Partner's mum controls DP and our relationship

[PinkStarAtNight]

I have just had a big argument with my DP over the level of influence his DM has over him, and therefore over our relationship - mainly when we can see each other. The argument was also caused by me feeling that he doesn't care about spending time with me as much as I care about spending time with him and he also wants more space in the relationship than I do so for a while now I've been feeling hurt over this and I think this has contributed to the argument that has blown up.

We've been together 4 years, but don't live together yet. He lives at home with parents and brother. We alternate between him coming to stay at mine and me going to stay at his parents house. I get on well with his family most of the time and I'm included in Christmas, birthdays, Easter etc etc...

The plan was for me to go to his this weekend. We haven't seen each other for a week - he likes to have about a week between seeing each other because he needs 'personal space' whereas I would prefer to have more of an arrangement of him being at mine for the week and then me spending the weekend at his and then back to mine, sort of on a rolling basis with maybe a couple of days apart here and there. Everyone else I know who are the same age as us and been together 4 years have moved in together or are in the process of doing it. My DP has said we can't do this because he's studying an access to higher education course full time and needs to live at home so that he doesn't have to work, then he'll be at uni for three years. So I'm thinking that the only reason we don't live together is practicality, and it would make sense that we would both want to spend as much time together as possible. However he said he needs a lot of space and time to himself, so we don't do this and there usually is a week between seeing each other.

Anyway, earlier this week DPs brother tested positive for Covid. He is staying home from work and isolating. DP said to me a few days ago 'if DB is still positive at the end of this week you might not want to come over, its up to you.' I said it would probably be ok because its not like I'll be in close contact with him, I've had vaccinations and I'm very much of the opinion that we need to start getting back to normal now. Theres no longer any legal requirement to isolate if you have covid and the government have said they're basically treating it like flu now, and I think with most people being vaccinated unless you're vulnerable there's no need to get too worried about it - we can't keep testing and isolating forever.

DPs family have always been more anxious about Covid so I'm sure if I was positive they wouldn't want me there. But since in this situation its DPs brother who is positive and they've all been exposed to it anyway, I thought it made sense that it would be up to me to make my own decision about whether to take the risk and go visit him anyway.

Apparently not...yesterday DP said his DB was still positive and I probably shouldn't go. I said I would risk it because I really want to see him and I'm vaccinated, etc etc...he then said 'I don't think you should risk it' and was sort of trying to convince me not to, but as he had said a few days ago that it was my choice I was sticking to it. So he eventually said 'well my mum is freaking out about it' and sent me screenshots of messages between him and her on Facebook, where he had asked if I could go over at the weekend. She had replied 'noooo absolutely no way at all, your DB is still testing positive and even if he wasn't we would all have to isolate and wait to see if we have been infected, it would be stupid for PinkStar to come over and no you cannot go over to hers either!'
He had simply replied with 'ok.' and then preceeded to try and convince me to not risk it and come to the decision myself, probably hoping he wouldn't have to tell me that his mum had actually forbidden it so it wasn't actually my choice.

He is now saying that he agrees with his mum, even about him not coming to see me. I keep saying that surely that should be my choice and my risk to take and they are making the choice for me. I also said that it felt that he was using it as an excuse not to see me and that I have a real problem with how much influence his mum has over him and as a result of that our relationship. He listens to everything she says over what I say and if she says he can't or shouldn't do something, he doesn't.

What has shocked me most about this is her saying 'no you cannot go over to hers either.' We are 26 and I feel like she's treating us both like children and he's allowing it to happen, perhaps because he didn't want to see me anyway. He has said I'm completely overreacting and its perfectly reasonable to be cautious over covid but I can't help feeling really angry and hurt over it all. The argument was pretty big and we've almost broken up - i don't know whether I should give up on the whole thing and end it properly.

So, I suppose I'm asking whether I'm overreacting or not? I know people have different views about how we should treat covid going forward, but this is more about his mum and him making the decision for me when I'm actually happy to take the risk. I just feel that its being used as an excuse.

