What do I do now?

[Constressa]

Don’t know what to do. Dh and teen Ds have had a volatile relationship for years now. Both are very impulsive. I try to be the buffer zone in between them as much as possible but it doesn’t always work out.
Last night ds was angry and threw his jumper at dh, accidentally breaking a glass. Dh got angry and between them the situation escalated. Dh said some horrible things in a nasty way and ds slapped him in the face. Dh then retaliated and they fought. Me and dd tried to separate them. Then dh got ds on the floor, he was holding around his head/neck. We tried to pull him off. Dd was shouting that ds couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t see how dh was holding ds. We managed to separate them and got them in different rooms. Dh kept on ranting angrily for ages saying it was all ds fault and that I’d created a monster in ds by the way I parent him. He compared him to Putin and said he wished he’d never been born.
Ds stayed quietly out of the way in the other room. After a while dh went to bed. Dd had a panic attack and ds was angry, upset and hurt. Eventually I calmed them and got them to bed.
This morning dh made kids breakfast and got uniform ready as usual. I said we needed to have a conversation. Dh said there’s nothing to talk about.

You leave, and get your children away from your abusive husband.

I'm so sorry. Your husband needs to leave. However your son was behaving, as an adult your husband's job is to deescalate the situation. Instead he has been physically and verbally abusive. It's not physically or psychologically safe for your kids to live with him.

I recommend you seek support from domestic violence charities.

Of course he said there's nothing to talk about, he'll not want to face up to and take responsibility for his actions.

I can understand that your DS pushed your DH's buttons but your DH should not have reacted like that. He could have killed him. He is the adult.

Then he tried to blame you for it all. What a surprise.

What is your instinct telling you?

I feel for you! This sounds like a very horrible situation for you to be in! Have you tried going to family therapy to try and medicate? Also get everyone’s feeling out?

Are you joking? Your husband assaulted your son, in front of your daughter who then had a panic attack, you need to put your children first and tell him to leave!

I acknowledged that ds shouldn’t have done what he did to start it. Dh claimed that he was de-escalating the situation by leaving the room. He was leaving but at the same time shouting at ds, saying with relish in his voice that he couldn’t wait to see ds fail and die as an adult because he wouldn’t survive long without his mummy holding his hand all the time.
It’s not fucking great is it but dh will tell me that I’m the one in the wrong. He argues his point so strongly and always manages to shut me up (but not convince me) I’ve just realised what a terrible father he is. How can I be in a relationship with someone who says that kind of thing to their child, let alone my child.
And then he gets up and makes porridge and irons shirts and goes to work like nothing has happened.

@MumOfTeenAndToddler

I feel for you! This sounds like a very horrible situation for you to be in! Have you tried going to family therapy to try and medicate? Also get everyone’s feeling out?

^ This ultimatum Or your husband needs to leave before the police get called.

You need a serious family intervention.

I completely agree that the children’s safety is the most important thing!

We have had help from social services but honestly they did not improve the situation. Ds is a very challenging child, I appreciate that.
I found a psychologist who really helped by finally convincing dh to try the strategies of been using myself for years (these are the ones that dh always said was ‘creating a monster’). We have had a long period of calmness.
Now dh’s mum is very ill so I can appreciate he’s struggling and have cut him some slack accordingly but it’s not an excuse for this behaviour.

I called the police once about the violence between the two of them. The woman on the phone was incredibly dismissive and bluntly said there was nothing that could be done even though I said I feared for myself and dd.

How old is your son?

Wow op you have a dh problem here.

Kids can really push the limits especially if they are volatile themselves but that is not ok behaviour and definitely not acceptable

You need to tell dh he is not to come home while you work out how to deal with the situation.

Nobody should have to live in such a volatile and tense situation it's anusive and the venom your dh shouted at your son is disgusting.

It doesn't matter how much stress he's under don't make excuses for his behaviour.

I would run a mile with my dc if it were me

So it's not an isolated incidence if you've called the police before ? At what point will you do something ? When he's killed him ?

Ds is a very challenging child, I appreciate that

Unless you think that how challenging a child is dictates how violent we can be towards them, this has no relevance. You're making excuses for him, you are in a classic abuse dynamic. He's violent and verbally abusive, then tells you it's your fault, then silences you when you try to talk about it.

