I think you stink

[SugarCoats]

Apologies for the playful title - this is actually quite a serious problem that has been ongoing for a while.

My (it’s complicated) BF is slack with personal hygiene. He also has very low self esteem and I think would be devastated if he knew I feel this way. But there’s no denying he smells quite bad.

Is this something you should tell someone? How do you do it sensitively?

@Bodgerbarbara

Poor guy. Some disgusting comments here.

I agree.

I've read many threads over the years from depressed women who have fallen into a rut and neglected themselves to the extent of not being able to drag themselves into a shower for up to a week at a time because their depression has completely zapped them of all motivation.

Such cutting replies as seen here are always in the minority on those threads, actually - I dare say I don't recall ever seeing anything so blunt and borderline cruel on any of those womens threads.

When it's a woman writing about a male partner however it's a totally different story. It's all about how disgusting he is and how his partner/spouse is a mug. The fact that this man's incontinence is a result of life saving surgery after a near death experience doesn't make a blind bit of difference to some of these posters.

OP, if you're still here - please don't be spooked away from the thread by the people who have nothing to offer bar "LTB because he's disgusting and you're a mug"

OP - Of course you shouldn't feel obliged to stay in a relationship that isn't making you happy, and if you want some advice and support in ending the relationship then you'll get plenty here, but please don't feel as though you have to leave the thread because you're not ready to kick him out and change the locks immediately as some people think you should.

@Imperfectp3rf3ction

You should have never got into the relationship in the first place if you weren't prepared to deal with the full package it's the opposite of kindness. Maybe he has tried everything maybe he feels humiliation at the thought of pads or adult nappies ect.. but I'm pretty sure this was there at the start.

Have you read the op posts?

She has tried to help and support him.

It sounds like you are obsessed with trying to help him which is pointless if he won’t help himself. Your life will just be terrible too.

If you want something to care for adopt a dog.

[quote me4real]@SpringsSprung Lots of people have incontinence and aren't overwhelmingly whiffy or anything- they take care of it.

I do think a shower or bath every morning is normal for most people- especially if they need to have it that often (most people know when they need it, or have one to be sure of it.)[/quote]
Nobody I know showers every day! None of them stink. The dermatologist my daughter sees actively advises against it as showering too often, strips your skin of natural oils

@SpringsSprung FYI daily showers are definitely the norm

I shower daily…my skin is perfectly fine. I understand if you have skin issues and have advised not to, that’s entirely different. If you have incontinence issues, then I can only only imagine that showering/bathing ever day would be essential.

Sorry for typos! Fat fingers, small screen…

[quote SpringsSprung]@theyhavenothingbuttheaudacity
who stinks of piss

Disablist comment of the month! The poor guy has a urinary incontinence disorder[/quote]
It's not disablist at all ffs - he is perfectly able to wash and change himself yet chooses not to! But you obviously also surround yourself with people who don't wash

He absolutely worships me and will do anything for me, so I feel guilty that I can’t cope with this issue

He is being utterly disrespectful to you. He doesn't really care enough about you to change his behaviour, and he doesn't have to change it because you let him do it. You have a complicit little secret, him and you.

You are letting him get away with this because it bolsters your need to to raise your own self-esteem by being the Understanding Compassionate Caring Puts-Herself-Last-Always AND Even Feels Guilty girlfriend. The amazing thing is, that you can get to be Understanding Compassionate and Caring etc whilst actually damaging both yourself (which makes you feel proper Saintly) and him (by allowing him to behave at a sub-normal human level), ensuring that the merry-go-round goes on and on...

Classic Co-dependency.

@theyhavenothingbuttheaudacity I most certainly do not! How dare you!?!?

[quote PrincessCaspian91]@SpringsSprung FYI daily showers are definitely the norm[/quote]
No, they're really not! Totally unnecessary

Here’s something that will blow your mind! I shower every morning and have a bath every night!! 🤯

@SpringsSprung I shower daily and its the norm in our house.

However, if you had incontinence issues it definitely would have to be the norm.

It really is spring
Seems like you are the one who is out of the ordinary with this

Sorry to hear you're going through this. Can I ask, who deals with the bed linen when he leaks i your house? Does he strip the bed and put it in the washing machine? What does he do with his pads?

You don't do that for him, right? Sorry if anybody else asked and I missed it.

@PrincessCaspian91

How very nice for you that you have a nice clean hinched partner. But please think before you write "vile" comments. There could be medical reasons someone isnt hygienic or just smell in general.

Spring, someone with severe incontinence certainly should be showering daily. Having pee on their skin so much would lead to skin breakdown and infections.

I think you're going to have to tell him.
manipulating and guilt tripping you to stay with him isn't a nice thing to do.
He's trying to bully you into accepting his refusal to do anything. That's not caring. It's abusive.

You didn't say how long ago the surgery happened, but medicine progresses at a fast rate and there may be a way to fix it now.

A permanent catheter might be an option but he'd still have to clean it.

I would just tell him he needs to see a doctor and mental health professional and you can be around until he does.
If he threatens suicide, call the police on him. He'll have to have an observation.

You mentioned him being self-loathing. People that hate themselves aren't capable of loving others.

Nobody I know showers every day!

@SpringsSprung I couldn't get away with it.

It doesn’t matter how often anyone else showers. The op dies not want to share a bed with this man, she doesn’t want a relationship with him, never mind having to sleep in ironed stained sheets with him then get up and have to wash her bedding every time he stays. Good grief I would not be tolerating that from someone who I had told I don’t want to be with.