My DH doesn’t love me anymore

[needingpeace]

We’ve been married for more than two decades. It hasn’t been easy. We get in great when we do but he’s a dominant character and we do clash because he wants his own way all the time. Lockdown made things tough and he’s not been happy since then. I don’t really know what to do. I’ve begged and said I’ll try harder but he says he wants out but won’t actually do anything about it. He says he’s not interested. He won’t touch me or say he loves me. He doesn’t seek me out. He’s polite but there’s nothing else coming from him. He does what’s required. Childcare etc but doesn’t call me if I’m not at home. No messages. No dates. No interest. It’s like he doesn’t care if I’m there or not. It’s like “meh”. So it’s me making all the moves. I’ve offered sex several times but he’s “not there yet”. I’ve said then why doesn’t he move out if he wants it over but he wants to stay married but not be married. He is prepared to just make do and that’s it. He offers no support. He doesn’t ask about my day and rarely looks me in the eye. It’s just excruciating. I’m a very touchy person but it’s a killer to be constantly rejected. I don’t know what to do. He won’t leave. He says he’s fine as he is and if I’m not happy then I have to be the one to leave. Can anyone advise please?

Is there anyone who knows what you're going through and can offer real life support, a hug, to listen and advise? My life changed in a very big way as I was approaching a big birthday. At the time it felt as if my world had collapsed. I can honestly say that my life going forward has been better for it.

OP I'm also in my 50s. And happily single.

Would you rather live out the rest of your days like you are living now, or would you rather be free of all this crap and be able to sit on your sofa watching telly without having to walk on eggshells for the rest of the day?

Unfortunately you are going to have to get out of this woe is me head space though. Get angry and think of yourself for a change. Your DC will be moving on with their own lives. Don't make them feel guilty about that though by implying you'll be lonely etc etc without them.

Please don't waste another 20 years with someone who has little regard for you. You deserve better.

@needingpeace

But everyone saying stop doing anything and just let him go, that’s what he wants. He wants that to happen but he doesn’t want to actually do anything about it. So I’m just not understanding what that is about? I just don’t know what to do. I’m very upset.

Then sadly you need to do it. Yes you can force a sale.

@needingpeace

What would other people do in my position?

id stop trying to beg him and hope it can be fixed . id see a solicter and find your anger at being treated like shit by someone you have been married to for 20 years , id be fuming at someone treating me like this whilst saying they are happy to just stay put , but carry on ignoring me and making me feel worthless he says its all on you to make the moves , so make them , file for divorce , it wont be easy of course not , but honestly op living like this cant be either

Go to a solicitor and start divorcing him. Withdrawal of affection is a thing. If you make a start you will feel better and once you know your options you won't feel so bad.

@Onthedunes Is this a reverse ?

It feels like it. Writing style is very different than previous posts. Maybe her DH is using OPs account.

Someone once mentioned that love us like a garden, you water it, you de weed the bad bits, you add fertiliser, you protect it in the winter and everything is right and lovely, but if you let it die, no amount if care is going to bring it back to what it was. You plant it again if you wished but what is dead is dead.

I am not saying you let the live die, you are still trying but he has been clear. The more you try the less attractive he will find you, and try what if he is no longer interested?

I suppose he wants to stay married but not be married because your work raising the kids and keeping the house, clothes and meals in order is the only reason he is staying. That is not the embers if love just convenience.

You need to let go and start putting your ducks on a row so you can leave or kick him out. Staying is not an option that can make things easier, it would just make you more miserable, angrier and bitter. He will leave anyway, he is ready to make the move, just waiting for the right woman to appear.

Honestly OP, there is far more dignity (and happiness) in becoming a single parent than putting up with a situation like this.

@Strawberry33

Go have an amazing affair. I’m serious xx

What a useless thing to say, especially given OP's updates on how she feels. 😡

OP, this man is abusing you & enjoying exercising control over you.

Don't spend time trying to fathom why he is doing it. There's no logical 'why', it's his desire for control.

You need to take practical steps to separate.

Go to a solicitor and start proceedings.

He will then have to engage.

If what you want is to watch TV and stay at home, you can do that much more happily without this man.

You cannot fix this.

@needingpeace

All I’ve ever wanted is a family. I can’t bear to not see my kids every day. I’m not a confident, attractive person. I’m a lonely loner and I just want to be with my kids. I don’t have many friends. It’s not going to be easy to get a life. I’m nearly 60 and I feel like I’ve got nothing if I lose this marriage. I’m not one of those people who has a busy, interesting life. I’m a homebody who just wants to sit on the sofa with her kids and watch TV. I know other people might find that boring but I don’t want anything else other than that. Now I’m going to lose even that tiny little thing that I have in my life. I just want to rip my eyes out I’m so unhappy at the thought of this

This has made both incredibly sad but also angry on your behalf, OP.

