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Original poster

Can you feel differently after the first date?

103 replies

Redberries85 · 19/03/2022 19:21

Hi all,

I went on a date with a lovely guy we’d been phone calling and texting for a few weeks and very familiar wave length , really got on.

Went in the date today, and again we got on well and I really liked his energy and felt very comfortable around him. Both at same stage of life, mid- teen only child and similar work and outlook on life. Just wasn’t sure if I fancied him. On his Facebook pics which he doesn’t know I’ve seen, he looks lovely and I can see that he could be really attractive but I just didn’t feel it when I was in the date. His beard was overgrown and think he looked quite casual for a date. I know that sounds shallow but it’s just how I felt.

Has anyone had experience of this developing once you spend more time with them or do you think you always need the initial spark?

Thanks, am just curious if other peoples experiences

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 20/03/2022 22:43

You were honest and said what you felt
He got hurt feelings
I wouldn’t dwell too hard
Or have a ‘friend meeting ‘ April and pounce if you fancy him

Anon778833 · 20/03/2022 22:46

This is the problem with online dating because a still picture that you see online can’t give you an accurate representation of the person in 3D and it also can’t measure what chemistry there is or isn’t between you.

Aubree17 · 20/03/2022 22:53

My experience is I always knew when it was a no, but took several dates to be sure about the yes dates!

Always28 · 20/03/2022 22:58

I know this one seems to now be over, but just in case it’s helpful for future dates and reference - I’ve had first dates where I’ve felt a spark, but I’ve also had a first date where I wasn’t sure I fancied him, but did want to see him again, and I ended up falling for him and having a 6 month relationship. I always knew if it was a definite no, but if it wasn’t, I tended to go on another date or two and see how it went. Sometimes a spark developed or sometimes it didn’t, but I always knew when I just didn’t want to keep seeing them.

I’m now 3 years in and very happy with someone who I did feel that initial spark with on the first date!

Always28 · 20/03/2022 23:00

I’ve just re-read and realised you may meet in April. I think just see what happens and if he stays in touch and that second date materialises. But I think you were really lovely being honest - more honest than I would have probably had courage to be. You definitely didn’t need to do anything differently.

Anthurium · 21/03/2022 02:25

Nobody likes being an option to the other person. Good on him.

Why are you so keen on meeting up in April as 'friends'?

Original poster
Redberries85 · 21/03/2022 07:33

@Anthurium I asked if we could still meet again and he suggested April just as friends. He knows he’s not just an option as I’ve deleted the app anyway. I also told him I regretted making such a sweeping statement so soon. I agree with you, good for him for standing up for himself and not jumping back at the chance, he’s acted with self-respect. I’ll just see what happens when we catch up in April and the pressure is off as we’re just going as friends. I’m just annoyed at myself, as I dint think I’ve ever met someone who I’ve had instant sparks with so I’m not sure why I thought this time should have been different.

OP posts:
Jellybellyfun88 · 21/03/2022 07:46

Don’t worry and beat yourself up about this OP
He genuinely may not have fancied you either
I find with men, if they want you, they’ll chase you

99pronouns · 21/03/2022 07:59

Yes I agree, if he really wanted you (as opposed to a bunk up with anyone) he will be trying to prove he is worth getting to know.

Honestly the chances are you're not for each other, most 1st dates don't profess into decent long term relationships, so don't worry about it.

Re-install the apps and get back out there.

gannett · 21/03/2022 08:04

Sounds like you've worked this out OP, but if you're thinking someone is a maybe rather than outright yes or no, probably best to keep that to yourself. You don't need to update them on your feelings from date to date. If I was told that someone hadn't felt any spark but wanted to be friends, I'd take that as letting me down gently but still a no. And so would most of the men I know, despite the bollocks MNers always come out with about how "if a man wants you he'll chase you". Most men I know would hopefully take a no as no, and back off out of respect.

TheBigDilemma · 21/03/2022 08:47

@99pronouns

Yes I agree, if he really wanted you (as opposed to a bunk up with anyone) he will be trying to prove he is worth getting to know.

Honestly the chances are you're not for each other, most 1st dates don't profess into decent long term relationships, so don't worry about it.

Re-install the apps and get back out there.

Probably he did but you wouldn’t be telling a woman to go and chase a man if he already said he was not that interested, why would a man be expected to do the same when a woman has already said “thanks, but no thanks”???

If he insists he is not respecting her boundaries, if he wants something more than “bunk up” he should??? Nope, she said no and that’s the end of it I am afraid.

