My husband loves someone else as well as me

[Sazdun]

Bit of a long winded one but all my close friends are also friends of his or wives of his friends so have no one to turn to.
My husband and I have been married for 8 years and together for 15. We have two girls (5 years and 10 months) and life is pretty much perfect. Yet despite all this I have found out he is in love with someone else. I know he loves me too but having seen how he behaved last weekend I am now all over the place and feel shattered.
Back in 2013 a new girl joined his work and from the get go it was clear there was a mutal attraction there (I don't think anything aside from some slight flirting has ever occured) but she also moved very near to us and as a result my husband (fiance at the time) and her would share lifts, walk to work together etc and grew close. Since they both met she has also been with her partner too. This is why I don't believe anything has ever occurred between them.
Over the years my husband and her have been on work trips together, hung out together and we as a couple have socialised with her.
To be honest, current issue aside, I see what my husband likes about her, she is pretty and very kind. Over the years she has made a real effort to include me, give gifts to our kids, help us out but if I am honest deep down it has always left a bit of a nagging feeling that this is all just an attempt to seem great to my husband. I know this makes me sound paranoid but otherwise she would just be too bloody perfect.
In return my husband seems to make an effort in his friendship with her even though he is not an overtly sociable guy. They message each other fairly regularly despite working together and while the message are all above board (I've checked), he doesn't behave like this with any other women.
After a night out when people mistook her for his wife and his friends were teasing me about 'the other woman', we had an argument about her and candidly spoke to him about her. He said he doesn't know what it is about her but he likes her and cares for her and is someone he would like in his life. While that made me slightly uncomfortable and I don't really know what to make of that, at the same time I want my husband to have friends who he cares about who are a range of different people. It has meant Over the past three years I have stepped up to be a friend to her too, I thought that might guarantee there is less chance she might overstep the mark and do anything. As I have got to know her I can see she cares deeply for my husband but that she also values the friendship I have with her too. I also think she is quite lonely and insecure. Personally I think she can do better than the guy she is with and I can see why someone like my husband is the type of person in an ideal world she would be with however in this world he is my husband.
Anyway last weekend we were at her wedding and my husband's reaction to her freaked me out and brought everything that has been under the surface for the past 8 years to a head. As she walked down the aisle he couldn't take his eyes of her. He even said to me she looked stunning (he isn't the type of guy to normally talk about people like that) and at a point in the ceremony he looked about ready to cry (he didn't even look at me like that at our own wedding). Later at the reception when my husband and her danced together they looked perfect together and so happy to be dancing together. I honestly felt like I had been punched in the gut. We left not long after as I said I didn't feel well. When we got home the next day I spoke to him about how I felt and asked him if he loved her. He said that he ofcourse loved me but there was a part of him that did love her but he didn't know in what way and he has felt like that for years but would never do anything to hurt me and our girls. When I asked him if he wanted to be with her, he said there was no point discussing that, however now I can't get it out my head. He has known her since before we got married, he could have broken it off with me and got with her if he wanted and I feel she would have been happy to go with him but now I feel like she will always be the perfect one who got away to him and I will never be able to view their relationship as an innocent friendship.
I don't know what to do. She has invited us round for dinner next weekend but I can't even face seeing her and I now feel like my husband doesn't truly love me or that our life is the one he truly wants and I feel heartbroken.
Any advice on what to do would be great.

Firstly, she doesn’t feel the same way back.

I believe it’s very possible to love someone of the opposite sex but as a friend or sibling, not in a romantic way.

They will probably never get together as it would have happened already.
However if she ever asked him he would leave you for her and I couldn’t be with someone who I saw me as second best or dreamt of a life with someone else.

It sounds like you have an honest man as a husband. What he’s being honest about is incredibly painful, but at least he’s not hiding his emotions. I would try and go to a counsellor l, and talk frankly about things.

Do you feel he loves you? If you do, that makes things addressable. You may have to accept he is one of those people- and they do exist - who can love more than one person. The poster who talked about polyamory is correct.

But you set the boundaries.

I wouldn't care if my husband was capable of loving more than one person as he is polyamorous by nature - I did not sign up for a polyamorous relationship and I don't want to be in one.

I certainly wouldn't want my partner to keep it from me as it "does me no harm" either, that would be tricking me into living a life I would never consent to.

I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss that there has been a physical affair here or with her at some point.

It happens all the time.

I have been in love with someone else, while being in a committed relationship. It was a friendship confused for something else. I never actually wanted to be with the other guy, but his wedding day was very emotional for me and I wasn't even there. Just saw the pictures and was physically sick. I think it was an infatuation and sounds similar to your DH. I got over it eventually and realised it was nothing 'real' just something exciting to think about in moments of boredom. I don't think this has to be the end of your marriage .. as uncomfortable a situation as it is. But I wouldn't entertain their friendship any more. Although by telling him he can't see her any more might make the infatuation worse.
Blimey. Rock and a hard place.

‘There’s no point discussing’ whether he wants to be with her.

