Did grief ruined my relationship?

[JohnRingo]

I've taken my SO for granted.
But not exactly in the way you think. Hello, my name is John (34 now) and in the 2015 started this amazing relationship with his amazing woman (32 now). We've built something that comes once in a lifetime, that it's incredible, to say the least. Everything was just super in every department, but in late 2020 everything changed.
My grandmother had an accident and developed dementia, while something happened with my dad, he became ill and suffered for close to an year and finally went into a coma and died this january. It was heartbreaking.
During this period, of course, we stopped going out, on holidays, etc. Not because I did not want to, but because I had no light at the end of the tunnel, I had no idea how the situation with dad was going. But this does not mean I was not there for my OH. I tried my best to do good for everyone.
We've had an argument near NYE and since then she became distant and we spoke finally and she told me that not going in holidays and not doing our usual stuff took a toll on her, that she needs time for herself and that we need a break and wants me out of the house for some time to clear her head.
It's hard to explain what I feel now. I am heartbroken, sad, angry, disappointed because, sadly, this was not the "script".

What can I do?
She does not want therapy, she wants space. I don't want space, space = relationship over for me.

Thank you for your kind answers.

@heldinadream

But I can't, I really can't. I tried my everything
I can accept a break when is something else involved, but not in this.

Because at some point I will lose mum will end like dad, or if we have kids, some might get ill. And then what? Go all over again?

It's hard to explain what I feel. It's disappointment, to say at least.

You CAN change this. That's the whole point of therapy. And you changing will help her to change - the next death will be different. And there'll be deaths for her, too, which will give her insight into this.
Disclosure - I'm a retired psychotherapist.
You have a 'rule' that's preventing this situation from healing. It's not your fault - it's not her fault - but you CAN change. It's the only thing you can do that will make a difference. Go get a therapist. Do it now!

I appreciate that your situation was incredibly difficult, but 2 years is an incredibly long time to not go out at all anywhere from your partner's POV.

@heldinadream

I get your point, but why should I do that? Since January when dad died, I wanted to go out, to do stuff with her, travel, etc, to heal. She didn't.
It's reversed now and it is not fair, from my point of view, because I didn't do it on purpose.

I don't think it's fair I should do this while she "needs time for herself".
Again, I get what you are saying and agree, therapy is coming for me, but I don't agree it's fair.
The whole situation.

You've gone through a seriously tough and upsetting time but did you really not do anything social with your girlfriend for the last 18 months? If your relationship has only had serious moments and nothing fun/lighthearted then I can see why your girlfriend has struggled.

It feels as of your partner has disconnected from you and she has checked out.

It's odd she is complaining of lack of holidays given Covid for 2 years. Hardly anyone went away and certainly not those who had vulnerable family to worry about.

What is the housing situation? Do you jointly own? I think the trial separation is unfair if she gets to stay in the house whilst you incur additional finances and upheaval. Especially since you have family to care for...why can't she move out?

It hurts to have a break up BUT everyone eventually does recover. Perhaps you will meet someone else who is able to support you through tough times.

The incident with your grandmother seems to have caused you trauma so might be worth talking to someone to process the feelings.

[quote JohnRingo]@heldinadream

I get your point, but why should I do that? Since January when dad died, I wanted to go out, to do stuff with her, travel, etc, to heal. She didn't.
It's reversed now and it is not fair, from my point of view, because I didn't do it on purpose.

I don't think it's fair I should do this while she "needs time for herself".
Again, I get what you are saying and agree, therapy is coming for me, but I don't agree it's fair.
The whole situation.[/quote]
It’s not about what is fair and people doing things on purpose.

We all deal with grief and loss in different ways . You were not wrong to feel that you didn’t want to go out for two years but she was also not wrong to feel that she wanted to go out with you.

And now you both want different things in life and that’s ok too. Please let her go graciously and use your time and energy to work on yourself, get some counselling , take up some new hobbies or sports, develop your career.

You are young and have your whole life ahead of you , that’s a wonderful gift.

Life ain't fair.

That's something we all have to come to terms with. the point is you sound like you want to save the relationship. So I return to my point - the only thing you have any power over is - YOU!
That's it really. Take it or leave it.
In therapy you can get your desire for things to be 'fair' out of your system.

She sounds like a fair weather partner. As soon as things became difficult for you and you needed some support, she kicks you out?

Shit happens in life. It's not all meals out and holidays and anyone who is not prepared to take the rough with the smooth is not worth having

@user1471457751

Until last summer, we occasionally did things, but when dad went really bad, nothing else but walks to grab some coffee. I just couldn't. Today he was ok, tomorrow he needed oxygen, the next day he had bacteria. I recall getting a call in late November from the hospital to rush there to buy and bring him a medicine they didn't have. It was impossible to make plans. It was surreal.