I'm sorry, but what you have isn't a marriage in any meaningful sense. The marriage is over, you just haven't realised it yet. Your DH is little more than a lodger with a side order of emotional abuse.

One day, your kids will grow up and leave home. Before they do, they will start spending more and more time out, doing activities, hanging out with their mates etc. And you will be stuck with this vile man, who seems to derive pleasure from freezing you out and making you feel shit. I'd have long since run by now.

I think you would benefit from some counselling to help you work out why you want to cling on to a relationship that gives you nothing but insecurity and sadness, and maybe envisage how much better your life could be without it. You sound lonely, even though you live with other people, and I suspect that's because you are isolated by his treatment of you.

And there are worse things than being alone at nearly 60. I'm 66, I lost my partner late in 2020 and now live alone. It's shit, and it hurts, but I have my garden, my home, satisfying work, a love of reading and I have adjusted to being alone. It's far better than sharing a home with someone who is so utterly awful to you. (I have experience of that, too, courtesy of my ex.)

You've been married a heck of a long time and have built a life so yanbu in your feelings at all. It is him that is being abhorrent to you and whilst you think there isn't an ow I would be weary, this is the exact type of behaviour my uncle showed my aunty and she too thought there couldn't possibly be a 3rd party. He made her feel so dejected that she felt she had no choice but to leave, 3 weeks later ow moved in.

You have to speak to a solicitor, you have to make arrangements for yourself If your kids are older than once they ask questions you can simply state show you were treated and that noone should be treated like that especially after a 20 year relationship. I don't know how you could come back from this op I couldn't forgive the way he is treating you. He hasn't got the balls to say it's over so is leaving you in limbo but rejecting you and breaking down your confidence.

You cam still curl up on a sofa watching TV with your kids but you cam do it in an environment where you ate safe, happy and respected. You aren't getting that currently. Clearly your world has been turned on its head and I would seek some counselling so you can see it is his behaviour that is awful, no fault of yours. Best of luck to you op.

The thing here is the smoke and mirrors he created by saying you need to make the move if you want to end it…………..he has already ended it ……..he just hasn’t gone public so he doesn’t take any backlash from children etc.

Do yourself a favour tell him this. Tell him he’s ended it and no acrobatic wording on his side changes that.

Tell him he has made the decision to end the marriage and as such you’ll be making the relevant arrangements such as progressing a house sale.

When children, in laws etc ask what is happening be very honest don’t let him control the narrative…..he ended the marriage and you sorted the arrangements because he gave you no choice but to do so.

You are worth so much more than he can or wants to give you.

You can and will do this you are strong and will push through his disgusting behaviour to bloom and have a life that you can be happy with xxxx

So he has clearly tuned out and decided that he’s happy to live like this.I feel like he thinks if he doesn’t do anything, you won’t either and life will just tick along. Your situation reminds me of my parents. When they were in their late 70’s my mum realised they needed to move from the family home which was becoming too much to cope with.My dad although theoretically in agreement wouldn’t make any effort at all to make it happen, basically he thought my mum wouldn’t be able to do anything on her own, however realising this was his ploy she stepped up and found a suitable bungalow put the wheels in motion and eventually he got involved and they moved happily.Now I appreciate your situation is very different but I really think your Dh is lazy, probably doesn’t expect you to have the gumption to take things into your own hands and could even be doubting how he will be able to afford to live since he only works part time. The only thing you can now do is put yourself first, decide what YOU want (you can’t turn the clock back) and go and see a solicitor to find out where you stand regarding staying in the house etc.It’s going to be hard but as you work full time you’re in a strong position and you’ve got to find your inner strength and press ahead, you deserve a happy future! 💐

Think about how lovely your home will be when you can sit and watch tv with your kids without a selfish manbaby stropping around the house, making sure you know he's ignoring you.

@needingpeace
You seem like a perfectly normal person to me that sees family as very important, that's great.
It's not your fault he wants out just open the door for him and this lively green field he sees ahead of him may not be as exciting as he thinks but that's on him.All you can do is plan for yourself and your children ,also go for nice walks maybe go for a swim and if you can't swim find something else as there is so much out there for you.
Remember that you are only getting separated you are not sick and being on your own is a million times better than living with someone that has checked out already.
Get yourself a good lawyer though you deserve that much

Don't you think that is too much pressure on your children? It sounds like you are dependent on them being in a lot watching TV with you for your happiness. That isn't much of s life for them is it?

