My husband loves someone else as well as me

[Sazdun]

Bit of a long winded one but all my close friends are also friends of his or wives of his friends so have no one to turn to.
My husband and I have been married for 8 years and together for 15. We have two girls (5 years and 10 months) and life is pretty much perfect. Yet despite all this I have found out he is in love with someone else. I know he loves me too but having seen how he behaved last weekend I am now all over the place and feel shattered.
Back in 2013 a new girl joined his work and from the get go it was clear there was a mutal attraction there (I don't think anything aside from some slight flirting has ever occured) but she also moved very near to us and as a result my husband (fiance at the time) and her would share lifts, walk to work together etc and grew close. Since they both met she has also been with her partner too. This is why I don't believe anything has ever occurred between them.
Over the years my husband and her have been on work trips together, hung out together and we as a couple have socialised with her.
To be honest, current issue aside, I see what my husband likes about her, she is pretty and very kind. Over the years she has made a real effort to include me, give gifts to our kids, help us out but if I am honest deep down it has always left a bit of a nagging feeling that this is all just an attempt to seem great to my husband. I know this makes me sound paranoid but otherwise she would just be too bloody perfect.
In return my husband seems to make an effort in his friendship with her even though he is not an overtly sociable guy. They message each other fairly regularly despite working together and while the message are all above board (I've checked), he doesn't behave like this with any other women.
After a night out when people mistook her for his wife and his friends were teasing me about 'the other woman', we had an argument about her and candidly spoke to him about her. He said he doesn't know what it is about her but he likes her and cares for her and is someone he would like in his life. While that made me slightly uncomfortable and I don't really know what to make of that, at the same time I want my husband to have friends who he cares about who are a range of different people. It has meant Over the past three years I have stepped up to be a friend to her too, I thought that might guarantee there is less chance she might overstep the mark and do anything. As I have got to know her I can see she cares deeply for my husband but that she also values the friendship I have with her too. I also think she is quite lonely and insecure. Personally I think she can do better than the guy she is with and I can see why someone like my husband is the type of person in an ideal world she would be with however in this world he is my husband.
Anyway last weekend we were at her wedding and my husband's reaction to her freaked me out and brought everything that has been under the surface for the past 8 years to a head. As she walked down the aisle he couldn't take his eyes of her. He even said to me she looked stunning (he isn't the type of guy to normally talk about people like that) and at a point in the ceremony he looked about ready to cry (he didn't even look at me like that at our own wedding). Later at the reception when my husband and her danced together they looked perfect together and so happy to be dancing together. I honestly felt like I had been punched in the gut. We left not long after as I said I didn't feel well. When we got home the next day I spoke to him about how I felt and asked him if he loved her. He said that he ofcourse loved me but there was a part of him that did love her but he didn't know in what way and he has felt like that for years but would never do anything to hurt me and our girls. When I asked him if he wanted to be with her, he said there was no point discussing that, however now I can't get it out my head. He has known her since before we got married, he could have broken it off with me and got with her if he wanted and I feel she would have been happy to go with him but now I feel like she will always be the perfect one who got away to him and I will never be able to view their relationship as an innocent friendship.
I don't know what to do. She has invited us round for dinner next weekend but I can't even face seeing her and I now feel like my husband doesn't truly love me or that our life is the one he truly wants and I feel heartbroken.
Any advice on what to do would be great.

@Pallisers

I spoke to him about how I felt and asked him if he loved her. He said that he of course loved me but there was a part of him that did love her but he didn't know in what way and he has felt like that for years but would never do anything to hurt me and our girls. When I asked him if he wanted to be with her, he said there was no point discussing that, however now I can't get it out my head

I wouldn't tolerate this for a minute (married 30 years)

Stop with the fantasy alternative life thing your husband is indulging in.

Ask him to sit with you for a serious chat tomorrow night after your children are in bed. Tell him you have NO interest in being an also-ran in the romantic/love stakes and you have only interest in being the most important woman in your husband's life. He is clearly unable to provide that so he should move out for a bit while you both consider the situation. You deserve better and you are pretty certain you can get it from another man so could he get out of the way so you can find someone who wants just you instead of a romcom script - fucker.

Don't let him say this self-indulgent, hurtful shit and get away with it. You say you love someone else too - you move out.

He is not a nice man.

👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👌

@Nosquit

Can you cope with him moving somebody else as well as you? I’m polyamorous and have a friend who I love very very much, I’m in love with him and we have a sort of relationship. (He lives hours away but We text a lot, meet up sometimes, and kiss etc.) My husband knows about this though, I have, and will, never lie to my husband about it. If he told me to break it off with my friend I would, but only because I came out as polyamorous after I had got married (it was hard to come to terms with in a mono-normative society!) and I love my husband and had made that commitment to him!! If I hadn’t been married I think I would’ve just said “being poly is part of me which you have to accept!” And indeed my special friend knows I won’t leave my husband for him, though if we got serious in the future there are routes we could go down to make him feel as important too. Polyamory isn’t very accepted but it is more common than people think. I’m not saying your DH is polyamorous, or that you should accept it if he is if you would not be happy sharing but I am saying that at least it seems like he is being honest with you. He isn’t trying to hide his feelings or make excuses. He seems committed to you but might be going through the feelings I did early on in my marriage when j had to come to terms with being in love with someone else as well as my DH.

Talk to him please.

All of this 👍 he’s been honest and life is life.

@Weatherwax13

This has been an emotional affair for years even if it hasn't been physical and they've taken blatant advantage of your efforts to be cool with it. I couldn't get past this. I'd take it to mean that he's not with her only because she's unavailable. You've been on eggshells for ages and he's just proved you were right to be. Put yourself first. He certainly isn't.

Hit the nail on the head.

Sorry OP, your whole post made me feel massively uneasy and I'm single!

I would not stand for any of this, you deserve better. You'll be in turmoil til there's a definite resolution to this scenario.

The whole thing is sick. Your Dh mooning over another woman for years in parallel to your marriage and family. She’s either keeping him on the back burner as a substitute if she needs one and an ego boost or they are actually having an affair. Neither is a good option.

I’d make him choose.
His friendship, or our marriage.

I couldn’t work through it otherwise.

I would not even have tolerated the ‘friendship’. Now this is totally unforgivable. He’d be gone

@Pallisers

I spoke to him about how I felt and asked him if he loved her. He said that he of course loved me but there was a part of him that did love her but he didn't know in what way and he has felt like that for years but would never do anything to hurt me and our girls. When I asked him if he wanted to be with her, he said there was no point discussing that, however now I can't get it out my head

I wouldn't tolerate this for a minute (married 30 years)

Stop with the fantasy alternative life thing your husband is indulging in.

Ask him to sit with you for a serious chat tomorrow night after your children are in bed. Tell him you have NO interest in being an also-ran in the romantic/love stakes and you have only interest in being the most important woman in your husband's life. He is clearly unable to provide that so he should move out for a bit while you both consider the situation. You deserve better and you are pretty certain you can get it from another man so could he get out of the way so you can find someone who wants just you instead of a romcom script - fucker.

Don't let him say this self-indulgent, hurtful shit and get away with it. You say you love someone else too - you move out.

He is not a nice man.

Great post.

You are nobody’s second best. Don’t let him make you feel like you are.

"Ask him to sit with you for a serious chat tomorrow night after your children are in bed. Tell him you have NO interest in being an also-ran in the romantic/love stakes and you have only interest in being the most important woman in your husband's life. He is clearly unable to provide that so he should move out for a bit while you both consider the situation. You deserve better and you are pretty certain you can get it from another man so could he get out of the way so you can find someone who wants just you instead of a romcom script - fucker."

This is all excellent advice, but before you do this photocopy/ take phone photos of all documents you can find - his pension statements, bank statements, tax returns, P60s etc everything. THEN have that chat.

What a horrible situation you are facing.
For the last eight years you have tolerated your husband’s growing friendship with this woman in a mature way. Unfortunately he is acting like an infatuated teenager.
I think he needs to be shocked back into the real world.
Make him realise that his silly fantasies about this woman are going to cost him his wife and family.
Have confidence in what you have to offer. Do not allow this situation to continue. You need to be very strong and firm in your dealing with him. Either he stops all contact with her now or your marriage is over. I would ask him to leave the family home for a week or even two while he works things out. I would not allow him any contact with you over these couple of weeks.
Give him a short sharp shock to bring him to his senses.
He might have felt all sentimental and aching with loss as he saw his friend walk down the aisle but give him a taste of what a real loss - his marriage snd family would be like.
Be strong, I hope he is just a silly man who has allowed his fantasies to run away with him. An escape from day to day life. If it turns out to be more than this , well you are better not wasting more time on him.
You appear to be a strong, sensible and very kind woman - trying to see the best in everyone and that is right and good. But now is the time to fight for yourself and your girls.
I wish you well.

I don’t think OW is a decent person as she keeps encouraging him and the friendship; playing with him and damaging his marriage and family. She clearly enjoys his attention. Or maybe she does have feelings for your husband but he was unable yo break the commitment she had with you.

