is it infidelity to use an adult chat room?

[postingatlast]

Hello everyone,

Been using this site for a while, only now been brave enough to post...

Something on my mind tonight and the subject line is pretty self-explanatory...

I am an extremely loyal and, I would like to think, good DH, with a young DD.

Sometimes, as a release from the day to day stresses, I visit some well known adult websites where, occasionally, I have some random chats with other adults - and yes, sometimes these conversations can turn a little steamy.

My rules are that I will strictly never meet, see or speak to these people, usually they are even on the other side of the world. It is a strictly virtual thing, not at all close to any reality. And sometimes it is really cool just having a random connection with someone sparky and interesting. It feels like a little bit of escapism, in the same way as porn can sometimes be, from the strains and stresses of day to day life...

But, as I say in the title, am I being unfaithful to my DW?

Please don't flame me for this, I want to hear your experiences and thoughts, not be killed on the board!!

Many thanks

well exactly people bond

it's still talking to people not empty robotic stuff

the op sounded like he thought he was doing something he shouldn't..that was his thought

he wasn't chatting about what car to buy and stuff

he was finding witty sparky women to massage his ego and getting a connection with them

that is not an empty soulless kind of relationship

he could of course come on mn and chat he has been lurking for a while on here but he hasn't chosen to post here except to query whether he should be posting on the adult sites so clearly he is looking for a different kind of interaction non?

See I think it is empty and soulless and I think he realised!
Going the next step is what makes it infidelity. Just as a bit of flirting is practically recommended for everyone but you go out for that drink and make the connection...that's the bad bit, not the banter.
God I should stay off these sex threads, I always have a more liberal attitude than anyone else and I can't work out where it comes from, I am so married and non-flirty and anti-porn.

"Maybe my description led Elizabeth to imagine a much more debauched environment than really existed. On these social adult sites there are hundreds of rooms, ranging from chat about music to discussions on cookery to, yes, discussions about sex. And sometimes these discussions can get a little steamy. It's not even cyber sex as such, it is sharing of insight, experiences and creativity. "

Sure it is. How about you post a little example of the things you find sparkling and fun in these adult chat rooms and see what other people think. You likened it to porn in your very first post. If it's not sexual why even bring porn into it?

If it was as benign as you're pretending you wouldn't have a problem telling your wife what you're up to but you do, and she is in the dark.

Hmmmmm, I don't know if it's infidelity as such, but it is dishonest if your DW doesn't know about it. There are grey areas with sexuality and morality which are dependent on your partners attitude to them; if you think it's wrong in her eyes then it probably is wrong!

For those who say it's no different to flirting in the office or fancying someone in the street ; I find plenty of people I work with or queue next to at the bus stop attractive but I'm in a relationship so I don't ask them for a shag or talk dirty to them! There's a difference between private fantasy and acting something out.

I agree with the fact if you know your wife would never be happy about it then fair do's think again. But it is not all about 'wanking' online yes there are ppl out there that do that but i dont think thats what OP was meaning at all.

I really think that this has become sooo out of line and by gosh is it all so serious!! I'd hate to think my dh would go through life without EVER looking at another person or chat to anyone because i'd bite his balls off He is HUMAN.

How fun is it to read a steamy novel yes sometimes in a marriage sex can become a little less than it used to be, so a bit of a lift up certinally helps! Life is not all hunky dory when it comes to h&w sharing every intimate fantasy or feelings, sometimes even imppossible.

Just think its sad that 'one' post and already OP has been shot down and labled as a 'dirty old man' and so so so bad to his wife. Its only words and nothing more to come of it.

I have been half following this thread, and have decided to add my two pence worth.

What happened to privacy? Being married is not a prison, you should be able to talk, chat, dream, in the same manner as you should be able to read a book, or do sudoku. Why shall all spheres of a person be laid bare and open to scrutiny? Why should everything be out in the open between couples? Yes, you are married, but you still have the freedom to talk and dream, and fantasize and hey, maybe even feel a little turned on by steamy conversation and a little banter (though mumsnet is not the place for that, but I see netmums have opened up an adult chat section)

Well said quintess!

Geesh life would be sooo boring if all partners knew everything

in truth, and going slightly off-topic here, it's more than the simple fact that life would be boring. It's the fact that relationships can border on the unhealthy if, as Quintess aptly puts it, everything is laid bare and open to scrutiny. I am not saying relationships should have dishonesty, far from it, but that does not mean by the same token that we should all suffer from verbal diarrhoea and verbalise absolutely everything we do and think. For sure, many relationships do thrive in a totally open atmosphere but many others endure a pseudo-open atmosphere which masks, in fact, passive aggressive and/or controlling/manipulative behaviour (and this can flow both ways between the partners) and lead to unhealthy co-dependancy because of expectations that one person can provide everything a partner needs, all of the time. I guess I am saying that there is a difference between a partner asking "What have you been up to?" and asking "WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO?". Unfortunately the nuance doesn't come over very well in text but in healthy relationships, clearly there is no need to ask the latter question. And no, once again I must stress, I am not saying that visiting a chatroom is right, I am simply making this observation as a broader point.

I don't think he has een shot down at all and labelled as adirty old man

he sounded like he had had doubts if he doesn't there is no problem

but there might be a proble,m in some relationships if you do things which you think yurself are both dubious and need to be kept secret as opposed to choosing to be private

pricacy and secrecy and deception asre two different things

and the poster only knows which he thinks might apply here

i stiil don't agree that chatting to people is the same thing as reading a book or watching a film

whats all that about then

engaging with a real person is real..dont see how you can deny that it's not a fantasy..you might buikld a fantasy on it but you are talking to an actual person in real time

"netmums have opened up an adult chat section"

Oh bugger, looked like I backed the wrong horse. goes off to register at Netmums

This isn't a NB or HD alias again is it?

