What do I do now?

[Constressa]

Don’t know what to do. Dh and teen Ds have had a volatile relationship for years now. Both are very impulsive. I try to be the buffer zone in between them as much as possible but it doesn’t always work out.
Last night ds was angry and threw his jumper at dh, accidentally breaking a glass. Dh got angry and between them the situation escalated. Dh said some horrible things in a nasty way and ds slapped him in the face. Dh then retaliated and they fought. Me and dd tried to separate them. Then dh got ds on the floor, he was holding around his head/neck. We tried to pull him off. Dd was shouting that ds couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t see how dh was holding ds. We managed to separate them and got them in different rooms. Dh kept on ranting angrily for ages saying it was all ds fault and that I’d created a monster in ds by the way I parent him. He compared him to Putin and said he wished he’d never been born.
Ds stayed quietly out of the way in the other room. After a while dh went to bed. Dd had a panic attack and ds was angry, upset and hurt. Eventually I calmed them and got them to bed.
This morning dh made kids breakfast and got uniform ready as usual. I said we needed to have a conversation. Dh said there’s nothing to talk about.

You might keep the peace but you’re not keeping the safe.

@Constressa

They’re 14 and 16 yo. I am always trying to keep the peace it’s absolutely exhausting.

For peace you have to move away from unsettling things/people, unless you can control them. You know you can't control your husband, otherwise you would have been doing already. It's like trying to control the weather; you're simply not in charge or in control, and if you try, you will wear yourself out without making any progress at all.

You need to remove yourself and your children from the situation, rather than trying to control the situation.

Your husband is abusing your son, and you are facilitating it by minimising and excusing his behaviour and allowing it to continue.

@Constressa

My children want all of us to stay together. It would really, really upset them for him to move out. The vast majority of the time things are ok.

The fact that they want to stay demonstrates that they have no idea what life could be like without the threat of abuse. They think this is normal, desirable.

Get them out, otherwise they will take this normal, desirable lifestyle into their own adult relationships. They will replicate your relationship with your husband. She will struggle and stay in the face of abuse. He will be abusive. That's how it works.

Please please show them something different. I was one of them, and had hideous relationships into my 40s because I didn't know better. I could have had a much better life if my Mum had left my father. I thought that that was what relationships felt like. That that was what home felt like. Lots of fun, and then occasionally someone gets the shit kicked out of them. Don't do this to your kids.

They tel you they want you to stay together probably because they're terrified of the family splitting up fgs op.

Why even ask them that??

It's your job as the decent parent to make the best decisions for them not ask them to do it themselves ffs.

Do you really think what happened is acceptable in any way as your minimising his behaviour.

You gave him an ultimatum ten years ago and look where I are now so your kids have spent their lives growing up in this. Whether it's good 98% of the time isn't the same as

2% of the time my husband physically and verbally assaults my child and causes serious distress to my other child.

How does that sound to you?
@

Your son will learn from this behaviour.
If you can’t work out if this is serious or not, ask the police for advice.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Are you okay?
As everyone else has said your dh needs to leave.
Your son might be challenging but you dh should never have been violent towards him. He escalated the situation and made it worse.
Your ds and dd need your support. The comments that he made will stick with them both.
Yes things might be good majority of the time but dh cannot be allowed tk behave like that, he hurt your ds and terrified you and your dd.
He clearly needs a shock that you are not going to put up with it. Your ds needs you on his side, he’s still a child.
If you can’t get a hold of womens aid then please speak to the school. They can support you and can help contact people for you.
Phone social services and update them on what’s happened.
Your children will be upset with dh leaving but they will see it’s for the best, they will begin to understand that you are protecting them.

First of all I'm so sorry because this sounds horrendous, terribly stressful.

Secondly, your husband is completely in the wrong and you need to make an immediate change to your living situation to keep your children safe. Your son is in immediate physical danger and both your children are suffering emotionally.

Look, this is not going to get better on its own, something drastic has to change. Else you are going to be one of those tragic stories in the news where dad or dad goes to prison for grievous bodily harm or worse.

Your husband sounds like a bloody horrible person, the way he talks to and about his own son is appalling.

This is very serious. I know it may be tempting to stay and hope things will get better but they won't.

Your children need you to stand up for them.

Call all the help services, police, social services, family harm help services, everyone. You need good help here.

I wonder if you have a tendency to downplay events when you call police?

Tell them what you've told us, that your husband got on top of your son, held him round his neck (this is a HUGE 🚩 ) and your son could not breathe.

Attempted strangulation is the biggest red flag in the family harm book, the next step is murder.

And leaving is the most dangerous time for the victims. So please seek professional advice about how to do this.

@Constressa

We have had help from social services but honestly they did not improve the situation. Ds is a very challenging child, I appreciate that. I found a psychologist who really helped by finally convincing dh to try the strategies of been using myself for years (these are the ones that dh always said was ‘creating a monster’). We have had a long period of calmness. Now dh’s mum is very ill so I can appreciate he’s struggling and have cut him some slack accordingly but it’s not an excuse for this behaviour.

