What do I do now?

[Constressa]

Don’t know what to do. Dh and teen Ds have had a volatile relationship for years now. Both are very impulsive. I try to be the buffer zone in between them as much as possible but it doesn’t always work out.
Last night ds was angry and threw his jumper at dh, accidentally breaking a glass. Dh got angry and between them the situation escalated. Dh said some horrible things in a nasty way and ds slapped him in the face. Dh then retaliated and they fought. Me and dd tried to separate them. Then dh got ds on the floor, he was holding around his head/neck. We tried to pull him off. Dd was shouting that ds couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t see how dh was holding ds. We managed to separate them and got them in different rooms. Dh kept on ranting angrily for ages saying it was all ds fault and that I’d created a monster in ds by the way I parent him. He compared him to Putin and said he wished he’d never been born.
Ds stayed quietly out of the way in the other room. After a while dh went to bed. Dd had a panic attack and ds was angry, upset and hurt. Eventually I calmed them and got them to bed.
This morning dh made kids breakfast and got uniform ready as usual. I said we needed to have a conversation. Dh said there’s nothing to talk about.

Your son and daughter are both being abused here...your daughter is being emotionally abused by witnesses scenes like this. I'm glad you've called the police.

I think you need to give yourself a bit of a reality check OP. On the one hand you say

“98% of the time things are fine or good”

On the other hand

“They have no relationship and have been volatile for years and I am sick of being peace maker”

Both can’t be true. I get that splitting will be scary and overwhelming, but the fact the kids want you to stay together should not matter, they are kids, they are scared of change and the unknown, beaten dogs still love the owners that beat them.

Keep trying womens aid.

I kind of want to tell him I’ve called the police as a wake up call. I don’t want any of this to be happening. Here’s the thing, kids are actually ok (which shows how they’ve been desensitised to this sort of thing). Telling dh to stay away will really upset dd. So wish I could just let this blow over like I have so many times before but I know that gets riskier and riskier every time you do it.

@Nanny0gg

Well done for calling the police.

Do not warn him that you've done that

THIS^

And stop trying to talk to him or explain things. You're well past this and he is not listening. Since this has gone on for more than 10 years it is clear that he will not accept the validity of what you or anyone else is saying.

You are fighting a losing battle and your futile attempts to keep the peace will destroy both you and your children. They need to see evidence that you are protecting them instead of simply hoping that he will change. He wont, and you know it, they know it.

He needs to be gone. Now.

I don’t know what to say about tonight tho. I don’t want him back but he’s probably expecting a pretty normal night in front of the tv. What can I say or do?

@Constressa

I kind of want to tell him I’ve called the police as a wake up call. I don’t want any of this to be happening. Here’s the thing, kids are actually ok (which shows how they’ve been desensitised to this sort of thing). Telling dh to stay away will really upset dd. So wish I could just let this blow over like I have so many times before but I know that gets riskier and riskier every time you do it.

For gods sake don't do this.

Don't play games. This is serious.

I have already explained to you that the way these situations go is that they escalate. He has made a serious physical assault on your son. You are all scared of him. He is not going to change. YOU have to change.

Call the police. Keep calling. Same with all help services. The not getting through thing isn't good enough if you genuinely want to keep your children safe.

And don't go messing with the kids' heads by talking to them about who you're calling or that you might ask Dad to leave.

You are the adult here. You keep them safe - physically, emotionally and mentally.

And no, your kids are not ok. Stop kidding yourself. They are just so freaking traumatised that they don't expect better.

@Constressa

I kind of want to tell him I’ve called the police as a wake up call. I don’t want any of this to be happening. Here’s the thing, kids are actually ok (which shows how they’ve been desensitised to this sort of thing). Telling dh to stay away will really upset dd. So wish I could just let this blow over like I have so many times before but I know that gets riskier and riskier every time you do it.

He will not wake up !!!

He is pathologically incapable of accepting responsibility and culpability, nor will he accept intervention from outsiders unless it is forced on him.

The kids are not okay!! They have learnt to mask, to pretend that they are not affected, to put on a show that everything is okay, to protect themselves by doing everything they can in the hope that it'll all blow over.

You need to wake up and actually do what you need to do and make him go.

Message him and tell him you don’t want him home, lock the doors, pack him an overnight bad and leave it on the doorstep, if he shows up, call the police.

He effectively strangled his child and wished he was not born. Your son needs to know you will protect him.

Your DS is living in a traumatic environment with an abusive father and being told he is the problem. So of course his behaviour is challenging. Instead of having a proper father figure to look up to and guide him, he has a man who wishes he was never born and wishes him death or bad outcomes in adulthood.

I would call the police. Not to report them for fighting each other, but for so called DH assaulting your teenager. A grown man who provoked a situation. This Reminds me of the police officer who held down George Floyd. Just because somebody isn't an angel doesn't mean they deserve to be held down by their neck, head and be scared for their own life. George Floyd cried for his mum who was miles away, but your son is there in the room for your crying for help. Your daughter is crying for your help. They are both terrified and traumatised by that bullies behaviour.

You might find that away from the negative father, actually your DS can start to recover from trauma, and with the right support and mentoring from a proper male role model can break a pattern of abusive males in your family. If he stays in this situation, he is only going to learn to fight back until one day he beats or kills his dad, or his dad beats and kills him. Is that the kind of man you want your son to be? A violent one, or a dead one? Or do you believe he could have a better life than that?

