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Original poster

To threesome or not to threesome?

107 replies

DontEatYellowSnow · 16/03/2022 23:01

Hi, I’ve been seeing a guy for four months, met on FB dating. He lives about 1.5 hour drive away so we sext quite a bit. We both have kids but they haven’t met, we stay over at each others’ houses one night here and there in between work and shifts. We do hang out and get food, go for walks etc.
While texting we also talk about threesome fantasies, dogging, swinging etc. He likes the stag and vixen scenario and has really ramped up the chat about it. Or a threesome MMF. Even talking logistics.
Sometimes the chats I find hard to get my head around. My ex husband was more vanilla and never wanted to explore. I challenge him about them and we talk about boundaries and what we would accept or not.
I think I’m open minded sexually and after the break down of my marriage 2 years ago, I’ve explored more dating etc. Im not sure the reality of a threesome is my thing, I’d be grateful for any advice.
This new chap has been good to me, stable, own hobbies, treats me to dinner. We talk about other normal shit too.
The thing is I’m not even sure we are in a proper relationship! He went cold on me for a week over Valentine’s Day after he was busy at work and was feeling down about a few things, and (he said) annoyed at the distance between us. I told him I was going on another date as I thought he’d ghosted me! I told him we are better off as FBs or FWB or sexuationship..but he keeps laying it on thick about being with me, he was sorry he fucked up (I have brought it up a few times 🤦🏻‍♀️) we text a lot everyday. He says he cares about me.
He says he wants us to be a couple and likes me a lot etc but there’s a lot persuasion about threesome fantasy though too and saying things like “but it’s so hot with you” “you’re so open minded” and when I asked him about asking previous exes about threesomes and dogging he said no he didn’t ask them because he feels like he can talk with me about things he’d like to do. It’s always been in the back of his mind. But never talked about actually doing it. He was invited into a threesome once in the past when he was younger, he was the guy nobbing someone else’s wife while the husband watched. Now he would like to be the husband/stag as a couple.
Advice needed!!

OP posts:
Pinkorchid23 · 16/03/2022 23:09

Sorry but for 4 months this is all abit too much.

I dont really see why you didnt just walk away after he ghosted you for a week and then wanted you back because you sexually excite him. You arent here just to tiggle his fancy when he likes. Take back some control and self worth.

PickAChew · 16/03/2022 23:09

If you wholeheartedly want to do it, do it. If you have even the slightest reservation, don't.

You probably shouldn't.

bonfireheart · 16/03/2022 23:11

Agree with @Pinkorchid23

OrlandointheWilderness · 16/03/2022 23:12

I suspect you know exactly what we are all going to say tbh. C'mon... 4 months in, you aren't in a relationship with him and this is basically a way of him fulfilling his fantasy. He doesn't want a relationship with you, he doesn't really care about you on a deeper level.
Some people in committed relationships like the threesome thing but tbh I suspect it takes two people who are truly on board, open with each other and trust each other implicitly. Which is not a state of knowing you get from 4 months. I've got tins in my cupboard older than that.

If you are honestly just in it for the sex and you aren't after anything deeper then sure, nothing wrong with it. But don't expect this to be a serious, long term relationship because he is telling you blatantly what he wants and it isn't that.

OppsUpsSide · 16/03/2022 23:12

Dump him

OrlandointheWilderness · 16/03/2022 23:13

I have to say @Pinkorchid23 your typo made me laugh - tiggle 😂

youkiddingme · 16/03/2022 23:15

It doesn't sound like he's being at all straight with you about what he wants or is offering, other than for you to provide the sexual kicks he wants.

Have you worked out what you want from and with him?

EveryCloudIsGrey · 16/03/2022 23:16

I'm all for doing what you want but that all sounds grim. He sounds awful.

Opentooffers · 16/03/2022 23:16

Well, it's your thing or it isn't, but I'm getting you're considering it maybe more to please him. People do things in general to please the other within a relationship- not really that, but certain things on balance. You are getting confused, this is meant to be a fab, which means you get to please yourself to a degree. It's ok for him to ask, and it's fine for you to say "no thanks", if you don't fancy it.
He doesn't want a relationship, otherwise he'd not be asking for a threesome, but he's quite willing to act like a BF to encourage you to give him what he'd like. Don't let him bamboozle you, he's not BF material, if you want one of those, look elsewhere. Just because its fwb, doesn't mean you have to experiment outside of your comfort zone. If genuinely interested, however, I still think you are reading more into this arrangement than there is from his side, regardless of what he says, what he does, is another matter.

Pinkorchid23 · 16/03/2022 23:18

@OrlandointheWilderness I shamelessly have to say that wasnt even a typo, I fully spelled that out with confidence and had to re-check my post to see what you meant Blush Think thats cue to take myself to bed 😂

OrlandointheWilderness · 16/03/2022 23:22

😂 that makes it even better, I'm going to have to start using it now!

HappeeinParis · 16/03/2022 23:23

I had a MMF threesome many years ago (with a straight friend and bi friend) and it was dire. Main memories are of just being too busy and it all just feeling very sordid, feeling at one remove from myself and one of the guys wanting to suck my toes and having to keep wiggling away because I had a verucca. Sexy.

