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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DH doesn’t love me anymore

128 replies

needingpeace · 24/03/2022 21:23

We’ve been married for more than two decades. It hasn’t been easy. We get in great when we do but he’s a dominant character and we do clash because he wants his own way all the time. Lockdown made things tough and he’s not been happy since then. I don’t really know what to do. I’ve begged and said I’ll try harder but he says he wants out but won’t actually do anything about it. He says he’s not interested. He won’t touch me or say he loves me. He doesn’t seek me out. He’s polite but there’s nothing else coming from him. He does what’s required. Childcare etc but doesn’t call me if I’m not at home. No messages. No dates. No interest. It’s like he doesn’t care if I’m there or not. It’s like “meh”. So it’s me making all the moves. I’ve offered sex several times but he’s “not there yet”. I’ve said then why doesn’t he move out if he wants it over but he wants to stay married but not be married. He is prepared to just make do and that’s it. He offers no support. He doesn’t ask about my day and rarely looks me in the eye. It’s just excruciating. I’m a very touchy person but it’s a killer to be constantly rejected. I don’t know what to do. He won’t leave. He says he’s fine as he is and if I’m not happy then I have to be the one to leave. Can anyone advise please?

OP posts:
Original poster
needingpeace · 24/03/2022 22:11

Should I just let him go do you think? Do you think it’s not salvageable?

OP posts:
Dillydollydingdong · 24/03/2022 22:12

Tell him you are entitled to be happy, and entitled to be loved. If he can't provide those things you'll find someone who can. You are going to seek a divorce on the grounds of his unreasonable behaviour.

HeDidWhattt · 24/03/2022 22:12

I’d say 20 years was a good run. Time for the next exciting part of your life.

Original poster
needingpeace · 24/03/2022 22:14

If I told him that @Dillydollydingdong he’d say “good for you. Off you go then”

OP posts:
kweeble · 24/03/2022 22:14

See a solicitor and find out your rights - his behaviour is unreasonable and you can split up. It is possible he leaves you and the children.
It’s best to get all of your financial information together and put yourself first.
You will never be happy with him now - it’s time to move on and you can make a new life for yourself.

WinterSunglasses · 24/03/2022 22:15

@needingpeace

But he sees me ignoring him or doing things myself in a negative way. It makes it worse. I don’t know how to fix it.
You can't fix it. Not now. Sorry.

His choices are negative for you, but he doesn't care about that. Stop worrying about him seeing what you do as negative. He's not on your side now.

This sounds really harsh, but he is pushing out away, confident in the knowledge you will run to him and try to fix it. You won't make it harder. You need to push back and not give him this halfway house cushy but detached existence. Worry less about upsetting him, and he may be more concerned about upsetting you, odd as that may seem. He isn't right now.

WinterSunglasses · 24/03/2022 22:18

@needingpeace

If I told him that *@Dillydollydingdong* he’d say “good for you. Off you go then”
And then you say 'nope, I'm not going till the house is sold or I buy you out'. Make it real.

Believe me, this will have more effect on him than any attempt to understand, play nice or fix things.

WinterSunglasses · 24/03/2022 22:20

@needingpeace

Should I just let him go do you think? Do you think it’s not salvageable?
I think showing you are prepared to let him go, waking him up to the reality, is the only way it would be salvageable. Or it's your way out of the pain. Either is better than the way you are now.
Quartz2208 · 24/03/2022 22:22

You need to collect paperwork and get some legal advice.

Your children surely are aware of the atmosphere - how does he get on with them?

Moonface123 · 24/03/2022 22:28

Why would you want to fix this? He's made it clear your not important to him, but at the same time you make life easy for him by allowing him to treat you the way he does. What would he do if you went online looking for love ? So you both live like flatmates under the same roof, but live seperate lives? That might be the answer for now if he won' t leave and your reluctant to seperate.

RandomMess · 24/03/2022 22:28

You stay living there and start the divorce process.

There will have to be a financial settlement even if takes over a year!

He is being abusive towards you, must be miserable for the DC as well as you Sad

Thanks
SRS29 · 24/03/2022 22:31

@needingpeace

What would other people do in my position?
OP I would grow some self respect and divorce him...start your own life for you and your own self respect...jeez this is 2022
JudyGemstone · 24/03/2022 22:33

You can’t allow this toxic dynamic to be your childrens relationship model, it’s terrible for them and so damaging.

Whose name is the house in? I assume you could take the mortgage over if necessary? But you can’t legally force him to move out no, not unless he’s abusive towards you.

I think as painful as it is you have to accept that this is how it is now and you can’t fix it as he doesn’t want it to be fixed, he wants to effectively be single but have the financial security and convenience of being married.

If you divorce the house will likely have to be sold and any equity divided between you both. Child residency is generally 50/50 unless reasons why not.