He's not challenging and oppositional, he's traumatised and defensive. He is in survival mode. And that is no way to be dragged up to adulthood.

What @sweetbellyhigh said.

Call the police right now, tell them what happened last night and that you fear for your son's safety. Be very clear that you are terrified and can't have him back in the house.

Dh and teen Ds have had a volatile relationship for years now.

This comment alone had me thinking that this relationship needs to end ASAP.

Teens can be extremely difficult and it’s easy for us to say just to walk away but sometimes we do snap and do or say something we regret - but this has been going on for years and this incident was abusive and downright cruel. I don’t think your DS will ever be the same again.

I feel so sorry for your DS and I don’t think DS is born difficult he’s just been raised by a bully and a women who lets it happen.

I also feel for your DD too. Her life must be walking on eggshells and thinking that this is an ok relationship to be in because you’ve stayed all of these years.

This relationship doesn’t work and you need to take your kids and live somewhere else/kick dad out - I can guarantee you’ll see a massive improvement in their behaviour after a few weeks.

I have lifelong ptsd from my traumatic inflicted on me by my fucking useless mother and her choice in males. OPs posts are appalling, it’s good that the police are finally involved to try to keep these abused kids safe, since no one else has stepped up for them. Not too interested in thinking up conversations OP can have with a child abuser.

Sympathies only with the victims, not the abuser, or anyone complicit in the abuse.

@Constressa

My children want all of us to stay together. It would really, really upset them for him to move out. The vast majority of the time things are ok.

You have got to be kidding. If I had someone like you near me I would report you to ss. I sincerely hope someone does. It’s not your childrens decision to make.

OP saying the victims would be sad if her and the child abuser broke up shows that she hasn’t educated herself at all on the damage inflicted on her kids, trauma responses, nothing.

If it's been going on for years how old was your DS when it started

When I left an abusive relationship (not to our kids, just to me) my kids were sad (eldest especially) because they weren't allowed to see dad. Occasionally I still get sad faces when talking about not seeing him, etc. But you know what? They are so Much happier and are healing from trauma. It's taken years, but we are all healing. I didn't realise how much they were effected. If I had stayed I never would have had the opportunity to see clearly the effect my ex behaviour had on our kids. I am grateful every day that we don't live in a home filled with fear.

Your husband is a nasty bully and this will happen again. Your husband behaved in a beyond unreasonable way towards your DS and in front of your DD.

I’d have to chuck him out and divorce him.

It’d be slightly different (but still bad) if he hit your DS but he took it one step further with the violence and now he won’t even apologise. He’ll probably apologise when he sees what is at risk for him here.

@Constressa

I kind of want to tell him I’ve called the police as a wake up call. I don’t want any of this to be happening. Here’s the thing, kids are actually ok (which shows how they’ve been desensitised to this sort of thing). Telling dh to stay away will really upset dd. So wish I could just let this blow over like I have so many times before but I know that gets riskier and riskier every time you do it.

If you're hoping a wake up call, provided by you, will stop him, then you're taking responsibility for his abuse. YOU ARE NOT IN CHARGE OF HIM. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS BEHAVIOUR.

You can't stop him. If you could, you would have. It's not a puzzle for you to find the right answer to. It's your son, getting strangled, and you hoping the strangler might turn nice.

Leave! You and your children are in danger. You're sitting on the sofa whilst the house burns down around you, deliberating about how to put the fire out. Just run. You're in immediate danger and so are your kids.

OP saying the victims would be sad if her and the child abuser broke up shows that she hasn’t educated herself at all on the damage inflicted on her kids, trauma responses, nothing.

Exactly.

OP they think kind of behaviour is normal because you allow it and stay.

If you break up they’ll know it’s their ‘fault’ and feel tremendous guilt over it.

They’re probably also scared if this is how the behaviour is when things are ‘good’ what the hell would it be like if you say you’re breaking up with him.

This is not normal behaviour.
It’s not normal for two adults to act like this, let alone an adult and child.

Stop lying to yourself that the DCs will be ‘sad’ if you break up - they won’t and you know they won’t.

Time to stop putting yourself first and think about what’s best for your kids.

Please don’t give him another chance to strangle your son. The only way to stop him is to end your relationship and cut him out of your family. He’s not sorry. He’d do it again. Next time he might kill him. I’m not being over dramatic. It’s a real possibility. Don’t discuss it with him. You’re wasting your breath. He’ll never change. Your number one priority is protecting your children. Please be completely open and honest with the police.

How do I educate myself on trauma responses? Where is a good place to start?

You ring the police and never let your children near that bastard again. What would you have done if he did that to you or a stranger. It’s domestic abuse and not right

I hate the bullying way these threads go. FGS help a woman struggling in need, with support not with bullying!

How do I educate myself on trauma responses? Where is a good place to start?

Start by reading your OP again and think if you truly believe that your DCs are happy because we can all tell you they absolutely are not.

I might not be a perfect parent but I would never allow my children to be in this environment.

You can’t do anything whilst you are still living together.
You need to separate and show your DCs that you are on their side and will protect them.