Ex boyfriend has asked for “feedback”

[HollowedOut]

Should I be honest?

I was with him for nearly 2 years, we split up a few months ago on relatively good terms. We got together about 4 months after I split from exh and I said I was ending things as I thought we’d got together too soon, I needed time to be on my own and I didn’t want a relationship at the moment. In reality it was because I realised he wouldn’t stop talking about how great he was - he’d cook a meal and say “this is restaurant quality food this, isn’t it? I’d happily pay £30 for this meal. I love being able to treat my girlfriend to an amazing meal without having to go to a restaurant”. When talking about work “I only have to work 6 hours a day because I do it so quickly. It’s not that I rush it, I only need to read it once and I’ve remembered it. Everyone else is there doing 10 hour days and I’m here laughing” etc, etc. That and the fact his house was filthy and I couldn’t bear staying there anymore. I hinted and hinted about getting a cleaner, bringing my own sheets and towels because his were rank and he didn’t get it.

Anyway, we occasionally message each other still. Just meme’s or if something comes up in the news about somewhere we went or similar. Today he sent me a very long, clearly very carefully worded email asking me why I’d really split up with him. He thinks that I was just saying it was too soon after splitting with exh as if I was really in love with him that wouldn’t have been an issue. He’s been on a few dates recently and said he thought they went well but none of them wanted to see him a second or third time.

What should I say? Shall I just say that I really wasn’t ready for a relationship or that it was because he’s a self obsessed bore who lives in filth and if I hadn’t been feeling like such shit after splitting from exh I’d have probably legged it after the first date? Or somewhere between the two.

If he just generally lacked self awareness then yes I would tell him, probably diplomatically. He clearly suspects it and genuinely wants to know… however I would say you may not have the same chatty friendship afterwards.

You can afford to be kind and honest. He's asked for feedback. You could give him the examples that you gave us, especially the one about the horrible house as that's very likely to be exactly the same now.

How can I tell him he lived in filth diplomatically though? He always used to tell me how he’d spent the morning tidying before I came round. I’m sure he had tidied but he hadn’t cleaned. Filthy toilet, musty towels, just dirt, everywhere. I’m really not a clean freak by any standard but it was grim 🤢

I really wouldn't tell him. If he lives in filth and behaves like that, he would know, if he had any self awareness. He's not your friend and you don't owe him this. I don't think he will thank you for telling him. Maybe suggest that he gets a therapist to explore this for himself.

I think if the girls aren’t looking for a second date they probably haven’t seen the filth!

I’d just say that it was too soon and you weren’t ready for a relationship.

Then I would say, if you want to impress the ladies you may want to consider household hygiene.

My DDs friend was fostered and he didn’t know you could wash bedsheets or towels, some people just don’t realsie.

Is he actually a decent guy? Go somewhere between the 2. It sounds like things are amicable and that's always a nice place to be so I would tread gently. You could say he talks about himself a lot and women like to be asked about themselves too, and to give the house a good scrub before he brings anyone back, those are your 2 main pieces of advice, and you wish him luck.

@Mahanii

Is he actually a decent guy? Go somewhere between the 2. It sounds like things are amicable and that's always a nice place to be so I would tread gently. You could say he talks about himself a lot and women like to be asked about themselves too, and to give the house a good scrub before he brings anyone back, those are your 2 main pieces of advice, and you wish him luck.

Yes, this. If he has good qualities then tell him he doesn't need to draw attention to them, they'll be noticed. And that you recommend hiring a cleaner :)

I think he’s a decent guy. His wife left him a few years ago and I think it completely broke him. He’d been with her since they were teenagers and I don’t think he’d ever had to look after himself before. I did advise him prior to another date not to mention the ex wife and to ask about the woman he was on a date with instead when he asked a few weeks ago and he didn’t seem to take that badly. It was only via WhatsApp though so I’m not entirely sure.

Are you bothered about his 'feelings'- I'd be awfully tempted just to tell him the truth. Dave your house is a shithole and you talk about yourself all the time- clean up and stop bragging. Do people really not notice when their toilet is gross and the bathroom/towels are rank? I don't think so. They can't be arsed to do anything about it though.

