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Original poster

To threesome or not to threesome?

107 replies

DontEatYellowSnow · 16/03/2022 23:01

Hi, I’ve been seeing a guy for four months, met on FB dating. He lives about 1.5 hour drive away so we sext quite a bit. We both have kids but they haven’t met, we stay over at each others’ houses one night here and there in between work and shifts. We do hang out and get food, go for walks etc.
While texting we also talk about threesome fantasies, dogging, swinging etc. He likes the stag and vixen scenario and has really ramped up the chat about it. Or a threesome MMF. Even talking logistics.
Sometimes the chats I find hard to get my head around. My ex husband was more vanilla and never wanted to explore. I challenge him about them and we talk about boundaries and what we would accept or not.
I think I’m open minded sexually and after the break down of my marriage 2 years ago, I’ve explored more dating etc. Im not sure the reality of a threesome is my thing, I’d be grateful for any advice.
This new chap has been good to me, stable, own hobbies, treats me to dinner. We talk about other normal shit too.
The thing is I’m not even sure we are in a proper relationship! He went cold on me for a week over Valentine’s Day after he was busy at work and was feeling down about a few things, and (he said) annoyed at the distance between us. I told him I was going on another date as I thought he’d ghosted me! I told him we are better off as FBs or FWB or sexuationship..but he keeps laying it on thick about being with me, he was sorry he fucked up (I have brought it up a few times 🤦🏻‍♀️) we text a lot everyday. He says he cares about me.
He says he wants us to be a couple and likes me a lot etc but there’s a lot persuasion about threesome fantasy though too and saying things like “but it’s so hot with you” “you’re so open minded” and when I asked him about asking previous exes about threesomes and dogging he said no he didn’t ask them because he feels like he can talk with me about things he’d like to do. It’s always been in the back of his mind. But never talked about actually doing it. He was invited into a threesome once in the past when he was younger, he was the guy nobbing someone else’s wife while the husband watched. Now he would like to be the husband/stag as a couple.
Advice needed!!

OP posts:
WhyIsEverythingSoHard · 17/03/2022 13:52

@DontEatYellowSnow

I think he might be using me sexually to get his work and past frustrations out but dressing it up, being like a boyfriend, wanting the benefits of a relationship, saying we would be doing a threesome as a couple to make it acceptable? To persuade me into it. What a long game to play. The longer I think about it the more doubtful I could face the reality of it. Would he disrespect me afterwards?
See... You know.

He is laying it thick to persuade you to have a threesome. If you were really that keen about it, you wouldnt need to be persuaded! So either you would prefer it to stay a fantaisy or he is going too fast too quickly iyswim.

If you have any dout about doing it, DO NOT DO IT
(Sorry about the shouting :))

WanderingLost167 · 17/03/2022 17:48

I've done MMF and the stag and vixen play with an ex partner...

The key to this is trust and emotional connection, it has to be a solid loving relationship for me to consider it.

Ask him why he wants to do it with you...my ex was very much about finding it a huge turn on to see me pleasured and lost in the lust of it

Is this about you or him?

me4real · 17/03/2022 18:21

I enjoyed MMF but I think it was mainly me who had a fantasy of doing it. And neither of the blokes involved I knew. I had a lover who watched.

While I enjoyed it, you don't sound like you're particularly wild for the idea.

And this would not be what I want in a relationship now (I have bipolar and was hypomanic at the time or I probably wouldn'tve been as keen to do it, it's probably not my normal self.)

@DontEatYellowSnow What do you ideally want a relationship you're in to be like?

Are you bothered about fulfilling any particular fantasies, and if so, is this really it ?

coconuthead · 17/03/2022 18:30

Yuk yuk yuk he sounds grim. He's selling you some BS about a relationship so he can test your sexual boundaries and hopefully use you to fulfil some weird porn fantasy. Get rid!

HollowTalk · 17/03/2022 22:50

There are some things that you do for your partner because you really love them or maybe you just like them a lot. Having sex with another man in front of him isn't one of those things that you do. If you want to do it, do it, but don't do it because he wants you to. As for respecting you afterwards, I don't think he respects you now so why would he afterwards?

NRRK28 · 17/03/2022 23:31

Dont get serious with this guy. He is not the serious type. Just do fwb with him. He seems fun. Fulfil your fantasy with him but do not think about serious with this kind of guy. Not because his fantasy but because he ghosted you before. I bet he ghosted you because he found another girl but it turns out the other girl is not as open minded as you. So he back again

Veryverysadandold · 18/03/2022 00:03

You are definitely not the kebab for him.