Sorry OP. That is a horrible thing to hear as we all know what the subtext is. He doesn’t want to rip apart his family, but if it weren’t for that, he would want to be with her.

He needs a very stern talking to. He isn’t staying within the ‘safe’ zone, as he might think he is.

He is having an emotional affair. Just like when someone decides to have a physical affair, he has chosen to allow his feelings towards her to grow, and he needs to take responsibility for that.

Effectively, to stay with you, he needs to ‘break up with her,’ as that is what it will feel like for him.

His reaction at her wedding is telling and must have been awful for you. But I wouldn't put up with being anyone's second best/plan B wife!

I went to a workmates wedding years ago where another colleague standing at the back in the congregation ran out crying. We all knew (but the bride didnt) that he was very close to her at work. Guess who he married after his first wife threw him out?

You've had some good advice here, so line up your ducks and ask him to move out whilst you consider your options.

Most people who marry do not think they are entering a polyamorous relationship so let's stop with this crap as an excuse for this man.

This woman is way too involved in your marriage but it’s for you to decide what is and isn’t acceptable. In my opinion you need to set some boundaries here. Your post took me back to 20 years ago when I was in a similar position. My DH was friends with a female work colleague who I knew personally and whilst I genuinely don’t think anything physical happened between them, there was a definite emotional attachment that made me feel uncomfortable. It all came to a head once when she had been messaging him whilst we were on holiday, I asked to see the messages, which confirmed that there was some sort of mutual infatuation although he assured me he didn’t actually love her and at that point hadn’t seen her for a couple of years. I made it perfectly clear that this was not acceptable to me and that if he was serious about our marriage continuing any longer and if he ever contacted her again we’d be divorced. Simple as that. There was no way I was going to tolerate that behaviour. We’re still together, happily married.

OP Iagree with others that there is Brad advice on this post. Your husband has been honest with you and you need to decide what you do with this. FWIW I do think it is possible to live and be attracted to more than one person. What you do with that is what defines you. If he has admitted these feelings you need a very serious discussion about next steps.
He needs to know how insecure in his love this has made you feel. He needs to stop any messaging out of work hours and meeting socially as 2 couples is not sensible. Just tell him honestly that it will be unbearable for you and not fair on them as a newly married couple.
If he is unable to agree to this then he makes a choice and it is then I would consider asking him to move out and have a long hard think about his choices going forward. He had admitted to be confused about his feelings. He now needs to tell you how he plans to reassure you of his love.

Unclear what "bad advice" you're referring to, as you basically say the same as everyone else!!

You have lived with knowing this has been happening for at least 9 years now,that is a long time to have not found your anger.I think you need to make this decision for yourself.I don't agree with making him find another job and never see her again as that's only a very short term solution and someone else will replace her,you seem like a lovely patient person but why are you happy to come in at 2nd place.I think you need to leave him for him to realise he actually had it all but by time that realisation hits him you will have found yourself more valuable than you have done the last 9 years and to little to late for your husband but that's on him.

I could not for one millisecond put up with this! The way he is talking about her I think he’s obsessed , he’s cruel and heartless! And she must be aware of his feelings I don’t believe for one second he hasn’t told her how he feels! Also although she’s married another man she hasn’t distanced herself away from your husband has she! If I was this woman I’d make sure there were no more lifts walks etc text messages! I think you are worth much more and you should get rid of him, he’s not worthy of your love op

personally i wouldnt be able to tolerate this and id have to ask him to leave , its been going on for a long time now and whilst not an affair it may as well be one , you are playing second fiddle to another woman .

your husband may not be meaning to conciously hurt you , but hes doing a good job of it anyway , i might well be a cynical bitch , but honestly if i asked do you want to be with her and i got the answer theres no point discussing it , then im sorry harsh as this sounds to me the unspoken answer is yes i do , he just doesnt want to come out and say it

similar also are the comments about not hurting you and the girls , lets face it , i think most women in relationships want their partner to want to be with them because they want to be with them , not the oh dont worry id not want to hurt you and the kids , again the unspoken message it gives me is that he,d happily swan off down the road with her if he could ,but feels obligated to stay because of you and the kids .
feeling obligated to stay with someone is the wrong reason to stay with them

all the while this goes on its going to make you feel shitty , i think a lot of people would rather be alone and find someone who actualy really wants to be with them ,than stay in a realtionship being the second best to someone else .
as for the poster that made the comment that hes been honest with you , no he bloody hasnt im afraid , the unspoken truth is all there in what hes not said ,just as much as what he has

its very easy to sit at a keyboard and say to someone to leave their marraige its true , but look at this long term and think how you will feel if this carries on another 2 or 3 years , its more time being spent unhappy and nervous , if he ends the friendship it will most likely be because he feels under duress to do so , not because he wants to .you are most likely always going to be wondering if hes mooning about after her . when you could be rebuilding your life without him and be free to eventually meet someone else who want to be with you one hundred percent

Irrespective of whether any physical boundaries have been crossed, your husband has given this woman some of the best parts of a relationship- adoration, companionship, trips away, fun social events with friends. You’re left with the drudgery and grind of bringing up small children, while he indulges his fantasy of pretending to be in a couple with her. He’s betrayed you.

