Partner's mum controls DP and our relationship

[PinkStarAtNight]

I have just had a big argument with my DP over the level of influence his DM has over him, and therefore over our relationship - mainly when we can see each other. The argument was also caused by me feeling that he doesn't care about spending time with me as much as I care about spending time with him and he also wants more space in the relationship than I do so for a while now I've been feeling hurt over this and I think this has contributed to the argument that has blown up.

We've been together 4 years, but don't live together yet. He lives at home with parents and brother. We alternate between him coming to stay at mine and me going to stay at his parents house. I get on well with his family most of the time and I'm included in Christmas, birthdays, Easter etc etc...

The plan was for me to go to his this weekend. We haven't seen each other for a week - he likes to have about a week between seeing each other because he needs 'personal space' whereas I would prefer to have more of an arrangement of him being at mine for the week and then me spending the weekend at his and then back to mine, sort of on a rolling basis with maybe a couple of days apart here and there. Everyone else I know who are the same age as us and been together 4 years have moved in together or are in the process of doing it. My DP has said we can't do this because he's studying an access to higher education course full time and needs to live at home so that he doesn't have to work, then he'll be at uni for three years. So I'm thinking that the only reason we don't live together is practicality, and it would make sense that we would both want to spend as much time together as possible. However he said he needs a lot of space and time to himself, so we don't do this and there usually is a week between seeing each other.

Anyway, earlier this week DPs brother tested positive for Covid. He is staying home from work and isolating. DP said to me a few days ago 'if DB is still positive at the end of this week you might not want to come over, its up to you.' I said it would probably be ok because its not like I'll be in close contact with him, I've had vaccinations and I'm very much of the opinion that we need to start getting back to normal now. Theres no longer any legal requirement to isolate if you have covid and the government have said they're basically treating it like flu now, and I think with most people being vaccinated unless you're vulnerable there's no need to get too worried about it - we can't keep testing and isolating forever.

DPs family have always been more anxious about Covid so I'm sure if I was positive they wouldn't want me there. But since in this situation its DPs brother who is positive and they've all been exposed to it anyway, I thought it made sense that it would be up to me to make my own decision about whether to take the risk and go visit him anyway.

Apparently not...yesterday DP said his DB was still positive and I probably shouldn't go. I said I would risk it because I really want to see him and I'm vaccinated, etc etc...he then said 'I don't think you should risk it' and was sort of trying to convince me not to, but as he had said a few days ago that it was my choice I was sticking to it. So he eventually said 'well my mum is freaking out about it' and sent me screenshots of messages between him and her on Facebook, where he had asked if I could go over at the weekend. She had replied 'noooo absolutely no way at all, your DB is still testing positive and even if he wasn't we would all have to isolate and wait to see if we have been infected, it would be stupid for PinkStar to come over and no you cannot go over to hers either!'
He had simply replied with 'ok.' and then preceeded to try and convince me to not risk it and come to the decision myself, probably hoping he wouldn't have to tell me that his mum had actually forbidden it so it wasn't actually my choice.

He is now saying that he agrees with his mum, even about him not coming to see me. I keep saying that surely that should be my choice and my risk to take and they are making the choice for me. I also said that it felt that he was using it as an excuse not to see me and that I have a real problem with how much influence his mum has over him and as a result of that our relationship. He listens to everything she says over what I say and if she says he can't or shouldn't do something, he doesn't.

What has shocked me most about this is her saying 'no you cannot go over to hers either.' We are 26 and I feel like she's treating us both like children and he's allowing it to happen, perhaps because he didn't want to see me anyway. He has said I'm completely overreacting and its perfectly reasonable to be cautious over covid but I can't help feeling really angry and hurt over it all. The argument was pretty big and we've almost broken up - i don't know whether I should give up on the whole thing and end it properly.

So, I suppose I'm asking whether I'm overreacting or not? I know people have different views about how we should treat covid going forward, but this is more about his mum and him making the decision for me when I'm actually happy to take the risk. I just feel that its being used as an excuse.

all...he's been working hard on the access course for seven years. Keeps getting behind with the work each year and not finishing in time to meet the uni offer, so uni keeps getting put back to 'next September

He's never going to complete a degree. In fact I'd be surprised if he ever starts a degree. As for being a professor, that's just not going to happen, and you should think about the implications of being linked to someone is set on doing something he is obviously never going to do. It won't make for a happy life for either of you.

so he doesn't have the emotional energy to do the course, and spend a lot of time with me

Putting everything else aside ( and its a lot to put aside) he says he is absolutely committed to this course. It takes so much out of him that he repeatedly fails it and has to repeat it again to move to the next stage. He's been doing this for 7 years.
So he has summarised that he views you as taking time away from his all important course and using up his mental energy.

