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Original poster

is it infidelity to use an adult chat room?

151 replies

postingatlast · 06/01/2008 23:59

Hello everyone,

Been using this site for a while, only now been brave enough to post...

Something on my mind tonight and the subject line is pretty self-explanatory...

I am an extremely loyal and, I would like to think, good DH, with a young DD.

Sometimes, as a release from the day to day stresses, I visit some well known adult websites where, occasionally, I have some random chats with other adults - and yes, sometimes these conversations can turn a little steamy.

My rules are that I will strictly never meet, see or speak to these people, usually they are even on the other side of the world. It is a strictly virtual thing, not at all close to any reality. And sometimes it is really cool just having a random connection with someone sparky and interesting. It feels like a little bit of escapism, in the same way as porn can sometimes be, from the strains and stresses of day to day life...

But, as I say in the title, am I being unfaithful to my DW?

Please don't flame me for this, I want to hear your experiences and thoughts, not be killed on the board!!

Many thanks

OP posts:
SantaBabyBeenAnAwfulGoodGirl · 07/01/2008 00:58

oh no you read that wrong..i'm more curious than anything else why you put it on here

and we don't have moderators

just not many people posting at this time of night

i don't care what you do and what you post but it is potentially a snesitive topic for lots of people

i'm single so not really got a personal view

TabithaTwitchett · 07/01/2008 01:02

Just because you're single doesn't mean you are stunned by references to relationships, surely Santa?!

Original poster
postingatlast · 07/01/2008 01:04

thanks SantaBabyBeenAnAwfulGoodGirl, as I said in my post, it was just on my mind tonight and I have for a long time read these forums as they are a fantastic minefield of opinions and advice on being parents and being in relationships... I just thought there might be some people on here, both male and female, who would have a view. In reality, as with most questions, I do not think there are any clearcut right or wrong answers so it is very interesting to read people's diverse views. Contrary to what it may have seemed however, this really is not a major issue for me. In fact, in the grand scheme of things, it is a mere pecadillo but I am pleased i put the question out there as I think it leads to a few deeper questions of boundaries plus how to survive the occasionally more humdrum - and less hollywood! - side of being a parent...

OP posts:
SantaBabyBeenAnAwfulGoodGirl · 07/01/2008 01:04

eh?

er no

just don't have any reason to find the discussion offensive cos i'm not in a relationship

i think...

have said it's a bad idea as mr postatlast has expressed it

SantaBabyBeenAnAwfulGoodGirl · 07/01/2008 01:06

that was in answer to the previous post lol

TabithaTwitchett · 07/01/2008 01:13

Sorry Santa,

PL knows his own behavious is not ideal, if he was my dh I would not be as forgiving.

BBBee · 07/01/2008 01:17

it is not the same as being unfaithful -of course it is not.

It might not be acceptable within your relationship or it might be fine - depends on your relationship and what 'boundries' you have.

We all need sparks - if you are getting them in a way that is okay then fine.

Lauriefairycake · 07/01/2008 01:18

The point is that you are hiding it because your wife may not like it.

My husband doesn't know everything that goes on in my head (how boring) but if there was anything I was doing that he might have concerns about I would share it with him.

I'm guessing your wife would want to know about you talking about sex with other women - whether she is actually bothered about it is up to her.

It's hiding it that is the problem - slippery slope ..............

SantaBabyBeenAnAwfulGoodGirl · 07/01/2008 01:19

but he clearly feels in some way that he is being unfaithful or he wouldn't ask so from a philosophical stance his own mental state suggests that he feels it is in some respect a kind of infidelity

even if only an infidelity in his head

Aitch · 07/01/2008 01:20

just so you know about madamez, in case you want to flesh out the bones a bit... she used to be a morris dancer.

SantaBabyBeenAnAwfulGoodGirl · 07/01/2008 01:21

it's not the same as lying in the bath and having a fantasy

he is talking to actual people at the very least

and he knows full well that is where the excitement lies

it's not pure fantasy

BBBee · 07/01/2008 01:24

yes I think that is the issue - it has gone beyond the abstract of strangers to real people and that is the problem I think.

As much as you feel it is justified by not penertrating it is all a continum.

Look at bill clinton. "I did not have sexual realtions with that woman I just put a cigar....."

BBBee · 07/01/2008 01:25

(and now his wife will never be queen president.)