I wouldn't be happy if my DH was talking dirty in a personal, wanking or even flirting sort of way with other people. We don't have that sort of open relationship. If he wants one he can leave the family home and pursue his new interests independently.

He does talk to lots of other women on other sites, mostly of a geeky nature and that's fine. He even tests a speed-dating site but that's work and the DCs and I are frequently around when he's talking.

Santababy's post hit home with me. Maybe we are all abit prickly, becasue of the recent HD episode, but someone lurking for a while and then their first post, creating a thread re 'basically cheating / flirting/ my dw doesn't know' is not good.
Someone comes to mumsnett to discuss steamy chats on another chatroom.
It all smells really bad, I'm afraid.
maybe mumsnett is not the site for postingatlast.

my apologies to both Oblomov and TheDuchess but we did ascertain much earlier on in this thread that I am nothing to do with the people you mention. Read my post about what I initially though DH meant. Just looks like my post came at a bad time and I am sorry for that. Nevertheless, the input has been really interesting and, as I have said a number of times, thought provoking and appreciated. I think if you read the tone and tennet of my posts, which have been consistent throughout this debate, you will clearly see that I am genuine and, above all, respectful to this forum's community and those who are posting in it. Also, I contributed to another thread yesterday and there also I tried to be helpful and courteous. Ok, enough defending my integrity!

Postingatlast, I certainly think you have been reasonable and polite and much less crude in your terminology than (for example) me. Discussions on here often warp quite a long way away from the original post, particularly if one or two frequent antagonists clash in the course of the chat. How you resolve your particular dilemma is up to you of course, though hopefully you have been given some helpful food for thought rather than frightened right out of here , but my guess is this will now rumble on for a while with some people wailing about what beasts all men are and some telling everyone else to get a grip. Etc. Just another day on MN, really

Well, whether this is the forum for postingatlast or not, remains to be seen. But, I dont think a person who mumsnet could not potentially also be a person who chat elsewhere, as long as it is known and accepted that most who partake in the community here is not here for romance, erotic interludes, etc, but for company and parenting advice. It is good to be able to discover clear boundaries of what is and what is not accpetable.

I am not defending cybersex, which I think is infidelity, any chat can potentially be infidelity depending on your feelings to it.

Posting, I did post before, have read most of the posts, and did know that you were not HD.
Post some more on topics of buying cars, which F&z rcipe to follow, or Hunkers 'breast is best' threads, and I'll let you off

Thanks Oblomov, that made me chuckle!

I have read this with interest and to be honest I don't see a problem with it. I used to do the same when I was with my husband (and no we didn't split because of that). The only difference was that he knew about it and he kind of liked the idea that I was chatting "steamily" with other men, but then he might have been weird lol.

I must admit I didn't do it very often and got bored with it quickly. But as far as I can see, if it isn't affecting your day to day relationship with your wife and is not affecting the way you feel about her, then what harm can come of it?

But if you feel guilty about it, I guess that is another thing entirely and maybe you need to think about whether you need to stop, for your own peace of mind.

My turn to thank you, greeneyedgirl.

I think we are playing thread tennis today!

As you will have read, I took a bit of a hammering at times in this thread, hopefully you will have seen in my responses in your thread that I am not the devil incarnate!!!

I have been following this and wasn't sure whether to post but I think I will add my two pence worth!

postingatlast I think you took some stick on here and you handled it very well.
you were looking for advice and opinions, and I do think you have been taking that advice on board.

I have seen some of your posts on other threads and you have taken a lot of time and effort to help other people.

fwiw, I do agree with you in terms of people should be allowed to have their own thoughts and fantasies and that for some people, a relationship where 'everything is laid bare and open to scrutiny' would be unhealthy.

However, from a personal point of view I wouldn't be happy if my OH was using chat rooms and indulging in these fantasies with RL people. there are other ways that you can indulge, without interaction with RL people, and for me, that would be the boundary.

In addition, anything that I think has to be kept 'secret' in any way from a partner is never a good thing. If it's something you can talk to your DW about, and she understands and accepts that it goes on then it would be ok.

(Obviously what happens online and what you discuss would remain the private part, but I feel that your OH should know about it, and accept it. That, for me, would be the only way I would continue to do it.)

I do agree to some extent with Baffy, obviously what we all want from a relationship is to know that we are the only one for that person, that they are totally crazy about us.

However, in the end we are all human and we have needs that we all fufill in different ways. It really depends I suppose, how your wife would see it.

Me, for example, as long as I knew that there were no phone convos, no texts and no RL info being exchanged then it wouldn't bother me in the slightest. Just like guys looking at porn means nothing. My husband used to be glued to this site called punternet, which contained pictures of RL "housewives" and such, and although I knew they also posted their contact details, because I trusted him, it really wasn't an issue. Only you can know how your wife would feel and make the appropriate decision. FWIW, you do sound like a really caring DH, so good for you! Alot of men wouldn't even stop to think about whether it was wrong or not.

Yes is kind of thread tennis PAL, lol!

greeneyedgirl you put it better than me!

it might notstrictly be infidelity - but its kinda just not nice and respectful to your wife

if

a) your doing it in secret
b) she knows about it and doesnt wan you to do it and you are anyway.

its just not a nice thing to do if your a nice person.

as has been mentioned if she is ok with it and there is honesty and trust involved thatn that changes the situation

Baffy, you and me seem to be reading off the same page! Thanks for your comments on my thread too!