Ex boyfriend has asked for “feedback”

[HollowedOut]

Should I be honest?

I was with him for nearly 2 years, we split up a few months ago on relatively good terms. We got together about 4 months after I split from exh and I said I was ending things as I thought we’d got together too soon, I needed time to be on my own and I didn’t want a relationship at the moment. In reality it was because I realised he wouldn’t stop talking about how great he was - he’d cook a meal and say “this is restaurant quality food this, isn’t it? I’d happily pay £30 for this meal. I love being able to treat my girlfriend to an amazing meal without having to go to a restaurant”. When talking about work “I only have to work 6 hours a day because I do it so quickly. It’s not that I rush it, I only need to read it once and I’ve remembered it. Everyone else is there doing 10 hour days and I’m here laughing” etc, etc. That and the fact his house was filthy and I couldn’t bear staying there anymore. I hinted and hinted about getting a cleaner, bringing my own sheets and towels because his were rank and he didn’t get it.

Anyway, we occasionally message each other still. Just meme’s or if something comes up in the news about somewhere we went or similar. Today he sent me a very long, clearly very carefully worded email asking me why I’d really split up with him. He thinks that I was just saying it was too soon after splitting with exh as if I was really in love with him that wouldn’t have been an issue. He’s been on a few dates recently and said he thought they went well but none of them wanted to see him a second or third time.

What should I say? Shall I just say that I really wasn’t ready for a relationship or that it was because he’s a self obsessed bore who lives in filth and if I hadn’t been feeling like such shit after splitting from exh I’d have probably legged it after the first date? Or somewhere between the two.

Just tell him the truth. He can then decide if he wants to act on it or not

Going to go against the grain and say don’t let providing feedback to exes become a thing!

@Spudina

I’d tell him. Kindly, And about the household stuff I’d be dead specific ie bedding towels, toilets whatever. If he doesn’t know, he doesn’t know! It will be hard for hm to hear but you would be doing him a service when his next date goes to his sparkling house and thinks “here’s a man who can take care of himself.”

He doesn’t care.

The OP hinted repeatedly but this grandiose bragger wasn’t attentive to her feelings nor cared about her needs.

Of course he knows what a clean toilet looks like - he just expects another woman to scrub his shit up and be delighted to do so because he is soooo clever and charming!

What @PollyPutTheKettleOnKettleOn said was good " If he has good qualities then tell him he doesn't need to draw attention to them, they'll be noticed."

Also, with regards to his house, maybe frame it that some women (include yourself if you like) are super fussy about cleaning and he may wish to cleanse a bit deeper at home to make a good impression. We know we're not fussy, but it softens the message a bit.

@TottersBlankly

But feedback happens during a relationship - back and forth, every day. (We all know lack of communication is very clear feedback.) When you’re in a relationship you each have strong motivation for listening to and acting on the feedback, because you want the other person to adore you.

The OP has already broken up with him. What motivation might he have for listening to her or acting on what she says? None whatsoever. The only motivation here is to get her to continue focussing as much attention as possible on him.

His motivation is key.

Is it possible he's trying to get back with you?

You: [nicely] House is a shithole
Him: I realised. I've got a cleaner. Can we get back together?

You: [nicely] Always bigging up yourself.
Him: I know. Sorry and I've addressed it. Can we get back together?

And so on ad infinitum.

Meh. I'd reiterate that it was because too soon/need solo time [for ever!] and leave him to find his own way.

I disagree that this is about people pleasing and women tying themselves in knots for men. Surely this is just how you speak to another human unless you know that they prefer bluntness?

I would say, 'I felt you talked too much about yourself rather than asking about me and although your place was tidy I didn't think it was clean enough, particularly towels and bedding'.
To be honest I'd have just told him 'no one likes a boaster' at the time he said those things and not been that bothered about the sheets and towels as those things aren't a priority to me either - what is it with women and 'hinting' about things, men never feel they need to 'hint'.

Shall I just say that I really wasn’t ready for a relationship or that it was because he’s a self obsessed bore who lives in filth and if I hadn’t been feeling like such shit after splitting from exh I’d have probably legged it after the first date?

I think it was mature and decent of him to ask in the way you describe. I'd reply factually, telling the truth but without any insults or judgements. Eg:

• Your messy home really got to me; I prefer a much cleaner home and just don't think we're compatible in that respect.
• You talked a lot about your own good points eg how good you are at cooking, at work etc. It's good to be aware of your own strengths but I just didn't feel comfortable with this approach.

I have to do critical exercises for work.

We are told the following:

Give one piece of criticism.
And then say how to improve it.

For example:

The house isn't clean. You need to have a cleaning schedule.

Or

You talk about yourself too much, ask the other person questions.

More than one criticism and people shut down. The ego won't take more than one criticism and will dismiss all advice.

And if you phase it inside a compliment they ignore the criticism and just focus on the compliment

Definitely tell him. And it's both the grime and the boasting so mention both and anything else (succinctly.) You could do so in a couple of sentences probably.

He might genuinely try and improve ready for any women he meets in future.

Another vote for shit sandwich here, but I would tell him, but kindly. Particularly about the house situation

You could tell him one thing then see what his reaction is. If he takes it well you could drip feed a few more pieces of advice.
I'm not sure this is taking your time to fix a man, more like helping a friend out with some advice from your experience with them.
If he's self obsessed then it might not go anywhere and he's fishing for you to reinforce how wonderful he is and it was your problem that caused the split.
All this of course is if you can be bothered and if not then that's completely fine and let him bumble on.

Are you sure he really wants feedback?

He might just want reassurance that you ended things because you weren't ready.

Is he checking if you are ready now?

What did you decide to do @HollowedOut?

I told him yesterday on the phone and he seemed to take it really well. He emailed me later to say he’s sorted a cleaner and that he was going to spend the day sorting out the garden as he was having some friends round for a barbecue and wanted it to look nice.

Then this evening he sent me a photo of the barbecue, telling me how much everyone loved it, how what he’d done was buy proper meat from the butcher and marinade it and it was the best barbecue he’d ever eaten. I won’t include the photo but the garden was a disgrace still, I’d have been mortified having people over if my garden looked like that.

I tried 🤷‍♀️

Fuck it. This is what he sent me 🤦‍♀️.

I don’t understand men.

I did reassure him that I ended things because I wasn’t ready because I genuinely think I’m not ready for a proper relationship. I’d have happily carried on seeing him on a more casual basis if not for the bragging and filth though.

Jeez

Tell him straight. I would if an ex asked. Not to be nice but because it wouldn't cause me any grief.

Can’t say you didn’t try!

I’d tell him for sure. He’s asked - and it might do him a favour. I hope he listens

Copy his bragging post and use that as an illustration of his bragging. Say that he could have just said it seemed to go really well and hopefully everyone enjoyed it as much as he did. Point out the crucial differences in the two messages.

It’s worth one more shot!

You tried! At least he's not sensitive