SallSall · 18/03/2022 00:04

ditto to what everyone has said. On top of it he lives 1.5 hours away if I read that correct, far enough away from you for him to have a whole different life that he can keep from you, with you none the wiser.

I mean you can hardly pop by for quick visit after work, or drop in spur of the moment. If he doesnt have a wife/girlfirend ( the valentines day comment) he may be stringing a few girls along to see who he gets lucky with.

Alcoh · 18/03/2022 00:21

Hang on. Tell us the positives about this guy

Alcoh · 18/03/2022 00:23

This new chap has been good to me, stable, own hobbies, treats me to dinner. We talk about other normal shit too.

Are these the positives. Against all this angst?

Original poster
DontEatYellowSnow · 18/03/2022 02:08

I’ve binned him this morning via text. Feel strangely relieved. Dodged a pervy bullet.

Thank you 💐

OP posts:
Original poster
DontEatYellowSnow · 18/03/2022 02:09

Plus I couldn’t see myself as a kebab 😬

OP posts:
RantyAunty · 18/03/2022 05:45

Well done on binning the pervy knob! Flowers
You know what you really want and don't need to settle for anything less.

Longcovid21 · 18/03/2022 07:28

Well done. He sounded utterly grim. Lucky escape.

LittleWhingingWoman · 18/03/2022 08:12

@DontEatYellowSnow

I think he might be using me sexually to get his work and past frustrations out but dressing it up, being like a boyfriend, wanting the benefits of a relationship, saying we would be doing a threesome as a couple to make it acceptable? To persuade me into it. What a long game to play. The longer I think about it the more doubtful I could face the reality of it. Would he disrespect me afterwards?
He has no respect for you now: and it sounds like you don't have much respect for yourself as you keep it going with him.

He's needy because he wants to wank.

LittleWhingingWoman · 18/03/2022 08:13

@DontEatYellowSnow

I’ve binned him this morning via text. Feel strangely relieved. Dodged a pervy bullet.

Thank you 💐

Just saw this - well done!
ChickenStripper · 18/03/2022 10:03

@DontEatYellowSnow

Plus I couldn’t see myself as a kebab 😬
You probably could and that revolting image has made you possibly think again on this one.
CaMePlaitPas · 18/03/2022 10:05

I was about to type a response but I actually read the full thread and saw your most recent update, well done OP, that is a great decision.

ChiaraRimini · 18/03/2022 11:00

If you feel relieved it was the right decision OP. He sounded way too pushy and not interested in what you want, just wanting to use you to work his way through a bucket list of sexual experiences. it sounds very mechanical, like it doesn't matter who it is with.

aalidfeie · 18/03/2022 11:30

@DontEatYellowSnow

I think he might be using me sexually to get his work and past frustrations out but dressing it up, being like a boyfriend, wanting the benefits of a relationship, saying we would be doing a threesome as a couple to make it acceptable? To persuade me into it. What a long game to play. The longer I think about it the more doubtful I could face the reality of it. Would he disrespect me afterwards?
So many men play the bf/gf game, I would be wary. Its so hard to know sometimes but if it suits you both then you wouldnt even be thinking about all of this. Please be careful about getting into sexual situations like a MMF threesome. Unless you yourself has a desire to do something like that then just check you're not doing it to appear cool, sexy hot and to please him (ie he will want me more). Threesomes or group sex only really work well if all people are massively into it. If you are asking the question will he respect me afterwards, I think that is your answer. Go with your gut instinct on this one. Group sex is hard for couples who are established, let alone early FWB/Could be relationship.
aalidfeie · 18/03/2022 11:32

@DontEatYellowSnow

I’ve binned him this morning via text. Feel strangely relieved. Dodged a pervy bullet.

Thank you 💐

ah just seen this! I think is right decision!
pusspuss9 · 18/03/2022 11:35

[quote Pinkorchid23]@OrlandointheWilderness I shamelessly have to say that wasnt even a typo, I fully spelled that out with confidence and had to re-check my post to see what you meant Blush Think thats cue to take myself to bed 😂[/quote]
I have to say we've always said tiggle in our family. I also just looked it up. It isn't a word!

PinotPony · 18/03/2022 11:51

I think you made the right decision, OP.

Nothing wrong with threesomes per se, they can be a lot of fun, but it was way too soon to be having those discussions only four months into a relationship.

layladomino · 18/03/2022 13:07

Well done, you've done the right thing.

me4real · 18/03/2022 15:49

Well done @DontEatYellowSnow xx

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