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Original poster

Can you feel differently after the first date?

103 replies

Redberries85 · 19/03/2022 19:21

Hi all,

I went on a date with a lovely guy we’d been phone calling and texting for a few weeks and very familiar wave length , really got on.

Went in the date today, and again we got on well and I really liked his energy and felt very comfortable around him. Both at same stage of life, mid- teen only child and similar work and outlook on life. Just wasn’t sure if I fancied him. On his Facebook pics which he doesn’t know I’ve seen, he looks lovely and I can see that he could be really attractive but I just didn’t feel it when I was in the date. His beard was overgrown and think he looked quite casual for a date. I know that sounds shallow but it’s just how I felt.

Has anyone had experience of this developing once you spend more time with them or do you think you always need the initial spark?

Thanks, am just curious if other peoples experiences

OP posts:
Musttryharder2021 · 23/03/2022 12:53

*Yes you did have a child. He must have been attractive enough with his resources to begin with obviously!

ravenmum · 23/03/2022 13:00

he turned to be a very selfish man as soon as we had a child and a psycho after we divorced
How is that a man of high quality?

Xfan · 23/03/2022 13:02

@ravenmum

Of course your options aren't reduced because there are far more unattractive people around than attractive ones!

Off topic, how does your partner end up with terrible teeth if he brushes them? Is he a smoker? Bad genetics? Still his hygiene can't be that good...

MrsGHarrison87 · 23/03/2022 13:04

I always knew if the potential was there to fancy them. Like with some I just knew it was never going to happen and the thought of kissing and doing stuff with them repulsed me. But with my husband, I didn't full on fancy him at first but I thought he was attractive and the more I got to know him the more I liked him. Then one night we were talking and the way he said something just made my stomach flip over and since then I fancied him like mad. So I would give it more than one date.

ravenmum · 23/03/2022 13:09

Smoker, genetics and age!

gogohm · 23/03/2022 13:15

I think you get a gut instinct for these things. Dp looked older in real life but he doesn't as even nicer in the flesh overall, we really hit it off (we had over the phone to be honest) he had already deleted his online dating profile before we met up, I deleted mine in the car park before I drove home. We have a house now Grin

Give it another date, and see what the overall package is, looks aren't everything

Opentooffers · 23/03/2022 13:20

I think he said April with an expectation that there will be time for it to fizzle out before then. It's possible he just wanted time really to consider if he should persue it or cut his losses, and he's decided now on reflection that he's better off moving on.
You're probably just thinking more of him because he retreated fully before you were ready to.

Musttryharder2021 · 23/03/2022 13:20

@ravenmum

he turned to be a very selfish man as soon as we had a child and a psycho after we divorced How is that a man of high quality?
Money, status, power are very desirable qualities in men by some women
HeDidWhattt · 23/03/2022 13:21

3rd date is when you know really. They kind of get more handsomer….or is it the drinks flow more? 😂

ravenmum · 23/03/2022 13:24

Money, status, power are very desirable qualities in men by some women
Selfishness and psychotic behaviour are very undesirable qualities in men by many women.
What's your point?

Musttryharder2021 · 23/03/2022 14:01

@ravenmum

Money, status, power are very desirable qualities in men by some women Selfishness and psychotic behaviour are very undesirable qualities in men by many women. What's your point?
The poster chose this man to have a child with. What he turned out to be later wasn't to be predicted. The point is she didn't choose an unattractive low earning man, she chose a high flyer
ravenmum · 23/03/2022 14:08

What's that got to do with my question "How is that a man of high quality", though?

Oz21 · 23/03/2022 14:10

Hi,
Recently my husband and I have not been getting on so well. It’s been hard juggling a new baby, cooking and all the housework. My husband is doing a masters as well as work and time is very limited . He’s very good with our baby and does try to help with him as much as he can but not so good with the housework- cooking etc.
We haven’t really been talking the last few days and this morning I told him I was bringing the baby out as he sleeps better in the car ( he works from home) .
I was gone for 3hrs 45mins - home for lunch time .
I returned home to an angry husband as he said he was worried and I didn’t contact. He didn’t even message or try to call me. I had my phone on my the whole time. Am I right to be upset? Does he have the right to be annoyed if he didn’t try to make contact?

TheBigDilemma · 23/03/2022 14:32

@ravenmum

he turned to be a very selfish man as soon as we had a child and a psycho after we divorced How is that a man of high quality?
Well, we couldn’t be more equal if we tried back then, we both had the same income, were highly educated, had a similar upbringing, were very career oriented and had similar goals. He is very intelligent and I am a sucker for clever people. He treated me like a princess both before and after we married. The fact that he was also handsome came as a total bonus.

