Your DH seems to have got into a nasty place where he feels no guilt whatsoever when his behaviour causes you pain. He us giving you the cold shoulder, icing you out until you crack and flare up. Then telling you frankly horrid things and watching you twist yourself into knots. It is cruel, emotional abuse.
It is no way for you to live.
You can move on from this. I promise. But sadly in order to do so, you have to detach yourself. You have to accept that no, you can't come back from this and the marriage is truly over.
But then... there is big, wide, empty-looking future. That seems initially scary but imagine yourself in a very simple place. You are living in a nice home, working full time. You have some friends and social activities; the occasional lunch out, a summer evening at the pub, a walking group, volunteering once a week. Your kids have grown up and started their own lives; they video call or pop in to see you once a week and sometimes you take them both to dinner for a treat. You're just thinking about taking your first trip abroad without your DH, and planning a city break with a companion. You have started to go swimming and yoga once a week, you feel healthier than you have in years and everyone says your new haircut looks amazing. You are looking forward and looking forward to having dinner with that nice widower you met recently. You are content.
Well it could turn out that way. I would honestly make a big list of all the things that you could do in a future without your husband. And then start doing them (except the part where you find a gentleman suitor!). You can go on a weekend break alone. You can take your kids out to dinner without DH. You can find yourself again. You can treat yourself without guilt and ignore your DH's needs.
And then when you start to see how you could function minus a husband, you find that divorce solicitor, and you put the wheels in motion. And you end it.
I know it feels like giving up, but it really isnt. It is securing a path to your own self-contentment. Finding a place where your DH's barbs, stone-waling and goading can't reach you.
How will you find time for all this? Or money? Just pace yourself, and start small. You might splash out on a counsellor, just for you, because you will have emotions and sometimes you will feel conflicted. As you become less reliant on your DH, and less in need of his attention, you will probably start to look and feel better and seem younger in yourself. Your DH might lash out at you when he realises he is losing the power he had over you. Or he might even start to regret what he has done to you, and play a game of being nice and trying to make up. But the marriage is definitely over and you shouldn't let his reaction affect your plan to move on, and escape.
Do the old MN thing of asking yourself, would you want this marriage for your own child? What would your own mum say if she could see you in this state now?
You can live a better life than this. xx