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Original poster

To threesome or not to threesome?

107 replies

DontEatYellowSnow · 16/03/2022 23:01

Hi, I’ve been seeing a guy for four months, met on FB dating. He lives about 1.5 hour drive away so we sext quite a bit. We both have kids but they haven’t met, we stay over at each others’ houses one night here and there in between work and shifts. We do hang out and get food, go for walks etc.
While texting we also talk about threesome fantasies, dogging, swinging etc. He likes the stag and vixen scenario and has really ramped up the chat about it. Or a threesome MMF. Even talking logistics.
Sometimes the chats I find hard to get my head around. My ex husband was more vanilla and never wanted to explore. I challenge him about them and we talk about boundaries and what we would accept or not.
I think I’m open minded sexually and after the break down of my marriage 2 years ago, I’ve explored more dating etc. Im not sure the reality of a threesome is my thing, I’d be grateful for any advice.
This new chap has been good to me, stable, own hobbies, treats me to dinner. We talk about other normal shit too.
The thing is I’m not even sure we are in a proper relationship! He went cold on me for a week over Valentine’s Day after he was busy at work and was feeling down about a few things, and (he said) annoyed at the distance between us. I told him I was going on another date as I thought he’d ghosted me! I told him we are better off as FBs or FWB or sexuationship..but he keeps laying it on thick about being with me, he was sorry he fucked up (I have brought it up a few times 🤦🏻‍♀️) we text a lot everyday. He says he cares about me.
He says he wants us to be a couple and likes me a lot etc but there’s a lot persuasion about threesome fantasy though too and saying things like “but it’s so hot with you” “you’re so open minded” and when I asked him about asking previous exes about threesomes and dogging he said no he didn’t ask them because he feels like he can talk with me about things he’d like to do. It’s always been in the back of his mind. But never talked about actually doing it. He was invited into a threesome once in the past when he was younger, he was the guy nobbing someone else’s wife while the husband watched. Now he would like to be the husband/stag as a couple.
Advice needed!!

OP posts:

ChickenStripper · 17/03/2022 01:15

He is trying to sell you the bf/feelings stuff in order to push your boundaries. He's setting you up for his sexual fantasies. Beware of men like this and I talk from experience. You don't even say that you like him that much.

RantyAunty · 17/03/2022 01:16

Take him and any guy out of the picture.
Ask yourself these questions to getting some clarity for yourself.

When you decided to put up your FB ad, what is it you really wanted?
If you woke up tomorrow and had exactly what you want, what would that look like?

Calphurnia88 · 17/03/2022 02:13

@OrlandointheWilderness

Problem with saying you aren't the kebab for him is you give him the power to say 'of course you are'! Perhaps you need to tell him that he isn't what you want.

This has to be one of my favourite typos

Weatherwax13 · 17/03/2022 02:24

Ffs don't do this. I guarantee you'll regret it. Get rid.

Momijin · 17/03/2022 03:17

OP, first ditch this man. Ghosting you, wanting you only when he finds out you're dating and pushing your boundaries with suggesting a 3some is not relationship material.

Set your own standards about what you really want and do not be pushed into anything you don't want to do.

I don't have a problem with consenting adults doing what they want but if you have any doubts and if you're being pushed then absolutely do not do it.

Katya213 · 17/03/2022 03:27

Sounds like you are being very manipulated by this man. Dump him.

coldfeetmama · 17/03/2022 07:37

@Calphurnia8 I've spent the last 20 minutes trying to envisage maybe this MMF thing is known as a " kebab"
I do lead a very boring life

LightSpeeds · 17/03/2022 07:43

Would he disrespect me afterwards?

I'm not sure he's respecting you so much now. I think he's just using you for sex...

Quartz2208 · 17/03/2022 07:53

He is breaking down your boundaries about this and pushing you into this - these things need both people on board and proper respect for them and he has neither

gannett · 17/03/2022 07:54

OP, there are two things you need to separate in your head and think about.

First, what would a threesome be like for you, ideally? Take this guy out of that equation. In your head, what would you want to do in a threesome? What would you not want to do? What would your boundaries be? Would you want to be more dominant or submissive? Even if this is just curiosity and you don't know the answers, you need to think about them and have some idea - so you can assert your boundaries and draw your lines if needs be. It's not really as simple as just going into it and hoping everything happens naturally, the reality of a threesome can be very different to the idea of it. Really think about what YOU want, not what he wants. If you go ahead, you should be doing it for you, not him.

Secondly, what kind of relationship do you have with this guy? This is the alarm bell for me. You don't know where you stand with him because he's saying one thing and doing another - he's messing you around on that front. This links into the first point about boundaries. You need to be able to trust that everyone involved in a threesome will respect your boundaries. But how can you have that level of trust with someone who leaves you uncertain as to what your relationship status is? And like PP have said, four months is very very soon to be bringing up these sexual fantasies.