This is nothing to do with Covid or your partners mum. It is truly a case where you have a DP problem rather than a “MIL” / Covid problem.You are focussing on the wrong issues you have been with your DP for 4years and he says it’s going to stay the same for another 3 years? Don’t you want a proper relationship with a partner who’s not totally enmeshed with his family? How many more years are you going to waste, seeing each other once a week and never progressing your relationship.

he likes to have about a week between seeing each other because he needs 'personal space

Christ, just end it. This is not normal. It’s not about COVID either. You’re 26 not 16. Own your life,

Your boyfriend is not behaving in the typical way of 26 year old, more like a 17 year old.
You are not overreacting in any way. I think you need to ask him if he see's your relationship as a long term arrangement. It seems he has no plans to lead an adult life until 29? Do you really want to put your life on hold until then?

He's trying to end it imo

Your boyfriend has yet to make that giant leap from parent/child to adult/adult in his relationship with his mother. This is bound to cause tension in your relationship with him.

You don’t seem to be getting much satisfaction or enjoyment from this relationship at all. Add to this, that he is planning on doing a university course for three years which will take up his time and his emotional involvement.

All in all, you would be far better ending this relationship, and finding someone who could offer you the same level of emotional commitment and practical involvement that you are prepared to give, and need.

You have already wasted four years of your life on an unfulfilling relationship, don’t waste any more time!

what a waste of your life. don't waste your 20s on this guy. before you know it, you will be in your 30s and missed out on the chance on having a family. it will be a sad life for you and too late to do anything. be glad you have time on your side to still meet someone who values you and who will want the same thing as you.

Re the covid thing - IMO you would be wrong to visit. The Government aren't just treating it like flu, and although it is no longer illegal to go out in public if you have it, the advice from Governement and NHS is still to self-isolate. And whilst there may be occasions when people decide not to do that, I don't think going to stay in the house of someone who has it, when you don't need to, is sensible. It isn't just about you. If you want the economy to get back to normal then do what you can within reason to avoid spreading it and making other people ill.

All that said - this is a bf problem not a MIL one. After 4 years he needs a week between visits as he needs his space. He doesn't need space from his family but he does need space from you? So he is telling you that, even if he wasn't at uni, he still wouldn't want to live with you.

Walk away and find someone who can't wait to see you, and looks forward to it.

If you stay with him this will be your life. Forever. Her constantly dictating everything

Bin him, you deserve so much better

You are flogging a dead horse.
He really isn't that interested in you. Cut your losses and find someone that actually wants to spend time with you who isn't a mummy's boy.
Just imagine how controlling she would be if you got married and had children.

There's a few seperate issues going on here.

First, your choice to take the risk, yes that is true. But it's also his mother's house and if she says no you can't come and stay this weekend that is entirely up to her and you are wrong to push it.

Second, him not coming to yours instead because his mum won't let him go out to play. You're correct it's a ridiculous situation and says a lot about his character as a man.

Thirdly, only seeing him once a week, at a schedule set by him because he needs 'personal space'. Take it from someone twice your age, if he was the man for you, the one to build your future with, you'd be seeing him a lot more than this. When a man genuinely loves you and sees his future with you, he'll drop anything and everything to spend time with you.

He’s the problem. It’s his mum’s house so she’s entitled to her rules re covid. In her situation I’d be restricting visitors too to try to limit potential infection. He’s obliged to accept that. Otherwise he can make his own mind up. And he has. He is not seeing you.

Even before this it’s all on his terms. Why bother, it’s unlikely to change. Cut your losses and move on.

Look, you don’t get to decide if you will
Be a welcome guest at their house at this moment in time. The homeowners do.

Equally as a guest in his parents house they get to decide whether he is welcome there if they have strong views on whether the household should/should not isolate etc. he can always move out if he doesn’t like it, but until then should respect their views.

Suck it up for a few more days.

