My DH doesn’t love me anymore

[needingpeace]

We’ve been married for more than two decades. It hasn’t been easy. We get in great when we do but he’s a dominant character and we do clash because he wants his own way all the time. Lockdown made things tough and he’s not been happy since then. I don’t really know what to do. I’ve begged and said I’ll try harder but he says he wants out but won’t actually do anything about it. He says he’s not interested. He won’t touch me or say he loves me. He doesn’t seek me out. He’s polite but there’s nothing else coming from him. He does what’s required. Childcare etc but doesn’t call me if I’m not at home. No messages. No dates. No interest. It’s like he doesn’t care if I’m there or not. It’s like “meh”. So it’s me making all the moves. I’ve offered sex several times but he’s “not there yet”. I’ve said then why doesn’t he move out if he wants it over but he wants to stay married but not be married. He is prepared to just make do and that’s it. He offers no support. He doesn’t ask about my day and rarely looks me in the eye. It’s just excruciating. I’m a very touchy person but it’s a killer to be constantly rejected. I don’t know what to do. He won’t leave. He says he’s fine as he is and if I’m not happy then I have to be the one to leave. Can anyone advise please?

Do you do most of the household chores, cooking, and childcare ? If so, It seems like his version of being married is having a live in housekeeper.
I can only tell you what I’d do in your situation. I wouldn’t beg ( ever) I certainly wouldn’t offer sex and I’d stop providing any meals, laundry service. I’d then speak to a solicitor about my half of the house, my half of all other assets, child support. And find somewhere else to live.
Probably not what you want to hear.

I have no advice but I could of written most of this post myself. I feel what you are going through....

I presume ow and he will leave and go to her when it suits him - you need to lawyer up.

Please please please stop begging him, stop asking for sex, stop asking him for love.

You are wearing away your self confidence every time you do that. And he will see you as weaker, and a doormat, and willing to be treated like rubbish. Which will feed even more his narrative that you are beneath him and don't deserve his respect.

If you want his respect back then I suggest you tool up. Seek a solicitor's advice. Tell him he doesn't get to make all the choices. If he doesn't love you, then you will be divorcing so you can enjoy being single and maybe find someone who would love you. You don't want to be tied to someone who won't make you happy. You deserve happy.

Then do it. Get that advice. Take steps. He doesn't get to choose if you divorce him. He doesn't have that power. And even if he sees the light and wants you back....keep walking. Because he's shown you he has no respect or care for your feelings. He just expects you to keep doing the wifely stuff and making his life easier, while he treats you badly and erodes your self esteem and makes your life miserable.

Muster your strenght and take up your power!

See a solicitor. You need to get a divorce, if you are the main carer of the kids you can likely stay in the house with them, if that’s affordable.

This is entirely unreasonable behaviour on his part.

I know you must be terribly hurt but stop begging him and stop acting like his housekeeper/cook/nanny - rescue your self esteem while you can.

I get what everyone’s saying but it’s not an OW. We’ve had some big rows and we’ve both said things we regret. The difference is that I try and resolve/fix and forgive and find a way forward but he holds it all. He will happily ignore me for weeks. He’s said he prefers it. It’s so depressing. It’s debilitating to live with someone who won’t have an adult conversation about an argument. Even though there is two people in an argument - it becomes all on me to fix and resolve and it becomes about one thing I might have said after days of being ignored and I’m tired and upset and I finally say something I’m not proud of…it’s like he’s waiting for me to say something wrong? It’s like he’s inwardly furious all of the time? It’s hard to explain. I can’t be myself. That’s the only way I can explain it. I don’t know. I just know there’s no warmth coming from him.

The thing is he doesn’t care if I see a solicitor. He’s happy for me to go. It’s just that it’s me who had to do that even though I’m the one who doesn’t want to end the marriage. Shouldn’t it be the person who wants to end it who moves out?

I work full time. He doesn’t. Kids/chores are 50/50. Kids are older. There’s no real drain/problem there.

I’d file for divorce and stop cooking/washing/cleaning for him.

Ok, I know you don't want to, but you need to take action to show he can't have this as he wants it. See a solicitor and ask for an assessment. Then come back and tell him you've taken advice and you want to file for divorce and put the house up for sale. You may not want any of this but take control, don't let yourself be taken for a ride. Do not offer him a single other thing, not a greeting, a cup of tea, nothing. Make him see that if he wants out, it will be fully out, on his own.

I'm in pretty much exactly the same situation. It's awful. My heart goes out to you.

What are you trying to save OP - or are you just so used to him being dominant that you cant see life without him.

Let him go - and properly. If you work and have older children why wouldnt you be fine without him

Stop doing anything for him

Seem solicitor about how you can get him out as he is the one wanting to end it

Harden yourself to the ignoring. Seek out social interaction elsewhere. Tell him you consider yourself free to date since you will now be splitting formally. Go out more. Don't let him see you moping. Show him your life will be better in the future, even if you don't believe it yourself yet.

But everyone saying stop doing anything and just let him go, that’s what he wants. He wants that to happen but he doesn’t want to actually do anything about it. So I’m just not understanding what that is about? I just don’t know what to do. I’m very upset.

Is it that he doesn’t want to leave because he doesn’t have a job so wouldn’t be able to afford to rent?

I’d force a sale on the house, especially as you have a full time job so you will be ok.

But he sees me ignoring him or doing things myself in a negative way. It makes it worse. I don’t know how to fix it.

Can I really force a sale of the house? Does that really happen? What if he says he wants to stay? How do I come out of this not totally ripped apart and my kids hating me?

What would other people do in my position?

It’s twenty years of my life :(

If he wants to stay in the house he would need to buy you out. Do the kids live at home? If so, could you buy him out?

20 years of your life is better than 25 years of your life.

Of course this hard, and shit too, but nothing you will do or can do will fix this, you can’t make a person want to be with you, it’s impossible and begging and grovelling won’t change that.

I know it’s hard and it hurts, but you need to get to grips with it.

He won’t talk about it. He refuses to discuss and says it’s on me to do anything about it.

I've been with my DH 20 years. Married for only six months but still been living together for that time. I couldn't deal with this. I would have to file for divorce. He's just wearing away at your self respect. Once you start showing you're not a mug he might change his mind but I would still tell him it's too late then.

What does he want you to do about it?
Leave?
How’s he paying the bills if he doesn’t work and you leave?