My husband loves someone else as well as me

[Sazdun]

Bit of a long winded one but all my close friends are also friends of his or wives of his friends so have no one to turn to.
My husband and I have been married for 8 years and together for 15. We have two girls (5 years and 10 months) and life is pretty much perfect. Yet despite all this I have found out he is in love with someone else. I know he loves me too but having seen how he behaved last weekend I am now all over the place and feel shattered.
Back in 2013 a new girl joined his work and from the get go it was clear there was a mutal attraction there (I don't think anything aside from some slight flirting has ever occured) but she also moved very near to us and as a result my husband (fiance at the time) and her would share lifts, walk to work together etc and grew close. Since they both met she has also been with her partner too. This is why I don't believe anything has ever occurred between them.
Over the years my husband and her have been on work trips together, hung out together and we as a couple have socialised with her.
To be honest, current issue aside, I see what my husband likes about her, she is pretty and very kind. Over the years she has made a real effort to include me, give gifts to our kids, help us out but if I am honest deep down it has always left a bit of a nagging feeling that this is all just an attempt to seem great to my husband. I know this makes me sound paranoid but otherwise she would just be too bloody perfect.
In return my husband seems to make an effort in his friendship with her even though he is not an overtly sociable guy. They message each other fairly regularly despite working together and while the message are all above board (I've checked), he doesn't behave like this with any other women.
After a night out when people mistook her for his wife and his friends were teasing me about 'the other woman', we had an argument about her and candidly spoke to him about her. He said he doesn't know what it is about her but he likes her and cares for her and is someone he would like in his life. While that made me slightly uncomfortable and I don't really know what to make of that, at the same time I want my husband to have friends who he cares about who are a range of different people. It has meant Over the past three years I have stepped up to be a friend to her too, I thought that might guarantee there is less chance she might overstep the mark and do anything. As I have got to know her I can see she cares deeply for my husband but that she also values the friendship I have with her too. I also think she is quite lonely and insecure. Personally I think she can do better than the guy she is with and I can see why someone like my husband is the type of person in an ideal world she would be with however in this world he is my husband.
Anyway last weekend we were at her wedding and my husband's reaction to her freaked me out and brought everything that has been under the surface for the past 8 years to a head. As she walked down the aisle he couldn't take his eyes of her. He even said to me she looked stunning (he isn't the type of guy to normally talk about people like that) and at a point in the ceremony he looked about ready to cry (he didn't even look at me like that at our own wedding). Later at the reception when my husband and her danced together they looked perfect together and so happy to be dancing together. I honestly felt like I had been punched in the gut. We left not long after as I said I didn't feel well. When we got home the next day I spoke to him about how I felt and asked him if he loved her. He said that he ofcourse loved me but there was a part of him that did love her but he didn't know in what way and he has felt like that for years but would never do anything to hurt me and our girls. When I asked him if he wanted to be with her, he said there was no point discussing that, however now I can't get it out my head. He has known her since before we got married, he could have broken it off with me and got with her if he wanted and I feel she would have been happy to go with him but now I feel like she will always be the perfect one who got away to him and I will never be able to view their relationship as an innocent friendship.
I don't know what to do. She has invited us round for dinner next weekend but I can't even face seeing her and I now feel like my husband doesn't truly love me or that our life is the one he truly wants and I feel heartbroken.
Any advice on what to do would be great.

Their messages that you can see are above board but have you checked he hasn’t got another secret messaging app like Telegram? I’d search his phone.

They’re either having a full blown affair OR she genuinely believes they are ‘just friends’ but clearly enjoys the attention. She seems lovely but it is part of a game she’s playing to keep him hooked? What does her husband think or feel?

Regardless of her feelings for your husband, he clearly idolises her and keeps her on a pedestal. It sounds like Limerence which is made worse by the fact that he can’t have her. Would he be with her instead if he could?

While he is wrapped up in his feelings for her, you are not getting what you deserve. You can’t love two people romantically at the same time. He may love you as the mother of his children and a good friend right now but don’t you think you deserve more than second best?

I’m so sorry op I think he has been conditioning you for the last 8 years to believe this is ok and normal - it’s not. I think you would really benefit from seeing a counsellor. See one on your own first while you get your mind straight about your own worth and how you feel about the two of them. Then move on to couples counselling.

