Page 3 | Can you feel differently after the first date?

Redberries85 · 2022-03-19T19:21:35+00:00

Hi all, I went on a date with a lovely guy we’d been phone calling and texting for a few weeks and very familiar wave length , really got on. Went in the date today, and again we got on well and I really liked his energy and felt very comfortable around him. Both at same stage of life, mid- teen only child and similar work and outlook on life. Just wasn’t sure if I fancied him. On his Facebook pics which he doesn’t know I’ve seen, he looks lovely and I can see that he could be really attractive but I just didn’t feel it when I was in the date. His beard was overgrown and think he looked quite casual for a date. I know that sounds shallow but it’s just how I felt. Has anyone had experience of this developing once you spend more time with them or do you think you always need the initial spark? Thanks, am just curious if other peoples experiences

dotdotdotdash · 21/03/2022 21:19

I think it's worth a couple more dates if you are getting along and the conversation is good. After the first date with my current boyfriend, I felt zero attraction and was thinking he might like to meet my friend (who was also single) as I thought lovely chap but don't fancy him.

I completely changed my tune two dates later and couldn't wait to snog him - six months later, we're very happy and the chemistry is most definitely there!

2022IamHavingYa · 21/03/2022 21:26

I agree it can grow. This year I’ve been on 4 first dates. The first 3 were definitely a no from the second we met. The last one, who wasn’t particularly good looking, has so far been great! We just clicked, could talk all day, so much in common and his company is great. By date 3 I was starting to fancy him and then he kissed me and the sparks flew. He is the best kisser I have ever kissed. We had a great afternoon last Friday with a walk, a drink and then back to mine.
It’s definitely personality that won me over but there’s a definite sexual attraction now too

dotdotdotdash · 21/03/2022 21:28

Hope it continues to go well @2022IamHavingYa!!!

2022IamHavingYa · 21/03/2022 21:33

@dotdotdotdash

Hope it continues to go well *@2022IamHavingYa*!!!

Thank you!

Original poster

Redberries85 · 21/03/2022 21:42

That all sounds really promising so lovely to hear it can work out even if you don’t have the initial chemistry. Will wait to see it our friend date materialises… I’ll keep you posted but will not be making same mistake again. I knew I wanted to see him but I didn’t understand why I didn’t fancy him - arghhh. At least I’m more clued up from hearing other peoples experiences

OP posts:

WisherWood · 21/03/2022 21:52

It takes a while to fall in love with someone for their mind/heart/approach to life, but perhaps it us a better option than letting the hormones decide.

Took me a while to fall for my current partner. I was always interested in him as a person but it took me a while to realise I was attracted to him. And yes, I made a much better decision with my heart and mind than I ever did with my hormones alone! Been with him a few years now and it's great. I'm more attracted to him than I've been to anyone else, it just took a little while.

Just meet up again OP and spend time in his company. See what happens. Don't decide whether you want a relationship or how attracted you are, or aren't. Just decide whether you want to see him again. It's easy enough for someone to shave off a beard.

Gonnagetgoing · 22/03/2022 09:52

[quote Redberries85]@Gonnagetgoing what’s happening with your guy? What’s putting you off?

Yes I should have given it a few more dates, he’s gone quiet on me so I’ve probably ruined it [/quote]
@Redberries85 - well I do tend to get bored quickly lol which sounds immature.

I also prefer lots of attention.

He mostly comes to my place but I’ve been to his a few times but I think now, I look at it and it’s so small, cluttered etc! I couldn’t live there.

Gonnagetgoing · 22/03/2022 09:54

The thing I don’t like about him is the other day when I was round his he was pawing at me on the sofa, that’s slightly off putting. Like the last film we went to the cinema to see he spent ages trying to get me to kiss him but I wanted to see the film!

SartresSoul · 22/03/2022 10:09

In this situation I’d give it a second chance and if you still have doubts after the second date, drop him.

I dated someone when I was much younger who turned up very late to the first date sporting a black eye from the night before. I thought he was a prick at that point but actually got on with him during the date. He invited his friends to sit with us when they walked into the bar so I made excuses and left after a bit, it was just really awkward. I still gave him a second chance and had a much nicer second date with him, we dated for a while and got on well.