You must feel like you want to explode from the stress of trying to keep the peace.

saying with relish in his voice that he couldn’t wait to see ds fail and die as an adult because he wouldn’t survive long without his mummy holding his hand all the time

This will destroy your son but you can stop that by demonstrating to him that it is possible to walk away from a destructive dynamic. Do it for your son. Do it for your daughter. Do it for you. Staying around your husband's hateful abuse will make your lives horrible. Getting away from him will improve your lives immeasurably, even if it makes things difficult on a practical level for a bit. You can find a way. Contact Women's Aid. Talk to people in real life.

Well, I'm not surprised DS is a "challenging kid" if this is how his father has been treating him. WTAF? You need to protect your children and LEAVE. I bet you'll be SHOCKED at how much easier DS is to parent when he's not living in a house with a man who hates him and is physically abusive to him.

Your thread title is "What do I do now?". What do you think you should do?

Do you want to stay with this man for the rest of your life? I get the impression from what you say that he doesn't like you or your children. Does he work hard to provide for you all? That doesn't make him a good husband or father when he behaves like that.

Cutting him slack because his mother is ill is just another way of accepting his abuse. Billions of people have had ill mothers and not behaved like cunts.

What do you think you should do?

Your husband needs to move out right now. You and your children need to be safe in your own home.

Contact your husband at work and tell him to not come home. He needs to move elsewhere . Make an arrangement to drop his stuff off. Don’t let him come to the house to collect it.

Holding your son around his head and neck so he can’t breath is potentially life threatening. Your son needs to go to A and E today so they can check his neck and throat for any damage. It’s not always obvious from just looking at him.

Once he has moved out, your husband can access any individual therapy he chooses.

Family therapy is not appropriate where there is abuse - in fact any reputable agency will refuse to do so as soon as you tell them that your husband is verbally and physically abusive.

What ages are your children ? It sounds like they both need some professional help.

I know you are reading my post and thinking that I’m over reacting, that a little chat will sort this out. That your husband realises that he’s “ gone too far this time”.

No he doesn’t. It’s not an issue for him , he says there’s nothing to talk about. You are busy excusing him saying that he’s “ volatile “ and his mother is ill. But he’s been like this for years hasn’t he?

You can’t fix your husband . You and your children are at risk. Your children are already traumatised, your son is possibly physically injured . Your children at at risk of going into the care system unless you put then first and protect them.

You ask in your OP “ What do I do now? “. You need to choose between staying with your husband and keeping your kids safe.

You can’t do both. I know you want to with all your heart. But you can’t.

I’m so sorry.

Yeah. Ds gets nothing from dh. They spend zero time together. Dh has no interest in ds’ hobbies. They rarely have a positive exchange.
Ds does have diagnosed issues but they’re basically the same as dh. They are so alike. I’m great at parenting Ds because I learned all the techniques from managing dh for years beforehand.

I’ve tried contacting refuge on the phone but can’t get through. It’s so hard when 98% of life is absolutely fine, good even, then there is this shit that dh puts on me and expects me to deal with.

Do you actually like your DH because he sounds nasty.

I would kick him out and stand up for my son

@Constressa

I acknowledged that ds shouldn’t have done what he did to start it. Dh claimed that he was de-escalating the situation by leaving the room. He was leaving but at the same time shouting at ds, saying with relish in his voice that he couldn’t wait to see ds fail and die as an adult because he wouldn’t survive long without his mummy holding his hand all the time. It’s not fucking great is it but dh will tell me that I’m the one in the wrong. He argues his point so strongly and always manages to shut me up (but not convince me) I’ve just realised what a terrible father he is. How can I be in a relationship with someone who says that kind of thing to their child, let alone my child. And then he gets up and makes porridge and irons shirts and goes to work like nothing has happened.

It's not to late to call the police.

Then get him out

@Constressa

I called the police once about the violence between the two of them. The woman on the phone was incredibly dismissive and bluntly said there was nothing that could be done even though I said I feared for myself and dd.

That was then, this is now.

Refuse to accept that and keep going

You keep your kids safe. They are number 1.

You are (well his father is) teaching him that anger , shouting and fighting is the response to certain situation- learnt behaviour.

Your sons brain is at the most important stage during remapping during teenage years - he will be struggling and teenagers are challenging and can be agressive. You don’t respond to it with aggression as then that will be seen as the only way.

I never understand why the adult is allowed to shout, abuse and use violence and then act all surprised and critical when the child replicated that behaviour stating the child should know better - they leant from that parent.

Your DH needs to be somewhere else, at least for tonight.
Home should be your son’s safe space.

Your son needs someone on his side. Your dh is abusive. Everyone is being affected by this situation. You need to change it.