Tell your husband he’s her Plan B and see how he feels about that! She doesn’t sound very committed to her husband, probably the only love of her life is herself.

Oh OP 😟 this is awful! I would be asking him to leave 💐

Christ op, I’m so sorry, what an awful situation. I’m also really angry on your behalf though. I really hate unfairness of any kind and your husband has been unfair to you for years. He must have known how you felt about his relationship with this woman, but he chose to continue with it. And as for saying he would never do anything to hurt you….that boils my piss! He’s actually been hurting you for years and now, blurting out this rubbish has hurt you massively.
I agree with @Pallisers. He’s mooning around like some love struck puppy and shitting all over you and your DC. This isn’t some romantic comedy, this is your life. And it’s time to take it back. Dig deep op and find your fury. Sit him down, now, this morning and tell him he has hurt you enormously. That you absolutely WILL NOT be an also ran or second best. For anyone. So, he either cuts off all communication with this woman (who incidentally I do not think is innocent in all this!) Cuts her off completely, changes jobs and commits to owing up to what he has done, the hurt he has caused and to making it up to you. I would also insist on attending couples counselling and individual counselling for him to work out how the HELL he could be so selfish and entitled to think that this shit show is ok. Or you are out. And mean it op. Don’t play the pick me dance, you deserve so much more.
I doubt he will agree to it, the selfish fucker will probably think you are being “unfair” Tough shit. What I do think will happen is, he will leave, realise that the grass actually isn’t greener and that she doesn’t want him, then come crawling back. The choice will then be yours as to what you do. But please op, do not accept the status quo. You need to cut him off at the knees NOW to have any chance of salvaging your relationship (if you want to) or your self esteem.

So sorry op. He's treating you terribly. He isn't even trying to reassure you. He's telling you he's in love with her, but no point discussing it as he can't have her.

In your position I like to think I would tell him 'You are clearly in love with another woman and have been for some time. You don't even deny it. You might think you're doing me a favour by hanging around, but you really aren't. I deserve to be in a relationship with someone who loves me and only me. We need to split. As you've caused this situation, I'd like you to move out while we get things sorted.'

Stay strong op. You deserve so much better. He's an arse.

@PixelatedLunchbox

He's in love with her.

She's not in love with him.

If she was in love with him, he'd be gone in a flash.

You are "second best" to him.

Please don't be second best to yourself. You sound amazing OP.

I agree absolutely

She thinks he's a nice guy, a friend, a colleague, good for a laugh etc

He, however, is in love with her. If you stay in this marriage you'll have to sit on the sidelines and watch him make a fool of himself over her. If it wasn't your marriage at stake it would be seriously cringey.

You aren't second best but he thinks you are

I think he needs to fight for you, that'll soon take his mind off the other woman. He's taking it for granted that you'll just accept things as they are. It's been going on so long he thinks he can get away with his strange emotional relationship. Personally, I think you need to tell him to leave and say you need him to prove himself to you. Let him make you the unobtainable one. He's got nowhere to go unless she leaves her marriage. I doubt her husband will be happy for the friendship to continue. If you let things continue as they are you are giving him the green light for a full blown affair.

I’ve just clocked it has been eight years!!! Bloody hell. I’d be raging at my husband. Especially as at the early start of this you didn’t have kids. This would absolutely destroy my self esteem. The fact he doesn’t want to discuss his feelings about this other woman would be a massive red flag to me. I would ask him to leave, if he then makes a real effort to try and repair the damage he has caused by cutting contact, changing jobs if possible. You deserve someone who loves you. Not someone who loves you but is in all likelihood in love with someone else as well.

It's not love, it's a crush. he looked at her that way because he couldn;t have her, he didn't need to look at you that way on your wedding day - you were his.

It's a very immature emotional reaction to having a newborn in the house, For the last ten months your attention has been on the baby and the house is full of crying and milk and poo smells, so he has shuffled off to look for something bright and shiny and effortless, like teenage love. It's utterly pathetic.

I'd be tempted to dump the baby on him and go off to find myself on a very long weekend walking holiday with my most handsome male friend.

He sounds like a bloody love struck teenager, who's living in some daft fantasy world.