@Fireflygal
It's her place, but we renovated it together.
Also, the going out thing, it's her dad, I reckon. They have this, while her mum rarely leaves the house, her dad can't stay, needs to do something every day. They love each other, faithfully, etc, lovely people, but I noticed this about him, he mentioned it even a few times.
So he gets that from him I reckon.

No one here knows you or your OH but she seems to have been a ''light hearted girl'' and wanted to go out etc. when you were grieving but now you have recovered and can enjoy life she now does not wish to though you now can and want to ? She ''needs time to herself'' - so it seems she wants out of the relationship but it may not be because of the time you spent grieving. Why do you have to pay for the care home - are you not in UK?

@tara66

No, not UK. It's a private care home. Grandma's pension does not cover even 25% of it, while mum, well, she is alone now and don't want her to spend money on that.

She sounds horrible and selfish, do yourself a favour and leave her and find someone decent.

Usually, the truth is somewhere in the middle. She could of been more understanding, but also, it sounds like you have let the situations you were in, to all consume you for a long period of time. You are relatively young, so probably new to illness and grief. With age comes pragmatism, and a realisation that when dealing with chronic illness situations, it's OK to take time out to relax, get away for a period, as the situation will likely carry on and still be there when you get back. Best not to put your life on hold, yes it's a balancing act, and of course you won't feel as fun, but actually time out can make you deal with stuff more effectively afterwards.
Anyway, I hate to say it, but while you were staying in and she was going out still regularly without you, are you sure she didn't meet someone else? I feel she may be using the past as an excuse, after all, she has stuck around up to the time where you are up for going out, so it's a bit odd to chose now to have issue with it, unless she's totally turned off by you, and that could be because she's interested in someone else, otherwise she'd be glad things could get back to normal.

@Opentooffers

100% there is no other person involved or something on the side.
Besides our situation, she is not happy at work and with her personal projects that did not develop as she wanted. She is frustrated in her line of work she did not win lately any prizes (advertising) and said she wants time for her needs.
And I did not understand that, I've never stopped her from following her dreams had all my support in everything she did.

Something I regret saying to her is that she is not emphatic. Told her before dad died and she keeps on throwing that word into my face. Yep, was not fair, but I was really annoyed.

Your partner doesn't sound massively supportive to me. She left you when the going got tough, so to her it wasn't the once in a lifetime relationship that it was to you sadly.

I'm sorry for your losses, concentrate on yourself and your grieving/healing process.

I think what you're missing is the the universe does not revolve around your grief. In due course all of us, every single one of us alive, loses people we love dearly. I've lost both parents (one a sudden stroke, the other to Parkinson's with dementia) and a brother (heroin overdose.) My husband has lost both parents (one to breast cancer, the other to Alzheimer's) and a sister (esophageal cancer.) Another sister has a severe form of leukemia and probably doesn't have long. That is life; we love and we lose. Everyone of us.

And life goes on. We grieve and we move on. We think sadly and fondly about those we've lost and we move on. You didn't do that. It's obvious from your OP that you still haven't done that, so I'd suggest grief counseling.

As for your girlfriend, your unwillingness to move on has revealed a side of you she doesn't like. Something terrible happened so you withdrew, from life and from her. She has seen that you aren't resilient and that you feel your emotions should take precedence over everything else, including your relationship. She's not willing to put up with that, and that does not make her a bad person. She's protecting herself, and she has every right.

Get counseling. Your grief is not normal. Not being able to continue life after experiencing loss in not normal. Work on yourself.

And yet life goes on. I know this sounds harsh, but you need

@LifeExperience

I've mentioned above a few times that my dad's situation changed from day to day. I had zero chance to plan anything. Once they called me to bring medicine, other times to go and sing a paper or bring pampers.

Also, I've mentioned as dad died, the moment I finished the burial, I've felt like a huge weight was lifted and looked forward on going back to my usual life with her.

@Everyone
Had a long chat with her, just finished. She basically wants me out, but wants me to stay, I've asked her to end it a few times and she said no, she wants this break and we can be again together.
Doubled checked the reasons and again, not doing things and me taking for granted that not doing things in that time was ok with her.
I've explained it many times there are other ways to solve this, but she wants only that, but again, not sure. I've told her I've searched for apartments today, her face became pale.

I feel like I am hitting a wall.

I don't mean this unkindly, but you seriously compartmentalised your relationship with her. So you basically didn't want to go out for a couple of years, your dad's gone () and now you want to go out and you feel it's unfair she doesn't.