I am very low maintenance myself and enjoy my independence as much as he did his, so I didn’t realise how selfish he was until we got a child and needed to consider the needs of the baby. How things went down after baby arrived took us all, even his own mother, by surprise.

But back to what is important, what I meant is, at some point you realise some important things are quite superfluous, for example I no longer need someone who speaks at least 3 languages so he can integrate in my group, what I need is someone who knows how to speak to me Grin

TheBigDilemma · 23/03/2022 14:40

@Musttryharder2021, I just didn’t want to settle for less than what I had myself, I had money, status and a little bit more power, which I prefer to call influence at work than my ex.

Having said that, having money, power and status is not necessarily a red flag. Many high achievers are excellent husbands and parents, very much like those who have not been that lucky.

Musttryharder2021 · 23/03/2022 15:01

[quote TheBigDilemma]@Musttryharder2021, I just didn’t want to settle for less than what I had myself, I had money, status and a little bit more power, which I prefer to call influence at work than my ex.

Having said that, having money, power and status is not necessarily a red flag. Many high achievers are excellent husbands and parents, very much like those who have not been that lucky.[/quote]
Exactly you had options.You could have gone for a less of an alpha make but you didn't...not all women can get alpha males..they get low level men.

Sorry to hear he turned out to be a poor partner.

Musttryharder2021 · 23/03/2022 15:05

@ravenmum

What's that got to do with my question "How is that a man of high quality", though?
High quality is judged by resources, assets and education. I hope that's clear?
TheBigDilemma · 23/03/2022 15:32

I think you are totally wrong there @Musttryharder2021, low level men??? Wtf? That is very disrespectful to wonderful man who may have not been as lucky when it comes to finances but who have plenty of attributes. By the same token, do you think all women married to rich guys are gold diggers??? I don’t.

Musttryharder2021 · 23/03/2022 15:47

@TheBigDilemma

I think you are totally wrong there *@Musttryharder2021*, low level men??? Wtf? That is very disrespectful to wonderful man who may have not been as lucky when it comes to finances but who have plenty of attributes. By the same token, do you think all women married to rich guys are gold diggers??? I don’t.
Women with options go for men who are "well rounded" usually. There may be exceptions but usually it follows a similar trend.

Low level men : low earnings, low aspirations, no assets, low educational attainment, socially awkward, unattractive.

ravenmum · 23/03/2022 15:57

High quality is judged by resources, assets and education. I hope that's clear?
Well, it was already clear that your definition of "quality" was different to mine, which is fine :) But I'm still surprised to see you defending your appraisal of a selfish psycho as being a high-quality partner. You don't subtract any points for major personality flaws that may reveal themselves after you've spotted the obvious superficial pluses?

ravenmum · 23/03/2022 15:59

(Or add points for men who are average in terms of monetary assets or power, but possess high-quality cultural capital?)

Musttryharder2021 · 23/03/2022 16:06

@ravenmum

High quality is judged by resources, assets and education. I hope that's clear? Well, it was already clear that your definition of "quality" was different to mine, which is fine :) But I'm still surprised to see you defending your appraisal of a selfish psycho as being a high-quality partner. You don't subtract any points for major personality flaws that may reveal themselves after you've spotted the obvious superficial pluses?
He was before he turned psycho - that's why he was chosen
Musttryharder2021 · 23/03/2022 16:09

@ravenmum

(Or add points for men who are average in terms of monetary assets or power, but possess high-quality cultural capital?)
What is "high quality cultural capital"? This usually goes hand in hand with money. You mean they have heard of Mona Lisa but haven't actually been to Paris? They have heard of sushi but haven't tried it (too expensive to eat that!). They know where the Alps are but have never tried skiing. Or, they know they way round a Wetherspoon's lol?
ravenmum · 23/03/2022 16:29

Is going to Paris or eating sushi expensive where you live? :)

What can you do with this particular definition of a "high-quality man"? What is it good for? I'm curious. I can see that it could help identify men who are more likely to attract women despite being dickheads, but is that purely for the purposes of social research?

Musttryharder2021 · 23/03/2022 16:35

@ravenmum

Is going to Paris or eating sushi expensive where you live? :)

What can you do with this particular definition of a "high-quality man"? What is it good for? I'm curious. I can see that it could help identify men who are more likely to attract women despite being dickheads, but is that purely for the purposes of social research?

You seem to have comprehension issues so I'll leave it here.
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