is it infidelity to use an adult chat room?

[postingatlast]

Hello everyone,

Been using this site for a while, only now been brave enough to post...

Something on my mind tonight and the subject line is pretty self-explanatory...

I am an extremely loyal and, I would like to think, good DH, with a young DD.

Sometimes, as a release from the day to day stresses, I visit some well known adult websites where, occasionally, I have some random chats with other adults - and yes, sometimes these conversations can turn a little steamy.

My rules are that I will strictly never meet, see or speak to these people, usually they are even on the other side of the world. It is a strictly virtual thing, not at all close to any reality. And sometimes it is really cool just having a random connection with someone sparky and interesting. It feels like a little bit of escapism, in the same way as porn can sometimes be, from the strains and stresses of day to day life...

But, as I say in the title, am I being unfaithful to my DW?

Please don't flame me for this, I want to hear your experiences and thoughts, not be killed on the board!!

Many thanks

well i would be amazed if people had those kind of convos at work

do they go and have cold showers at lunch time lol

Maybe my old office was extreme but it was in construction industry which is a bit more bawdry at times I know

I still think that the majority of wives and husbands would be surprised at some of the things which go on behind the photocopier , not actual infidelities, just outrageous flirting, which is worse than chat rooms really because it involves a real 'face to face' person doesn't it.

Message withdrawn

It is not like MN though, that much is clear. For goodness' sake.
Is it on an exact par with real-life infidelity and all that entails? A chat room? Am I missing something? I don't know much about chat rooms but the OP is talking about a bit of lewd chat with nobody - I mean, I know it is a person, but it is not an identity he is chatting to, it is a name on the screen, a nothing, and a nothing who is fully complicit in this and wanting the same. How is that different from your average sexual fantasy...except that you get some words back on a screen.
I don't think it's a great thing to do but the pitchforks are out here in the usual MN fashion and I do think some of you have lost your perspective - or are imagining chat rooms that link directly to posters' mobile phones and personal organisers?
DTM your DH was doing something different to what the OP is saying he does and the emotional detachment and time involved sounds very destructive to me.

I think we've entered the Mary Whitehouse zone as well PMC - unrealistic to say the very least!

lennygrrl, I agree with that - it is sad.

lol at Mary Whitehouse
I saw some footage of her on tv the other day - how did she get taken seriously? How times have changed.

PMC - but one thing can lead to another when chatting online. I think the Op is sad and I am sure his wife would to if she knew.

it is the op himself who was talking about is it infidelity no it isn't bit it is more than ab it of personal fantasy

it is him who is trying not to feel guilty

and it is him that has decided it's maybe not a good idea for him and his wife

Hey the pitchforks were out for a woman here who got involved in exactly this kind of talk with a male Mnetter and told his wife about it, Prism. You should have seen the fallout.

It's not Mary Whitehouseish to say that sex talk in adult chatrooms whilst masturbating to it is something that postingatlast's wife will probably object to and will hurt her. We've had the pretence it's like posting on Mumsnet, now people are saying it's like office banter, well I'm pretty sure masturbation and virtual sex don't go on in most offices in this country and if it does it would probably be grounds for sacking.

I think realistically a little flirting is relatively harmless and I think the golden rule is that you must ask yourself how you would feel if your DP was doing it, if you wouldn't mind (and be honest with yourself!) then to a point it't okay. But beware that you are not trying to fill a gap in your relationship

totally different scenario to HD and NB in that NB went and told HD's wife didn't she? Anyway I didn't bring my pitchfork to the fore on that....

thanks again for all the interesting and diverse input And sorry to repeat myself but Santababy is quite right to point out that I do feel my infrequent visits to chatrooms - which, for the record were far from always sexual in nature - are best consigned to the box entitled "been there, done it, move on". Not sure really where this discussion can go from here, everything has been covered.

