Did grief ruined my relationship?

[JohnRingo]

I've taken my SO for granted.
But not exactly in the way you think. Hello, my name is John (34 now) and in the 2015 started this amazing relationship with his amazing woman (32 now). We've built something that comes once in a lifetime, that it's incredible, to say the least. Everything was just super in every department, but in late 2020 everything changed.
My grandmother had an accident and developed dementia, while something happened with my dad, he became ill and suffered for close to an year and finally went into a coma and died this january. It was heartbreaking.
During this period, of course, we stopped going out, on holidays, etc. Not because I did not want to, but because I had no light at the end of the tunnel, I had no idea how the situation with dad was going. But this does not mean I was not there for my OH. I tried my best to do good for everyone.
We've had an argument near NYE and since then she became distant and we spoke finally and she told me that not going in holidays and not doing our usual stuff took a toll on her, that she needs time for herself and that we need a break and wants me out of the house for some time to clear her head.
It's hard to explain what I feel now. I am heartbroken, sad, angry, disappointed because, sadly, this was not the "script".

What can I do?
She does not want therapy, she wants space. I don't want space, space = relationship over for me.

Thank you for your kind answers.

You need to respect her decision and leave her alone. That's what you do.

Sadly I don’t think there is anything you can do. You’ve had an awful time and unfortunately I know all too well how dealing with stuff like that can make you want to withdraw from certain situations and activities.
I think she has shown that she is unable/unwilling to support you when you are going through tough times, and as such is probably not the partner for you. If she’s only in a relationship for the good times it’s not going to work.

You listen to her and you give her space. Not giving her the space she has asked for would suggest that you don't actually care about what she wants and it's all about what you want. Maybe take this time and get some therapy to help with your loss.

There’s been so much going on in the world that I think having even more sadness to deal with is tough. You’re both so young it should be a time of fun really. Sorry it’s gone like this

As others have said, yes, you need to redirect her wishes and move out. Therapy, though, is a good idea. You may well find it helpful to get back in track from your grieve and will help you deal with your relationship. Therapy dies not necessarily mean couples therapy.

Sorry for the typos. My mobile changes words!

@Lampan

Thank you. I just can't understand it. It's beyond comprehension.
We've been together 7 years now, 5 and a half close to perfection. Then this.

I just don't understand. Is it me? Is it her?
I've tried my best, I really did. I go everyweek where grandma is, at the care home, and every week I hear her say she will curse our family and other horrible things dementia makes you say. Then I've seen my dad dying with only his bones left, 32 kilograms, a shadow. And my poor mum, who lost them both, which I am trying to protect. And still I had time to cuddle, to love her, etc. I just not had the desire to go out for a drink or leave town for a holiday.
I know I have my share to blame, but could have I done?

This situation rocked the core of my foundation.

I don’t think you could have done anything. Obviously you didn’t want to leave town when family members needed you. Your partner could have gone away with friends or alone if she had been so desperate for a holiday. Maybe for other reasons she feels the relationship has run its course. But I don’t think you can change her mind and to a large extent, although it’s difficult, the reason doesn’t really matter as it doesn’t change anything.

You need therapy. Then you can pour your situation into a trained professional - a grief counsellor perhaps.

@Lampan
Actually, she left town many times with her friends. Twice per week went out with her friends during these times. I did not judge or got annoyed, actually was happy for her. I tried to keep the situation away from her. But she did not leave with me, and this is what she is telling me.
And it's hard for me to understand why didn't she understand I couldn't leave and let mum alone with all of that. My impression of us that we were really tight and spoke about everything.

@Everyone
Yep, therapy is in my plan. I just need to finish all the paperwork with the succession of my father.

@FreedomforWA

You listen to her and you give her space. Not giving her the space she has asked for would suggest that you don't actually care about what she wants and it's all about what you want. Maybe take this time and get some therapy to help with your loss.

Harsh.