If your husband loves you more he needs to put you and the family first and distance from that relationship. Don’t force him but do speak to him to see what he wants.

Sorry but she doesn't want him. If she did they would be together. What does her DH think of this set up?
You have to accept this or get out, perhaps therapy might help.
Me personally, I would have gone to her and asked her to walk away. If they both carried on, I would walk.

So many times on here we read about peoples partners silly new crushes, but the fact this infatuation has been going on for 8 years is staggering. I’m so sorry OP, sitting through that wedding must have been torturous and devastating. Your husband has been so weak, you need to be the strong one and know you are worth so much more than second best. You need some space and he should get out while you figure out next steps

OP, in your position I’d be raging. However, that may not be the best response. I Think you need to sort out what you are prepared to put up with and where you draw the line. It may be you can resurrect your marriage if he cuts all ties or it may be he needs to leave.

Take your time OP and if you need him to move out then make him do so.

You should be your priority now, your husband gets to call no shots in this matter.

^ if it was just a fantasy the Op wouldn’t know about it and she wouldn’t have been mistaken for his wife by others. I am concerned about the long term effect on the Op as she has put up with this for years. It’s a betrayal.

@PixelatedLunchbox

He's in love with her.

She's not in love with him.

If she was in love with him, he'd be gone in a flash.

You are "second best" to him.

Please don't be second best to yourself. You sound amazing OP.

How, how do you know this!!?? It’s might be the other way around. Or they might both love each other platonically.

Everyone is massively jumping to conclusions and OP you are getting dreadful advice. Your dp has consistently chosen you over her at every opportunity. For years. He may love her (platonically or romantically) it’s definitely possible to love more than one person. But he loves you more. He loves you as his wife and he loves you as the mother of his children. He has had the opportunity to be with her and has chosen not to.
Please don’t make any rash decisions based on the advice of a bunch of posters who would tell you to ltb for forgetting to put the loo seat down.

While I think OW is absolutely keeping op’s DH up her sleeve as her Plan B, blaming her for his fantasy life and behaviour is not right. He is an adult who chooses his thoughts, feelings and behaviours.

Practically, how are your finances? Are you able to run a household on your own?

I’d be looking to putting away a rainy day find out of sight and knowledge of your husband. Getting myself financially in a strong position.

Stop completely socialising with OW. You don’t owe her anything. She’s someone your husband has said he’s in love with. So I’d not be smiling and being cool with their friendship at all.

Start building up your own network away from your H’s friends.

None of us can tell you what to do with regards your marriage. You could continue feeling second best whilst your H moons over a woman who is now someone else’s wife.
You might consider leaving him. Practically it’s hard to do especially as you say you have no friends outside of your husbands social circle and you’ve got very young children.

You do need counselling. Marriage counselling and also examine why you’ve squashed your feelings over your husbands relationship with this woman for so long.

Either way decide what makes you happy and fulfilled and go for that. Your husband certainly isn’t putting you first. You need to.

My heart aches here for you. I don't mean to sound dramatic. But he needs to out you first. Some great advice here. I would ask him to leave (albeit temporarily)

His friendship or his marriage. If he won't make a choice - which I can't see he will, then you choose keeping your self respect and Ltb.

Just to add to the many other voices saying similar - he sounds weak, delusional and self indulgent and I have absolutely no time for any of that. He has been nurturing this for years. I would tell him to move out while you decide what you want to do. Possibly tell the children daddy is going to stay with a friend who is unwell….

The husband has said he loves this woman. The weak I don’t know in what way, is a pathetic attempt at damage control.

If he didn’t have inappropriate feelings for her he’d laugh and say are you crazy she’s one of the lads I love her like I love my mate Mark.

Op you
Need to leave your husband . This is going to be the same for years and years to come especially if she's still in his life . He loves her and he loves you it's not fair or not right

This is where being the "cool wife" will get you.

@Nosquit if you love your friend then why don’t you leave your dh for him? It sounds like you prefer friend. I don’t see the point in polyamory. You’re basically married but sleeping around (which wouldn’t be a bad thing if you were single).

He sounds like a ridiculous child but his comments are devastating! I would immediately cut this couple out of your social circle but tbh it's actually too late for that as the damage is done. TBH I think I would be having a word with her to see how she views her friendship with your H. That's me though - I would go to the source as he sounds like a deadloss. I had the equivalent of your conversation in an e mail and his response was similar to the "no point in discussion that ". It was put as "we never discussed that as we knew it couldn't happen". Our story ended and yes they are now married.