Did grief ruined my relationship?

[JohnRingo]

I've taken my SO for granted.
But not exactly in the way you think. Hello, my name is John (34 now) and in the 2015 started this amazing relationship with his amazing woman (32 now). We've built something that comes once in a lifetime, that it's incredible, to say the least. Everything was just super in every department, but in late 2020 everything changed.
My grandmother had an accident and developed dementia, while something happened with my dad, he became ill and suffered for close to an year and finally went into a coma and died this january. It was heartbreaking.
During this period, of course, we stopped going out, on holidays, etc. Not because I did not want to, but because I had no light at the end of the tunnel, I had no idea how the situation with dad was going. But this does not mean I was not there for my OH. I tried my best to do good for everyone.
We've had an argument near NYE and since then she became distant and we spoke finally and she told me that not going in holidays and not doing our usual stuff took a toll on her, that she needs time for herself and that we need a break and wants me out of the house for some time to clear her head.
It's hard to explain what I feel now. I am heartbroken, sad, angry, disappointed because, sadly, this was not the "script".

What can I do?
She does not want therapy, she wants space. I don't want space, space = relationship over for me.

Thank you for your kind answers.

I'm still puzzled at how often other posters seem to think they could have been going out when it hasn't been an option due to covid restrictions & lockdowns.

Op did you consult your girlfriend before having your mum to stay for a month? Did she know it would be for a month at the start?

That would take a toll on many relationships.

@PollyPutTheKettleOnKettleOn

I'm still puzzled at how often other posters seem to think they could have been going out when it hasn't been an option due to covid restrictions & lockdowns.

Op did you consult your girlfriend before having your mum to stay for a month? Did she know it would be for a month at the start?

That would take a toll on many relationships.

It depends what you mean by “ going out “. If you mean clubbing then I agree.

But if you mean going out for a coffee ( as the Op mentions he has not been willing to do ), going for a hill walk, day trip, to the beach or countryside, to the pub or out for a meal - then all of these things have been allowed for a large part of the last two years.

A couple who live together have ALWAYS been allowed to go out for a walk or to take a coffee with them . Even in the strictest lockdown.

M0RVEN

Imagine this. You are with someone for a fairly long length of time. Everything is fantastic. Then someone you love becomes ill. You talk about the situation and you both agree that this is the solution and you do it together.
Then when that situation ends, you are berated for doing the things you've agreed on because you did not do more.

Do you find it normal? Wouldn't you try to understand the core of it?

For me, leaving this place means the end of us, and I am fighting to avoid that. Because if I leave, I feel that I wasn't enough for her to keep me there and those things are more important. I think it's simple, the way I see it.

She said I am my usual self. I didn't want tragedy, but I think I've done my best giving the situation.

I just want, because of how we've been, a bit of honesty and a clear message.

@PollyPutTheKettleOnKettleOn

Yes, we've talked about it. Two times. She is saying we should have talked more. (Like a weekend status you did at work).
Something which I didn't because I had the impression it was ok based on our relationship. For example, her parents visit us often and they stay for weekends. I've never had a problem with this.
Mum loves her and she loves mum.
Also mum is really like a ghost. She is a heavy reader, so she spent most of her time sitting and reading. She told me that if it was the case, her parents would have done the same, which again, I can't understand.

Also, the main reason we took mum in was that grandma is her mother. On her part of the family, there is a known history of dementia which was triggered after a shock

Here is a small timeline of the situation.
Timeline:

• August - January - we went for two coffees. Our only going out was going for groceries and walks, every two weeks or so around the neighbourhood.
• last Holiday, January 2020
• October (2020) - grandma's attack and dementia starts
• December 2020 - August 2021 - Dad hospitalized for at least 10-12 times - including on mum's birthday, without a clear explanation why.
• August 2021 - January 2021 - Dad in ICU until his death, three trips per week at hospital to bring food, pampers, medicine required by doctors & trying to find solutions to somewhat save him.

The days after I've buried him I've told my SO that she needs to plan something and go together because I need to go back together at our routine.

Also.

I think my grief were those months with him in ICU. I knew deep inside he will die, that everything we did was not working.
The moment I've buried him, a heavy paint was lifted, I think it's hard to describe, but I felt peace.

Sure, I miss him, but I am trying to go further in life, was back on my day-to-day things. Then this came.

@JohnRingo

Obviously this is a terribly stressful and sad time for you and you must be experiencing a lot of strong and behaviour emotions as you face a relationship break up on top of grief.

It's a lot of loss to manage and I can understand why you feel blindsided by your girlfriend's decision.

All the same, there is only one thing to do and that is to move out.

It is very unhealthy for you both to try to hash this out while you are in the throes of conflict.

Can you stay with a friend while you look for a place?

Whatever your opinion or feelings about the break up, you do need to accept that it is happening and that it's time to move out.

Trying to persuade your girlfriend that she is wrong or mistaken is not going to help either of you and may destroy any chance of reconciliation or a future friendship.

Pack a few things and go, find an apartment and focus on looking after yourself.

Whatever the causes of your relationship breakdown, you do need to accept it's over.

