What do I do now?

[Constressa]

Don’t know what to do. Dh and teen Ds have had a volatile relationship for years now. Both are very impulsive. I try to be the buffer zone in between them as much as possible but it doesn’t always work out.
Last night ds was angry and threw his jumper at dh, accidentally breaking a glass. Dh got angry and between them the situation escalated. Dh said some horrible things in a nasty way and ds slapped him in the face. Dh then retaliated and they fought. Me and dd tried to separate them. Then dh got ds on the floor, he was holding around his head/neck. We tried to pull him off. Dd was shouting that ds couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t see how dh was holding ds. We managed to separate them and got them in different rooms. Dh kept on ranting angrily for ages saying it was all ds fault and that I’d created a monster in ds by the way I parent him. He compared him to Putin and said he wished he’d never been born.
Ds stayed quietly out of the way in the other room. After a while dh went to bed. Dd had a panic attack and ds was angry, upset and hurt. Eventually I calmed them and got them to bed.
This morning dh made kids breakfast and got uniform ready as usual. I said we needed to have a conversation. Dh said there’s nothing to talk about.

He argues his point so strongly and always manages to shut me up (but not convince me)

So stop trying to discuss it with him. He'll never concede that he's done anything wrong and it doesn't matter anyway - you, DS and DD all know he's an abuser and you need to get your children away from him.

I am constantly criticised by dh for being on “ds’ side” dh makes references to Oedipus

What’s happened before OP? This isn’t a one off is it?

Im you are the victim of his abuse too, he is gaslighting you and making you question whether this is wrong. It is, you know it is.

Please find the strength to tell him to leave, you need to protect your children the damage this is doing to them is unimaginable.

I am constantly criticised by dh for being on “ds’ side” dh makes references to Oedipus

Someone has to be, and you're his mother. His father should be on his side too. Sounds like it's your DH who has the jealousy issues here.

You are right. There is no point discussing it. He went on a respect course 10 years ago because I gave him an ultimatum.

How old is your son, OP? How old is your daughter? How many times have you had to prevent DH from bullying him? From hurting him?

Oh @Constressa this sounds awful.

I don’t care how ‘difficult’ your son is or what he says/ does, there is absolutely zero justification for an adult doing what your DH did. I’m absolutely horrified. He needs to move out. I wouldn’t tolerate living under the same roof as any human who attacked my child.

I also second getting your DS medically checked. This sounds horrific

Just tell him that mummy holding DS's hand is preferable to daddy holding his throat.

saying with relish in his voice that he couldn’t wait to see ds fail and die as an adult because he wouldn’t survive long without his mummy holding his hand all the time.

WTAF

Leave him, your DS has no way of escaping this awful abuse. You have to take him away from it.

I would have (and did) called the police and got my ex husband ousted for treating my DS like this.
He lost custody in the end.
Its the only option, your H isn't going to leave of his own accord and he has brutalised your DS.
Call them now. Tell them your DS is at risk then ring SS.

Your husband leaves today. There's no arguing that.

He's assaulted your son (regardless of whether it was retaliation) and basically tells you you're a shit parent when he's the one who has no relationship with his son.

You shouldn't be worrying about what happens next - he should. He should be telling you exactly what he'll do to apologise to you all and how he'll improve as a parent and husband.

I need someone to talk to. But I don’t know who. School or police? I tried women’s aid but can’t get through to them.

If you were my friend or family I would report you to SS for not keeping your children safe.

You are complicit in this abuse if you do not keep your children safe and away from your husband.

They and you are over 10 years putting up with this. It will never get better. Leave of he won't. You cannot stand by and let you husband assault your son.

@Constressa

I need someone to talk to. But I don’t know who. School or police? I tried women’s aid but can’t get through to them.

Keep trying.

I would also speak to the police if you can.

It is not failure to protect if you are reaching out for help to get away from the situation, social services will be informed regardless of whether you speak to the police or school, but they will support you in getting away from your husband.

Call the police
Inform school

Your husband needs to be gone

You call the police and you report the assault. Then you sit your kids down and tell them that you have their backs and they wont have to experience this hell any more. The police can help with non molestation orders and Occupation orders if required for the house.

The police will involve children's services and they will want to know that you intend to protect your children from this. Please don't minimise what he's done on the basis that he is ok the rest of the time, or that your child is challenging. I'm a mum to 4 and I've had some crap to deal with for most of my life, but I've never raised a hand to any of my children - or wished them dead :(

@Constressa

I need someone to talk to. But I don’t know who. School or police? I tried women’s aid but can’t get through to them.

I'd go to the police.

What exactly is it going to take before you leave with your children,this is so bad and you should not have stayed last night

Dd was shouting that ds couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t see how dh was holding ds

You are minimising and ignoring what actually happened. He was strangling him.

Ds stayed quietly out of the way in the other room

Yes, he was quiet whilst his father continued ranting in the other room, your son was clearly terrified of him at this point.
That is what abuse victims do, cower and hope the aggresor calms till they are out of direct danger.
Your husband cannot control his anger, he is a danger to your son, you must protect him.

This will only escalate.

Have you asked them what they want?

Would your son and daughter feel happier or safer away from him.

You need to listen.

My children want all of us to stay together. It would really, really upset them for him to move out. The vast majority of the time things are ok.

@Constressa

My children want all of us to stay together. It would really, really upset them for him to move out. The vast majority of the time things are ok.

Your son who was strangled/suffocated by his dad yesterday and hasn't had a nice conversation with him for as long as you remember wants you to all stay together?

My mother was abusive. I wouldn't have said I wanted my parents to split up - in fact I was scared of them getting a divorce. But in retrospect, living in a house with her has done me so much long term damage. I wish she could have got help for her mental illness. And if that was not possible, I wish my dad could have protected me better from her - rather than "trying to keep the peace", which inevitably meant acting like it was as much my fault as hers.

You can't leave this decision to a child. Be the adult and provide your children with a home that is 100% safe.

How old are your kids OP?

This is really relevant to this situation!

They’re 14 and 16 yo. I am always trying to keep the peace it’s absolutely exhausting.