is it infidelity to use an adult chat room?

[postingatlast]

Hello everyone,

Been using this site for a while, only now been brave enough to post...

Something on my mind tonight and the subject line is pretty self-explanatory...

I am an extremely loyal and, I would like to think, good DH, with a young DD.

Sometimes, as a release from the day to day stresses, I visit some well known adult websites where, occasionally, I have some random chats with other adults - and yes, sometimes these conversations can turn a little steamy.

My rules are that I will strictly never meet, see or speak to these people, usually they are even on the other side of the world. It is a strictly virtual thing, not at all close to any reality. And sometimes it is really cool just having a random connection with someone sparky and interesting. It feels like a little bit of escapism, in the same way as porn can sometimes be, from the strains and stresses of day to day life...

But, as I say in the title, am I being unfaithful to my DW?

Please don't flame me for this, I want to hear your experiences and thoughts, not be killed on the board!!

Many thanks

Can't read all this, too much to do, BUT ...

I would consider it cheating if my DH did this. If he has fantasies in his head, alone, then that's fine. If he wants to act them out, discuss them with anyone, then thats what he married me for (along with many other things).

I would be bl%%dy furious to think that he was getting 'steamy' with anyone but me, in RL or in Virtual Life.

Yep, too right it's infidelity.

Thanks for clearing that up, Elizabeth. And, as I have now said repeatedly throughout this post, online chats were a small, very infrequent thing which I can very much live without - and will definitely now live without. As I have said, I appreciate everyone's input on the subject.

I would be gutted if DH was chatting to other women on chat sites whether it be in a sexual manner or just friendly. But maybe I am being a hypocrite because I have posted stuff on here about him that he knows nothing about - does that make me deceitful or unfaithful?

glad to hear it - incidently if you have 2 computers in the house why don't you ask DW to log on and have some fun that way - then it's not hurting anyone

(didn't realise you were a man from your other post btw thanks for the imput )

but real life and virtual life are so very different.
I think we are really the first generation of adults with access to this kind of thing and so we are apt to confuse the two. What is the difference between reading or writing a steamy novel, and sex chatrooms?

My pleasure, DavidTennantsMistress, I thought a male perspective would be useful, good luck!

I think PrismManchip makes an extremely pertinent point here. We are very much the first generation to be confronted with all that the internet has to offer and it has not yet been around long enough for us to understand fully what is right and wrong (beyond, of course, the obvious). Technology has always pushed people's sexual boundaries and this is no less true for the penny slot machines on the pier 100 years ago as an internet chat room today.

Maybe even one day, when new and extraordinary ways of interacting have been created, the whole notion of the theme of this thread will seem terribly quaint and antiquated. No, I am not defending it again, I am simply saying that, as PrismManchip says, being the first generation does mean that the boundaries may, as yet, be ever so slightly blurred. Maybe we could even suggest that far from being a relationship killer, internet has been a relationship maker. People are now interacting with each other in ways that were previously impossible. People now have new ways of actually meeting new people. And those in relationships have ways of expressing themselves too which may, just about, be more healthy than visiting strip clubs, saunas or prostitutes.

It's also hard to define what people are thinking of

I am imagining someone tapping away, a bit like we all do on MN, and then going off and having a quick wank (well, I am not imagining that, but ykwim)

I guess there's a spectrum...you can email people (shaky ground), chat with intent to meet up (absolutely out, naturally), be in chat rooms all your free time (sad)...umm, there must be more, I don't know.

Are some of you imagining a lot worse?

or you can very occasionally pop into a chat room to escape the real world for a few minutes, chat to another adult you will never ever ever never see or meet or speak to and then come back into the real world. That really was all I was referring to. Certainly no email, ever, certainly not spending valuable spare time, certainly never ever with a view to meeting someone.

Well, who knows, in twenty years' time I might be proved wrong and this will be grounds for divorce, but I don't think that is worse than reading anything on literotica - which was recommended on MN the other day.
I am female by the way and not a fan of porn in that I think it has changed our view of sex as a society. I think there is a massive difference though between visual porn and the written word.

I agree, Prism, the written word is way more interesting. Which sort of brings me back to the beginning of this thread!

Of course it's infidelity! the litmus test is whether your dw knows about it. if you are keeping this from her then you know full well that you're being unfaithful to her, if only virtually.

another litmus test - how would you feel if she was doing this behind your back?

yes you are eing unfaithfull, cyber shagging is still shagging!!!!!!!!!!

It's difficult isn't it?

I mean, here we are, for example, on Mumsnet. I understand that you are real and I know that I am real , but somehow it seems less real because it is just words on a screen than if we were in the same room, talking.

There is an element of, I don't know what is the right word - fiction, fantasy, disasociation...??

So I can see how in that sort of chatroom, it could be easy for you to feel like it isn't real, I can see how it could feel closer to a porn film, or top shelf mag, than it does to a one night stand, or an affair.

