I think you stink

[SugarCoats]

Apologies for the playful title - this is actually quite a serious problem that has been ongoing for a while.

My (it’s complicated) BF is slack with personal hygiene. He also has very low self esteem and I think would be devastated if he knew I feel this way. But there’s no denying he smells quite bad.

Is this something you should tell someone? How do you do it sensitively?

Bloody hell, when I think of all the poor women out there who have incontinence issues and are still managing to live with dignity, this sounds pretty disgusting. Time to ban him from your bedroom and get your space back, OP.

He absolutely worships me and will do anything for me
Theyre just empty fluff words.

What does he actually do?

OP please don't stay in a relationship you don't want to be in out of fear of hurting the other person.

I did that for over 10 years, he would threaten suicide etc. It was hell. I completely understand the feeling of obligation and feeling responsible for another persons happiness and I know it's incredibly difficult to end it but you have to do the right thing for yourself, you only get one life and you deserve to be happy.

I have complex PTSD now as a result of that relationship and feeling trapped in it.

I know he was under the care of urology but was discharged. I’ve researched solutions and talked to him about them but he won’t take the first step and call his doctor. Many times I’ve tried to convince him he is worthy of help but he won’t believe that himself.

PPs are right, I think I’ve always felt more of a platonic love for him but I wanted to give him what I knew he really wanted, a relationship with me. I told him I love him like a brother and he got really upset, asking me if it’s his weight that bothers me. A relationship could never work because we lack communication - we have a lot of fun together and he’s really good company but I walk on egg shells so as not to upset him.

I know really this is about my own issues of codependency and people pleasing tendencies. I had started looking for a therapist and would like to spend some time alone to work on myself but have found myself back in the relationship and unsure how to end things because I can’t bear to see him sad and struggling. I’ll be pretty lost without his friendship for a while which also stops me ripping off the plaster.

He won't quite do anything for you if he won't wash for you. On the one hand crying about it on the other, doing nothing.
Has he got a diagnosis, is it a physical or psychological problem? I would think the first port of call would be to use a convene to contain it. There are incontinence nurse specialists who's role is to support people with his problem, you can probably access this via his GP. In the long run you will be doing him a huge favour by encouraging him to seek help to either sort out or manage the problem better.

You need to end this, now.

I second Moser on the perils of staying in a relationship where you’re more concerned about their feelings than your own.

You deserve better than this. I had to deal with continence issues with my elderly grandparent and you are a saint to live with him when he’s choosing not to be proactive about managing this. The smell is overpowering when fresh, I can’t imagine what state he must be in without washing. Whatever MH issues he has that play in to this, sadly, don’t change the position it places you in.

You should have never got into the relationship in the first place if you weren't prepared to deal with the full package it's the opposite of kindness. Maybe he has tried everything maybe he feels humiliation at the thought of pads or adult nappies ect.. but I'm pretty sure this was there at the start.

This isn't a relationship of equals. It's a relationship based on pity

I've read all of the posts so I don't think I've missed it but what is the reason for the incontinence?

Also how old is he? You can be vague if you're worried about being recognised.

Yes, in hindsight, we shouldn’t have got together. I was aware of the incontinence but not the extent or reality of it. I just assumed he was dealing with it like any person would deal with a medical condition.

I definitely don’t pity him. I love him very much, he’s my favourite person in the world which is why this is such a difficult situation. He has a lot going for him but he can’t see that himself.

You say “he would do anything for you”. He won’t even shower for you. This isn’t a fair relationship

We’re both middle aged. It was caused by a medical injury during a near death illness.

Okay maybe pity isn't the right weird but this:

"I think I’ve always felt more of a platonic love for him but I wanted to give him what I knew he really wanted, a relationship with me. I told him I love him like a brother and he got really upset, asking me if it’s his weight that bothers me."

says that you're not with him because you love him or fancy him but because you feel guilty that you don't?

Honestly this isn't doing either of you any favours. You are just going to carry on feeling more and more guilty and he's just going to feel crap because he knows you find him physically repellant.

@SugarCoats

We’re both middle aged. It was caused by a medical injury during a near death illness.

That poor man, I'm so sorry.

I can understand why some posters are being very blunt and to the point but it's easy for somebody to say "just dump him" when they don't actually know him, know you or know about the history you share (alot of which sounds positive and supportive)

However I do agree that you're going to need to bite the bullet with regards to telling him how much this is impacting you.

I can relate somewhat albeit on a lower scale. My OH is on the autistic spectrum, aspergers as it was previously known, and as such he has some sensory issues that make brushing his teeth very difficult for him.

His teeth look fine, miraculously, but when he hasn't brushed them properly for a while his breath isn't the best and it is quite off-putting when it comes to intimacy.

Like your partner, he's terribly sensitive and embarrassed about it so bringing it up is tricky and awkward but had to be done and after some unavoidable embarrassment he went out and bought himself some medicated mouthwash and a new electric toothbrush. I gently remind him after I've done mine.

