What do I do now?

[Constressa]

Don’t know what to do. Dh and teen Ds have had a volatile relationship for years now. Both are very impulsive. I try to be the buffer zone in between them as much as possible but it doesn’t always work out.
Last night ds was angry and threw his jumper at dh, accidentally breaking a glass. Dh got angry and between them the situation escalated. Dh said some horrible things in a nasty way and ds slapped him in the face. Dh then retaliated and they fought. Me and dd tried to separate them. Then dh got ds on the floor, he was holding around his head/neck. We tried to pull him off. Dd was shouting that ds couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t see how dh was holding ds. We managed to separate them and got them in different rooms. Dh kept on ranting angrily for ages saying it was all ds fault and that I’d created a monster in ds by the way I parent him. He compared him to Putin and said he wished he’d never been born.
Ds stayed quietly out of the way in the other room. After a while dh went to bed. Dd had a panic attack and ds was angry, upset and hurt. Eventually I calmed them and got them to bed.
This morning dh made kids breakfast and got uniform ready as usual. I said we needed to have a conversation. Dh said there’s nothing to talk about.

No advice but sending you a huge hug, must have been really awful for all of you to witness. Your poor DS too x

@Constressa

How do I educate myself on trauma responses? Where is a good place to start?

Just google trauma bonding. You'll recognise your family.

But for god's sake, worry about that ONCE YOU'VE GOT THE KIDS AWAY FROM THE DANGER.

Your priority here isn't to educate yourself about the background psychology. He strangled your son.

@pog100

I hate the bullying way these threads go. FGS help a woman struggling in need, with support not with bullying!

I don't see bullying, I see posters trying to educate a mother about how to keep her children safe.

What exactly do you bring to this conversation?

@Constressa

How do I educate myself on trauma responses? Where is a good place to start?

This is not the night for education. Or for discussing what happened with your husband and trying to get through to him.

This is the night to tell him to pack a bag and leave.

Once he is elsewhere, your children and you are safe , your son has had medical attention and you’ve had a chance to get professional advice - that’s the time for education.

www.thehotline.org/resources/the-dangers-of-strangulation/

www.mobileodt.com/blog/taking-your-breath-away-why-strangulation-in-domestic-violence-is-a-huge-red-flag/

Worry about the way the lion thinks once you have left his mouth

@Constressa

I kind of want to tell him I’ve called the police as a wake up call. I don’t want any of this to be happening. Here’s the thing, kids are actually ok (which shows how they’ve been desensitised to this sort of thing). Telling dh to stay away will really upset dd. So wish I could just let this blow over like I have so many times before but I know that gets riskier and riskier every time you do it.

Yes riskier all the time until he puts someone in hospital. I got involved in parents fights only two or three times as a child. I'm still struggling with it 40 years later. DON'T think the kids are not affected.

@Constressa

My children want all of us to stay together. It would really, really upset them for him to move out. The vast majority of the time things are ok.

This comment shows me that your children are not 100% sure you could protect them.

People who are abused have to fully trust someone for full disclosure.
Until that trust is there they will self protect by whatever means they can, this may include siding with the perpetrator or declarations of love for them.

Whatever is safest.

You will not know their true feelings until they are securely away from him.

I'm pleased you have informed the police, this needs to be recorded, it sounds like everthing is fine if he gets his own way, well life is not like that and his children are going to dissapoint him and you cannot protect them from that. Walking on eggs shells trying to prevent the next fit of rage from him, who wants to live like that.

He obviously has had no one tell him that he's wrong, so now is the time, don't be affraid, you are doing the right thing.

He is a bully an authoritarian father who thinks his physical abuse is never going to go too far, God forbid it doesn't.

I think you have all been abused for a very long time. I suspect you spend a lot of your time walking on eggshells, trying to not set your husband off again, trying to keep moulding yourself into something you’re not, afraid to speak your mind, in case he gets upset.

Your husband could have caused serious damage to your son last night, and now that line has been crossed there is every chance it will happen again in the future. Your son must also struggle with the Knowledge that his father is unsupportive, mean, violent, and appears to dislike him. You say that the children want you to stay together, but the costs and risks are high, and you need to prioritise your kids. They won’t be devastated for long, and it may well significantly improve your DS behaviour and wellbeing.

I was in an identical situation. Got my challenging son formally diagnosed with autism and ADHD so his dad could see he was special needs rather than awful.