Jellybellyfun88 · 21/03/2022 09:03

No, but from my many years experience of dating, it’s the man who wants to take the lead and if they’re interested enough, they will pursue
Sadly the same rules don’t generally apply to men and women
Maybe he was put out, but changes are he was lukewarm, and unsure too, and thought ‘why bother’ when he realises his date is also not that keen

Jellybellyfun88 · 21/03/2022 09:03

I just don’t want OP regretting or dwelling
Plenty more fish in the sea!

ravenmum · 21/03/2022 09:48

In my experience, an initial spark is not especially/just about appearance. I did OLD in my late 40s - average men that age mostly being balding/grey, some overweight, with bags under their eyes etc. Obviously some exceptions, but few people our age are instantly stunning.
However, at the same time, the ones I went on to date for longer were definitely extra interesting from the start. Some thing they said or did, or something about the way they carried themself that made them stand out. When I did have a second date with people who looked good "on paper" (siimilar interests, full head of hair!) but weren't especially memorable otherwise, the second date just confirmed that they weren't that interesting.
Even so, I'd only use the "no spark" line at the end of the first date if it was a definite no.

Watch out for second-guessing yourself now just because he's skilfully turned it into a "just as friends" meeting, though! Make sure you're not only interested because he's framing himself as unavailable.

Original poster
Redberries85 · 21/03/2022 16:54

No, from our conversations he’s very strong on women’s boundaries so I don’t think he would chase anyway. In my original message after the date, I said I wasn’t sure if there was a romantic spark but maybe we can see if that develops. He was still willing to try at a second date at that point too and agreed let’s just see if it comes as we have some many good things in our favour.

So I thought I’d kept it quite open but it obviously hurt him as that’s when the next day he said he needed the day to think things through. Perhaps his friends told him that I’ve friend zoned him or something.

There must be something still there if he’s willing to meet as friends as don’t know why he’d bother otherwise.

I really need to work on not being so honest, my mum is German so I grew up with that instilled in me, but it really doesn’t work in British society!! It’s bit me so many times over the years Confused

OP posts:
Cuddlemuffin · 21/03/2022 16:59

I think you should go on the second date. Maybe the thing that put you off is that you felt he would have put more effort in with his appearance for a date if he wa ted to impress you. Try and see past it and see how a second date goes but if you do actually see it going somewhere the. Make sure you let him know. It might be worth telling him you haven't friend zoned him and definitely want to see him again (if you do!) so that his ego doesn't take over and lead to him pulling away x

m00rfarm · 21/03/2022 17:07

To the poster who said that you should move on as they have been online dating for 6 years, I suggest you do not follow their advice as they are clearly not that successful for whatever reason! From a personal point of view, the ones that took two or three dates to find the spark were definitely more worthwhile than the instant attraction ones

Original poster
Redberries85 · 21/03/2022 19:50

Thank You so much all, I think general consensus is feelings can grow. Hopefully he’ll be willing to catch up and we’ll see what happens. At least the pressure is off for both of us now and a friend meet up can just see whether there is anything more but with no expectations. I will definitely let him know if my feelings do develop though

OP posts:
Gonnagetgoing · 21/03/2022 20:45

I usually gave it 2-3 dates but sometimes they grow on you. One man I realised his hair was receding or bald more than in his photo and he actually said something very strange but I liked him apart from that so we had 2-3 more dates.

I’m actually finding myself going off the man I’ve been dating for the past month and am wondering if it’s me or him.

Gonnagetgoing · 21/03/2022 20:45

Past 5 months I mean!

Original poster
Redberries85 · 21/03/2022 20:47

@Gonnagetgoing what’s happening with your guy? What’s putting you off?

Yes I should have given it a few more dates, he’s gone quiet on me so I’ve probably ruined it Hmm

OP posts:
Jellybellyfun88 · 21/03/2022 20:53

When men say they're not interested, they're not interested. Sorry OP. I am really not trying to be unkind. I've just learnt the hard way over the many years that they tend not to think like us women at all.

Get back online dating and get some more dates lined up with others!

Original poster
Redberries85 · 21/03/2022 21:01

Thanks @Jellybellyfun88 I appreciate the honesty. Yes you’re right, I’ll just leave it now

OP posts:
Jellybellyfun88 · 21/03/2022 21:09

Chances are VERY low that he was going to be for you. Move on. If you meet as friends, and something develops, great. But don’t expect it. Talk to as many men as you can. It’s a numbers game! Good luck Flowers

WaverleyOwl · 21/03/2022 21:11

I've not read the other answers on purpose. This could be relevant. Or not.

I met my husband through a friend. She thought we'd hit it off. We arranged a blind date after texting a lot. It was...okay. He was alright. The date wasn't stellar.

I agreed to a second date, and it was better.

The next date was better than that.

I gave him a chance and we've been married since 2006. He's still the same unassuming idiot that I met then. I'm still the same weird anti-dating person I was then.

Not sure if this will help, but here it is...

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