@JohnRingo

Yep, I know, but I still receive mixed signals.
Every time I bring up that I am searching for a place, her face turns white and she is trying to not cry.
What I feel now is that she wants me to go but also wants me to stay, which is awkward.

[quote JohnRingo]@JohnRingo

Yep, I know, but I still receive mixed signals.
Every time I bring up that I am searching for a place, her face turns white and she is trying to not cry.
What I feel now is that she wants me to go but also wants me to stay, which is awkward.[/quote]
That isn't a mixed message, she can want you to go and still feel sad about it.
I think you need to listen rather than assume you know better what she's thinking.

If it was me and you were not listening it would drive me crazy and I would rapidly lose respect for you.

Don't be that guy who refuses to move out, it makes everything so much worse.

I don't want to be the guy who refuses to move out, but I also need to understand she ... understands what moving out means.

We talked this morning and I told her someone called me today for an apartment today, to go and visit. Her response: "I don't know what to say. Your decision, you do what you think".
*She said it sad, not uninterested or arrogant.

What is up with that?!?!

It means you're not on the same page.

Sounds to me like she thought the relationship could still be worked on but given that you feel you need to leave, she's accepting that it's over.

@PollyPutTheKettleOnKettleOn

But I don't feel.
My exact words were: "Listen, someone called me earlier for an apartment, I don't want to see it, but I will if you really want that".

And her reply was the one from above.

@JohnRingo

I don't want to be the guy who refuses to move out, but I also need to understand she ... understands what moving out means.

We talked this morning and I told her someone called me today for an apartment today, to go and visit. Her response: "I don't know what to say. Your decision, you do what you think".
*She said it sad, not uninterested or arrogant.

What is up with that?!?!

Does your ex have learning difficulties ? Why would she not understand what moving out means ?

You ARE being the guy who refuses to move out.

Because you don’t think her reasons for splitting up are valid.

Because you disagree with her feelings about the last two years.

Because you don’t think she is being fair.

Because you think the colour of or the look on her face are “ giving mixed messages”.

And now because you don’t think she understand what moving out means.

How many more reasons are you going to come up with for not moving out her apartment like she has asked you to do?

@M0RVEN

I don't refuse to move out, as I've said, I have a shortlist of apartments, I made some calls. I ASKED her to give me a final answer if this is what she wants.

And again, please read this: I said to her MULTIPLE times that if I go, it means the end. And she replied she DOES NOT think it is the end for us.

This is my entire issue.
This is why I am baffled.

What's baffling? You are two different people with different thoughts, opinions, and attitudes? You need to make your own decision - she can't give you permission if that's what you're expecting.
And either of you can be wrong or right - there's no guarantee that you moving out is or isn't the end!

For me it is.

It sounds an awful year for you and I’m sure that will also have affected her. However, You need someone to stand by you in life - she may not be that person. Give her space and give yourself time to to process the awful ordeal you’ve been through. It must seem incredibly painful for you to now face losing her

@JohnRingo

For me it is.

Baffling? WHAT is baffling? No wonder you 2 have communication difficulties - you seem to have missed the question.

@heldinadream

For me, it is the end if I move out.
Explained why a few post back.

If we reached this point and the first problem instead of trying to work out, a break it's the only way, then yeah, it's the end for me.

I don't want to leave and then hear: you left, instead of staying.

Yes I am fully aware that you are determined that it's the end.

But it doesn't have to be. Still don't know what's baffling you though.

Because I feel she is not taking it seriously.
Something like: "You surely don't mean that. I know better"

I suppose if you spend a little time on Mumsnet you will see many many instances of people who want a little space. Who need time to think. Who ask for a break, someone to move out for a while. So you don’t have to understand it, but can you understand that it’s something other people can want /need, and for other people it doesn’t mean the end of the relationship? So for her it may well sound like you are being nunreasonable, completely black and white and she doesn’t understand at all. It may even sound like a threat rather than you trying to say how you feel. It isn’t clear what further discussions you have had - have you tried to consider a short break? Given either of you are perfectly capable of going away for the weekend wihtout the other, it’s not like you’d wake up that first morning and say oh X isn’t with me, I will never be able to see her or be with her again now. Is there some middle ground between going away alone for fun and the relationship is over, that looks like going away for a short while primarily for mental space but you could find other reasons too?

She wants some space.

You say for you that means moving out and the end of the relationship.

Somewhere in between space & it being over is a compromise. If neither of you want it to be over then I suggest you try and find that compromise, it might mean more listening than talking.

But ultimately, you're both entitled to end things if you think you can't move past this. Good luck.

It's me on this, I know, but there are some values and things I am built on. I have my flaws, as the next one, who doesn't? But I can't accept we can go from happiness to break, without actually speaking and trying to fix things.

Some people work with breaks, I know I can't because I will always remember this moment and what triggered the "break" and will ask what if this will happen again at some point?
It's hard to find a compromise, the way I see it, because seems to me that I am doing it, if I accept this is a break and not the end.

Life is so odd, maan

It's hard to find a compromise, the way I see it, because seems to me that I am doing it
What's wrong with you compromising?
Do you know if she feels she's been compromising already?

At different times in a relationship one or other partner will yield ground towards the other.

It's nothing wrong, but there is no common ground.
I don't see it.