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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Needing support for those days after first finding out about husband's infidelity

921 replies

Sazdun · 27/03/2022 18:05

Okay third time lucky. Unfortunately some of you will have followed what happened to me yesterday and finding out my husband of 8 years was unfaithful. There have been super kind people who have reached out and from the bottom of my heart I thank you. I wish j could buy each of you a well deserved wine or chocolates. I still can't find it in me to reach out to my IRL friends or find the words but I am meeting my friend tomorrow and lets hope I can by then. My original thread has been put up so I can get some of the helpful info people posted but no more replies can be made. My follow up thread has since been deleted because it is a thread about a thread. I did not know this is not something you are supposed to do. Anyway I have started this to keep anyone who is helping me stay updated or for anyone going through the horrible or similar same thing to get some helpful advice. Some people have questioned if I am infact real. I am. I am a 38 year old mum of two who has been with her husband since she was 23. I was concerned about his relationship with another woman but while I came on here yesterday thinking I would get feedback on how to approach my feelings and deal with my husband, I got angry and stood up for myself. I never ever thought it would lead to this. So if you doubt me or what to pull every little thing I type please don't, predictive text is a bitch. This is my life, my girls lives and I just need support and help.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 29/03/2022 22:16

‘I read it, dont hassle me in the middle of bath time. It sounds like you need more time to confront your ‘hesitancy’ about her. Excuse me if I couldn’t care less about you feeling some pain, seems only fair and just to me. I’m not the one who’s been lying to you and betraying you, I’m not your mum to handhold you through this.

Billlius · 29/03/2022 22:21

Do you have OW’s mobile number OP? Why don’t you phone her and tell her to back off?

Jobsharenightmare · 29/03/2022 22:21

Have you read Chump lady? There's nothing complicated going on here for you to understand. It's the oldest tale of betrayal, followed by gaslighting and, brief flicker of guilt then anger and blame shifting....and rinse and repeat.

Planesmistakenforstars · 29/03/2022 22:22

Oh god his reply is appalling. This sentence "It was also inexcusable for me, when given the chance to be friends again, to have lied to her, to both of you" makes my skin crawl. He is still thinking of her before you. He is making an equivalence out of lying to her and what he did to you. What a little fucking worm.

StripeySnail · 29/03/2022 22:24

I'm so sorry OP for what you're going through. I haven't commented before with advice but I've been following both threads.

I'm not sure if it's the right advice but I'd be very very tempted to ignore him and not respond to him At ALL. Leave him to fester. Don't enter into a dialogue with him about her - his "friend".

Obviously you'll need to communicate regarding your girls - but keep it to the bare minimum.

I'd also not contact OW either. If she messages you, ignore her.

Give yourself space to heal - without them. I think you'll come out stronger.

MulberryBush700 · 29/03/2022 22:26

OP, his latest message is a bag of shite (as were all of them). I'm so sorry you are going through this. It must be incredibly difficult for you and my heart aches for you.

I actually think he is sincere, and his sincerity is scary because it means he hasn't understood what he has done to you. He should be crawling on his knees, doing everything he can to win you back, but rather than that, he is "figuring things out" - fucking fuck that for a game of solders. How bloody dare he? Hesitating about cutting the OW off? What? You have every right to be as angry as ever. He is pulling on your heart strings talking about old times and "his girls" - he should have thought of "his girls" when he was so desperate to be best friends with a woman he went down on a couple of weeks before his wedding! It's sick! And if he truly loved and respected you, he never would have put you in this position.

I'm sorry, I'd be done with this. There'd be no going back from this for me. But I know we are not the same and there isn't probably a right and wrong answer. Wishing you all the strength in the world for figuring this out. Please put yourself first.

Honeyroar · 29/03/2022 22:32

Yes he’s sounding more sorry that he’s rocked her life too!

I can understand why his words about how much he loves all three of you are upsetting. Under other circumstances you’d love them.

He’s such an idiot dreamer of a bloke. I think he gets more wrapped up in his own waffle with every line he writes.