Also I am not sure what happened with the couple that Elizabeth aludes to (although it has been covered a little in this thread) but there is a difference between chatting to someone whose identity you know (they must have known each other's identity for her to go to his husband) and chatting randomly with someone on the other side of the world as a ten minute one-off with the clear understanding that it is a random chat with absolutely no hope of it ever leaving the chatroom, be it via email, phone or meeting in person. Maybe my description led Elizabeth to imagine a much more debauched environment than really existed. On these social adult sites there are hundreds of rooms, ranging from chat about music to discussions on cookery to, yes, discussions about sex. And sometimes these discussions can get a little steamy. It's not even cyber sex as such, it is sharing of insight, experiences and creativity. As such, it genuinely is no different to an office chat behind the photocopier. As for this fixation with masturbation, it has never been said that this was either the aim nor the result...

That said, as I said earlier in the post, the responses have been fascinating and I won't be visiting such sites again.

Thanks again for your input and, as I say, really don't see where else to go with this now.

ah it will go where it goes either no one or down some bizarre track or roun d in a circle once let loose the op relinquishes it lol

Pruni / Prism, online chatting with a stranger can lead you down some strange / unpredictable paths

zippi and I have both done it and I would give the OP the same advice that zippi has - take care

it isn't like fantasising by yourself, not at all

nowhere not no one

look btw can everyone PLEASE REVERT TO THEIR PROPER NAMES

I was going to just put Pruni there, and I see I have put zippi, and I don't think anyone but an oldie will know who the heck I am talking to

actually the funny bit on here was the implication that i might be mary whitehouse

at least i hope i was a potential mary whitehouse

Message withdrawn

zippi I have always thought of you as the Mary Whitehouse of MN

no i do see what Pruni is saying

it isn't the same as shagging someone in RL

but it is a lot more than just sitting having a quiet fantasy by yourself - imagine trying to explain MN to someone who hadn't been on, Pruni. They would be going "but it is just other mothers typing. I mean you couldn't really get involved with it or get to know anyone or anything." If you told them it was hard to keep yourself off here even though you wanted to, they would laugh. It is a powerful thing, this internet lark

Postingatlast - would it provide the same creative thrill for you to actually write some adult fiction - and get it published. May as well get paid for it.

I would be devastated if it was my dh. To me, cheating doesn't only happen with your body, you can cheat in your mind, and in your heart.

I am a bit worried about you saying that you could be anyone in the chat rooms - why isn't it enough to be your own self?

I did see the fallout from the HD stuff. It was not nice. Lots of people apart from the protagonist came out of it looking like not very pleasant people, imo.

I know you can go down paths that you might not otherwise and that you can get sucked in BUT it isn't bound to happen, it isn't inevitable. (As the OP has asserted.) There seems to be a view on Mn in general that all men are these weak creatures who use women, use porn, are up for affairs at every turn, are just waiting for an opportunity and an excuse to turn their sexual energies towards some anti-woman anti-marriage venture. Bollocks. Just because bad things happened to some of you does not make having a quick one off the wrist as someone eggs you on online equal to going out and deciding to have an affair, deceiving the person you purport to love, lying to your children etc.

The difference with the OP's admission and MN is that we come on here and give away details of our lives, we bond over the things that happen to us and we care to some degree (varying degrees) about at least some of the people. (Some of us. I have no doubt there are people who come on to ask about weaning spoons and then walk away, satisfied with the answer, not giving us a second thought.) Slightly different to going on a chat site for long enough to have a wank.

So fine, yes it is not a good idea - I am not condoning it, I just refuse to take part in this overreaction that's going on.

I mean as well as the protagonist
gah

To answer the op.

I think it is infidelity, you are using another person and emotions another person is awaking in you for personal satisfaction. That is very different than porn. With adult chat rooms there are two people interacting.

Maybe they come again, to the same chat room, seek eachother out, start hoping to see the other person, and "sneak" off together, maybe to the safety of msn, and privacy there, maybe they exchange email addresses. Maybe one day decide to meet.

I had an online fling once. She was an adult fiction author. I think she tested her "story lines" on me. It was steaming hot. And I found my self thinking about her a lot. In the end we exchanged phone numbers, and started texting. Then my partner found out......