You have a difficult child because of his environment. You need to leave to protect your children and their mental health and should have done years ago by the sounds of things.

I’ve tried to call police and women’s aid but can’t get through. I’ve reported to the police online instead. That’s a massive step for me because I’ve never dared to “make it real” like that before.
I just tried to talk to him. He admitted he was wrong and said he was sorry but there was nothing he could do about it now. I’m actually shocked because he clearly doesn’t see how bad this is. I would have thought even he could have seen it.

I would call the police, it's not too late. Otherwise you teach your daughter that this is acceptable. You have no responsibility for the violence but you have responsibility on how you respond to it

It’s not the first time this has happened.
Your husband said some disgusting things to your son ( what sort of father says they can’t wait to see their son fail and die?) which your DS will remember for the rest of his life.
He puts you down, criticises your parenting while showing no interest in his own son.
I can’t see the situation improving.
I’m interested in you said your husband got his uniform? Can you say what his job is ?
Putting his hands around a child’s throat is so dangerous. I think your h should leave for the safety of you all.

What you DH said to your DS was horrendously abusive and damaging emotionally, before you even take into account the physical abuse. You need to ask your DH to leave. If you are scared of his response to your asking this then that tell you something about the way he treats you. I am glad you have reported this to the police. Have a think about discussing it with the school safeguarding lead also.

What age is your son?

@Constressa

I’ve tried to call police and women’s aid but can’t get through. I’ve reported to the police online instead. That’s a massive step for me because I’ve never dared to “make it real” like that before. I just tried to talk to him. He admitted he was wrong and said he was sorry but there was nothing he could do about it now. I’m actually shocked because he clearly doesn’t see how bad this is. I would have thought even he could have seen it.

That IS a massive step. A brilliant, brilliant massive step.

Don't bother talking to him about it though. He's abusive. He might seem to see reason, but eventually, it will become your fault, he'll turn it on you. He's displaying classic 'minimising' abuser tactics. There's huge things he could do right now. Did he say anything about feeling he should apologise to your son? To your daughter? Did he say anything about asking them how they are, talking to them, listening to them? Did he mention that he thinks he should be away from you all, because he acknowledges that he's not in control of himself? Did he say he's been thinking about counselling, and found a few options in the time since the episode?

No, he didn't, did he. He said, 'Well, it's done, now, and that's that.'

I'm furious on your behalf, Constressa. How do you feel?

Has your husband always been like this with him? If so he has been dealing with this since he was 6, my son is 6 - he is the kindest, sweetest boy, I cannot imagine anyone ever being so cruel to him and either DH or I not removing that person from his life.

I think for everyone's sake your husband needs to move out. He could have killed your son last night. Can he stay with his mum for a while until things get sorted?

Your poor kids. Your son has a mother who
isn't protecting him.
You should have called the police and had him removed as soon as it happened.

The police just called me back and took some more details. They will get back in contact with me to arrange a face to face meeting.
The thing that is going around in my head now is that the actual strangulation element was in the heat of the moment and there is no excuse or diminishing that. But also that afterwards and for hours he continued so angry and didn’t come to his senses at all. Then even this morning he was calm but still didn’t apparently understand what he had done.
And only when I have begun to explain how serious this is does he even start to acknowledge it.

Don't pull apart the individual things that have happened; it's very simple. Your husband is verbally, emotionally and physically abusive. That covers everything. All your energy needs to be on protecting your children, not in thinking through what/why/how things happened.

He's strangled your son. What would you do if anybody else did that? You'd be ready to kill them, wouldn't you? And certainly you'd be making sure they never got near him again. Think about how differently you're behaving just because it's your husband who's done this. Do the same as you would do if it had been a stranger, would you care if they'd been having a hard time because of their mum lately? Does that have anything to do with them strangling your son?

The thing that is going around in my head now is that the actual strangulation element was in the heat of the moment and there is no excuse or diminishing that.

Yup, it usually is. And people die from that sort of behaviour regularly. You’re right. No excuse. It’s attempted murder. Your husband tried to squeeze the life out of your son.

Well done for reporting this to the police. Now be honest and don’t minimise any of it.

In your shoes I would ask your husband to leave your home. Imagine if your ds grows up beating your grandson - then you will get to see what is called the cycle of abuse.

That is how abuse is learned by the perpetrators- don’t think having a nice parent always means they won’t turn out like the abusive parent.

You need urgent advice from professionals

@Constressa

My children want all of us to stay together. It would really, really upset them for him to move out. The vast majority of the time things are ok.

Your children are not old enough to make that decision. The also often love the abuser.

You have to protect them. That's your job

Well done for calling the police.

Do not warn him that you've done that