He's on a right power trip with you, isn't he? Wants to 'be married' but not 'be married'.
What he means is he wants a housekeeper who actually pays for his life (does he work at all?) does his laundry, cooks his meals etc etc. And when said housekeeper deigns to try and sort thr situation, even delegates THAT to her.
I understand your apparent dependence on him, I really do. But it's just that - apparent. He doesn't get to live with you, yet get all the benefits of having a wife having checked out of the marriage.
You need to find your anger. Find a Shit. Hot. Lawyer. If only for advice. There's no way he can totally absent himself from divorce proceedings. He has to get involved if only to sign papers - which I guess the arse won't do.
I'm not sure about the house being sold, which is why you need legal advice. But how wonderful if you could!
How old is he, just out of curiosity?
We're all here for you, OP. Remember that

I think you have two issues.
The first is coming to terms with the idea that you are going to end it with this man, and that your life will change. As someone pointed out, it's going to change anyway, as your children will not be on the sofa with you much longer.
I too loved that family-on-the-sofa stage. But like you, it was really just me and the children. My children are in their 20s now, and don't live with me. They come and visit still, but obviously when they have their own families even that won't be as often. So my life has changed. I'm also quite a loner, so my tactic is to do courses or join groups for a bit of a social life but with less social pressure. I've taken up exercise - running, which I never thought I'd do! And I'm happy to spend the evening on my own. There's no sulking man here, no man who still hasn't come home. It's relaxing. (I do also see a bf a couple of nights a week, but he's nice, so...)

I think you need to come to terms with the whole idea of your life changing, and it not all being a disaster, before you can really start sorting out the second issue, which is how to split up with your husband without his cooperation. That can be sorted out with legal advice. But your fear of a supposedly awful situation means you can't think straight about the practical side. Maybe start a thread or two on here about what happens when people break up after a long time. And get some counselling to look into why you see your potential future so negatively.

I was also in your situation for a while of being in limbo with a husband who was refusing to leave. What got him to go was mainly me doing some detective work and uncovering his affair. He could no longer make it all about me being awful.
Even if you think yours probably does not have an OW, it might be worth looking into it, just in case, for the leverage it provides if one does turn up.

In the meantime, your life will be less stressful if you see as little of him as possible. If you are still in a bed together, make him up a bed elsewhere. Put the TV in your bedroom and put a lock on the door. Try to arrange it so that your lives are as separate as possible. And you may be a loner, but that doesn't mean you have to sit on the sofa all day. Get away from him, get some exercise in the fresh air, go to the cinema or the zoo, go on holiday, get a job if you don't have one.

Op, what you want is not much at all, enjoying your kids and watch TV with them? You can do that without trying to save your marriage.

You can accept your marriage is over and start living separate lives albeit in the same house or you can make arrangements to split, but I suggest to drop the idea that you can make the love return, that is out of the question because that is not what he wants, it is not on your hands.

Op why would you to be married to someone who doesn’t want to see you or talk to you? Sounds horrible to me

It is emotionally abusive Holding you to ransom like this.

As you say, it’s twenty years of your lives. There were marriage vows, promises, commitments made. So no, he doesn’t get to just choose to suddenly not interact with you, treat you like a piece of dirt, but refuse to engage in the process off freeing you both geom this contract.

He IS behaving abusively. You can still have the life sitting on the sofa with your kids. Kick him out and have it without him. I’m so sorry for you. He is a selfish coward.

I think, OP you need to stop thinking about thi in terms of what he wants or winning and losing.

The question in front of you is - What do you want that you can have?

You can't have the man you married 20 years ago. You got 20 years but he's not here anymore, is he? The man you're with now isn't the same as the one you married. What you have now isn't going to be pleasant to be around for the next 20 years. So given that the old husband has gone, what's your best next move?

It's almost certainly divorce. You could try living separate lives under the same roof, this seems to be something he's content with, but you don't come across as the sort of person who would deal with that well. You don't have to put up with it. You think he wants you to act so you see it as losing, but you need to put that to one side. You don't, from this point, do or not do anything because of his opinion of that action. From here you do what works to your benefit and only that.

So go talk to a solicitor, find out what you can expect. Start planning a life without him that gives you some scope for happiness in other ways and removes the weight of having him around you all the time, pretending your history is nothing and reminding you of what you've lost every time you see him.

Set yourself up to move on. It's going to be painful. But there's no happy ending waiting for you in the house with him.

Do your kids not deserve the last years of the childhood to be in a healthy, non toxic, non abusive house? Do you want to enjoy your life?

@needingpeace

The thing is he doesn’t care if I see a solicitor. He’s happy for me to go. It’s just that it’s me who had to do that even though I’m the one who doesn’t want to end the marriage. Shouldn’t it be the person who wants to end it who moves out?

I don't understand why you think it's a good idea to stay married in this situation, it sounds upsetting and draining - I'd be divorcing not begging someone who doesn't love me for sex. You can't make someone do something they don't want to do but you can take control of the situation and move on and meet someone who will love you and make you happy. Life is too short to be miserable