He doesn’t ask me anything…

[Pavesi]

Hi all,

So I’m talking to a guy I met on Hinge, we’ve exchanged numbers and are due to meet on Saturday but he doesn’t really ask me anything.

He will text first (as will I, I’m not into games) and we can chat away but it’s usually in reference to what he’s been up to or the event that we’re going to in the weekend but he hasn’t once asked how my day has been, what I’ve been up to, or any personal things about me.

Are some guys just a bit rubbish when texting? He has been very busy as he’s got a few days off to refurb his house and we’ve still spoken each day but it’s somehow lacking.

It’s put me off the date a little I must admit.

Does anyone have similar experiences or any wisdom to share?

@Heatherjayne1972

I’d bin him and move on When I was OLD I had a few like this Me- so what do you do Him- electrics

Me -how was your day
Him- fine
Etc.

It’s hard work and actually quite boring

New bloke is always asking me things about myself because he’s actually interested in me and understands that conversation is a two way street

Lol, yup, there's loads like this online. I find it fascinating that they would ever get a date responding like this. I play with men like this sometimes if I'm bored, as fodder to discuss with my friends, along the lines of how thoroughly entitled men are. Their profile talks of what they want from a relationship, their chat to see if you can entertain them or not - hang on a minute boys, what am I getting out of being in a relationship with you? No thanks.

*Date, not dare. HAHA

This is not good. Male or female, not showing any interest in the other person is an indication of self absorption and that never ends well. It's also very boring being around someone who talks exclusively about themselves . Dating is all about finding out about each other. Why doesn't he have any curiosity or interest in you? How is he going to find out?

@KILM

I've had several long term relationships spanning 15 years but its only in the last yrlear i realised that every single one of my relationships has either been like this or ends up like this after the initial honeymoon phase (all men) some of them were lovely, but as a PP noted above they were more interested in a woman who made them feel good to fill a woman shaped hole in their life than in me as a person. They behave devastated when you break up but they didnt really know me? Not once has a man asked what my hopes or fears are, or where i want my life to end up. It was an incrediy depressing realisation that has taken a massive hit on my self esteem if im honest, am i just not interesting? I think half the problem is that i DO ask questions, and boost them up, and compliment them on their skills or personality traits rather than just their looks, which leads them to believe we have a deep and meaningful connection, but its all one sided. Sorry... bit of a ramble... id try going on the date and pay attention to this - dont get caught in the trap of trying to fill the conversation - let him do some of the work and see what hes like then.

Yes I agree with you @KILM

Especially about hopes and fears.

I was almost robbed off parenthood by having wasted years in 'going nowhere relationships'. Nobody cared about my dwindling fertility (I was 39) when one guy on OLD told me to "chill"and how I had " plenty of time left" I vaguely mentioned to him what I was looking for!

I'm now a parent and am no longer OLD (child conceived via a sperm donor) and look back on the absolute slog that is OLD ... it's cringe most of it actually...no idea how I managed to bother for 3 years with it and I did meet a couple of nice men but overall it was a monumental waste of time

Just get turned off. Listen to yr gut telling you this isnt what 6ou need.
Dont tell him what you expect because he might be able to fake it for q little while

@Dacquoise

This is not good. Male or female, not showing any interest in the other person is an indication of self absorption and that never ends well. It's also very boring being around someone who talks exclusively about themselves . Dating is all about finding out about each other. Why doesn't he have any curiosity or interest in you? How is he going to find out?

Maybe he's just after a casual thing? Sex? No need to dwell on things!

That sounds grim @Musttryharder2021, hopefully he's made that explicit to the Op rather than waste her time.

My exh was like this (should have seen it as a red flag), we'd been married for over 5 years with a dd, I remember asking him once after another discussion about how little he knew me, what my bosses name was - he didn't know.

Thanks everyone, it was interesting to hear your thoughts and experiences.

For those people asking why I’m “so upset” I’m not upset, just curious. I’m new to OLD and wondered if it was common that people hold back a little on asking questions so there’s more to talk about on the date if you know what I mean.

Conversation has flowed really well, he’s quite funny in his messages, but we’ve mainly talked about his house project (he’s sent photo updates) and the event we’re going to on Saturday.

He’s not as flat as one word answers, if he was I definitely wouldn’t be entertaining it! His messages are fun and lighthearted, but where we’ve talked about his day and how he finished his bathroom tiling or whatever, he hasn’t asked about my day or anything about me for that matter.

Agree it would be a huge red flag if that’s how he is in person… 🚩

He is not asking because the questions havent occured to him...because he is not interested enough to ask. Puts me off.

I have only talked to men on OLD so don’t know if this is only a man thing but the men who don’t ask any questions I have found to be very hard work to converse with, I just really sick of doing the heavy lifting and the ones I met in person, although perfectly nice the conversation continued to be dry and even if they were very attractive I just went off them. Now if someone does not ask questions I tend to not continue the conversation.

Next time he starts talking about what he's doing at the weekend, start talking about what you're doing in the same way and see if he gives you the same kind of interest that you've been giving him over his plans.

Honestly go and meet him.

Some men are awful at text and they have a whole different personality in person. He may not be that invested until he meets you.

People put to many expectations on situations. The whole if he wanted to he would is not that black and white either.

He might just not like texting. I’m seeing someone and he can’t always reply and sometimes he’s not that chatty but in reality he hates texting, he’s drained from work some days.

Meet him and access from there

Some people are just awkward texters, my boyfriend was awful haha

@KILM
I agree. I don't think they care about us the way we care about them.
A relationship is one-sided in how it benefits them.

Most of us have seen those light interviews where the men are asked things about their children and most of them know nothing about them. I was shocked a few didn't know what grade or how old they were.

What interviews are these? Can I watch them somewhere?

Yes it can be a man thing. I’ve been dating someone for 2 months now and I’m seeing him tomorrow and that’s something I’m going to raise, he knows I’m having a tough time right now with finding somewhere to live but he’s not once asked me about it in 2wks. Yet he told me 2wks ago he was falling in love with me! I mean he texts daily, 2-3 messages but none of it’s how are you, have you found somewhere to live etc. I don’t think it means he’s not interested as I know he is, and he gives me 110% attention and conversation when I’m with him. Plus he has full custody of young kids. But still, a message asking how I am wouldn’t go amiss - so I’ll be gently letting him know that I’m a bit upset he’s not checked in on me at all like that in 2wks.

Depends what you want from him. If it's something casual, you don't really need him to be interested in you. But if you're looking for someone long term, my advice would be not to bother dating anybody who doesn't wow you at every turn, right from the off. Love stories with happy endings don't start with 'He wasn't really interested in finding out about me at the beginning, so I had to teach him to sound like he cared about me'.

Do you believe he loves you? Having full custody of your children doesn't mean you don't need to enquire about someone's well being while not with them.

No I don’t believe he loves me as it’s too soon, but I definitely believe he cares for me. I agree that it doesn’t excuse him having kids / working full time etc.

Dad's being asked questions about their kids

Him: “… any way less of me talking about me…..What do you think of me?”

You: Next! 😂😂

Interesting video from Jimmy Kimmel - it's shocking what they don't know but it doesn't surprise me from my experience with online dating!