is it infidelity to use an adult chat room?

[postingatlast]

Hello everyone,

Been using this site for a while, only now been brave enough to post...

Something on my mind tonight and the subject line is pretty self-explanatory...

I am an extremely loyal and, I would like to think, good DH, with a young DD.

Sometimes, as a release from the day to day stresses, I visit some well known adult websites where, occasionally, I have some random chats with other adults - and yes, sometimes these conversations can turn a little steamy.

My rules are that I will strictly never meet, see or speak to these people, usually they are even on the other side of the world. It is a strictly virtual thing, not at all close to any reality. And sometimes it is really cool just having a random connection with someone sparky and interesting. It feels like a little bit of escapism, in the same way as porn can sometimes be, from the strains and stresses of day to day life...

But, as I say in the title, am I being unfaithful to my DW?

Please don't flame me for this, I want to hear your experiences and thoughts, not be killed on the board!!

Many thanks

no

I don't think it's unreasonable at all. Everyone has fantasies, and it's certainly not unusual to have fantasies about being some footloose sex superstar when you are dealing with the sleep-deprived reality of a new baby. However...

Are you spending hours doing this when your DW would rather you engaged with her and/or the baby?

ANd would you be understanding if she wanted to do the same thing?

well it is probably yes

I think I would feel jealous if i had aprtner and he was doing that

presumably it's secret

so that prtobably tells you the answer

think you can get strong feelings and frustration when you chat up people online

so it's a very dangerous game to play with your real life relationships

I think you know the answer otherwise you wouldn't be posting but FWIW it's totally different from porn because you're actually interacting with a RL person as opposed to viewing random images.

Imagine how your DW would feel if she viewed one of your "steamy conversations"? What would her opinion be?

"And sometimes it is really cool just having a random connection with someone sparky and interesting" - is that worth losing your DW for?

I speak as someone who's had to read those messages and whose relationship has never recovered, despite whatever technicalities of infidelity did or did not occur.

i don't think i would consider it cheating.

but i don't think i would like the idea of it progressing past chat.

i mean if webcams are involved thats just not on

Maybe it would be more help to try and find your wife 'sparky or interesting' ?

If your wife knows and is happy with it then thats fine for you two.

if she doesn't know then I think hiding what you're doing is just as 'bad' (for want of a better word) as infidelity.

Focusing on the relationship you're actually in may be more fulfilling in the end.

I have online convos with people..I don't think you can underestimate that it's potentially dep water to wade into

don't know anything about adult chat rooms as such

but it is practising deception and undermining rather than enhancing your real life relationship isn't it

Infidelity is surely breaking faith with your partner? So whether or not this activity constitutes infidelity depends more on your and your wife's understanding of the boundaries of your relationship than on whether you are actually having sex with someone else.

Don't ask us, ask her. Tell her what you've been writing to these other "adults" (men or women?) and see if she objects to it or not.

I think you're being a bit deluded calling yourself loyal, tbh, then looking for approval for your behaviour from people on the internet. How would you feel if your wife was having sexual conversations on-line with other men. I'm thinking that would piss you off.

Everyone has a different idea of where to draw the line but personally I would be less than happy if I were your DW and discovered this. Would you be happy if she were chattting to random men like this?

Are you kidding? I presume you would be fine with your wife doing the same with similarly happily married men?

if i'm the one doing it, then i think its fine. but if dh was doing it, then i would be pretty freaked out. and would consider it infidelity.

but, if dh actually had sex withsomeone else, that wouldnt bother me as much as the associated stuff. the going out for dinner. the conversations. all that stuff. that would imo be far worse than the actual sex, so if he did all the other stuff, but not the intercourse, well, he is flamed already in my eyes.

thanks for all your replies so far, i think in truth you are all right in some ways...

it certainly doesn't affect the time i spend either with my DW or my DD. I only do it occasionally and never when I am on duty, so to speak...

and yes, if i am posting here, it does probably mean that i already know the answer...

the truth is I don't feel great about it. My wife is certainly sparky and interesting very much in her own right. But is it not also important, from a mental sanity point of view, to have one's own secret gardens, that you share with only oneself? It just seems to me that it is better those secret gardens remain firmly in a virtual space than of they were acted out...

you are right, my wife would not approve, least of all understand. But the thing about virtual chat rooms is you really could be anybody and everybody - and the person you are chatting to is the same. This means that if you are sharing a fantasy about being a footloose sexual superstar (!!), neither of you may actually be anything of the sort! i think true infidelity would be if you were 100% sure of the person you were interacting with, what they really look like.

The reality is that sometimes it can be really liberating, embodying another role. As I am very settled, normal, have friends, am not desperate etc, the kind of conversations which can sometimes happen are really interesting. What I mean is I am not a desperate saddo who is looking to get laid and if I find someone seemingly similar, the connection can be fascinating.