Tell him what you wrote in your OP. If he genuinely wants feedback, it may help him grow. And these issues will affect any future relationship he has, so you'd be doing him a favour.

I told someone I really cared about, the bits that had bothered me. I worded it carefully in a , as they say, a “shit sandwich”
One positive, the negatives and ending with a positive.

I didn’t want him to make the same mistakes again.

Interesting question. He might be asking because he genuinely wants to deal with any issues. Or he might be looking for someone to flatter his ego and tell him he is in fact perfect. Or he might be gauging the chances of a reconciliation.

I think I'd be honest. Not rude, but factual. Something along the lines of 'Well, you talk about yourself and how brilliant you are, a lot. And your house is filthy, so not nice to visit.'

Is tell him but I'd accept it may end any friendship.

Agree with the shit sandwich.

Look Derek, you're genuinely a decent guy but you don't need to keep telling everyone how great everything you do is, it just comes across as arrogance or insecurity. And is in honest your really could do with s cleaner to come in an help you keep on top of the house. You're kind a funny and I really think the right woman is out there for you "

Tell him. It might actually improve him for life. Think of all the future girlfriends you’d be helping!

Tell him to watch high fidelity

It's so rare that we get to tell people what we REALLY think of them, I don't think I could waste such an opportunity!

@SleepingStandingUp 's shit sandwich is perfect.

Yeah, you could do him a real favour here:

“Nice thing ……. you can be a bit boastful ……… another nice thing …….. you need to get a cleaner ……. good luck”

And then, don’t get sucked into a discussion!

"You asked so......

I really liked the way that you have such confidence in yourself and your talents, but sometimes it did get a bit much when you went on about how good you are at things, it made me feel quite inadequate in comparison at times!

I was happy to be with someone who was really relaxed about letting the small stuff go without getting all stressy about it, although (and if your friend cant tell you, who can?!) your home really does need to be kept cleaner! I didnt like having to bring my own sheets and towels over because you dont wash yours, its grim mate! If you find the right one, a lot of cleaners will do laundry too and they are really affordable.

I loved our time together and I wasnt lying when I said that I think I moved on too soon after my break up. It wasnt that I didnt care for you but that I realised that I need to love myself before I can properly love someone else (sorry for the self help crap!).

And maybe you didnt get past the first date because they just werent right for you, keep going, you will find her soon I am sure :)"

Or some shit sandwich-esque stuff like that!

I love a shit sandwich, I’ve never heard that term before

As @HeddaGarbled put it, far more concisely than I did, a shit sandwich is literally Nice thing....Shit truth....Nice thing.

Depends on how self obsessed he is though, I have noticed that a certain type of person will only hear the nice things and cheerfully ignore the shit truth!

I'd just say you weren't ready, I truly could not be bothered helping him try to fix himself, if he's even interested in doing that.
I don't know how you nicely tell someone they're a filthy man with a big opinion of himself!

@Cocogreen

I'd just say you weren't ready, I truly could not be bothered helping him try to fix himself, if he's even interested in doing that. I don't know how you nicely tell someone they're a filthy man with a big opinion of himself!

I think that that is for the second email......"But what do you mean that I can be a bit boastful and that my flat isnt clean?" "Well I think you have an overinflated ego and your home is fucking filthy, I only stuck it out because I was desperate" :o

I would tell him - it sounds like he is clueless about his faults, for whatever reason. He has carefully worded this email to you - it sounds like he genuinely wants to know. You don't work with him, or need to have ongoing contact with him, in the small chance he reacts badly.

I'd be more direct than some other posters. He has asked directly, and he didn't pick up on your hints about getting a cleaner during the relationship. He presumably didn't notice your social cues that you weren't interested when he was singing his achievements. He may not pick up on hints or skirting around the issues if you are vague.

It's quite refreshing to have the opportunity to be honest with somebody about their faults!

It’s interesting that he is actually asking, perhaps he is aware?

PyongyangKipperbang Email reply is spot on

Shit sarnies are a great way of telling someone stuff you have to sugar coat