Sometimes you just have to give them a second shot and see what happens.

Derelicthome · 22/03/2022 10:35

It took five dates for me.
I had set myself a deadline that if I didn’t feel anything by the fifth date than I was going to break it off as I didn’t want to lead him on.
He was perfect in every way but I didn’t think he was physically attractive.
Because I wanted it to work, I spent the date analysing his features individually (like his nose, eyes) and realised I didn’t dislike anything and by the end I genuinely found him attractive.
Sorry if that makes no sense!

zonky · 22/03/2022 12:32

I think it all depends how many 'options' you have in life. Good looking people can be picky whereas the not so good looking ones don't and consider themselves fortunate anyone does find them attractive so they don't think 'oh I need a spark' they think grab this as who knows when the next opportunity will come!...So the more options you have the pickier you will be...

ravenmum · 22/03/2022 13:23

I've never been good looking, but also never felt like I was lucky anyone found me attractive. Dp is subjectively fat, balding with terrible teeth, but I fancy the pants off him. He's got this sexy deep voice, smells amazing and can shake me out of a bad mood in seconds. If I fancy a man some people probably think of as unattractive, why would he or another man not fancy me? If there was no spark, I could't sleep with someone. Do people force themselves to sleep with men they don't fancy just because they don't get many offers? I guess some might, but if so, I'd urge them to look into counselling as it must be very traumatic.

Musttryharder2021 · 22/03/2022 14:27

@ravenmum

I've never been good looking, but also never felt like I was lucky anyone found me attractive. Dp is subjectively fat, balding with terrible teeth, but I fancy the pants off him. He's got this sexy deep voice, smells amazing and can shake me out of a bad mood in seconds. If I fancy a man some people probably think of as unattractive, why would he or another man not fancy me? If there was no spark, I could't sleep with someone. Do people force themselves to sleep with men they don't fancy just because they don't get many offers? I guess some might, but if so, I'd urge them to look into counselling as it must be very traumatic.

There you go he would not an option for a good looking woman but was attractive to you! Because we all tend to settle usually for our physical equal.

Xfan · 22/03/2022 14:31

The terrible teeth would be a huge turn off, how awful to have to kiss that but I have options so can choose men who are kind, loyal, good looking, and have a great set of teeth. No need to compromise!

ravenmum · 22/03/2022 15:59

we all tend to settle usually for our physical equal
Very much so but that doesn't mean I have such reduced options that I will take the first idiot that will have me, or that we don't fancy one another. In their 50s very few men are George Clooneys.

ravenmum · 22/03/2022 15:59

To be fair, he does brush his teeth, and is a skilled kisser!

Original poster

Redberries85 · 22/03/2022 19:32

I don’t mean to sound up myself but I did feel like he looked older than his years and was stooped over. I look younger than my age and I’m sporty so it just felt like physically we were a bit different. He had a lovely kind face and way of being but perhaps it’s just time to accept this isn’t going anywhere. He hasn’t replied to message since yesterday so I think I’ll chalk this one up to experience… he seemed keen to meet as friends in April but obviously he’s changed his mind or is pulling back. He wasn’t an active dater and I think I was his first date in a long time

OP posts:

TheBigDilemma · 22/03/2022 21:46

@Xfan

The terrible teeth would be a huge turn off, how awful to have to kiss that

but I have options so can choose men who are kind, loyal, good looking, and have a great set of teeth. No need to compromise!

Not only missed the point but took advantage of being nasty to boot…

TheBigDilemma · 22/03/2022 22:06

*we all tend to settle usually for our physical equal

After years searching for who we thought was our equal in our minds!

I have found OLD fascinating as most people are looking for the “equal” to what they were 20 years ago or equals to the ideal they aim to be.