It also sounds like you're enabling this by trying to be the 'cool wife' it might be unpopular but I think I'd be having serious words with him about his friendship. If he can't keep himself under control then he needs to sort his shit out. He's married to you, whilst mooning over this woman.

OP I am going to give a different viewpoint to the previous posters. I’m guessing I’m a lot older than you so have perhaps more experience of how these things can play out.

I have a group of male friends that I’ve known since I was a teenager. We are the remnants of a much bigger mixed group from uni that now live in the same country (different to where we grew up). In some respects I could be deemed the other woman in your story. All I can say is that at this stage I view these men more like siblings & have no romantic designs on them. And I’m pretty sure that is mutual. I don’t know if that is how your husband feels about this woman. But he married you not her. And it’s possible to love someone but know that you could never live with them or marry them.

However I am very mindful & respectful of the feelings of their wives/partners & take great pains to just meet in a group/bring my husband along etc.

I will admit that when I was younger I probably was less aware of the potential pain our friendship could cause & with hindsight, did not see one friend in particular for a few years as I think his wife was not happy about her friendship. I had made a lot of effort to be her friend too and he encouraged us to socialise without him to help with that. But perhaps she could not accept that I had no designs on him. I missed his friendship but totally accept that his marriage came first.

I think you need to have another conversation with your dh. I don’t think it necessarily has to be about his feelings but more about yours. If you will never be comfortable having this woman in your life/circle of friends you need to explain that & ask him to respect that.

I think it's fucking irresponsible to tell the OP the nature of the messages she's found, essentially mean she's got nothing to be worried about.

At risk of saying 'I could have written your post' - I could (almost) have written your post. Let me tell you; there were years of 'innocent' (and not very frequent) messages between them . . . until they weren't. And, as with you, it was the fact they existed at all that worried me. A notably unsociable man, who didn't much like anyone, liked this woman enough to message her periodically, even after she'd stopped working with him. The ones I found much later were like some kind of awful fan fiction. Other people's dirty talk is always naff, though, I guess. But when you find your 40 something partner has used the word 'hawt', a part of you cringes so hard that the cells necrose and die 😂

You're also very probably not being 'paranoid' enough. She's not necessarily being nice with her gifts and shit. When the OW re-entered our lives (before they started fucking, but well after the essentially instant attraction started) she was heavy with the compliments, and questions about my baby girl's clothes and turbans (she wanted them for her niece). As a PP has said, it was obviously an effort to ingratiate herself, or at the very least, flag that I had nothing to worry about. And I fell for it. I even told close friends that I'd misjudged her. What a fucking idiot.

It may be she's not that into him. But it doesn't matter, does it? It's his feelings you should be worried about, and he may as well have written them on a fifty foot billboard. PLEASE find your self-respect.

Bloody hell OP, there is no way on earth I would be able to cope with this. No way! He is treating you very disrepectfully. He should have knocked all those work lifts and walks on the head years ago out of respect for you. He is treating you like an also-ran as a PP said.

Perhaps I am biased but I put up with this sort of crap from an ex and lo and behold, they did get together after their 'friendship'. I now have a very definite radar for this sort of utter bullshit. It is an emotional affair.

Have ever thought, YOU are perfect too, committed to your husband and daughters, raising a beautiful family and all the challenges that come with being a stay at home mum, whilst also being friendly and supportive of your husbands friends including this ‘special’ friend.

It’s wise, you’ve cottoned on to their close bond and now it’s time to be wiser by placing barriers between how close your husband remains with her, given that you’ve had that difficult talk and had some very delicate issues raised to the surface! If your husband values you, your daughters and the marriage, he will accept that he needs to draw a line to focus on what’s more important, which is you and the girls and maintenance a distance with the other girl, also respecting that she is now married and should be committed to her relationship aswell. Please don’t be hasty in leaving your marriage without exploring how you could move on from this and do test the strength of your husbands commitments to you by seeing if he sticks to his words and actions.