IMO these things work best either in the context of a healthy and trusting long-term relationship where you both know your partner has your pleasure in mind - or via specific hookup sites where everyone tends to be very clear about exactly what they want in advance.

Fatgalslim · 17/03/2022 07:56

[quote coldfeetmama]@Calphurnia8 I've spent the last 20 minutes trying to envisage maybe this MMF thing is known as a " kebab"
I do lead a very boring life [/quote]
Me too!

NotaCoolMum · 17/03/2022 07:56

It would be a HELL NO from me

boobot1 · 17/03/2022 08:09

[quote coldfeetmama]@Calphurnia8 I've spent the last 20 minutes trying to envisage maybe this MMF thing is known as a " kebab"
I do lead a very boring life [/quote]
😂 me too

LetItGoHome · 17/03/2022 08:16

I'm obviously very ignorant but how does this even work with MMF? Does everyone have sex with everyone, does one person watch or take turns watching? My mind boggles! Presumably he must be bisexual?

Mumdiva99 · 17/03/2022 08:19

I have many jars in the fridge older than this relationship. It's way too soon for you to trust him enough for this. (No disrespect to people that are into threesomes). Walk away. Find someone who want what you want.

NameChanger45465465 · 17/03/2022 08:20

If YOu want to do it then go for it. It's not my cup of tea but everyone is different!

Branleuse · 17/03/2022 08:25

Threesomes are shit. I dont know why so many blokes are obsessed with them. Emotional mindfield. Usually woman/women are expected to perform rather than actually being able to relax and be intimate. I think 99% of the time it should be kept as fantasy and not reality.
From what youve said, i think he has worked out that your sexual boundaries are a bit blurred and he thinks youll do stuff hes seen in porn. He doesnt understand that what he thinks is flattering, is creepy and cliché

beastlyslumber · 17/03/2022 08:32

The whole situation sounds utterly grim, and he sounds like a manipulative dickhead.

D0lphine · 17/03/2022 09:01

Hm.

If he was open about this being casual, And you were ok with that then I would be fine with it.

The problem is that he is dressing this up as a relationship which is clearly isn't.

What do you have in common except sex? Do you talk about other things? Has he met friends and family? Do you have dates which don't include sex?

RantyAunty · 17/03/2022 09:33

@Branleuse

Threesomes are shit. I dont know why so many blokes are obsessed with them. Emotional mindfield. Usually woman/women are expected to perform rather than actually being able to relax and be intimate. I think 99% of the time it should be kept as fantasy and not reality. From what youve said, i think he has worked out that your sexual boundaries are a bit blurred and he thinks youll do stuff hes seen in porn. He doesnt understand that what he thinks is flattering, is creepy and cliché

men can barely please one woman let alone two. but we know it is all about the guy getting his jollies, not the women. he'll have some stories to share with his mates and they can all high five him.

ChickenStripper · 17/03/2022 09:36

The kebab😂😂😂

Violet869 · 17/03/2022 09:40

I’ve had a casual MMF, I’m in a long-term committed relationship now, so it wouldn’t happen again. It’s not advisable with a potential partner, unless off course you want an open relationship. If you’re not happy about doing it, then don’t do it.

ExConstance · 17/03/2022 09:51

A threesome is a great fantasy, the reality is a bit of a let down.

misspentyouthreally · 17/03/2022 09:55

Name changed for obvious reasons

To be honest these fantasies are better off as just that, fantasies. In your mind they are sexy, passionate etc but in reality (and outside of porn) people are awkward, some situations are naturally more uncomfortable than others, my experience is the reality definitely never lives up to the idea.

I had a 'foursome' - me and my boyfriend at the time and my friend and her boyfriend at the time. We were all in college together and had been on a night out. The boys were walking home to go and do it acting like they'd won the lottery (I guess in there 19/20 year old eyes they had) the reality was my boyfriend was so drunk he couldn't get hard, my friend tried and failed, so it ended up with me sleeping with her boyfriend (for less than a minute) my boyfriend failing to sleep with my friend then my friend sleeping with her boyfriend while me and my boyfriend argued and he cried that I'd just cheated on him and protesting me saying he'd done the same by using his flaccid penis as an excuse. Sexy, right?

A (different) friend told me a few years ago that her husband and her had agreed to try a threesome and I remember thinking perhaps it's different when you're 30 and not immature kids, but the feedback was that it was awkward and uncomfortable and caused arguments between them.

misspentyouthreally · 17/03/2022 09:59

I will say that I have never once been even remotely tempted to do anything similar after the age of 19. I will take one man solely focused on me over arguing over a flaccid penis any day.

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