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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Ex boyfriend has asked for “feedback”

133 replies

HollowedOut · 23/03/2022 23:13

Should I be honest?

I was with him for nearly 2 years, we split up a few months ago on relatively good terms. We got together about 4 months after I split from exh and I said I was ending things as I thought we’d got together too soon, I needed time to be on my own and I didn’t want a relationship at the moment. In reality it was because I realised he wouldn’t stop talking about how great he was - he’d cook a meal and say “this is restaurant quality food this, isn’t it? I’d happily pay £30 for this meal. I love being able to treat my girlfriend to an amazing meal without having to go to a restaurant”. When talking about work “I only have to work 6 hours a day because I do it so quickly. It’s not that I rush it, I only need to read it once and I’ve remembered it. Everyone else is there doing 10 hour days and I’m here laughing” etc, etc. That and the fact his house was filthy and I couldn’t bear staying there anymore. I hinted and hinted about getting a cleaner, bringing my own sheets and towels because his were rank and he didn’t get it.

Anyway, we occasionally message each other still. Just meme’s or if something comes up in the news about somewhere we went or similar. Today he sent me a very long, clearly very carefully worded email asking me why I’d really split up with him. He thinks that I was just saying it was too soon after splitting with exh as if I was really in love with him that wouldn’t have been an issue. He’s been on a few dates recently and said he thought they went well but none of them wanted to see him a second or third time.

What should I say? Shall I just say that I really wasn’t ready for a relationship or that it was because he’s a self obsessed bore who lives in filth and if I hadn’t been feeling like such shit after splitting from exh I’d have probably legged it after the first date? Or somewhere between the two.

OP posts:
1forAll74 · 24/03/2022 04:42

If you are not going to be truthful to him about the various issues that you were not happy about, then just say that you now don't wish to talk about the times when you were together. He is probably the type to be feeling sorry for himself right now that's all.

WTF475878237NC · 24/03/2022 04:50

The shit sandwich is bad advice. Just give it a quick google. Loads of research saying it's ineffective and mostly used by people pleasers who haven't been trained in giving feedback.

If you don't mind losing the friendship then I think be honest, in as kind a way as possible. He has asked so has enough self awareness to know something is up but clearly genuinely cannot figure it out. You don't need to fix it for him, but just sharing your experience might be the catalyst for change. If you like him as a person (given you're still in touch I assume you do!) then this is a nice thing to do for him.

Tlollj · 24/03/2022 04:56

Just tell him. He loves the sound of his own voice, continuously brags, and his place is a shit hole. Who’s cares if it upsets him. He’s your ex. Not your friend.

SarahBellam · 24/03/2022 05:03

If you still have time for him and he genuinely wants to make the best of himself, why not 'coach' him, particularly if he's genuinely a nice guy, but just a bit of a dick. Something like:

John, you really need to sort out your house, and get someone in to deep clean it, or give you cleaning lessons. Change your sheets weekly...etc.

John, I get that you're great and all, but you don't need to keep telling people about it...

Momijin · 24/03/2022 05:23

He's asked for feedback so be honest. If he doesnt take it on board then that's up to him

DancingBarefootOnIce · 24/03/2022 05:24

I’d be honest. It could be helpful. Also people say he will be aware his house is a mess etc but it might not be true. Maybe he was raised like that and thinks it’s normal. I’ve been to people’s houses and it’s amazing that they’re willing to have guests in such a place. I’ve then gone to their parents and saw a similar state.

TottersBlankly · 24/03/2022 05:36

Why is everyone encouraging you to spend your own time and energy on this?

Just because this self-obsessed bore has requested more of your attention.

Would you do that if someone broke up with you? Almost certainly not.

Just ignore his ridiculous self-serving message. He’s not a brand and you don’t owe him ‘feedback’. Or say ‘No’.

MimosaFields · 24/03/2022 05:48

I'd be honest. You have nothing to lose and he might appreciate it.

BishyBarnyBee · 24/03/2022 05:57

Yes, be honest. He's asked for it. You could be doing him a massive favour.

CRbear · 24/03/2022 05:57

I have always been a fan of the “shit sandwich” style of feedback but I’ve recently learned in training that research shows that most people just hear the good bits and tune out the actual feedback. Given he sounds full of himself I’m not sure PyongyangKipperbang’s email would actually get through to him!