Should he not accept and would prefer to keep his friend close to his heart and side, then I think you have your answer that the marriage isn’t worth fighting for, if your husband is betraying you on that level. Please be considerate of the fact you have two beautiful girls to think about when you make your decisions

Good luck

I think if she wanted him she could have him (sorry OP). I think she does sound like a decent person and if she does realise how he feels about her she is firmly friend zoning him in the hope that he will finally get the hint and realise she doesn’t feel the same. It sounds like your idiot DH has developed a fascination with this woman and put her on a pedestal, he probably doesn’t actually love her it’s an infatuation
The fact that he’s not even bothering to hide how he feels is massively disrespectful to you, your girls and your marriage and it’s up to you whether you can live in the knowledge that if he COULD be with this woman he would.

Wise words and advice from posters who have been where you are. Only you can decide. You say the messages are innocent but you haven’t heard the phone calls or conversation have you. Something is driving this and fuelling this affair, for that’s what it is.

I’m going to go against the grain here. I have a best male friend I’ve had since we were 14. We’ve been through everything together and I love him dearly. I know he loves me too. He’s told me ‘you’re my favourite woman in the world, after my wife and daughters’.
But that is all it is. Friendship. We did used to snog each other as teenagers but we’re almost 50 now.
I love his wife to bits too and she’s a close friend. He has made an effort to get to know every boyfriend/husband I have had.
There is genuinely nothing for his wife to worry about as I have way too much respect for their marriage and family to ever cross the line, even if I wanted to.

That’s not to say this is the situation with your DH OP and I think it’s a bit different as they met as adults but I just wanted to speak out and say it it possible for men and women to be close friends without it being an emotional or actual affair.

Yes, it’s possible to love more than one person. It doesn’t mean that you should be able to deal with that. Only you can decide what to do. All the best luck to you! P.S. I didn’t want to post this, but it’s been many years I feel deeply for my good friends DH. I don’t want to use the word “love” though. We click in many ways, have similar personalities and have a “friendship”, but we never text each other unless organisational/never spend time one to one apart from a couple of times (completely innocent). No lines crossed, most of the time is me and my friend or couples together with children. My husband will never know, because there is no need, I will never consider an affair/leaving my lovely amazing family/destroying other family. It’s my pain only and sometimes I honestly couldn’t care less for weeks, but he often pops up in my mind. It’s not my fault, I can’t do anything about it, otherwise I would. I treat it as a mental health issue, which it probably is.

Simple ultimatum - he chooses you or her.

If he chooses you, he needs to cut her out of his life completely.

I agree with you@LetHimHaveIt. OP you don't ever have to see this woman again, especially not having to go for dinner as if nothing has happened. Tell her, turn down the invitation and tell her why, that you know, tell her to fuck off out of your marriage. They've both treated you terribly. He needs to cut her off, joint counselling to see if your marriage will survive this, if that's what you want, but he has betrayed you for years, they both have.

This is death by 1000 cuts for you if you refuse to let him see her then you will elevate her in his mind and she will become even more prized than you are currently because you’re not letting him play with his toys.
It’s too late for him to choose you, he chose her along time ago it’ll always be her you need to go and find your prince charming who loves you for the woman you are and values your children.

He needs to choose you. That means finding a new job and cutting the friendship off. If not I’d walk. No one will compare well to a fantasy relationship.

Now I am the last person to defer to men as experts, but I just read the OP to my husband - I said do you think there is any chance is this platonic snd OP is reading too much into it?

His view - the husband absolutely is in love with his woman, it's not platonic, she's not a good mate. And he's treating you like his mother while lusting after some ideal he's putting on a pedestal.

@layladomino

So sorry op. He's treating you terribly. He isn't even trying to reassure you. He's telling you he's in love with her, but no point discussing it as he can't have her.

In your position I like to think I would tell him 'You are clearly in love with another woman and have been for some time. You don't even deny it. You might think you're doing me a favour by hanging around, but you really aren't. I deserve to be in a relationship with someone who loves me and only me. We need to split. As you've caused this situation, I'd like you to move out while we get things sorted.'

Stay strong op. You deserve so much better. He's an arse.

I think this is good advice, OP. He needs to leave, now. If he wants to be in the marriage with you, he will need to fight for you and prove himself.

I'm so sorry. I can feel your sadness

spacehardware I think it good to have your DH’s perspective. Personally i agree and I don’t buy that adults have eight year crushes, it’s more than that. The worse part is the deception from them both, especially the DH but she has befriended the Op to facilitate the togetherness.