What do you get out of this. Do you really think that you can break his pattern of 7 years. Don't you deserve to share someone's life and not be treated as an annoying attention seeker.

His problems won't go away. They will still be with him, even with counselling. But that doesn't mean that you still have to be there putting up with coming third place after his mum and his course. He's not emotionally equipped for a real relationship atm.

Every time you post an update he gets worse.

Please listen to him - he can't balance you and studying so will never want to or be able to move out, have a family etc If he can't cope with the Access course (7 years!!) he'll never be able to do a PHD. I'd be surprised if he ever enrolls at uni. The longer you stay with him, the more he'll use you as the excuse that he's not where he wants to be.

Find an adult man

If he is living at home, not employed and has spent 7 years fulltime on an access course (and struggles to keep up with the work) he has zero chance of making it through the rest of the very demanding qualifications he will need to be an academic of any kind. Few people get to be one and those that do are in my experience both gifted and hardworking. They have to be.

IMO he is hiding behind his "dream" of history professorship so he doesn't have to engage with the real world, in the same way he is hiding behind his mother/therapist/whoever so he doesn't have to properly engage with you.

Sorry OP, you do deserve better.

he's been working hard on the access course for seven years

I missed this. 7 years?! This is the equivalent of A levels, isn’t it?!

"My DP has said we can't [move in together and be an actual couple] because he's studying an access to higher education course full time and needs to live at home so that he doesn't have to work, then he'll be at uni for three years."
He's 26, been doing this one-year Access to HE course for seven years, so started at 18/19 - straight out of school where he presumably didn't get the A levels he needed (or he wouldn't be doing an Access course). He doesn't work, I'm thinking I'm safe to assume he's never worked.

"he has depression and anxiety apparently so he doesn't have the emotional energy to do the course and spend a lot of time with me"
And what a perfect ready-made excuse for never completing the Access course or getting a job. He just stays at home in his childhood bedroom with you for his weekly booty call.

"So I'm thinking that the only reason we don't live together is practicality, ..."
Nope, you are thinking wrong. You don't live together because he doesn't want to. Because living together as part of a couple would mean behaving like a grown up and taking on responsibilities, and he'd much rather stay the eternal child.

"... and it would make sense that we would both want to spend as much time together as possible. However he said he needs a lot of space and time to himself, so we don't do this and there usually is a week between seeing each other."
He doesn't want to spend more time with you than he already does. You're his weekly appointment.

"I do worry that he won't ever even finish the access course and go to uni at all...he's been working hard on the access course for seven years. Keeps getting behind with the work each year and not finishing in time to meet the uni offer, so uni keeps getting put back to 'next September'."
Of course he won't finish the course. Frankly I'm surprised the college has allowed him to restart it six times. I know it's been a while since I did mine, but there was a lot of competition for spaces on those courses and seven bites at the cherry is frankly taking the piss. He's denied six people their chance to learn. Actually - are you sure he's at college? Not just hauling out the notes he took in that first year, time after time?

"He says that History (what he's studying) and being a history professor is the only thing he wants to do in life and the only thing that he's passionate about."
It's never going to happen. If he can't finish an Access course - after seven attempts - there is no way he's going to manage a Bachelors, a Masters and a PhD. It's a pipe-dream. Actually, it's not even that. It's a story he spins to justify staying firmly stuck in the mud. To stay in his childhood bedroom - actually to stay in his childhood.

So the thing I have to ask, @PinkStarAtNight, is - why? Why are you treading water with this shadow of a relationship? There is nothing in it for you. Do you have some wild romantic notion that all he needs is a good woman / to wake up / to be 'saved' by you? Because I'll tell you this for nothing, that boy is going nowhere. And neither are you, for as long as you hold on to the absolutely forlorn idea that he is a DP. He's not, he is at best an indifferent boyfriend, a weekend shag. Give yourself a reality check, and move on. Sorry to be so harsh, but you are 26 and the world should be your oyster. You deserve so much more than this half-life.

He’s 26, has been doing an access course to uni for 7 years, his mothers forbids him doing things, and he has no intention of changing a thing.

You are flogging a dead horse.

You are quite literally wasting your life.

You’re wasting your time @PinkStarAtNight

You’ll look back in a few years time and deeply regret hanging on to this relationship for so long

OP, if he was truly passionate about being a professor it wouldn't have taken him 7 years to date.

You are 26, you have been together for 4 years and he doesn't want a full on relationship with you. That would be fine if you were happy with that, but you aren't.

