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Original poster

I think you stink

120 replies

SugarCoats · 25/03/2022 20:43

Apologies for the playful title - this is actually quite a serious problem that has been ongoing for a while.

My (it’s complicated) BF is slack with personal hygiene. He also has very low self esteem and I think would be devastated if he knew I feel this way. But there’s no denying he smells quite bad.

Is this something you should tell someone? How do you do it sensitively?

OP posts:
5128gap · 25/03/2022 20:57

'mate, are you going to have a shower tonight? It's been a couple of days now and you'll start to smell'

Walkingalot · 25/03/2022 20:58

I just wouldn't put up with that and he wouldn't be my b/f. No way.

There's no nice or easy way to say it so just tell him he smells bad. Yes, he'll likely be upset but you're doing him a massive favour. Others must notice it too and probably avoid him, which feeds into his lack of self esteem. You being quiet about it doesn't help at all. Tell him or walk away.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 25/03/2022 20:59

Imo if you are close enough to be shagging someone you should be able to tell them they smell!!

Workinghardeveryday · 25/03/2022 20:59

I am having a shower/bath, are you getting in after me?

A580Hojas · 25/03/2022 21:00

That's quite unusual. Most people have an urge to be clean and fresh, even the poorest in countries with very limited resources.

Is he depressed? Does he get out/go to work?

CustardGoodJamGoodMeatGood · 25/03/2022 21:03

Tell them! I think if you're comfortable enough for them to be your BF, then you should be able to tell them anything regardless.

PrincessCaspian91 · 25/03/2022 21:04

I’d just stop spending time with them full stop. How vile. My partner is the cleanest person I know. I’d never be attracted so someone smelly.

thistimelastweek · 25/03/2022 21:04

Introduce an assumption that he'll have a shower every day.

Like, 'you want to jump in the shower first then?'.

He needs to know that daily showers are the norm.

Holland56 · 25/03/2022 21:05

I’m assuming he at least wakes up and has a shower every morning, as that’s just common daily life for everyone and otherwise you wouldn’t be with him.
So then it’s down to why he gets bad personal hygiene during the day… physically active? Physical job? … I would just tell him as he may not be aware he smells and needs an extra shower a day :) you’ll definitely want this to change before the warm weather kicks in!!

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 25/03/2022 21:10

Actually if he smells I hope you aren't having sex with him. A good wash and spray will raise his self esteem imo!! Can you treat him to a nice bath set?
Or blast him with Fabreze in passing?

Original poster
SugarCoats · 25/03/2022 21:17

I didn’t want to say in case it’s outing, but I realise it’s relevant information - he has urinary incontinence which he doesn’t manage very well, I think because it causes him such terrible MH problems that he avoids dealing with it.

He won’t demand more help from his doctor. I’ve bought him devices to try which fall by the wayside. He often falls asleep before he takes a shower but then won’t take one in the morning.

He doesn’t smell too bad when he’s fully dressed but getting into bed it’s an issue. The pads smell and he has nowhere proper to put them. He also nearly always leaks in bed. My bedroom smells.

He stays with me a lot but I’m beginning to resent the impact this is having on me. I just can’t broach the subject with him because he is just so incredibly sensitive about it. He’s a really lovely guy and I don’t want to make things worse for him. I just don’t know how to deal with this.

OP posts:
pastypirate · 25/03/2022 21:17

Is he that I don't believe in deodorant person?

pastypirate · 25/03/2022 21:19

@SugarCoats

I didn’t want to say in case it’s outing, but I realise it’s relevant information - he has urinary incontinence which he doesn’t manage very well, I think because it causes him such terrible MH problems that he avoids dealing with it.

He won’t demand more help from his doctor. I’ve bought him devices to try which fall by the wayside. He often falls asleep before he takes a shower but then won’t take one in the morning.

He doesn’t smell too bad when he’s fully dressed but getting into bed it’s an issue. The pads smell and he has nowhere proper to put them. He also nearly always leaks in bed. My bedroom smells.

He stays with me a lot but I’m beginning to resent the impact this is having on me. I just can’t broach the subject with him because he is just so incredibly sensitive about it. He’s a really lovely guy and I don’t want to make things worse for him. I just don’t know how to deal with this.

I think on this basis I would just end it
MrsSkylerWhite · 25/03/2022 21:20

That’s incredibly tough, poor man. Doubt anyone here can give you reliable advice. He really does need to somehow seek medical advice.

What a difficult situation.

Duracellbunnywannabe · 25/03/2022 21:21

I don’t think I could have a relationship with someone who neglects their health.

ThreeLocusts · 25/03/2022 21:21

If he is serious about you, he should be willing to go back to the doctor and try absolutely everything possible to alleviate the situation. Sensitive or not. Good luck!

NoSquirrels · 25/03/2022 21:23

The pads smell and he has nowhere proper to put them. He also nearly always leaks in bed. My bedroom smells

You need a lidded bin. That’s not a terrible thing to suggest. What does he do at your house?

He also needs to wash before bed. Then wear some kind of pad or pants before sleep/after sex.

NoSquirrels · 25/03/2022 21:24

What does he do at your house? - I meant to say What does he do at his house?

theyhavenothingbuttheaudacity · 25/03/2022 21:24

How old is he?

Roui · 25/03/2022 21:25

What an awful situation for you. But to be honest you need to think where this relationship is going.
If a guy can’t look after himself well enough, and he has no consideration for you having to live with his problem too, he’s not the type of guy you want to really spend the rest of your life with and have a family with is he?

I would just tell him it’s not working out for you, because deep down no matter how nice he is, he’s making you unhappy to have to deal with this issue.

Bunty55 · 25/03/2022 21:28

He's not a really lovely guy. He knows he stinks. It's antisocial and it's disrespectful to you.

How the hell do you have sex with him? I would be gipping,

TracyMosby · 25/03/2022 21:29

How is he a really lovely guy if he is sensitive to anything you say and will do nothing to help the situation?

What does he do for you that you enjoy?

BobblyBlueJumper · 25/03/2022 21:32

Yeah I'm sorry, that's way beyond being pongy into actual physical neglect.

I couldn't live like that. It's a very immature, childish attitude to have pretending that something isn't happening and expecting others to deal with the consequences.

I don't know how you can bear to be around someone who treats your home with such disrespect tbh.

Original poster
SugarCoats · 25/03/2022 21:32

It’s so complicated - I’ve already tried to break up with him but it affected him so badly that I’ve let him fall back into the relationship minus the sex.

When we broke up, I hoped (and he promised) he would seek help for his MH problems which might lead to him taking better care of himself; he’s making zero effort to do that. I often make suggestions and hint at the issues but nothing changes. We use bed pads and things but they don’t always work.

OP posts:
BobblyBlueJumper · 25/03/2022 21:34

Oh so he's emotionally blackmailed you into continuing the relationship as well? What a prince.