He's grieving, it's really tough. People who haven't lost a parent simply don't get it.

She should be caring for him a this difficult time, not being worried that they're not going out enough.

I'm sorry OP both for your loss, and the lack of support from your partner. Use the space from her to spend time with friends who can be more supportive.

I am sorry for your loss op.

This is probably an issue about communication.
When you say you haven't gone out for a drink with your so for two years, did you still keep communicating with her and sharing your feelings with her? She obviously feels hurt and shut out in some way and wants to respond in kind. Are there any legitimate reasons why she should feel like that? Obviously it was right that you prioritised your family when they needed you, but are there any reasons why she might have felt previously that she came second to your family?

I can understand you not wanting to go for a wild night out while your father was seriously ill, but did you occasionally sit down with her, share a coffee, tell her what was happening? Or did you cut her off and keep your feelings to yourself? Or was it somewhere between the two?

If you were considerate of her feelings then I think Lampan is spot on and she is not the right person for you as she is a "fair weather" partner. This will be a painful realisation in the short term, but on the long term you will have "dodged a bullet" so to speak.

It might sound weird, but dad stayed a lot in ICU, for close to half a year. I think that was my griefing period, the timeframe when everything went to hell for us. Everything went wrong with him, something ate him from the inside (no idea what), no doctor manage to explain it right and when I've got the call, in an early morning, I felt relieved. Now I am getting used to the fact he is gone and of course, I am trying to keep and eye on mum.

It wouldn't be fair to say she was not there for me, she was, but at the same time something built up in her and finally exploded. Something I am struggling to understand.

We share the guilt, I've said some words, but I think you really understand things like this when you are losing a parent.

@Garimond

I am sorry for your loss op.

This is probably an issue about communication.
When you say you haven't gone out for a drink with your so for two years, did you still keep communicating with her and sharing your feelings with her? She obviously feels hurt and shut out in some way and wants to respond in kind. Are there any legitimate reasons why she should feel like that? Obviously it was right that you prioritised your family when they needed you, but are there any reasons why she might have felt previously that she came second to your family?

I can understand you not wanting to go for a wild night out while your father was seriously ill, but did you occasionally sit down with her, share a coffee, tell her what was happening? Or did you cut her off and keep your feelings to yourself? Or was it somewhere between the two?

If you were considerate of her feelings then I think Lampan is spot on and she is not the right person for you as she is a "fair weather" partner. This will be a painful realisation in the short term, but on the long term you will have "dodged a bullet" so to speak.

@Garimond

Thank you for your input.
No, I can say, without any regret, I did not put a barrier between us. I shared coffee with her, hugs, told her how I felt. We are a couple that kiss, hug, etc. Not the cringe type, but we are close.

Her relationship with my parents was exceptional, same with me and her folks, so I have no idea how she felt left out.
There are some moments that come to mind, that were really odd, maybe signs, that I've missed.

1. Grandma's dementia started almost in 4 hours, she went from normal to hell. I got a call from mum at 1. a.m., crying and saying grandma is telling they are not them, they want to kill her, etc. Imagine being me. I've burst into tears and spent the next 7 hours waiting for the ambulance to arrive and trying to find a care home to help us, because we had no idea. During this, well, my SO, woke up, heard and went back to sleep.
2. Dad was getting worse, really worse in October and we were going very often at the hospital (who was outside the city). And she came to me to ask, but not directly, to go to Italy, to lake Como, someone from her job had a baby shower there. Of course I've got upset and told her I can't believe she is asking me this now.

For the last two months we argue about this and the only things she is accusing me is that we did not went anywhere on holiday, that I got annoyed on the Como proposal and that she needs time "to find herself, but this does not change my feelings" and "she needs a break to be alone with herself".

And I don't think it's fair.

Well it's good you both take responsibility op and you can see fault on both sides. Maybe it is as simple as she not understanding the enormity of what it is to lose a parent?