So many people claiming to have certain hobbies they have not practiced in years, low earning divorced women looking for rich professional guys, older divorced men looking for girls years and years younger or people looking for people that look far better/slimmer/stylish than what they actually can offer themselves these days…

ravenmum · 23/03/2022 08:26

Oh, I read "settle" as "settle on someone", as in "choose someone" :) I haven't "settled" in the meaning of "settle for a mildly disappointing partner", if that was the implication. Sure, a gorgeous millionaire philanthropist sex god and national treasure who idolised me and had a full set of teeth would have been great, but the poor souls like me that have to do without can still find someone they actively fancy and want to be with.

TheBigDilemma · 23/03/2022 08:37

To be honest Ravensmum, I think you have nailed it, you have a better chance to end up in a happy relationship when you are focused on what is important to you.

I had the handsome high flyer, who earned a lot, helped with the house chores and always woke me up with a cup of coffee but… he turned to be a very selfish man as soon as we had a child and a psycho after we divorced.

Nowadays I am much happier with someone who makes me laugh, can keep long interesting conversations and has his heart in the right place. Long gone are the days of Michelin starred restaurants and spending regular weekends jumping from a boat for a good swim in the Mediterranean, but I am so much happier. Some people think I am crazy but I am not living my life to impress anyone.

ravenmum · 23/03/2022 10:26

@Redberries85

I don’t mean to sound up myself but I did feel like he looked older than his years and was stooped over. I look younger than my age and I’m sporty so it just felt like physically we were a bit different. He had a lovely kind face and way of being but perhaps it’s just time to accept this isn’t going anywhere. He hasn’t replied to message since yesterday so I think I’ll chalk this one up to experience… he seemed keen to meet as friends in April but obviously he’s changed his mind or is pulling back. He wasn’t an active dater and I think I was his first date in a long time

I wouldn't see your response as being too honest, by the way. If you didn't want a second date, of course it's not "too honest" to say so. Maybe you are a bit impulsive, make decisions you regret later? But really, it sounds in this case as if you were actually put off by his appearance, which is more than just not feeling an instant spark, isn't it?

Everydaydayisaschoolday · 23/03/2022 11:30

@Kite22

I didn't really have fireworks - or even sparks - when dh and I went on our first date. I mean, I thought he was 'nice enough' in an 'okay' sort of way.

We've been together over 30 years and he was definitely the one for me

I came on to say the exact same thing. I turned him down the first time he asked because I didn't fancy him. I regretted it the next day because he had been so pleasant so I engineered an opportunity for him to ask again. Even then there were no sparks but he was nice and we had similar cultural backgrounds and he made me laugh so I saw him again. Around about the 5th or 6th date something clicked and I fancied him like mad. We've been married 35 years now.

MangshorJhol · 23/03/2022 11:40

The other way around, I'm pretty sure DH didn't fancy me straight up. I asked him out after we were friends for a while and he said, 'can I think about this and stay friends?' So we did (and he didn't pull back), and then a few weeks later he told me that one day in the future he would really like to marry me. (Context: we were 21/22 and exceptionally geeky...). He also told me that when I was ready to get married, I should propose to him and he would happily say yes. I did 'propose' 6 years later, he said yes. We've been together for 20 years. If I am very honest, I'm pretty sure I wasn't DH's type to begin with. But we got on incredibly well, we were the best of friends, and the rest came with time. I'm reasonably confident that he still fancies me!

Musttryharder2021 · 23/03/2022 12:51

@TheBigDilemma

To be honest Ravensmum, I think you have nailed it, you have a better chance to end up in a happy relationship when you are focused on what is important to you.

I had the handsome high flyer, who earned a lot, helped with the house chores and always woke me up with a cup of coffee but… he turned to be a very selfish man as soon as we had a child and a psycho after we divorced.

Nowadays I am much happier with someone who makes me laugh, can keep long interesting conversations and has his heart in the right place. Long gone are the days of Michelin starred restaurants and spending regular weekends jumping from a boat for a good swim in the Mediterranean, but I am so much happier. Some people think I am crazy but I am not living my life to impress anyone.

Yes but you got to experience the top 10% man , did you have children with him?

It's interesting how you only got to understand what was important in life once you've had a relationship with a man of high quality.