Original poster
Sazdun · 29/03/2022 22:37

@bjrce thinking like a chump perhaps if I ask her to stay away she might. If she is telling the truth and is such a good friend to him and me. She must be angry with him too and be willing to cut ties so maybe as far as she is concerned H and I can make a go of it. This space away from both of us then might be good for H as there is attention from either of us. Everyone is right my head is spinning.

@Dipsydoodlenoodle no OW is on her honeymoon. I found out at the weekend about my H not telling me he had been unfaithful to me with OW and the same OW he brought back into our lives as his friend. If he then went to her this weekend while she was on her honeymoon then fuck me that would be something.

OP posts:
Blue4YOU · 29/03/2022 22:38

He’s so utterly self absorbed and full of shit.
You won’t be able to stop thinking about this if you keep wondering if he is sincere- he is sincere about his feelings for himself, that’s it.
He dropped in your “baby blues” I noticed… trying to say you had a hand in pushing him away?
Either way, the complexities of splitting are not reason enough to spend the rest of your life feeling betrayed and humiliated and second best

ISmellBurnings · 29/03/2022 22:41

His reply is all about him. Nothing in it is about you.

Mix56 · 29/03/2022 22:42

Dont reply yet.
Let him wait, you gave no obligation to jump to his tune.
On the contrary, you are aline looking after his 2 DC
I think you can be certain that he is checking what, or what not to say with his confidante.
His message is self pitying white wash.
When you are ready, send him a message saying.
"Leave me alone, I will contact you after speaking to my lawyer, baby."

Original poster
Sazdun · 29/03/2022 22:47

Thank you once again everyone for being with me and listening to me go back and forth. I appreciate having everyone's insights and perspectives. It is like hanging out with a large bunch of mates, not everyone has the same opinion but right now all give me something to consider. Sorry if I don't @and reply to each of you individually. It can be hard to keep up but please do know I really do appreciate you taking the time to message, offer support and make me feel less alone in all of this. My phone is telling me I have increased my screen time by triple from.last week so time to down tools and get some sleep or at the very least watch nonsense on Netflix. Have a good night all.

OP posts:
ISmellBurnings · 29/03/2022 22:48

It’s so lovely he has the time to send such rambling self absorbed texts while you’re trying to look after your children. 🙄

chopc · 29/03/2022 22:51

@Sazdun I have been following the thread. I think you want to stay in your marriage as the other option is worse. Why don't you put all your cards on the table? Tell him he absolutely has to make a choice between you and the other woman? Just spell it out for him.

His reaction will in turn spell out your choices clearly

ickky · 29/03/2022 22:56

I really don't think you should make him choose, if he doesn't come to that conclusion himself, it will always be you splitting them up.

I also wouldn't ask OW to stay away, I would find it humiliating, I might tell her to fuck off to the far side of fuck and then fuck off some more.

colouringindoors · 29/03/2022 23:00

omg his message!!! I've never read anything like it. Utterly self absorbed bordering on narcissistic. Still wants OW in his life. Sickening attempt to list memories and anecdotes to generate nostalgia. He is totally full of shit. Totally.

RiverRats · 29/03/2022 23:03

[quote chopc]@Sazdun I have been following the thread. I think you want to stay in your marriage as the other option is worse. Why don't you put all your cards on the table? Tell him he absolutely has to make a choice between you and the other woman? Just spell it out for him.

His reaction will in turn spell out your choices clearly [/quote]
I agree with this. His answer may even help you to decide if you want to stay with him or not. I hope you get some sleep OP x

Original poster
Sazdun · 29/03/2022 23:03

@chopc the other option is my personal nightmare. I grew up in a divorced home and I swore to myself I would fight tooth and nail to make my marriage work. When I met my husband I believed I did not need to worry in my mind he was perfect. I know we have discussed on MN putting him on a pedestal which I did, I never ever thought he would hurt me or cheat on me. His relationship with OW has concerned me but I suppose on a bit to make things perfect I swept my needs and feelings under the carpet. With the exception of all the events in recent days I love my life, my house. Things I have worked hard for. I don't want to lose them. I suppose it feels like a failure. Part of me wants to win. But what am I winning? I was 23 when we met, he is and the life we have, are my whole adult existence. I don't feel ready to pull my girl pants on and accept I will lose this life but at the same time, I have stood back for the first time in years and seen how little respect I have given myself. I just don't know if I have the energy to be back out there as I go into my 40s with 2 kids. Also I don't want him to be with anyone else which is frankly ridiculous considering.

