I have just had a big argument with my DP over the level of influence his DM has over him, and therefore over our relationship - mainly when we can see each other. The argument was also caused by me feeling that he doesn't care about spending time with me as much as I care about spending time with him and he also wants more space in the relationship than I do so for a while now I've been feeling hurt over this and I think this has contributed to the argument that has blown up.
We've been together 4 years, but don't live together yet. He lives at home with parents and brother. We alternate between him coming to stay at mine and me going to stay at his parents house. I get on well with his family most of the time and I'm included in Christmas, birthdays, Easter etc etc...
The plan was for me to go to his this weekend. We haven't seen each other for a week - he likes to have about a week between seeing each other because he needs 'personal space' whereas I would prefer to have more of an arrangement of him being at mine for the week and then me spending the weekend at his and then back to mine, sort of on a rolling basis with maybe a couple of days apart here and there. Everyone else I know who are the same age as us and been together 4 years have moved in together or are in the process of doing it. My DP has said we can't do this because he's studying an access to higher education course full time and needs to live at home so that he doesn't have to work, then he'll be at uni for three years. So I'm thinking that the only reason we don't live together is practicality, and it would make sense that we would both want to spend as much time together as possible. However he said he needs a lot of space and time to himself, so we don't do this and there usually is a week between seeing each other.
Anyway, earlier this week DPs brother tested positive for Covid. He is staying home from work and isolating. DP said to me a few days ago 'if DB is still positive at the end of this week you might not want to come over, its up to you.' I said it would probably be ok because its not like I'll be in close contact with him, I've had vaccinations and I'm very much of the opinion that we need to start getting back to normal now. Theres no longer any legal requirement to isolate if you have covid and the government have said they're basically treating it like flu now, and I think with most people being vaccinated unless you're vulnerable there's no need to get too worried about it - we can't keep testing and isolating forever.
DPs family have always been more anxious about Covid so I'm sure if I was positive they wouldn't want me there. But since in this situation its DPs brother who is positive and they've all been exposed to it anyway, I thought it made sense that it would be up to me to make my own decision about whether to take the risk and go visit him anyway.
Apparently not...yesterday DP said his DB was still positive and I probably shouldn't go. I said I would risk it because I really want to see him and I'm vaccinated, etc etc...he then said 'I don't think you should risk it' and was sort of trying to convince me not to, but as he had said a few days ago that it was my choice I was sticking to it. So he eventually said 'well my mum is freaking out about it' and sent me screenshots of messages between him and her on Facebook, where he had asked if I could go over at the weekend. She had replied 'noooo absolutely no way at all, your DB is still testing positive and even if he wasn't we would all have to isolate and wait to see if we have been infected, it would be stupid for PinkStar to come over and no you cannot go over to hers either!'
He had simply replied with 'ok.' and then preceeded to try and convince me to not risk it and come to the decision myself, probably hoping he wouldn't have to tell me that his mum had actually forbidden it so it wasn't actually my choice.
He is now saying that he agrees with his mum, even about him not coming to see me. I keep saying that surely that should be my choice and my risk to take and they are making the choice for me. I also said that it felt that he was using it as an excuse not to see me and that I have a real problem with how much influence his mum has over him and as a result of that our relationship. He listens to everything she says over what I say and if she says he can't or shouldn't do something, he doesn't.
What has shocked me most about this is her saying 'no you cannot go over to hers either.' We are 26 and I feel like she's treating us both like children and he's allowing it to happen, perhaps because he didn't want to see me anyway. He has said I'm completely overreacting and its perfectly reasonable to be cautious over covid but I can't help feeling really angry and hurt over it all. The argument was pretty big and we've almost broken up - i don't know whether I should give up on the whole thing and end it properly.
So, I suppose I'm asking whether I'm overreacting or not? I know people have different views about how we should treat covid going forward, but this is more about his mum and him making the decision for me when I'm actually happy to take the risk. I just feel that its being used as an excuse.