Spacecadetagain · 24/03/2022 22:40

This is emotional abuse - please stop begging and offering yourself to him.. he’s checked out of your marriage and just wants an unpaid housekeeper until it’s convenient for him to go . Believe him when he says he doesn’t love you - he doesn’t .. I know it’s crippling but put your game face on and tell him that you are formally seperated and will be seeing a solicitor.. don’t cook for him.. wash his clothes .. nothing …
My x h did this to me for two years .. I was a shell by the time I discovered he’d been having an affair the whole time .. I’m not saying there is an OW but quite often there is - however .. the reality here is .. there is nothing to salvage .. you need to lawyer up and potentially show him the door … I know it’s hard but don’t let this man erode any more of your self worth Flowers

billy1966 · 24/03/2022 22:47

It reads as if he is being very deliberate in his punishment of you.

He is emotionally abusing you.

He is feeding off your desperation.

The sooner you accept reality and contact a solicitor the better.

He doesn't love you.

You begging him for sex and making little of yourself will not change what is happening.

Accept this and see a solicitor.Flowers

Original poster
needingpeace · 24/03/2022 22:54

Can I ask those that have said it’s abusive why do you think that? What’s abusive about it please? He says that how he lives his life is up to him and it’s now down to me to say anything about it. Why is that abusive? I’m not sure I understand. Surely it’s up to him to decide if he wants to interact with me or not. It’s his choice right?

OP posts:
Original poster
needingpeace · 24/03/2022 22:56

Also, I don’t understand why he is feeding off my desperation? When I try and talk to him he walks away and says leave me alone. If he wanted to see me desperate then he’d interact with me. He’s happy having no contact with me so I’m not sure that fits. He’d be perfectly ok never seeing me or talking to me again. Ever. So I don’t know if he cares enough to care if I’m desperate or not.

OP posts:
Spacecadetagain · 24/03/2022 22:59

@needingpeace

Can I ask those that have said it’s abusive why do you think that? What’s abusive about it please? He says that how he lives his life is up to him and it’s now down to me to say anything about it. Why is that abusive? I’m not sure I understand. Surely it’s up to him to decide if he wants to interact with me or not. It’s his choice right?
He’s told you he doesn’t love you - he knows you love him. Refusing to move out and staying under the sand roof while you essentially tie yourself up in knots trying to “save” your marriage.. makes it abusive .. abuse doesn’t have to be physical
Spacecadetagain · 24/03/2022 22:59

Same not sand !

RandomMess · 24/03/2022 23:02

He ignores you for weeks - abuse.

Wants to stay married yet treats you like utter shit

Puts you down in front of the DC with his behaviour

Lurking9to5 · 24/03/2022 23:07

@needingpeace

Can I ask those that have said it’s abusive why do you think that? What’s abusive about it please? He says that how he lives his life is up to him and it’s now down to me to say anything about it. Why is that abusive? I’m not sure I understand. Surely it’s up to him to decide if he wants to interact with me or not. It’s his choice right?
He's keeping you in a perpetual state of ''abandonment'' which is a very common wound. I think you'd have a degree of this normal wound or you would have told him ''that's fine, I deserve better and I won't put up with this''.

He's deliberately keeping you in this state of uncertainty and ambiguity which the brain hates. its triggers fight or flight feelings. The amygdala responds to this like there is a real threat of physical danger.

And he wants this to continue indefinitely?

This is abusive. If he didn't want to upset you he'd tell you it was over and move out, but he wants to perpetuate the feeling of abandonment that you're currently enduring.

breadpie · 24/03/2022 23:08

Pack his bags for him give him the boot.

It's not going to improve so you may as well start adapting to single life.

NeverChange · 24/03/2022 23:52

I have to be blunt but it seems like he wants the financial benefits of being married...the home and your income and access to his children.

If he moves out, he sees the children less and has to pay rent which is most likely can't do if you are the only one working.

ThreeLocusts · 25/03/2022 00:04

OP you sound like you can't see the wood for the trees after being kept in limbo for years. From the outside, I see two possible explanations, not exclusive of each other:

He is staying for your salary and the comfort it buys, or/and he is staying because he derives some kind of stability or satisfaction from starving you emotionally. Neither reflects well on him.

I think you have to end it. Sorry. But in the long run, I don't think you will regret it.

oviraptor21 · 25/03/2022 00:19

@Dillydollydingdong

Tell him you are entitled to be happy, and entitled to be loved. If he can't provide those things you'll find someone who can. You are going to seek a divorce on the grounds of his unreasonable behaviour.
New no fault divorce laws mean 'unreasonable behaviour' is a thing of the past (or will be from 6th April).

@ThreeLocusts is correct.
What is the point in staying with this man and putting up with this level of contempt. He's telling you very clearly that there's nothing left. He just finds it easier for the time being to continue sharing a home, that is all.