Ex boyfriend has asked for “feedback”

[HollowedOut]

Should I be honest?

I was with him for nearly 2 years, we split up a few months ago on relatively good terms. We got together about 4 months after I split from exh and I said I was ending things as I thought we’d got together too soon, I needed time to be on my own and I didn’t want a relationship at the moment. In reality it was because I realised he wouldn’t stop talking about how great he was - he’d cook a meal and say “this is restaurant quality food this, isn’t it? I’d happily pay £30 for this meal. I love being able to treat my girlfriend to an amazing meal without having to go to a restaurant”. When talking about work “I only have to work 6 hours a day because I do it so quickly. It’s not that I rush it, I only need to read it once and I’ve remembered it. Everyone else is there doing 10 hour days and I’m here laughing” etc, etc. That and the fact his house was filthy and I couldn’t bear staying there anymore. I hinted and hinted about getting a cleaner, bringing my own sheets and towels because his were rank and he didn’t get it.

Anyway, we occasionally message each other still. Just meme’s or if something comes up in the news about somewhere we went or similar. Today he sent me a very long, clearly very carefully worded email asking me why I’d really split up with him. He thinks that I was just saying it was too soon after splitting with exh as if I was really in love with him that wouldn’t have been an issue. He’s been on a few dates recently and said he thought they went well but none of them wanted to see him a second or third time.

What should I say? Shall I just say that I really wasn’t ready for a relationship or that it was because he’s a self obsessed bore who lives in filth and if I hadn’t been feeling like such shit after splitting from exh I’d have probably legged it after the first date? Or somewhere between the two.

Tell him, be honest.
Then praise his growth, self awareness and accountability so he doesnt come back with "well, your farts smell like my dog's the week before he died"

Gosh, reading the first paragraph, he sounds like someone I know. It's so draining.

I'd be diplomatically honest. In a message. Don't meet him. Then wish him good luck and cut contact

I think if his motivation is truly that he wants honest feedback then it could be a good thing to carefully let him know those reasons. We all think that we know our faults or it must be obvious to people for example that they live in a pigsty - but people can be in denial, not realise how they come across, learn not to ‘see’ how bad a problem like a dirty house is. Maybe it will give him what he needs to be honest with himself and make some positive changes.

Tell him the truth. It will help him in the future. Consider it a good deed!

Also, i wouldnt say the blowing his trumpet made you feel inadequate, id say you wondered what your role was. To be a witness to his superiority?

I wouldn't bother telling him. I'd just say you weren't falling in love with him or something like that. Maybe mention the dirty house might be off-putting too, but I cant see what good would come of providing feedback on his personality now.

@SleepingStandingUp

Is tell him but I'd accept it may end any friendship.

Agree with the shit sandwich.

Look Derek, you're genuinely a decent guy but you don't need to keep telling everyone how great everything you do is, it just comes across as arrogance or insecurity. And is in honest your really could do with s cleaner to come in an help you keep on top of the house. You're kind a funny and I really think the right woman is out there for you "

Agree with this

I agree with PPs. Be honest without being too harsh.

You found him a bragger--and give examples.

You found his place really unclean-give examples.

You find him self-obsessed--give examples.

You can highlight any nice attributes before and after if you want. For instance, you are a great cook but you are unduly boastful. Give example. As PP said, the shit sandwich.

I'd tell him the truth. How else is he supposed to improve himself and find someone? God knows he won't with how he is now. He's probably not that bad a person really, just needs to clean his house and stop with the boasting.

@PeterPomegranate

I think if he’s asked for feedback you don’t have to but you might want to, to help him and any women he dates in future.

Rather than the shot sandwich, have a look at the AID feedback model.

This is not a management issue of feedback. She doesn't have to learn a new model to learn how to give it effectively for her 360 degree feedback session.

Just say it like she said it in the OP. It is perfect.

He's asked so tell him.

It's the shithole thing that gets me, no way a relationship can progress with a man who doesn't know how to keep house. It's like a crystal ball.

I'd provide him some feedback. Probably in a phone call if you can bear it as I wouldn't want to be worried about offended emails coming back. Don't refer to you being made to feel inadequate as it doesn't sound like that was the point.

Perhaps: 'I meant what I said about not being ready, but if I am honest and you really want to know, some factors that influenced my decision were a) your habit of boasting and self aggrandising. Some examples were work and cooking. It's great that you're proud of your skills, but this was quite a tiresome way to show that. B) your house was quite neglected to the point I was needing to bring my own towels. I don't expect perfection but that was quite offputting. You're a lovely guy though and I'm sure can put these things right. You don't need to brag, just let people get to know you, also you deserve to live somewhere nice so why not get a cleaner for some help as I suggested?

I wouldn't engage further than that but if you think he will take the feedback and leave it there then it would be a kind, constructive thing to do if he is struggling to understand why things aren't working out.

In my experience people who say they want the ‘truth’ about whatever it may be, how they are as a human or how they behaved in a relationship, rarely really want it and just ends up with them being upset and causing problems. If you don’t care that it may have repercussions for your ‘friendship’ then go ahead.

The feedback is going to sting whatever you say. Be mindful that he may be continuing your friendship as hope that you may get back together. I am not friends with any exes for this reason, unless they dump me. I have occasionally considered asking an ex who dumped me, when really I know that what I was looking for was reassurance that there is nothing inherently wrong with me. Did you honestly never ever comment on his self obsession or flat when you were together? I imagine he will feel a bit betrayed if you never said a word on it.