If you’re not sure, don’t do it.

Boo42 · 16/03/2022 23:28

Any man ghosting you over valentines is a no! Next he will have problems or probably start an argument near your birthday, Christmas and any other event where he is supposed to be giving to you and making you happy. You have kids and he is complaining about the distance between you and using that as an excuse for ghosting you on valentines rather than being nice and finding a way round. Red Flags all the way.

No issues with threesomes...but not sure he is the one. See how he is the next time it's an event to do with you.

Also guys love saying they have never done something before and we are the first, yet they rush in and seem to want to jump straight to it...never any worries.

Original poster
DontEatYellowSnow · 16/03/2022 23:39

@Pinkorchid23

Sorry but for 4 months this is all abit too much.

I dont really see why you didnt just walk away after he ghosted you for a week and then wanted you back because you sexually excite him. You arent here just to tiggle his fancy when he likes. Take back some control and self worth.

Yes you are so right thank you. I wanted to face up to some cold hard truths. I feel I cannot talk to friends about this! I appreciate and love everyone’s advice thank you so much. I did tell him I’m not the woman for him and binned him after this. But he sweet talked me round perhaps.
OP posts:
OrlandointheWilderness · 16/03/2022 23:43

Problem with saying you aren't the kebab for him is you give him the power to say 'of course you are'! Perhaps you need to tell him that he isn't what you want.

RiaOverTheRainbow · 16/03/2022 23:48

It doesn't sound like the relationship has a future. Obviously I don't know but my first thought was that he spent Valentine's with someone else. If you want to keep shagging him for now, with or without anyone else, do it because you want to.

Original poster
DontEatYellowSnow · 16/03/2022 23:50

@youkiddingme

It doesn't sound like he's being at all straight with you about what he wants or is offering, other than for you to provide the sexual kicks he wants.

Have you worked out what you want from and with him?

I thought I could handle the FWB situation, stated this is what we were to him straight. He came back with he wanted more than that. He would like to be a couple and do this sort of thing. I went cold on him once while I was at work, I wasn’t in that frame of mind at all, I was with a dying patient and I told him I was having a hard shift (nurse). He was apologetic. After he distanced from me I went back on FB dating and chatted to another guy and went out on a date. He was soon texting me again after a while. I was surprised he got in touch again and told him I’d been dating again. He wasn’t happy but I told him then it was clear it’s not a relationship but a fuckbuddy situation. I downgraded it if you will. Maybe I thought I could do that, maybe I can’t in reality? It seems a big ask for this kind of situation, and yes soon. I would have thought you’d have to be secure with someone. He said he genuinely wants to see me if we don’t do it no worries. But it’s putting me off even just seeing him as a friend with benefits. There’s a lot of relationshippy stuff he’s doing, he can get quite needy on text when I’m obviously holding back now as I’m thinking he’ll disappear again!
OP posts:
Original poster
DontEatYellowSnow · 16/03/2022 23:53

@RiaOverTheRainbow

It doesn't sound like the relationship has a future. Obviously I don't know but my first thought was that he spent Valentine's with someone else. If you want to keep shagging him for now, with or without anyone else, do it because you want to.
Wondered the same but didn’t ask him outright if he did. He sent me a photo of his diary when he was on call, it was stormy pre hurricane and then he was mad busy. He kept texting me saying be careful driving out late at night etc for my job with all the damaged trees etc. This is why we got back in touch 🤷🏻‍♀️ I asked him not to bother caring and why is he asking!
OP posts:
Stephthegreat · 17/03/2022 00:03

I think he’s just wanting to fulfil his fantasy of a threesome tbh. It sounds horrid.

Original poster
DontEatYellowSnow · 17/03/2022 00:08

I think he might be using me sexually to get his work and past frustrations out but dressing it up, being like a boyfriend, wanting the benefits of a relationship, saying we would be doing a threesome as a couple to make it acceptable? To persuade me into it. What a long game to play. The longer I think about it the more doubtful I could face the reality of it. Would he disrespect me afterwards?

OP posts:
NotNotNotMyName · 17/03/2022 00:17

This doesn’t sound like a lasting relationship tbh, even though he may be dressing it up as one. It seems to be mainly about sex which obviously is a big thing at the beginning of a relationship. It seems to be too soon to be introducing other people into the mix.

NotNotNotMyName · 17/03/2022 00:20

Also going silent over Valentine’s Day is a massive red flag. No focus on love and romance - are you sure you’re the only one?

Dillydollydingdong · 17/03/2022 00:37

The whole thing sounds grim. He's very keen on stuff that anyone with any self respect wouldn't go near. And he'll never stop going on about it, now he thinks you might be interested. You deserve better OP.

PinkSyCo · 17/03/2022 00:37

He sees you as a sexual plaything. Nothing more than that, sorry.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/03/2022 01:04

Grim and disgusting. I would hope you'd want to be more than some fuck doll to a gross man.

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