It's hard to tell tbh as your answer is quite opaque and maybe that's the issue? Not that you are obliged to lay everything out on this thread here, but if you really are confused about what went wrong, you need to try and see it from her perspective and then decide if she is being reasonable or not in the current circumstances.

Or it could be that she got used to being on her own, having found the relationship too intense previously, and has decided that she likes the autonomy?

I'm afraid none of us can know for sure from the few paragraphs you have written but if your so needs space then you don't really have any option but to comply. Maybe in time you can meet up and discuss what when wrong with the objectivity of distance but for now you have to walk away.

Sorry op. I got interrupted before posting so please ignore the bit where I say your answer was a bit opaque as I hadn't read your latest update at that point.

It's so difficult to know for sure but from what you have said for sure it sounds like she had framed your relationship in her mind as a fun relationship that was still about holidays and going out and when all the serious events in your life started happening, she simply wasn't up for that level of commitment. I'm sorry, this is going to sound harsh, but that is her choice, disappointing though it must be to come to terms with.

@Garimond

I don't have anything besides this. This is how it went. My guess is everyone feels different, I don't expect her to feel the same pain I did, but I expected her to understand the situation with my family, based on what we've built together as a couple.

I was happy because somewhat things are back to normality and we can start to plan things, but then this bombshell came.

And about the autonomy, there isn't any. We are still living together, sleeping in the same bed. We spoke in late January and last night we had this argument after I felt I was living with a mute. Finally started talking and I've explained to her that If I am going, I am going and I am not coming back and she needs to accept this.
What I loved about us was the peace we built. The harmony of a household, but I am not a yo-yo.

At the moment I am trying to make plans. Move out, my entire life is in this apartment, which is her, but we've rebuilt it together.

I don't expect her to feel the same pain I did, but I expected her to understand the situation with my family, based on what we've built together as a couple

I think that's an entirely reasonable expectation op.

So if I have this right, she is asking for space with a view to possibly reuniting later?

And you are saying "no if I go, it's the end"?

@Garimond

Yes.
I am not built like that, I can't have a break, not with this situation.
I feel disappointed and I will never accept to be in pending in this. I can't reunite later because I will not ever forget that when I was at my worst, this happened.

But sure, on the side, I can't imagine my life without her. I will go on, sure, but it will be very hard to swallow.

And what I want to point out about my first post, about "taken for granted".

The point she is making is that I took for granted that she accepted the situation, that we could not have fun as we used. We failed to communicate this, which, IMHO, is not right because I've told her multiple times, I can't go like with used when there is a similar day with dad and we have no silver linning.

Well it sounds really difficult op, it must seem unfair too, but you feel how you feel, and have to accept the consequences of that. I am sorry it is so painful

It sounds really difficult OP.
My mum died last year and it's not an easy thing to 'get over'. My dad died a long time ago.
I'm single but feel out of my friends the only ones who totally understand are the ones who have lost a parent (or both parents). At time I feel under pressure to go out and have a good time, but I feel the 'forced fun' is too much.
Have you got other support apart from your GF? And somewhere to live if you leave her place?

@writergirl747474

I do have friends, all of them can offer support, they were fantastic when dad died. Will forever be in their debt.

Somewhere to live it's a bit complicated. I have to places, better said three. Two of them need heavy renovations, the other one is to go back home and live with mum, but it's out of the question.

I am looking for accommodations for rent, however, I am trying to be wise because I am paying also where grandma is staying, the care home and those places are really expensive.

And also, if it wasn't enough until late April work will be crazy, will have to work a lot over time and need to keep my mind focused.

*two places, sorry, autocorrect.

You both sound like good people OP, and it's sad that this is happening.
To cut to the chase, if you're willing to get therapy then go ahead and get it ASAP. Because you can't change her, you can only change you, and if you can find a loosening up in this rule of yours - if I go it's over - or whatever it is, and give her the space without it having to mean the end, then you guys have got a chance.
Good luck.