Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think you stink

120 replies

SugarCoats · 25/03/2022 20:43

Apologies for the playful title - this is actually quite a serious problem that has been ongoing for a while.

My (it’s complicated) BF is slack with personal hygiene. He also has very low self esteem and I think would be devastated if he knew I feel this way. But there’s no denying he smells quite bad.

Is this something you should tell someone? How do you do it sensitively?

OP posts:
HellToTheNope · 25/03/2022 21:34

Raise your standards and end this relationship. How disgusting, and your resentment is only going to grow. If he isn't interested in being clean, there's absolutely nothing you can do to influence him.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 25/03/2022 21:34

@SugarCoats

I didn’t want to say in case it’s outing, but I realise it’s relevant information - he has urinary incontinence which he doesn’t manage very well, I think because it causes him such terrible MH problems that he avoids dealing with it.

He won’t demand more help from his doctor. I’ve bought him devices to try which fall by the wayside. He often falls asleep before he takes a shower but then won’t take one in the morning.

He doesn’t smell too bad when he’s fully dressed but getting into bed it’s an issue. The pads smell and he has nowhere proper to put them. He also nearly always leaks in bed. My bedroom smells.

He stays with me a lot but I’m beginning to resent the impact this is having on me. I just can’t broach the subject with him because he is just so incredibly sensitive about it. He’s a really lovely guy and I don’t want to make things worse for him. I just don’t know how to deal with this.

How is it outing? None of us know him.

Can't he simply get some extra strength bin liners for him to use for disposal, and have loads of wipes around the bedroom?

Mrsmch123 · 25/03/2022 21:36

Unfortunately your going to have to mention it or break up really. Maybe try saying now that the weather is warmer (at least where I am)you noticed more of a smell and try that angle? Must be hard but neglecting himself isn't going to make it any better.

theyhavenothingbuttheaudacity · 25/03/2022 21:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 25/03/2022 21:37

Don't become his carer and therapist op.. When the chips are down and it's your or him please save yourself.

MingeofDeath · 25/03/2022 21:39

He could dispose of his pads in nappy sacks. Vinegar is good for getting rid of urine smells. Most importantly, he needs to sort his incontinence problems sorted out. In my area there is a bladder and bowel service which can help with incontinence issues and anyone can refer themselves to it without a GP referral. There might be something like that in your area. Incontinence can have a devastating impact on a person's quality of life, I have known people who have attempted suicide because of it.
However, it is ultimately up to your boyfriend to try to resolve/manage his continence problems. If his pads smell he is not washing when changing them or leaving them on too long.

Walkingalot · 25/03/2022 21:39

Sorry but I think this is actually worse than BO, where some people are oblivious and/or lazy. He knows there is an issue but he's not managing it at all. Surely he's aware of leaking in your bed!
I'd certainly tell him no more over night stays until he gets this sorted.
But is this really what you want from a relationship?

PingPages · 25/03/2022 21:40

Why do you think your purpose in life is to be his emotional crutch and not seek out what is best for you in your own life? Sorry OP, you need to fight for yourself here, end it and work on your self esteem. You deserve more than this Sad

tkwal · 25/03/2022 21:43

Has he had a medical problem that causes the incontinence ? I know some prostate procedures can do that. I'm sorry to sound unsympathetic but I don't think I could share a bed with him. Could you visit his GP with him to discuss possible treatments or alternatives to pads etc ? I know some people can be catheterisation and have a discreet bag attached to their leg which they can empty regularly . Much less intrusive for men than women. No , it's not dignified but nothing about this is. It must be fairly limiting for you too

Original poster
SugarCoats · 25/03/2022 21:48

It absolutely is self neglect rooted in self loathing. When I say he’s lovely, everyone loves him and he is very well known and liked locally but he’s had a lot of personal struggles - really, he’s traumatised in all likelihood.

I do feel a little manipulated into a relationship but I’m equally to blame because I don’t have the balls to be honest when I know it will hurt him. We grew up together so our friendship predates our relationship and he means a lot to me. He absolutely worships me and will do anything for me, so I feel guilty that I can’t cope with this issue.

When I say it’s outing, I am scared he will see it and will know what I really think.