SantaBabyBeenAnAwfulGoodGirl · 07/01/2008 01:28

there definitely is something potentially sexual about talking to people online because i have found that you can move from not knowing them from adam to feeling they are very much alive and real

...it's surprising really

Original poster
postingatlast · 07/01/2008 01:29

very fair point, Lauriefairycake... ok, i have got the message with an almost 99% majority. I appreciate all your thoughts and, as I said earlier, this is something which happens very rarely, it is not a deep problem, i was just interested to hear some thoughts on it. As it is, i take on board everyone's points and will not visit a chatroom again, albeit that it was a rare thing anyway... In a way, I was more interested to hear how people do actually break out from the reality of day to day life (of course not everyone needs to and I am not saying my life is mundane either) but I appreciate that this is for another thread on another day.

Goodnight and thanks for all the input...

OP posts:
MuthaHubbard · 07/01/2008 01:31

Everyone has different ideas and boundries on what is classed as cheating or not acceptable within their relationship.

If your wife was doing something similar, what would you think/feel? How would she feel if she found out about your connections/flirtations?

SantaBabyBeenAnAwfulGoodGirl · 07/01/2008 01:31

we despatched you pretty quick lol

minorityrules · 07/01/2008 01:39

I agree it's important to have me time in a relationship, time that is separate to the family is good

The problems come in when anything is kept secret. Secrets are not a good idea in a relationship, especially when they are in any way sexual

Lying in a bath and and whacking one off is entirely different to whacking one off whilst typing to a real live person. Would you feel comfortable if you knew your wife was doing the same? Wifey sitting typing to a large, muscular well hung, handsome, rich man (only fantasy right??) I doubt you'd be so happy about it reversed

I would think something is lacking, whether it's a healthy sexlife or just intimacy, soemthing is missing, even if you insist it isn't.

Secrets kill trust. You need trust for a relationship to survive. Why not learn to use your imagination better and leave the typist to their own thing. I say it is a form of infidelity as it involves real interaction

BBBee · 07/01/2008 01:46

disagree - secrets are good in my relationship as long as I know they will never hurt dp or me.

AnneMayesR · 07/01/2008 08:53

It's kind of pathetic when you need to completely disrespect your DW in order to let off steam.

I think it is cheating but that is just my opinion.

cupcake78 · 07/01/2008 09:14

We all have our secrets, fantasies and thoughts that make us smile .

My point would be that as you are feeling the need to ask then you are not obviously 100% comfortable with what you are doing.

Why are you not comfortable with it? The answer to this will tell you what you want to know. If it is purely that DW would be upset if she found out. Why would she be upset - what are you saying to these other people!

How much of a kick do you get out of it? When that wears off, which it inevitably will (over time everthing becomes normal) what will you then need to do?

Either stop, (unlikely).

Tell your wife you do it but tell her no more. (she is likely to tell you to stop). She may already know!!

Keep doing it but be prepared to be "found out" the fact you didn't tell her will make her question what else have you been doing that she doesn't know about and then your in for a lifetime of grief.

Pk616 · 07/01/2008 09:18

I've skipped all except the original post so please forgive me if I'm just repeating.
It's a bit of one and a lot of the other in my opinion.
No you are not being unfaithful to your DW because it's all virtual and you never speak, see or touch the other parties
BUT
Yes you are being unfaithful because you are going to someone else to get aroused, and although this is done through words typed into a pc it is different from watching porn because the typed words are specifically typed for your consumption where as porn is just voyerism aimed at a wider audience IYSWIM.
Plus the fact that you neede to ask the question in the first place! IMHO if you need to ask someone if something is the wrong thing to do, especially this kind of issue, it usually means that it is! You obviously feel some level of guilt over this, even on a subconsious level, that should tell you something!
I understand you feel the need to de-stress after the troubles of the day but are there not other ways of winding down? (I understand that with a child it's a bit hard to just jump your wife when you walk through the door!) Have you thought of sending your wife dirty text messages, even if you're in the same room, you could spend the entire evening de-stressing and when the LO's gone to bed you could actually act on it! It might even be fun for you!
Or you could chat to people on the internet but not get in the slightest bit steamy just have a non sex related laugh with people.
I don't know, there are hundreds of alternatives
I hope for the best for you

CountessDracula · 07/01/2008 09:20

I would say you are betraying her trust if you think she would be appalled to find out you do this. A betrayal of trust in a relationship is damaging IMO.

notacheesemaker · 07/01/2008 09:24

I do think it's wrong
but this place is a "secret garden" for a lot of women and I don't think there's anything wrong with the odd secret.
But i do think one didn't ought to have a sexy secret garden. That's not infidelity, but it's wrong anyway.

dizietsma · 07/01/2008 09:31

You are being unfaithful, IMO cheating on your wife is more than sexual contact with another person, it's wanting someone else to satisfy your desires which you most certainly do. I think you know I'm right otherwise you wouldn't be here asking a bunch of strangers to vindicate you, and you wouldn't be afraid to ask your wife if it's OK with her.

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