It's just another outlet. You know, even with close friends, family, loving partners, sometimes we need to get things off our chest and doing it with someone you will never see, meet or speak to does have its advantages.

Thanks for all your observations so far...

good that you recognise that it might be a problem I suppose. The worrying thing for me is the need you feel to create a different persona. Your DW might feel that it's an indication that she and your DD were somehow inadequate and you wished you really were someone else somewhere else. That's how I felt tbh. Have you thought about how you'd feel if you found out she was doing something similar?

Didn't your marriage vows include promises for fidelity? If you were planning on having "secret gardens" (which you aren't just sharing with yourself, you are sharing with other people too) you should have got that included in your marriage service so your wife knew what you were planning.

This is all rationalisation on your part. You know your wife would be horrified, angry and hurt if she found out what you were up to, so I suggest you stop.

The fact that you think your mental sanity hangs on being able to do this, says to me (and I'd never normally suggest this) that you need some counselling. Do you really think you'd go mad if you weren't able to talk dirty to strange women on the internet?

'But is it not also important, from a mental sanity point of view, to have one's own secret gardens, that you share with only oneself?'

How does this sit with talking to strange men/women about it on the net?

it's not the "need" per se to create a different persona but, yes, it does create a brief release to embody someone virtual, albeit briefly... I appreciate what you say about DW and DD appearing inadequate but I don't view it this way. Very happily married people are often more than happy to get chatted up on a train, in a bar, even though knowing full well nothing is going to happen. This seems much more serious than a random online connection in a virtual world. Personally I think that if i looked to my DW and my DD to adequately fill every gap in my life, I am heading for disappointment and very co-dependant relationships...

yes I have thought about how I would feel if I discovered the same. Obviously I would rather not discover, some things are best left as secret gardens but I know I couldn't complain if she was doing it to. I would be upset if she went beyond my own boundaries - I never speak to anyone, nor show or share any images (photo or webcam) of any sort with them...

Postingatlast: every adult needs some private mental space and some private time. A couple-relationship where you are non-stop asking what each other is thinking and staring at each other sounds totally pathological to me. However (again) if you would not be happy with your DW doing what you are doing, then what you are doing is probably not good within the context of your relationship, without the two of you haivng discussed how you both understand fidelity/monogamy and what your limits are - because such limits are a matter to be negotiated per relationship. SOme people have entirely open relationships, some people are swingers, some people think that even speaking to a stranger of the opposite sex is 'infidelity'. If you and she have an agreement about private space and private time that you are both happy with, then go ahead and enjoy and don't worry about what 'everyone else' might think because it's none of their business.

i think you mis-read me somewhat, Elizabeth. Of course I would not go mad if I never visited a chat room!!! And when I talk about secret gardens, I mean anything which does not involve your partner... be that reading, going to a museum, chatting with a friend... I simply mean that you cannot share absolutely everything with a partner, even in the most devout relationship. If you did, i think you would go mad, in the colloquial sense... and trust me, this is not a therapy issue... it is simply a bit of boy fun, I can live with or without it... and yes, I am discussing it with people I don't know here on this board, nothing wrong with that, this is a very thought provoking exchange - and I knew it would be when i posted!

I bet his wife has absolutely no idea what his "boundaries" are, they'll be rules he's made up in his own head to justify what he's doing.

the trouble with oinline flirting snd cybersex is that you get addicted to it

and if you know your wife would hate it then maybe that's reason enough to give it up and find some other outlet for thrills and excitment

I hope this is a wind up from an avid Nancy Friday fan. If not, sorry to quote again but 'This seems much more serious than a random online connection in a virtual world' is one I can't resist. There are no random connections on the singles board or a/s/l/ pages, they are far more purposeful than thinking Kenny the Copy Boy is cute after a few white wines at an office party. Think about it.

mumsnet is a slightly weird place to ask this question..tbh

come daytime you may get some more vehemently exp[ressed views

Postinglast, you were the one who claimed that your "mental sanity" depended on being able to talk dirty to strange women on-line - that is what your "boy fun" consists of isn't it? If you didn't mean it, maybe you shouldn't have said it.

The point about your fun is that it's very likely that it wouldn't be any fun for your wife if she found out about it. You don't seem too bothered about that however.

my apologies SantaBabyBeenAnAwfulGoodGirl, I really honestly did not mean to cause any offence in my post. I just thought it was a relationship related question, an honest one, and, as such, had its place on this board... I thought it may open out into a broader discussion and it has not done so. Like I say, sorry if this is the wrong time and place and if the moderators think too then please remove the original post...