As others have said, it looks like she either sees him as a friend, or she’s stringing him along as her permanent fallback option. Or perhaps the wedding was an attempt to force your husband’s hand .

He sees you as a fixture or appliance, there to service his family . He needs to face some cold hard reality, and understand that you are an independent human with agency. If he isn’t going to commit to you, you have the right to find someone who will.

You need to have a very frank, brutal discussion about how his actions will impact the family should they lead to divorce.

It sounds like he’s infatuated with her.
She may or may not realise this.
I couldnt cope with my husband feeling this way about someone else.
Would he treat a male friend the same way? Look at his male friend the same way? If not, it’s more than a platonic friendship

The friends you say were “joking” about her being the other woman.. can you talk to them? If they are your friends it seems unlikely that they were really found it funny. Maybe they were trying to bring it to your attention, or let him know that his behaviour had been noticed and wasn’t okay.

You can't unring that bell, and there's no way in hell I'd be the other woman in my own marriage.

If the messages are all above board I don’t think this qualifies as an emotional affair - I think this would involve declarations of loving/missing/wanting the other person with flirting and sexual comments etc.

And there’s obviously a reason they’ve not got together, people leave their spouses all the time - it’s perfectly possible yet they’ve chosen not to.

I think you’ve done the right things eg keeping your friends close and your ‘enemies’ closer. She may likely get pregnant soon, making it more complicated to leave her husband.

However all that said, I’m not sure I could tolerate this personally. I think feeling second best would eat me up and cause too much hurt and resentment. But I know many others do tolerate even physical affairs, so I don’t think there’s a right and wrong approach here.

I really do feel for you OP x

Fuck me. And now we've got people commending his honesty. Don't worry, OP! He's chosen you, after all 🙄

It probably is possible to love two people at the same time - it's certainly possibly to have feelings for two. Here's the thing - a decent person would make his choice and keep it to him fucking self. By telling the OP, he's making sure she's in a perpetual headfuck of confusion, anxiety, trepidation, and gratitude. What a prince 🙄

I don't think I could be with someone who is in love with someone else. That feeling of being second best or not good enough would be too painful.

I don't blame him for developing feelings, it happens, even when you're in a happy relationship. What I do blame him for is continuing the friendship for years and not cutting her off and focusing on you and his kids as that's the only way to get over it.

If you decide to stay with him then he has to break all contact with her including leaving his job if needed.

Do you think she knows all this @Sazdun?
My feeling here is she probably doesn't but of course none of us know this.

I'd be inclined to talk to her. Tell her exactly what's been going on and ask her to keep away while you try and save your marriage.

If you decide to end the relationship then maybe still talk to her or sit back and see what they both do.

I'd leave. I would be devastated but there is no way I'd stay in a relationship where I was second best.

@LetHimHaveIt

Fuck me. And now we've got people commending his honesty. Don't worry, OP! He's chosen you, after all 🙄

It probably is possible to love two people at the same time - it's certainly possibly to have feelings for two. Here's the thing - a decent person would make his choice and keep it to him fucking self. By telling the OP, he's making sure she's in a perpetual headfuck of confusion, anxiety, trepidation, and gratitude. What a prince 🙄

That’s your opinion. My opinion is a person who suppresses their feelings - living a lie - will likely end up depressed or act out in unpredictable and unreadable ways that will only be more confusing than if they just simply speak the truth.

I think you've been far too forgiving! He may not have had a physical affair, but he hasn't wanted to distance himself from her has he?! This is no way to treat his wife.
Op, I honestly think if you were his number one he would have realised the situation he was getting himself into and cut contact or at least limited contact as much as he could. But texting, meeting up.... Nah I wouldn't stand for that! I'm sorry op but you deserve so much more! He needs to cut contact and focus on your marriage or he carries on as he is, and ruins his marriage to you! He's treating you very unfairly. You deserve so much more!

I had a friend that lost her husband to what began as an emotional affair. she found a romantic poem he had written to someone. I remember her crying as she said he hadn't even told her she looked beautiful on her wedding day let alone write her poetry. Point is different people bring out different things in others. Its impossible to compare yourself to her and repeatedly doing so and continously deciding you are coming up short is going to demolish your self esteem and mental balance if it hasn't already. Its not healthy they are both having their cake and eating it and you are desparately sad. prioritise yourself. the fact that you didnt take his head of his shoulders for saying she looked stunning and then getting teary eyed over her says to me that you have been beaten down by this. stand up and get on it. xxx

I'm so sorry, OP.

I think you have to decide if you can live with being 'second best', because your husband has made it clear that you are. He loves and wants her, can't have her, so he's staying with you.

If you do decide to try to stay and save your marriage, I think you need to insist on relationship counselling and taking a step back from your connection/friendship with this woman until you know where you stand and what you want to do. If he truly wants to fix things with you and save your marriage, he should agree to this.