Those are the negatives. If you do it, another way aside from shit sandwich would be the coaching GROW model.

Goal Reality Opportunity When

I can see that you really want a relationship to work Dave.

Why do you think they aren't progressing? I know a few things women (men too) look for are confidence, someone taking a genuine interest in them, hardworking, being kind toward others and stability and security. Its a bit difficult to reflect as we broke up a while ago but I do recall sometimes you boasted about xyz, that can sometimes come across as arrogance, there is no need to put others down, I guess if you do that then it raises concerns for women, its fine to talk about your efforts or where you feel lucky in life but a couple of times it came across like you were saying you were showing off and that makes you bit inaccessible. Sometimes your house was a bit messy, which can be off putting. What you could look at is (give a few suggestions of tangible behaviours). If you do those now I am sure you will get there and be right for someone.

If he gets defensive, just go with "to be fair I did bring it up a couple of times" (even if you didn't).

I would leave it at that. Don't offer that those were the reasons as he will fixate on the fact you didn't tell him that before and that will set him back. It is hard enough being told what you are not good at.

I'd try and scale back things like silly memes etc. as personally I don't think it is healthy- if he does get a girlfriend how would they feel that you still message him.

This thread makes me sad.

I don't see why we can't assume this is a man genuinely trying to understand how he went wrong and improve himself for the next person he dates.

Why should we just wash our hands of people we've known and cared about because we split up? Yes he's not OP's employee etc but she said he'd clearly put thought into how he worded his request, it feels the human and indeed the humane response to give him the chance to self improve.

If he becomes an arsehole about it then nevermind, OP did her bit and doesn't need to waste her time on the arsehole any more.

I obviously say this because OP seems to still be vaguely fond of this person and be happy enough to provide feedback.

I just despair at the prickly, unfriendly 'no, don't give him anything' responses.

I am fully of the opinion that women don't exist to be men's support humans, but my reading of this situation is a genuine person who wants to understand where he went wrong.

I've been there before and I really wish the man in question had put 5 minutes of effort into telling me why a relationship which I thought had great potential wasn't the same in his opinion.

Pyongyang's response is good to me.

I am with Loopytiles.

He's not your problem, are you really so keen to hose him down, straighten him out and send him off to the arms of all and sundry?

He had two years to boil wash his festering laundry and run a mop around.

All he is looking for is a pat on the head from you, a side order of "there there my precious, those women are all bitchez....come fuck me and be my fwb....I''ll bring clean bed linen"

Don't get dragged back in!

@NarcissistsEyebrows

This thread makes me sad.

I don't see why we can't assume this is a man genuinely trying to understand how he went wrong and improve himself for the next person he dates.

Why should we just wash our hands of people we've known and cared about because we split up? Yes he's not OP's employee etc but she said he'd clearly put thought into how he worded his request, it feels the human and indeed the humane response to give him the chance to self improve.

If he becomes an arsehole about it then nevermind, OP did her bit and doesn't need to waste her time on the arsehole any more.

I obviously say this because OP seems to still be vaguely fond of this person and be happy enough to provide feedback.

I just despair at the prickly, unfriendly 'no, don't give him anything' responses.

I am fully of the opinion that women don't exist to be men's support humans, but my reading of this situation is a genuine person who wants to understand where he went wrong.

I've been there before and I really wish the man in question had put 5 minutes of effort into telling me why a relationship which I thought had great potential wasn't the same in his opinion.

Pyongyang's response is good to me.

Yes I agree with this… I would stay detached and unemotional about it, not get into any lengthy discussion certainly, but I’d still tell him what your thoughts are and leave it there. If he’s then an arsehole you can say you don’t want to get into it any further and he needs to respect that.

Does he really want to know though? Especially with your examples, he could feel very defensive. If it was something like, you haven’t got a job or you smoke, you can’t argue with that but if he is as conceited as he sounds, he probably won’t accept it. At the least he is likely to be very offended.

If you do want to say something, I think the way sleepingstandingup put it would be best.

NarcissistsEyebrows

I agree . Just because someone is an ex doesn’t mean they don’t merit humanity
I’m
With ya !

I would politely tell him the thruth without getting our a shit sandwich, it’s too confusing, better to be direct. I would tell him that you struggled that his house wasn’t clean enough (a few examples) and that you found that he’s very obsessed with himself and talked about himself and how great he was too much (a few examples) . These two things you found difficult and that’s not what you expected from a partner.
Don’t put colourful words like “filthy” or complicated sentences, just be plain and factual.

Be honest. It won't go well but he asked.

you struggled

you found difficult

So, essentially phrase it in terms of the OP’s inadequacies? Implying that other women may not find these things difficult to live with?

Not sure I agree that pointing out somebodys faults is always a good idea especially in the circumstances you describe. You could mention the messy house. But what you don't want is him saying I've changed can we try again.

I’d tell him. Kindly, And about the household stuff I’d be dead specific ie bedding towels, toilets whatever. If he doesn’t know, he doesn’t know! It will be hard for hm to hear but you would be doing him a service when his next date goes to his sparkling house and thinks “here’s a man who can take care of himself.”