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Original poster

I think you stink

120 replies

SugarCoats · 25/03/2022 20:43

Apologies for the playful title - this is actually quite a serious problem that has been ongoing for a while.

My (it’s complicated) BF is slack with personal hygiene. He also has very low self esteem and I think would be devastated if he knew I feel this way. But there’s no denying he smells quite bad.

Is this something you should tell someone? How do you do it sensitively?

OP posts:
SoItWas · 26/03/2022 08:22

*I would tell him now either way, before you break up with him, if you do, or he'll think you're just trying to hurt his feelings (assuming he can't smell it himself/has gone smell blind).

If he changes, and you still don't want to be with him, take solace in the fact you've done him the kindness of pointing it out, at least, so he can act on it, which will help his future relationships massively.

If he doesn't take it on board, or gets defensive, then don't feel any more pity for him, he's knowingly choosing to inflict his grim self on others...Doe

layladomino · 26/03/2022 08:22

You don't want to be with him as a couple. You've made that clear. So the only fair and decent thing to do is to break up with him. Aside from all the other issues, it isn't fair on either of you to be together in a less than honest way. Prepare your words and stick by them. Don't give in to emptional blackmail.

Which brings me to the other issues -
You say you walk on eggshells with him
He emptionally manipulates you to get what he wants
You say he'll do anything for you, but he is putting his own needs above yours (begging you to stay with him when he knew you didn't want to for example)
He won't take any action to help is medical and MH situation. You both seem to think it's your job to make his life easier and research solutions, when in fact it is his job to do that.
He seems just to take. You seem just to give. You've given up your home and bed and you're in a relationship you don't want. You live in fear of upsetting him.

He isn't a great bf. A great bf would seek the help that's available and wouldn't emotionally blackmail someone to be with him.

You can hopefully still be friends after all of this. But never stay with someone because they have threatened what they'll do if you don't. If splitting up with someone genuinely makes him suicidal then he needs to talk to his GP about that as well.

SoItWas · 26/03/2022 08:22

** does he not wonder why you don't want sex with him?

whitecreambluejug · 26/03/2022 08:34

Tbh you don’t have a him problem, you have a you problem. I suggest you seek therapy to work through why you think you aren’t entitled to any boundaries, and exist only to fulfil the needs of others at great cost to yourself.

pinkyredrose · 26/03/2022 08:40

You need to end it. The longer you leave it the worse it'll be. He hasn't kept his word to get help. Just tell him that you love him as a friend but a relationship isn't working.

Blueuggboots · 26/03/2022 08:42

My (now ex) H had a dreadful BO problem when we were first together. I was honest with him - he knew it was an issue but didn't know what to do about it. I introduced him to Mitchum deodorant and the problem was solved.

pinkyredrose · 26/03/2022 08:45

, I think I’ve always felt more of a platonic love for him but I wanted to give him what I knew he really wanted, a relationship with me

There's people pleasing and there's self flaggelation.

Blueuggboots · 26/03/2022 08:47

Sorry, I've just RTFT and my comment before isn't really relevant.
You're being walked all over here OP. You need to stop this.

heyday · 26/03/2022 09:24

I can understand you not wanting to break up with him as it would be painful to both parties. However, it is obvious that he is not going to change because he doesn't want to change. I suggest that you gradually phase him out of your life. Make up excuses for not seeing him when he suggests getting together...'you're not feeling well' 'you have things you need to do' etc and slowly see less and less of him until it dwindles away. If you don't do that then the alternative is to put up with it coz nothing is gonna change.

Watchkeys · 26/03/2022 16:46

If he's a lovely guy he'll respect your wishes, and simply make an effort to be clean.

I think you need to realise he's not a lovely guy. He's a guy who's nice to you because having a relationship saves his self esteem, but he's not willing to cover even the basics to make you happy. If you're with him because he can't cope emotionally without you, you're being emotionally manipulated by him.

Bodgerbarbara · 26/03/2022 18:01

Poor guy. Some disgusting comments here.

