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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My DH doesn’t love me anymore

128 replies

needingpeace · 24/03/2022 21:23

We’ve been married for more than two decades. It hasn’t been easy. We get in great when we do but he’s a dominant character and we do clash because he wants his own way all the time. Lockdown made things tough and he’s not been happy since then. I don’t really know what to do. I’ve begged and said I’ll try harder but he says he wants out but won’t actually do anything about it. He says he’s not interested. He won’t touch me or say he loves me. He doesn’t seek me out. He’s polite but there’s nothing else coming from him. He does what’s required. Childcare etc but doesn’t call me if I’m not at home. No messages. No dates. No interest. It’s like he doesn’t care if I’m there or not. It’s like “meh”. So it’s me making all the moves. I’ve offered sex several times but he’s “not there yet”. I’ve said then why doesn’t he move out if he wants it over but he wants to stay married but not be married. He is prepared to just make do and that’s it. He offers no support. He doesn’t ask about my day and rarely looks me in the eye. It’s just excruciating. I’m a very touchy person but it’s a killer to be constantly rejected. I don’t know what to do. He won’t leave. He says he’s fine as he is and if I’m not happy then I have to be the one to leave. Can anyone advise please?

OP posts:
user1480097724 · 25/03/2022 20:55

I've tried to PM you, @needingpeace, but can't seem to. I'm in pretty much exactly the same boat as you. Please PM me so we can support each other.

layladomino · 26/03/2022 08:59

He doesn't love you. He doesn't want to be with you. He shows you no care or respect. There is no salvaging your marriage. He doesn't wwant to repair it, and it takes two. Also, why would you want to stay with such a vile person?

So you have 2 options -

  1. Stay. Feel like this forever (more once children aren't around so much). Grow ever more resentful working for, and looking after, a man who treats you so appallingly. Don't get any chances to be free, to find real love.
  1. Divorce him. Get your own home. Enjoy sitting on your own settee watching your own TV, in peace, in a home that is your calm oasis. Freedom. No resentment. Live life as you want. Not cleaning up after a man who treats you with disdain. Reclaiming your self respect and who you are. Maybe trying some new hobbies and meeting new people, if you like.

Why is option 2 more scary than option 1?

You have the power to make a change. To seek some legal advice and see where you stand, and make the first step.

And stop looking at everything through the lens of what he wants / what he'd like / whether he'd approve or not. Who cares what he thinks? It's irrelevant. You need to do what you can to make YOU happy. He seems to spend all his time thinking of his own feelings and noone elses. Why on earth do you need to do that too?

JamieNorthlife · 01/04/2022 21:27

@needingpeace, any updates?

I still think OP's account was hijacked by her DH.

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