Then you need to think about whether or not this is really the right relationship for you - it doesn’t sound as if you are both on the same page

It seems like the relationship is all on his terms. What's in it for you apart from waiting years while he goes to uni. What happened after that? As above pp's have said, don't waste your life waiting around for a mummy's boy, she will loom large over your lives forever, is my belief

I happen to agree about visiting this weekend but other than that good god, why are you wasting your life with this complete man child?!?

Tbh it sounds like he's not that keen on a relationship and doesn't want to see you very often.

Unfortunately if he's living in his parents house rent free they absolutely can dictate that he can't have you stay. And it sounds like it's going to be this way for the next 3 years.

I'd ditch this one and move on.

Well, his mum is right. You shouldn't be going into a home where someone has covid.

My mates bf caught it the other week so we discussed that if we met up over the next week, it would only be outside and only on the condition she had a negative text that morning. Low and behold, she caught vovid within 4 days too anyway so that's that scarpered. They both had all their jags too. And he is really ill apparently.

You don't go and stay in someone's house when there is covid in it. That's madness. And the reason behind the madness is that your be doesn't ever want to spend time with you so you're desperate for scraps of company.

Your partners mum is not the problem. The fact is, your bf is just not that into you. And tbh, he couldn't be more clear with you about it.

I very much need my own space too but when I have a partner I really like, I usually wouldn't want to go more than 4 days at a time without seeing them. Because I feel comfortable enough with them that it isn't smothering to spend time with them.

This guy either after all this time, still feels smothered by spending too much time with you. Or he just doesn't see you as a big part of his life. My money would be on the later as ppl who need space, don't live with their family.

If you want a serious relationship, this isn't the man for you. After uni it'll be some other distraction. He doesn't want to leave his mummies and he doesn't want to put the effort into your relationship that he should. Because he just doesn't care enough.

Either roll it back to a just for fun thing. Or walk away and find someone who priorities you like they should.

Your bf is still living like a child . And it's painfully obvious that he's not that into you . I'll be honest my mouth fell open when you said he was 26. I was thinking of someone late teens .
Honestly OP , find someone mature and who actually wants to see you.

I think you're wrong in blaming this on his mum. You aren't wrong to be fed up of being an occasional girlfriend to a manchild that prefers mooching off his parents to adulting.

He has told you outright that nothing will change for several more years (and even then I suspect he'll just find a new excuse to stay home and have mummy look after him).

Give this up as a bad job and find someone at the same life stage as you. That way you won't end up putting your life on hold for your entire 20s waiting for him to grow up.

His mum isn't the problem.

I wouldn't have anyone visiting if one of us tested positive for covid either.

You and your boyfriend are totally incompatible.

He isn't wrong for wanting a lot of space, you're not wrong for wanting more time together either.

No point in clinging isnto a mistake because you spent a long time making it.

Cut your losses and finish the relationship.

Sorry, but this relationship isn't going to work. He's not in the same place as you. So he'll go to uni for 3 years and you won't live together then, so you'll have been together for 7/8 years by the time you can. Then it'll be "no, I want to save to buy a house so I'll stay with mum". I'd move on.

He’s behaving like a16 year old but then you are letting him.
Don’t blame his mum, blame him - then dump him and find a grown up instead

As long as your BF chooses to live like a child, he has to abide by his mother’s rules. It is her house. She gets to decide if guests come over and she also gets to decide if a resident can return after going out into the world during a pandemic. The quality of her decisions is irrelevant. It’s her home. She is in charge.

Your BF likely isn’t as invested in the relationship as you and perhaps more importantly, isn’t at the same life stage. You have moved on to independent adulthood. He is still living in that quasi-adult space where people transition from childhood to independence.

You and your BF want different things out of this relationship.

I would move on and look for someone who wanted the same things as me.

Just end it . Christ I couldn't be arsed with it all.

Sorry but it seems he doesn't want to be with you. He may have even got his mum to help him avoid you by showing you that message. Who an earth would do that unless they want to end the relationship?

I would start to focus on yourself now OP while you are still young enough to do so. Go out and have fun instead of worrying about this 'man'