BlueSummerBaby · 26/03/2022 18:22

@SugarCoats

I didn’t want to say in case it’s outing, but I realise it’s relevant information - he has urinary incontinence which he doesn’t manage very well, I think because it causes him such terrible MH problems that he avoids dealing with it.

He won’t demand more help from his doctor. I’ve bought him devices to try which fall by the wayside. He often falls asleep before he takes a shower but then won’t take one in the morning.

He doesn’t smell too bad when he’s fully dressed but getting into bed it’s an issue. The pads smell and he has nowhere proper to put them. He also nearly always leaks in bed. My bedroom smells.

He stays with me a lot but I’m beginning to resent the impact this is having on me. I just can’t broach the subject with him because he is just so incredibly sensitive about it. He’s a really lovely guy and I don’t want to make things worse for him. I just don’t know how to deal with this.

I would have to break up with him. Unless he has zero sense of smell then he knows he smells. He's choosing not to do anything about it. That's disrespectful to you. All the while you put up with it he won't change. He's not as lovely as you think he is if he's expecting you to put up with this nonsense.

He needs a disposal solution for the pads so they're not left around stinking the place out. You probably need to burn your mattress and duvet! Then invest in a waterproof mattress cover. If incontinence is impacting his MH then he needs help for that too as well as to get the original problem under better control. All this stuff, including the new bedding, is for him to sort out though.

Tell him you're happy to stay friends, if you want, then arrange to only meet him outside where you won't smell him so much! If he asks why you're breaking up I'd be honest and say you can't be with someone who neglects their health.

He doesn't need to be a genius to work out that if he has incontinence he's going to need to wash several times a day. Or that pissing somebody else's bed and leaving pissy pads lying around isn't acceptable. Ignoring his medical condition isn't going to help it, he knows this. Counselling to learn to accept himself and the condition might enable him to start looking after himself.

BlueSummerBaby · 26/03/2022 18:29

@pinkyredrose

, I think I’ve always felt more of a platonic love for him but I wanted to give him what I knew he really wanted, a relationship with me

There's people pleasing and there's self flaggelation.

WTF OP?! Confused You need therapy too. This is so far removed from healthy, it's unreal. Why would you sideline yourself so much that you'd date someone who you have no romantic feelings for just because they want to date you? It's seriously messed up.
SpringsSprung · 26/03/2022 19:51

@CustardGoodJamGoodMeatGood

Tell them! I think if you're comfortable enough for them to be your BF, then you should be able to tell them anything regardless.
Them? It's one person
SpringsSprung · 26/03/2022 19:54

@thistimelastweek

Introduce an assumption that he'll have a shower every day.

Like, 'you want to jump in the shower first then?'.

He needs to know that daily showers are the norm.

Since when are daily showers 'the norm' what a load of nonsense! Every other day is more than sufficient and always has been for the vast majority of the population of the western world! Unless you have work a manual job/been sweating excessively or are filthy one day after showering the day before for example. Or do you just enjoy destroying your skin!?
SpringsSprung · 26/03/2022 19:55

@Holland56

I’m assuming he at least wakes up and has a shower every morning, as that’s just common daily life for everyone and otherwise you wouldn’t be with him. So then it’s down to why he gets bad personal hygiene during the day… physically active? Physical job? … I would just tell him as he may not be aware he smells and needs an extra shower a day :) you’ll definitely want this to change before the warm weather kicks in!!
No, it really is not common daily life for everyone! 🤣
SpringsSprung · 26/03/2022 19:59

@theyhavenothingbuttheaudacity
who stinks of piss

Disablist comment of the month! The poor guy has a urinary incontinence disorder

me4real · 26/03/2022 20:33

@SpringsSprung Lots of people have incontinence and aren't overwhelmingly whiffy or anything- they take care of it.

I do think a shower or bath every morning is normal for most people- especially if they need to have it that often (most people know when they need it, or have one to be sure of it.)

