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Original poster

Can you feel differently after the first date?

103 replies

Redberries85 · 19/03/2022 19:21

Hi all,

I went on a date with a lovely guy we’d been phone calling and texting for a few weeks and very familiar wave length , really got on.

Went in the date today, and again we got on well and I really liked his energy and felt very comfortable around him. Both at same stage of life, mid- teen only child and similar work and outlook on life. Just wasn’t sure if I fancied him. On his Facebook pics which he doesn’t know I’ve seen, he looks lovely and I can see that he could be really attractive but I just didn’t feel it when I was in the date. His beard was overgrown and think he looked quite casual for a date. I know that sounds shallow but it’s just how I felt.

Has anyone had experience of this developing once you spend more time with them or do you think you always need the initial spark?

Thanks, am just curious if other peoples experiences

OP posts:
BabyNo11989 · 19/03/2022 20:50

I always gave it 2/3 dates to see what feelings may be there. People often nervous etc on the first one.

A few times it was just a case of nope, nothing there at all.

One was exactly like you said…he was so lovely but I thought a bit of a scruff like didn’t iron his jeans, hair not done, whereas I’d made a real effort. I don’t think it’s shallow to expect people to try and make a good impression 🤷🏼‍♀️

And one started off the way you described on date 1 and I wasn’t really sure. Lovely, but kind of waiting for that big “spark”…by date number 3 I felt very differently and we are now engaged 😂

He’s the best thing that could have happened to me.

So guess it could go either way OP!

B1rdflyinghigh · 19/03/2022 21:19

Sparks are so important. I'd say after internet dating for 6 years. Ignore and move on. You'll know when you meet the right man.
If he can't be looking his best for you on the first date, then he wasn't so excited about it.

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 19/03/2022 22:32

I’ve just started seeing someone and it’s taken 4 dates, to get going really, on date 3 she came straight from dealing with her horse and was a bit stinky !

Kite22 · 19/03/2022 22:54

I didn't really have fireworks - or even sparks - when dh and I went on our first date. I mean, I thought he was 'nice enough' in an 'okay' sort of way.

We've been together over 30 years and he was definitely the one for me Smile

Notwithittoday · 19/03/2022 23:05

If I found them just ‘ok’ I’d give them 2/3 dates at least. My husband… I just thought he seemed nice enough and then he grew on me

HollowTalk · 19/03/2022 23:09

If someone is kind and intelligent then I would give them a number of chances - unless they smelled of course! There is a limit! If all that's missing a spark then I think it's worth going on a few more dates.

TheBigDilemma · 19/03/2022 23:14

Same here, no fireworks to start with but someway knew they would come as I really admired who he was.

It takes a while to fall in love with someone for their mind/heart/approach to life, but perhaps it us a better option than letting the hormones decide.

Having said that… I would have also been a bit put off if he didn’t make the effort for a date, but wait and see if he ups the game for the next one.

eliybetty · 19/03/2022 23:36

This has happened to me many a time on old. Trust me a your feelings won't change on the second date

RantyAunty · 20/03/2022 04:50

This is exactly why it's best not to spend several weeks talking before you meet.

a few texts, a couple phone calls, facetime, and meet. Shouldn't take more than a few days.

Monty27 · 20/03/2022 04:59

OP he's just being himself. If you go out out he might know how to do it so put him to the test? Arrange something if you CBA 🙂

Original poster
Redberries85 · 20/03/2022 06:39

Thanks everyone, that really helps to hear other stories. We went for a walk so I can see why he dressed casually. I think it was the beard mainly.

I was honest with him, which maybe I shouldn’t have done, but we agreed before that we would be honest either way. He said he’d like to meet again and I said I liked his company and energy but I didn’t feel the initial romantic spark but would like to meet again to see if that develops. He agreed he didn’t feel spark too but we can see with a 2nd date.

Since then his messages are still kind but quite short and he’s pulled back. I’m sensing he was really hoping this would go somewhere and I may have hurt him by being honest. Whoops! Shall I make an effort now or leave it up to him? Should have kept my mouth shut

OP posts:
Musttryharder2021 · 20/03/2022 07:11

@Redberries85

Thanks everyone, that really helps to hear other stories. We went for a walk so I can see why he dressed casually. I think it was the beard mainly.

I was honest with him, which maybe I shouldn’t have done, but we agreed before that we would be honest either way. He said he’d like to meet again and I said I liked his company and energy but I didn’t feel the initial romantic spark but would like to meet again to see if that develops. He agreed he didn’t feel spark too but we can see with a 2nd date.

