@MsDogLady
More thoughts, Sazdun.
In the face of H’s appalling behavior and revelations, surely you won’t demean and traumatize yourself by attending OW’s dinner and watching them adore each other. For both of you, all socializing with her must stop immediately. He cannot be ‘friends’ with the woman he’s in love with.
I would actually send H away for a while so you can consider your options. He needs to understand that he has severely damaged his marriage and family, and for you to even consider continuing with him, he has to end his relationship with OW. And he must change jobs. Don’t accept anything less. Be prepared to walk away if he balks.
Well said.
I also agree with Ms dogs comments:
*From the beginning, he was well aware that his feelings were not platonic, yet he did nothing to safeguard his fidelity. He gave himself permission to develop inappropriate emotional intimacy with OW, and it has deepened through the years. He had the option to strengthen his boundaries and cut off this affair long ago, but chose instead to keep investing, thereby corroding and damaging your marriage.
He humiliated you by allowing you to become friends with his emotional affair partner and by displaying their ‘couple-ness’ in public. His work colleagues will be well aware of their inappropriate connection.
Personally, I would not be able to come back from this. However, if you are going to stay and not become diminished beyond recognition, you must set recovery requirements. H will have to own his disloyalty and do all in his power to restore your trust. He will have to cut contact with OW, except for necessary work interactions. He would need to be willing to dig deep in individual counseling to examine his character flaws that enabled his emotional infidelity.*
And pallisers post.
I think he would leave for her given the opportunity. If your marriage is to have any hope, he must break off all contact with her - and yes, they should no longer work together.
He's committed a gross portrayal in allowing his feelings to develop like this and also in telling you what he did - what does he think you're supposed to do with that?!
Personally, I would push to know exactly what he meant when he said "let's not discuss it" when you asked if he would leave. I would want to know if he'd been open with her about his feelings, because if so then I don't think she's so innocent.
Even if she rejected his feelings and feels only friendship for him, which she may well do, if she has any inkling of his feelings for her then she should have backed off and reduced the friendship.
Have their colleagues ever made any other comments to you about their friendship? Because if so, I would be seriously considering whether those were hints something was going on.
Oh, and what the hell was he doing dancing with her at her wedding?
Personally, op, whatever the reality of their friendship is - whether is been a mutual affair (emotional or otherwise) or not - you deserve better than a man who doesn't adore you or respect you.