PunishmentRoundupWithJoon · 26/03/2022 20:34

It's understandable that his mental health is affected by this, but ignoring the issue and not dealing with it effectively isn't going to help his mental health. If he wants you to stay with him, why on earth isn't he doing everything to facilitate that? Such as reducing the impact his urinary incontinence has on you The very least he can do is take care of himself, keep himself clean and take responsibility for dealing with the pads/leakage. It must be very upsetting for him to deal with this, but it does have to be dealt with.

Franklyfrost · 26/03/2022 20:37

It's not a kindness to stay with someone you don't want to be with. They will sense the rejection and it will make them more depressed. The relationship sounds awful if you can't even say 'I got a bin for those pads' or 'you need a shower my love' or 'lets put some fresh sheets on', you're doing no favors to either of you.

EmergencyPoncho · 26/03/2022 21:05

This sounds very difficult, for both of you. I would encourage him to work on his mental health first, then the incontinence. He's in a vicious circle at the moment, he doesn't have any regard for self care because he's depressed. Hopefully when that is being worked on, it'll give him the strength to work on the incontinence.

TheBigPeach · 26/03/2022 22:12

Surely a urologist would be able to help him somehow, do you know why he was discharged from that service? Does he talk to you about any of this side of the issue?

I think I would bring the subject up in an informal way as in, have you been to the dr lately to discuss/when can you go back to the dr to pursue getting this sorted out?? Bringing it up may make him realise it’s still an issue. I’d also do as the poster above suggests and get your room sorted with a good bin and whatever else you might need to make this bearable whilst you decide what you want to do next. I found this website, it might be helpful? www.ageukincontinence.co.uk/incontinence-shop/personal-care/odour-and-stain-control.html

I’m so sorry you are going through this, it’s obvious you care for him very much.

IshaCoco · 26/03/2022 23:09

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

Anything except wash his genitals?

Sorry, this really made me laugh! I appreciate it's not a funny thread, though.

Momstheword91 · 26/03/2022 23:20

@SugarCoats

It absolutely is self neglect rooted in self loathing. When I say he’s lovely, everyone loves him and he is very well known and liked locally but he’s had a lot of personal struggles - really, he’s traumatised in all likelihood.

I do feel a little manipulated into a relationship but I’m equally to blame because I don’t have the balls to be honest when I know it will hurt him. We grew up together so our friendship predates our relationship and he means a lot to me. He absolutely worships me and will do anything for me, so I feel guilty that I can’t cope with this issue.

When I say it’s outing, I am scared he will see it and will know what I really think.

You say he loves you and will do anything for you but he won't seek medical intervention to help himself (or you)? IMO but that is the complete opposite of your description. If depression plays a part, then lack of hygiene is one factor of that. You don't have to suffer though!

My ex done the emotional blackmail - I broke up with him.... a day later I had a nurse call me from the hospital that he had taken an overdose..... all to guilt trip me into taking him back!

I think you need to figure out if you want to be his mom/carer or his girlfriend. Personally, id choose neither!

me4real · 26/03/2022 23:25

This sounds very difficult, for both of you. I would encourage him to work on his mental health first, then the incontinence. He's in a vicious circle at the moment, he doesn't have any regard for self care because he's depressed. Hopefully when that is being worked on, it'll give him the strength to work on the incontinence.

@EmergencyPoncho I think it'd work a lot the other way round too, though. I know that if I'm a bit skanky and have a bath, I immediately feel so much more like a functioning human being. If he started doing these things he'd feel a lot better, it'd raise his self esteem (while he's doing stuff for his mental and medical wellbeing too of course, it's not an either/or but feeling a lot more human is something he could do within the next 24hrs by having a bath.)

I know what depression's like but I think most of us feel better after, even if we have to make ourselves do it.

The same with the pad thing or whatever. He'd go from knowing that he stinks and pisses someone else's bed, to being on top of it, just by changing pads or wearing them at night or whatever.