OP posts:
Eightiesfan · 29/03/2022 23:03

[quote chopc]@Sazdun I have been following the thread. I think you want to stay in your marriage as the other option is worse. Why don't you put all your cards on the table? Tell him he absolutely has to make a choice between you and the other woman? Just spell it out for him.

His reaction will in turn spell out your choices clearly [/quote]
I agree with this. However, he needs to agree to cutting this woman out of his personal life before you agree to give him another chance. Do not take him back straight away, he needs to show you that he is willing to do this one thing in order to save your marriage. It may take a month, six months or a year, you will know when you feel you can trust him again.

You need to be very clear that this woman has no place in your lives or that of your children. If he hesitates or worse tries to negotiate his way out of it, then I’m sorry but he clearly values this woman more than you and his children.

ThatsMe123 · 29/03/2022 23:20

What really got me in your h's message:
.. I love my life with my three girls and I don't want to lose it but now it relies on your forgiveness. Don't give up on us ..

Don't give up on us??? WTAF.
I agree with others upthread who have said he needs to cut her out of his life completely.

I went through something very similar a few years ago. My husband said similar about his OW and sadly was unwilling to let her go completely. So I let him go. I can't say my life is 100% happy now, but I am absolutely sure that I would have been 1000x unhappier with the feeling of being plan b and 2nd best grating away at my self worth.

Take care of yourself and your girls.

Bjarnum · 29/03/2022 23:24

So is he prepared to cut her out of his life completely?

MotherofTerriers · 29/03/2022 23:24

He is still putting her first. He isn’t offering to never contact her again, to focus on you and your children and work hard to regain your trust. He isn’t fighting for your marriage, and if you are to stay together he needs to, you can’t do it alone however much you don’t want t divorce.
Please see a solicitor to understand where you stand legally.
He’s writing as if he’s living an a tragic romantic novel, when in reality he’d fit in nicely on the Jeremy Kyle show.
Writing back, asking him point by point how he’d feel if you had treated him like this, seems a good idea.
He has treated you with complete contempt and denied you the right to make informed choices. I hope you find your anger and get support from your friends.

kaleidoscope123 · 29/03/2022 23:25

I think you are still perhaps in the pick me phase of all this. I get the feeling your considering just accepting it is what it is and going back to your life. You’ve already said you can’t see how OW can’t be removed from the equation. I’m just wondering how you see this working? Messaging him to say you want to try to make things work, set him some basic ground rules and then live happily ever after. What will you do at social events with friends when she is there? Or even if she isn’t there? When your husband goes to work and they are chatting things through and being each other’s upper system.

I’m not saying don’t give it a go if it’s your end goal but really that man needs putting in his place. This can only be achieved by setting a stall that you consider separation only option at the moment given no actual commitment from his end to mend this. Options from him should be OW needs to be fully exit your lives and you all potentially moving away.

If you play the pick me dance and he chooses you but doesn’t cut ties with OW then has he actually really chosen you?

Raindancer411 · 29/03/2022 23:29

I would be like you and not want to lose everything. I would lay my cards on the table and if he wanted to not lose me, would have to have couples counselling and cut contact with OW (in the long term). Any sniff at not keeping to that would mean he doesn't want to fight for you and his family.

Guiltypleasures001 · 29/03/2022 23:31

Op just remember where his mouth has been, it's the same mouth spewing whining over the top woe is me bollox

He has cheated oral sex is cheating, his been with her in his head for years
You have never had his undivided attention neither has his girls
I understand your need to know, been there got several t shirts

But it's time for you to have a break from this bombardment, you are running on adrenaline now and you will crash lovely. Tell him to leave you alone for a few days to regroup.