She isn't an appliance which you can leave on the shelf until you need her again even if you didn't mean it like this.

But I didn't @CheshireChat.
That is what I am saying. My attitude towards her did not change, I just put a pause on going out. Something we spoke a few times. I didn't make the decision and not talked to her about it.
I think it's harsh to say I've compartmentalized it, but when you build something that looks so strong, in my book, you expect when things are not going your way, to pull together.

In our discussion these days I've said it a few times that If I was in her shoes, I would have acted differently, but she refuses to accept that. She thinks she knows how would I have acted. Which I don't understand.

Your grief is not normal. Not being able to continue life after experiencing loss in not normal. Work on yourself.

What a load of utter bollocks.
Who are you to stand in judgement on someone's grief??

Op, you've gone through some hugely massive changes that many adults don't have to deal with until they're older.

Like other pp I think there could be more to this than we readers are aware of, but I stand with @TabithaHazel and feel your partner has let you down.

Tbh with all you're having to deal with at the moment, I think you'll struggle to find the energy to deal with your relationship too. I do think its worth while finding out more about why your gf feels neglected and if it really is all about holidays. But I also think that had the genders been reversed people would be saying that it sounds like the partner has checked out and have they had their head turned?

You do need support for your grief, and I think counselling and support from your gp are both good ideas but there's no right or wrong way to grieve and you have been dealing with a hell of a lot.

Perhaps your gf has just become overwhelmed, perhaps she's just reevaluating her life if she's also had issues with work. You may or may not come through this together but you can both only do your best.

Respect each others needs and if you can't meet them as a couple then you might need to let each other go, but don't forget to look after yourself as well.

Also reminding other posters that most of the world has been without holidays or going out etc for two years because of a little thing called Covid 19.

I can't imagine how much harder it will have been to go through what the op has with his dad and grandma while dealing with covid restrictions.

@PollyPutTheKettleOnKettleOn

Was close to impossible, to answer your questions. We were allowed to see dad only once per week, only one person and most times I've let mum go, because it was her wife, of course. Being in ICU, that lost his talking ability (he had a tracheostomy) and later he was peg fed. Basically he was sitting in a bed for 6 months, looking in the room at the walls (no tv, no books). There are big chances he might have lost his mind, who would?

Going back to us, there are no other things.
We are speaking for a few days now about it and I am trying to find if there is something else. She denies it.
I've said, listen, I've acted this way because based on what we've built together, "I've taken for granted" that there is no need to talk to you weekly about this, but you acting this way makes me feel I've lived a parallel relationship. She berated me a few times for saying that.
Every talk we have there are the same things:

1. We stopped going out and on holidays
2. That we did not communicate often about the situation, meaning that I did not check on her very often that she is ok for not going out.
3. Near the end of that, based on our family relationship, which again, as I've mentioned. Is beyond incredible, our folks love us, we took my mum In for close to a month. My mum who is like a ghost, you don't feel her around. The reason was because I've had to go take mum, prepare food together for dad (special indicated food) and then go outside the city at the hospital, while I still have to work my day to day job. We discussed this before and we agreed on it. And again, I would ask mum to join if we didn't know our relationship was like that.

She refuses to accept that the situation was like that.

Since last night I am sleeping on the couch. Every time I bring up the subject that I am looking for a place to stay, her face turns white. I am asking her if she realises what it means for me to go, besides my opinion. That I need to sign a contract for at least 6 months, or even 1 year, it depends on the accommodation. While also taking my stuff.

I feel she does not. I am baffled.

So you are having long talks with your girlfriend where she tells you what she thinks and feels about what has happened over the last two years.

And you tell that’s not right, that’s not what happened and even if it did, you had a good reason for acting like you did and she should not feel the way she does.

You are repeatedly asking her if there is someone else even though she has told you there isn’t.

You say that if you were in her shoes, you would have done it better ie been more supportive. You say that the sacrifices she made - not going out anywhere together for two years and having your mother stay with you for a month in her place - were not enough.

She wants to you move out for a break but you are refusing to do so because you don’t think her reasons for asking this are valid .

You don’t want to move out now because it will cost you more money and you have to do a lot of overtime until the end of April so you what to stay focused on your work.

And you think this is going to make her change her mind about you splitting up ???

@LifeExperience

Your post is very harsh.

The OP's dad died in January - two months ago. And you're criticising them for not moving on?

Jeez the guy's body is barely cold.

For all the life experience and loss you say you have experienced, you are extraordinarily lacking in compassion.

Grief takes as long as it takes and it is not for you or anyone else to judge when it should start or stop, or what intensity should be experienced.