Since then his messages are still kind but quite short and he’s pulled back. I’m sensing he was really hoping this would go somewhere and I may have hurt him by being honest. Whoops! Shall I make an effort now or leave it up to him? Should have kept my mouth shut

I think he only agreed with you about there not being a spark so he didn't look like a fool.

It takes time to get to know someone and for me the 'spark' is about if I can see myself having sex with them soon. You can't possibly know someone well enough in any meaningful way so soon.

Original poster
Redberries85 · 20/03/2022 07:16

@Musttryharder2021 do you think it’s worth trying still if you don’t have the sexual attraction?
I agree with you, he probably said to keep face.

OP posts:
Musttryharder2021 · 20/03/2022 07:23

[quote Redberries85]@Musttryharder2021 do you think it’s worth trying still if you don’t have the sexual attraction?
I agree with you, he probably said to keep face.[/quote]
Depends what you want out of a relationship: I used to think sexual attraction was a really important factor now in my early 40s with a young child, hormone levels depleted, not so much. As long as I don't find someone repulsive and recoil at their touch (extreme), I would give the relationship a go. And I find something attractive about them as a person. Loyalty, kindness, patience goes much further for example.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 20/03/2022 07:32

I’ve had two second dates with guys I liked
One the spark emerged , oh yes 🙌
One I kissed him but really didn’t feel it so ended it sadly

Thisisworsethananticpated · 20/03/2022 07:33

But honestly if no sexual attraction it’s a slog uphill

Citygirl2019 · 20/03/2022 07:48

I think the mistake you made was agreeing to be honest after one date. I don't think you can really be sure after one meeting.

I had a similar experience with my now DP. Definitely not my type look wise, but he is honestly the kindest and most supportive person I have ever met. I don't think there was an initial attraction, but I've definitely fell in love with him as a person. I wouldn't change a thing about him.

Original poster
Redberries85 · 20/03/2022 08:00

@Citygirl2019 how do you think o can rectify this as I realised I made a mistake being so honest Confused

OP posts:
Eesha · 20/03/2022 08:04

@Redberries85 you could keep in touch then meet up again and see if you knew for sure? Personally I hold my cards close and wouldn't be as honest as you were. Purely because I know I have a tendency to change my mind

gingerhills · 20/03/2022 08:24

I don't think you necessarily get the spark on day 1 because people aren't fully themselves on first dates. The spark can come when someone makes a dry joke in a difficult situation or you see how they interact with an animal.A sudden flash of the essence of the person.

Sometimes the spark on a first date is just sexual attraction and doesn't really indicate a stronger long term connection. I'd always give it two or three dates if you like the man but are not sure after one meeting.

Loopytiles · 20/03/2022 08:31

Agree with the PP saying don’t invest much time at all on communications before meeting up in person.

I strongly dislike beards, and especially ‘unkempt’ ones. That could well stop me fancying someone I’d otherwise be attracted to! But it’d obviously be U to say that upfront.

As you liked him otherwise might suggest another meet up, eg for a coffee or lunch.

iwishu · 20/03/2022 08:33

Stop worrying about this one so much, there will be plenty of opportunity to date men you do fancy. Leave it be and don't false anything, if you both decide another date, great, if you don't then it's probably for the best by the sound of it.

I understand the beard thing though, I once dated a guy, nice looking in pictures but in person his beard was patchy, it just gave me ick, silly reason, but I did go on another date to be sure and still, and like you I did say the spark wasn't there, but he was still keen to meet again. I wasn't feeling it, I should of trusted my first thoughts, the attraction wasn't there.

crimsonlake · 20/03/2022 10:45

That elusive spark is like looking for the holy grail.
I got to the stage where I would agree to a second date as I know I am terribly picky...probably looking for something in my older years which does not exist and to give someone a chance when nerves may have gotten in the way.
Tbh that has not worked and more recently I met someone for a third date and nothing changed on my part.
In my experience if you do agree to a second date the men I meet seem to think this is actually going to go somewhere, then it is all the worse to let them down.

Loopytiles · 20/03/2022 11:58

It’s not ‘letting down’ anyone to agree to a second date then decide to go no further.

Original poster
Redberries85 · 20/03/2022 21:59

Feeling quite regretful now and realised that it was different from what I’m used to, as in he is a gentleman and a very calm soul with no drama. He messaged me today after my confession yesterday saying although he really liked me as a person too, he doesn’t think it could be anything more than friendship and doesn’t think that will change. I said I’d still like to meet as friends soon and he said we can in April, if I’d like to. Am missing the communication and wish I would have kept my mouth shut as would have liked to see him sooner. Ah well you live and learn. Thanks for everyone’s responses, taught me a lesson to not jump to conclusions too soon

OP posts:
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