As he's fastidious about all other aspects of his personal hygiene its not something I would throw the relationship away over - especially given the fact there is a medical/neurological reason for it and he's otherwise a great partner/father (I realise you have said you don't see yours romantically)

The age old saying "you have to be cruel to be kind" is very apt here and I do think you need to have the conversation for both of your sakes. I would tell him that you love and care about him and as such you must insist he asks for help and insists he receives some because he shouldn't have to live like this and neither should you.

A PP had a good suggestion about him disposing of the pads in nappy sacks. They're completely smell proof which I can testify to, having three small DC who are all in nappies.

[quote SugarCoats]@MingeofDeath, he is borderline suicidal about it I think.

Sometimes he weeps about it, particularly the effect it has on me so I daren’t admit how much it bothers me. He’s so apologetic when he leaks. But still he doesn’t do anything to change things. He rejects my suggestions saying he’s tried them and it doesn’t work. I think he’s just resigned to the fact that he leaks and nothing can change that.[/quote]
This is clearly manipulation and emotional blackmail. Pack up his stuff and throw him out

I definitely don’t pity him

Of course you do @SugarCoats . Pity as in feel sorry for him, to the extent of virtually giving him a pity shag; stopping just short of it.

He is getting to be around you without making any effort.

I would just somehow get out of the relationship; I've been in a similar (with less smell) relationship, so I know it's hard.

Surely everyone knows they deserve to see a doctor when they're ill. So in fact he's just choosing not to.

If you split up with him you may find (if you don't let him manipulate you) he miraculously starts to sort himself out. Or if needed, one way or another he will get the mental help health he needs, even if it's that services step in.

I wouldn't tell him your reasons for dumping him necessarily- make some excuse like you need your own space or whatever.

Best wishes. xxx

@Verity226

I can understand why some posters are being very blunt and to the point but it's easy for somebody to say "just dump him" when they don't actually know him, know you or know about the history you share (alot of which sounds positive and supportive)

She said she already tried to break up with him but it affected him so badly that I’ve let him fall back into the relationship minus the sex.

and

PPs are right, I think I’ve always felt more of a platonic love for him but I wanted to give him what I knew he really wanted, a relationship with me. I told him I love him like a brother and he got really upset, asking me if it’s his weight that bothers me. A relationship could never work because we lack communication - we have a lot of fun together and he’s really good company but I walk on egg shells so as not to upset him.

She does not want to be in a relationship with him. That much is clear!

I walk on egg shells so as not to upset him.

Wow @SugarCoats , you see it's not just the smell/medical issues. You must be so suffocated/drained sometimes. You'll feel a lot more relaxed when you have more of your own space.

I think when others say he he is lovely it because they find you lovely and don’t wish to upset you.

This man needs to address his medical issues for his own benefit. He really needs to get his shit together. Sad situation or not, you’ve talk to him and tried to get him to seek help.

Your job is now done.

Your favorite person in the world is robbing you of time that can be spent in a wonderful relationship. You are robbing your favorite person in the world the real reality he needs to actually seek help.

Go.

Just go.

If he can get his shit together and manage himself perhaps you’ll reunite. However, you are wasting precious time with him and hurting your own future.

PPs are right, I think I’ve always felt more of a platonic love for him but I wanted to give him what I knew he really wanted, a relationship with me. I told him I love him like a brother and he got really upset

Jesus op. What are you doing?! End it. You never even wanted to be in this relationship. He sounds appalling.

What do you think makes him lovely?

So, let's say for instance, tomorrow he addresses all issues and manages to get them all resolved. How would you feel then? Relieved / happy / willing to continue ?? Or still the same, you love him like a friend?

You don't owe anybody anything and it's ok to leave a relationship for whatever reasons you like.

You both deserve to be with someone that you want to and they you.

You need dribbling here op, just say;
Look, you can't sleep here anymore. I can't keep having to wash my bedding constantly, I just can't do it. From now on you will have to sleep at your own house ok.' Then leave it at that, no discussion. From then you can pull back on the am out of time you spend with him.
Make yourself less available. If he suggests coming to yours on a Saturday say, actually I'll let you know when I'm free. Don't get into any conversation about it just start to pull back. Meet other friends, spend your time chilling alone.
You don't owe him any explanation. If he starts trying to guilt trip you don't be afraid to say 'Actually I'm sick and tired of having to constantly wash my sheet, I'm not prepared to keep doing it.' Or 'You do realise that by not washing, you smell and not only that, you make my house house smell.'

You are actually complicit in his not addressing the issue. You've made it in his interests to continue to be ill.

The subtext here is that you are staying with him because he's so needy.

You've made it so he can't afford to improve as then you'll feel free to leave.

It's tough, OP, but you have to gird up and sort this out.

Get him sleeping on the sofa/in a separate bed or at his place until it's sorted out.

'Fred, it's getting worse, my bed is getting ruined and I'm not sleeping well because I'm getting anxious. I have to stay well, or we won't manage. I love you, but we need to do things differently.'

I think you need to be blunt, it sounds like any attempts to be subtle will go right over his head.

You need to be very clear, "I don't want to hurt your feelings, but you smell worse every time we meet. I'd hate to have to end things, over something that's so easily fixed, so please try to make an effort to wash properly".