You need a relationship with an equal, not somebody who is scared to grow up and enter the real world of work and relationships. It will be a minimum of 4 years before he wants to move out, assuming that he does actually start Uni properly and assuming that he can cope with it and actually do the work each year on time. Then it will be more excuses about finding a job and earning enough money etc etc.

I doubt very much that he will change at this point.

For your own sanity, you need to end this and move on with your life, and hopefully meet somebody with similar life goals that you are more compatible with, that actually wants to spend time with you.

I know somebody who was in a similar situation, dating somebody in their late 20's who lived at home. She owned her own house that he wouldn't move into - after 13 years she decided she had had enough and she ended the relationship. Don't be her.

I suppose I'm staying in the relationship because he does have a lot of good - he's intelligent, he's funny, we agree on a lot of big things about life, we laugh together a lot, he supports me a lot with my own anxiety (I wish he would allow me to support him more with his, but he prefers to keep things to himself). He's kind. I mostly feel happier when I'm with him - when we're not arguing over all the issues mentioned!

And breaking up with someone is a big thing and difficult, and I don't know how my life would be if I was single again, and I don't know how I'd meet anyone else. I work from home permanently so there's no option of ever meeting someone through work, I only three friends from uni who all live in different places so we all meet up every few months for a weekend, apart from that I don't really have any friends or see anyone socially, apart from another couple that DP and I have started meeting up with occasionally (I met the girl through my parents years ago and then we both got boyfriend's and she suggested meeting up). I don't know whether that friendship would last if me and DP broke up because I assume they're wanting couple friends not single friends. So no idea where I'd meet anyone else, and I've put a lot of weight on in the last couple of years so I've lost my confidence a bit and not sure I'd attract anyone. I'm not that good socially, when I'm talking to new people I'm very shy and anti social. My DP is actually one of the few people who seems to 'get' me. All though uni I only made those three friends and didn't seem to attract the attention of any guys, presumably because when I'm nervous in social situations I come across as a bit weird!

DP and I got together through him messaging me randomly one day in my first year of uni and talking. We knew each other years before because he dated an old girlfriend of mine and when we met we got on well. The girlfriend and I fell out in a big way, and they broke up shortly after. Four years later he messaged me and we talked with the same ease as we did years ago and it was easy and fun and I never felt awkward with him like I did with others.

I don't know...I suppose I'm just thinking, is there really anyone better out there for me? And if there is, how do I bloody meet them???

Just finish it. He wants to, but he's too much of a wuss to do it himself. All these reasons why you can't be together! The real reason is that he doesn't want to. Cut your losses OP.

Your boyfriend and his mum are being very sensible. Looking after everyone’s interests. You need to respect their feeling

I can't tell you how you meet them but I can tell you you definitely don't meet them by being in a relationship with mummys likkle soldier

Oh, and he absolutely positively does not want to live with you. He's telling you in so many ways. He could only make it clearer if he hired a skywriter and had them do 'i don't want to live with you' over your house.

It’s better to be single than in half a relationship.

Stop thinking that you need to be with a man to be happy. Live your own life, find out all the things about you that are unique and fun and yours alone. He's throwing you scraps and you're lapping them up.

This is a dead end relationship going nowhere. Without meaning to sound cruel, if it's taking 7+ years to finish an access course, he's not of the academic calibre to become a professor. Professors are elite educators and thinkers.
You are settling for crumbs. Your esteem is on the floor.
Stop existing on the tiny drips of affection and validation you get from this man.
Work on yourself. Get out of the house. Make new connections, hobbies, voluntary work, anything!

The ' he needs a weeks break in between seeing you ' is him sadly keeping you at arms length OP. And the sheer desperation from you wanting to see him even though he has covid is a very unattractive trait.

Gain some self respect & move on with your life. He is giving you crumbs.

Most of your limitations sound fixable. You can lose weight and meet new people doing so, you are unlikely to be in that job forever you can get new hobbies

I've just read your last post OP.

No idea what to say as it's quite sad that you've just completely shut off the idea of you meeting anyone else or progressing with your life without him. Being so dependent on a partner for your own happiness is such a sad trait.
I don't know why you bother posting because you've no intention of having a life without the crumbs you get from your current DP. What exactly do you want us to say?!

Sadly you will only realise all of this when it's too late & you realise that you've wasted far too many years on someone who just wasn't that into you.

he's intelligent

So how come it has taken him seven years to still not pass an access course that is supposed to take only one?

Stop wasting your life.

What would you do, if you weren't afraid?

You certainly are not going to meet anyone else while you're hanging on for the crumbs from this loser.