I binned his dad 4 years ago when he violently assaulted his son in the same way yours did and suddenly life was great although my DD has ptsd seeing her dad attack her brother.

Oddly of all the kids my son now has the best relationship with his dad the girls don't see him often.

My son is making his own way in the world now 19 and thriving but he suffered horrendous bullying and put downs from his dad.

You really do need to leave your husband and get your kids to physical/mental safety.

Oh and btw I deeply regret not calling the police. My husbands attack within hours was being cited as 'self defence' even though he was in a different room from his weedy 14 yr old son.

Thank you @Ruralbliss my ds got the same diagnosis years ago but still dh casts him as purposely awful rather than acknowledging the very real special needs. I am told I am an enabler by trying to support.
The worst thing is that the reason I am so good at supporting ds is that I have had years of practice supporting dh with basically the same issues.
Dd was so upset (and initially angry with me) last night because she is scared that something bad will happen if we aren’t all together. I think in some way she feels she has to always be with us to ensure we are safe. It took a while but I think she understood in the end.
After reading the articles about non-fatal strangulation that we’re posted (thank you) I called nhs direct about ds’ neck. They were great and eventually gave him the all clear without the need for a hospital visit. Police called back and said they hoped to get out to see me yesterday evening to check in with me but when I said dh wasn’t in the house I think they will come today instead.

He text me to say he wants to talk. I haven’t answered. I don’t want to play games but I can’t work out what to say. I have no idea what happens next.
He has said he will stay with a friend (who lives 3 hours away in an area with bad mobile reception). So he basically has a holiday while I deal with the fallout and support the kids.
I’ve read a bit about trauma and I think I’ve been in denial for a long time. Partly due to being dismissed by the police (I called about the father/son violence and explained risk to dd but was totally dismissed by woman on phone without even my name or address being taken) and also by the respect counsellor years ago who seemed almost bored by my (admittedly, probably by her standards) relatively mild experience of abuse.
The woman I spoke to on the refuge helpline yesterday said something important to me and that was that police (and other organisations) are individuals and so you will get a varied response. Sometimes you have to keep trying to find someone to take you seriously. It shouldn’t be that way but it is.

I think that your DD has probably absorbed the lessons that you have (unconsciously) being teaching her - that her role is to act as mediator and to stop things getting out of hand and that if she can't do this, then it is her fault things go badly.

It's not your fault you've done this. But it does need to be addressed. As part of this process, you should get her support. Police will offer victim support and you should definitely take it up for yourself, your DD and, of course, your DS. You are all victims, not just DS who was the one being physically abused.

That is so right. I have taken all the responsibility as peacekeeper and she is just following in my footsteps. I really want the police to visit now, just need that experience to make it completely real and not all just a figment of my imagination.
The people I spoke to at police, nhs and refuge yesterday kept saying how traumatic that must have been to witness, yet I’m not really able to access that, I just feel numb. I realise I’ve been in complete denial.

Now that you have started to join the dots and truly appreciate what's going on, you are in a much better position to do something about it.

You will need a lot of strength and determination, but you can do it

You sound stronger with each post Contressa. Keep pushing for the support you need. Let this horrendous experience be the start of a new life where the three of you are relaxed, happy and safe.

I really want the police to visit now, just need that experience to make it completely real and not all just a figment of my imagination

Make yourself into 2 people (you already are, you're the one who knows what's really happening, and the one in denial) Have your thoughts and your feelings, and get the other you to say 'I'm right behind you'. Always have that 2nd you there, backing up your thoughts and feelings.

You're on the right track. It's not easy but you've already taken huge steps.

He pretty much was on the verge of killing your son, if you and your daughter hadn't prevented it.

You have to get your children away from him now, by either leaving or throwing him out.

He text me to say he wants to talk. I haven’t answered. I don’t want to play games but I can’t work out what to say.

'It's over.'

Well done for starting to take steps to get you and your DC free @Constressa .

The fact that you are waking up is fantastic.

And it is also great if he stays 3 hours away with crap mobile reception. Yes it will be hard, but he is the threat, he is the danger, you want him as far away as possible.

Well done on calling the police. I appreciate how difficult that would have been and how conflicted your children feel.

Just remember, that after the incident your DD had a panic attack. She was traumatised (as is your son). Although, they want you all to stay together, you simply can’t. It is not your fault that your DH hasn’t sort treatment for his own ADHD nor that he is an abusive parent.

Your report to the police would have triggered an instant referral to SW.

No mention of that.

Well done OP