But it IS a real person (I won't say woman, because for all you know, you could equally be having sex talk with a big hairy trucker ) you are talking with. And that is betrayal.

God I must be weird.
How can logging onto some random site, typing about your cock for ten minutes to some totally anonymous and untraceable person, then wandering off be the same as arranging to meet another wo/man, deceiving your partner, risking your children's future happiness, putting your family at risk of emotional and financial distress, lying, stressing over whether your partner will find out or whether you/the woman will get pregnant and take you to the cleaners, living a lie, feeling ill with stress because you've been a bastard, but above all touching and smelling and having sex with a real person???

It may not be infidelity as such. But having a wank. Its wrong and you know that.
The question has already been asked, but if your DW found out she would be upset, yeah ?
End of.

PM - it's the fall out afterwards - for me I can talk on MN to a bunch of other women (friends) or in come cases men - hub2dee for example is a nice chappy - haven't seen him about for ages, anyhow it's innocent - nothing at all, it's parenting & support - my H was on a site for computer geeks he was a moderator on there had no problems at all with that one, after all that is the same as me logging onto MN. however him going onto god knows what sites that he met these other women on wasn't on - I wasn't the one who was chatting up men on the internet when we were together - I wasn't the one who was looking a the porn and getting very very rude and suggestive pics sent to me. For me it's the exact same - he might not have been unfaithful to me physically I don't know he wanked in front of the screen - I imagine he did engage in some form or another be it cyber sex or upstairs before coming to bed but the thing is emotionally he was detached. he was only interested in being online till the early hours.

for me that is all the same signs as you would have with an affair.

i think it's an illusion it's not close to reality

eg you have come on here to talk about it if we weren't real to you there would be no point in asking our opinions

you could have just sat down over supper with your wife and said oh what do you think i go on adult chat sites from time to time and talk..of course it's not real..but you know there are some really sassy sparky and interesting women on there..

whenever i've been chatting to random men on the internet i've always been fully conscious that they were real people and i'm sure they have had no doubts that i was real either

Madamez - I do completely get your post below and agree. It is not healthy to be one and all and everything to one person. (and you expressed that very eloquently )
But in a relationship, there has to be an element of sharing and communication with that person and above all trust.
I suppose what I was trying to say, postingatlast, is that even with the sexual element removed, I would feel betrayed (and maybe inadequate?) if my dh were able to discuss things online with strangers that he was not able or prepared to discuss with me.
And that goes for things I write on MN too! I can't think of many things I have discussed on here which I have not dicussed with him.
I do think htere is some hypocrisy on here (MN) with women stating their fantasies/fears/dreams/frustrations/whgatever but not accepting that their partners must be allowed a similar outlet.

I agree with filthy.
I have posted many times on Mn things I have not discusssed with dh.
But if I dies, I woud not mind if he read all my mumsnett posrs.
I think that is the difference.
We all know when we do something wrong, or what our partner / dw/dh/ would find o.k.
Postingatlast knows this too.

If postingatlast was chatting on the male equivalent of Mumsnet I don't think anybody would argue he was betraying his wife. The fact is that adult chat rooms and Mumsnet are not the same thing and to pretend they are is a bit of an insult to Mumsnet and the people here IMO.

I can't make my mind up on this one but I don't think it's worse than flirtatious talk in the office when dw or dh isn't there and that goes on all the time.. I think it is unrealistic to expect your dh/ dw to have no secrets at all - I know we have some from each other..

I think if you do it, you have to accept that you'd be ok with dw doing it, and if you wouldn't be, then don't do it yourself.

I agree that we all need our own private fantasy space and I don't think that the OP is being unfaithful to his DW.

As he clearly points out it is not real, there is no real contact and no webcams or anything involved - I would say be careful though as these things can escalate quickly (bit like MN becoming addictive ) and if DW would be upset on finding out then it may well be time to call it a day.

Elizabeth is right. You can hardly compare and adult chat room to Mumsnet .

The OP is being VERY unreasonable.

but it is real

he is interactin g with real people in real time..

office banter and chit chat is not quite as intense surely..he likes the excitement..the level of interest..repartee..frisson whatever..

i can imagine his wife would be pretty jealous if he said it was more fun and excitement chatting to people on the internet than chatting to her which clearly it is

no it's not infidelity but it is doing something which he knows his wife would hate

so he doesn't tell her

maybe she would like the chance to show her sparky exciting side, maybe he isn't so exciting in real life as he is on the internet and like someone else said maybe he could start texting and chatting to her using some of the skills he's acquired

he wants people to tell him he is fun and sexy

all these things are more fun ultimately if they are in your own physical life and not purely online surely

does the internet chatting make him find his wife more interesting or less interesting...

hmmmm

I think that's why I likened it to office banter - some (a lot) of the people I worked with were terribly flirtatious and quite smutty at times - I have had to come to terms with the fact that my dp probably talks like this as well in the office but I know it's only chat.

I also know from meeting wives and husbands at the Christmas Do that they would be horrified to find out what their spouses were like at work....