OP posts:
godmum56 · 25/03/2022 21:51

This is going to sound horrible but i think you might be enabling him a bit. While you let him not do anything, he's not doing anything and the poor MH means he can't face dealing with the incontinence which is making his MH worse is a carousel that needs stopping.

Awful question.....how much do you love him? because there is no middle way....either you love him enough to put your foot down and try to take over managing getting this sorted or you don't love him enough and you end it. You aren't a carer and its not up to you to feel any kind of responsibility

godmum56 · 25/03/2022 21:52

@SugarCoats

It absolutely is self neglect rooted in self loathing. When I say he’s lovely, everyone loves him and he is very well known and liked locally but he’s had a lot of personal struggles - really, he’s traumatised in all likelihood.

I do feel a little manipulated into a relationship but I’m equally to blame because I don’t have the balls to be honest when I know it will hurt him. We grew up together so our friendship predates our relationship and he means a lot to me. He absolutely worships me and will do anything for me, so I feel guilty that I can’t cope with this issue.

When I say it’s outing, I am scared he will see it and will know what I really think.

well obvs he won't do anything for you because he won't address his continence issues.
Original poster
SugarCoats · 25/03/2022 21:54

@MingeofDeath, he is borderline suicidal about it I think.

Sometimes he weeps about it, particularly the effect it has on me so I daren’t admit how much it bothers me. He’s so apologetic when he leaks. But still he doesn’t do anything to change things. He rejects my suggestions saying he’s tried them and it doesn’t work. I think he’s just resigned to the fact that he leaks and nothing can change that.

OP posts:
MartinMartinMarti · 25/03/2022 21:57

Is he special enough for you to ruin your life over? Because that’s what’s happening.

NoSquirrels · 25/03/2022 21:58

He absolutely worships me and will do anything for me apart from properly address his incontinence and mental health issues.

godmum56 · 25/03/2022 21:59

There are other things that can be done including surgical intervention. And he CAN do things to stop him leaking onto bedding and he CAN do more about personal hygiene.

NoSquirrels · 25/03/2022 22:00

[quote SugarCoats]@MingeofDeath, he is borderline suicidal about it I think.

Sometimes he weeps about it, particularly the effect it has on me so I daren’t admit how much it bothers me. He’s so apologetic when he leaks. But still he doesn’t do anything to change things. He rejects my suggestions saying he’s tried them and it doesn’t work. I think he’s just resigned to the fact that he leaks and nothing can change that.[/quote]
If he’s borderline suicidal he MUST seek help.

If he smells because he’s incontinent and won’t address it (because of his mental health) you don’t have to be in an intimate relationship with him.

You can be his friend without sleeping with him.

thistimelastweek · 25/03/2022 22:01

This is desperately sad but Leaky Joe needs to know that he is the one with the problem.

Him. Not you.

MingeofDeath · 25/03/2022 22:05

There are many reasons for incontinence. Have there been any investigations into the cause of it?

PeacefulPrune · 25/03/2022 22:10

I just can’t broach the subject with him because he is just so incredibly sensitive about it.

Just because he's sensitive doesnt mean you can't broach it. You just have to lower your expectations for his reaction. Yes he might cry, yes he might be really down for a few days but so be it. You are not responsible for his reactions.

theyhavenothingbuttheaudacity · 25/03/2022 22:16

You deserve better than to sit breathing in piss all the time. He should want better for you. When he realises he's leaked does he shower immediately/wash bedding and clothing?

Branleuse · 25/03/2022 22:19

Doesnt sound either romantic, sexy or emotionally fulfilling.
You dont have to be in a relationship with him. It sounds like you care as a friend but you cant honestly think this can work as a relationship long term?

HellToTheNope · 25/03/2022 22:24

He absolutely worships me and will do anything for me

Clearly he won't, and you know he won't. He wouldn't stink so repulsively if that were the case. This man is gaslighting and manipulating you to keep your mouth shut.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 25/03/2022 22:27

Anything except wash his genitals?

GettingStuffed · 25/03/2022 22:29

A friend of mine had similar at school, we told her she needed to see the doctor. One of us offered to go with her. Turns out she had a deep seated bladder infection and was given antibiotics which cured it. Offer to go with him and do it in a supportive manner rather than you smell go to the doctors.

Swipe left for the next trending thread