Wilma55 · 24/03/2022 05:57

Send him a link to this thread!

EIisheva · 24/03/2022 06:00

Absolutely tell him, it takes a lot of guts to put yourself out there like that. I’d never dare! I’d probably get comments about being a miserable cow though

Krakenchorus · 24/03/2022 06:10

I wouldn't tell him. I would stick to my original reason and dig in. It's not your job or your moral duty to point out his flaws. It will involve some unpleasantness for you, and I doubt you need that.

He is an adult. You pointed out the filthy apartment when you were together. His overinflated ego could be a coping mechanism that he needs right now.

If he needs help, suggest he seek a therapist. You carry right on doing you, happily without him.

Chickychickydodah · 24/03/2022 06:18

I would say that your styles were incompatible and leave it at that. Then block him.

Somuddled · 24/03/2022 06:20

@TottersBlankly

Why is everyone encouraging you to spend your own time and energy on this?

Just because this self-obsessed bore has requested more of your attention.

Would you do that if someone broke up with you? Almost certainly not.

Just ignore his ridiculous self-serving message. He’s not a brand and you don’t owe him ‘feedback’. Or say ‘No’.

They are still friendly, they don't hate each other. He is trying to better himself. Taking 10 minutes to write out a message saying 'Dave, you talk about yourself a lot which gets a bit tiresome and you house really isn't up to scratch cleanliness wise' isn't going to take much energy from her.

OP just be honest in a factual way. He has asked, he presumably isn't so delusional that he expects you to shower him with praise.

girlmom21 · 24/03/2022 06:27

If you don't tell him he won't know and he's going to keep getting hurt. If he's a friend I think you should be honest.

TolkiensFallow · 24/03/2022 06:31

I’d be honest with him. He might be having therapy and it would be good material for him to work on. Or he might just really want feedback so he can change. There’s no need to be cruel but you can be direct.

He’s clearly asked you in a very careful way rather than an offhand comment so I’d be inclined to help him.

MsChatterbox · 24/03/2022 06:34

"Sorry to hear about your dates! If I'm honest, it could be down to how you brag a lot. It's good to be confident but maybe tone it down a bit when talking to other people. I'm not sure if they've been to your house yet but I know when I went it could have been cleaner. You are a great guy and these are easy fixes so hopefully the right one will come along soon."

If he asks for examples following that then you can give the ones in your OP!

Thisisworsethananticpated · 24/03/2022 06:37

Agree with shit sandwich
Agree with you might lose friendship
And I agree he is a human being and he’s asked and deserves an answer

Go diplomatic but as he’s asked .,…

Loopytiles · 24/03/2022 06:38

Agree with PP that this would be a waste of your time and energy.

MMMarmite · 24/03/2022 06:39

An ex gave me extremely kind and gentle feedback, when I asked - about a mental health issue which it's hard for me to see clearly from the inside. It's been hugely helpful.

I think you could tell him but soften the blow as much as possible. I'd say that not being ready was the main reason, but that there were a couple of other things I found difficult in the relationship, and then give details.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 24/03/2022 06:40

Why is everyone encouraging you to spend your own time and energy on this?

Because we are human beings
And we are all struggling with life ! Male and female alike
He’s asked a question and has shown vulnerability
Why not ? He’s not abusive or evil

THisbackwithavengeance · 24/03/2022 06:41

I'd tell him. You don't have to be mean about it, just be honest and factual. I nodded along with the shit sandwich thing as others suggested it but other posters have said not to do it... but you aren't his teacher or his boss so if you give him honest feedback, it's up to him whether he takes it on.

I think this is a really nice thing to do for someone. In the end if he stops being boastful and turns into Mrs Hinch's twin brother, you could even get back with him!

Bluetrews25 · 24/03/2022 06:41

When you talk about how wonderful you are all the time it makes you sound self-centred, big-headed and arrogant, which are not attractive qualities.
Your flat needs to be a lot cleaner. Especially bathroom, bedroom and kitchen. Being grubby is not attractive and can be seen as a health hazard.

Loopytiles · 24/03/2022 06:46

He already had two years of OP’s time and attention, and it sounds like that was way more than was good for OP! Doesn’t sound like he’s adding much to her life as a low contact ‘friend’ either.

His dating success - or lack of - isn’t OP’s problem.