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Original poster

To threesome or not to threesome?

107 replies

DontEatYellowSnow · 16/03/2022 23:01

Hi, I’ve been seeing a guy for four months, met on FB dating. He lives about 1.5 hour drive away so we sext quite a bit. We both have kids but they haven’t met, we stay over at each others’ houses one night here and there in between work and shifts. We do hang out and get food, go for walks etc.
While texting we also talk about threesome fantasies, dogging, swinging etc. He likes the stag and vixen scenario and has really ramped up the chat about it. Or a threesome MMF. Even talking logistics.
Sometimes the chats I find hard to get my head around. My ex husband was more vanilla and never wanted to explore. I challenge him about them and we talk about boundaries and what we would accept or not.
I think I’m open minded sexually and after the break down of my marriage 2 years ago, I’ve explored more dating etc. Im not sure the reality of a threesome is my thing, I’d be grateful for any advice.
This new chap has been good to me, stable, own hobbies, treats me to dinner. We talk about other normal shit too.
The thing is I’m not even sure we are in a proper relationship! He went cold on me for a week over Valentine’s Day after he was busy at work and was feeling down about a few things, and (he said) annoyed at the distance between us. I told him I was going on another date as I thought he’d ghosted me! I told him we are better off as FBs or FWB or sexuationship..but he keeps laying it on thick about being with me, he was sorry he fucked up (I have brought it up a few times 🤦🏻‍♀️) we text a lot everyday. He says he cares about me.
He says he wants us to be a couple and likes me a lot etc but there’s a lot persuasion about threesome fantasy though too and saying things like “but it’s so hot with you” “you’re so open minded” and when I asked him about asking previous exes about threesomes and dogging he said no he didn’t ask them because he feels like he can talk with me about things he’d like to do. It’s always been in the back of his mind. But never talked about actually doing it. He was invited into a threesome once in the past when he was younger, he was the guy nobbing someone else’s wife while the husband watched. Now he would like to be the husband/stag as a couple.
Advice needed!!

OP posts:
tkwal · 17/03/2022 10:45

You don't feel comfortable with his suggestion and if you went ahead you would be putting yourself in a very vulnerable position. "In the heat of the moment" one or other of them ( one you've only known for a short time, the other not at all) could well engage you in activities that you neither want nor consent to. Are you sure he isn't in another relationship ? The going cold over valentines is a bad sign to me. Stay safe OP

Orchidsonthetable · 17/03/2022 10:49

Oh cmon op. No one is this naive. He’s jist trying to get you to do shit no one else will agree to.

ABitBesotted · 17/03/2022 10:53

He sounds like a sad little man lost in a fantasy world of porn scenarios.

I bet he would run a mile if actually presented with the reality.

VampireMoney · 17/03/2022 10:57

It doesn't sound like you're up for it. You can be open minded and still not fancy a threesome. The red flag for me is he says he's never asked anyone else to do it, so it feels a bit like it's now or never, and the way he's talking about wanting a relationship and making the right noises but defaulting back to MMF experience sounds like manipulation to me.

Honestly I'd get rid. It's one thing to be open minded. It's another thing to be coerced into something you're not 100% into.

Pinkbonbon · 17/03/2022 11:00

He wouldnt very a suitable fwb anyway. He us already making up clear that he will get arsey if you don't fall for him. Yet he has no desire to care about you. He wants to manipulate you. And has already been doing rather well at it.

He is not a good human being, cut contact completely. Seriously, run, before you loose yourself in a pitt of toxic.

Pinkbonbon · 17/03/2022 11:00

*lose

me4real · 17/03/2022 11:12

A spitroast. You can get them at Harvester. Smile

@DontEatYellowSnow I don't think you particularly are sexually into the idea. At no point have you said the idea turns you on. Don't do things just because you think you should- either to get experience points (unless that's what you want I guess) or to please a man.

In general, I'm so over men who are like this about sex. Have known far too many of them. Am after someone for whom sex is an expression of romance/love next time.

And yes I've done MMF and most other things.

Bookworm20 · 17/03/2022 11:37

when I asked him about asking previous exes about threesomes and dogging he said no he didn’t ask them because he feels like he can talk with me about things he’d like to do.

This translates to he did ask them and they told him to fuck right off.

Its been 4 months and hes brought this up from very very early on with you, of course hes brought it up before! he is using you to play out his sexual fantasies. Fantasties I can well imagine he has played out before.

If you have any doubt whatsoever, don't do it. Don't let him pressure you into anything, especially after dressing it up as a realtionship and you're oh so cool and he can talk to you about anything. he is playing you like a fiddle. Sorry.

Pinkbonbon · 17/03/2022 12:03

Regarding what he said about not asking his exs....it sounds like the set up for 'none of my exs really understood me like you do' or some similar love bombing bs.

OrlandointheWilderness · 17/03/2022 12:12

😂 @Calphurnia88
Bloody autocorrect!!

JamieNorthlife · 17/03/2022 12:15

He went cold on me for a week over Valentine’s Day after he was busy at work and was feeling down about a few things,

Disapearing on valentines its code for he has a serious relationship.

NETSRIK · 17/03/2022 12:24

If you're having doubts then it's a no

Underpaidsnackbitch · 17/03/2022 12:28

Tell him you don't want to do a threesome, but you want to be in a relationship with him. His response will tell you what you need to know.

OrlandointheWilderness · 17/03/2022 12:29

Tbh I've had two. One with my friend and her bf when I was 18, one MMF one. Both were bloody awful 😂

IsThePopeCatholic · 17/03/2022 12:37

He sounds manipulative and untrustworthy. I would steer well clear of him.

fruitbrewhaha · 17/03/2022 12:41

I think if you've had to write on here to ask you are probably not that keen.

Longcovid21 · 17/03/2022 12:44

He just wants sex OP. He doesn't really care about you as a person. Be very very careful. Personally I wouldn't touch someone like that with a barge pole. It's way too soon for all that shit. Don't get involved. Especially as you have children to protect. It all sounds horrible to be honest.

pinkyredrose · 17/03/2022 12:48

Problem with saying you aren't the kebab for him is you give him the power to say 'of course you are'!

GrinGrin

Longcovid21 · 17/03/2022 13:00

Agree with a pp that he disappeared around valentines cos he has a girlfriend / wife

EveningOverRooftops · 17/03/2022 13:01

He’s spoken with his exes.

He’s saying he hasn’t to fluff your feathers and make you feel special.

Fetishes like this rarely exist alone either so the threesome is the tip of the iceberg

If you’re into this, great. Tread carefully and take time to think about what sort of relationship you’d really like right now

If you’re not then you can’t even keep him around as a FWB situation. You need to cut loose.

CallMeDaddy58 · 17/03/2022 13:05

“you’re not like other girls” 🚩🚩🚩🚩

layladomino · 17/03/2022 13:10

Picture this scenario...

You go ahead with the threesome. It may or not be fun (more likely not). He ghosts you aftewards, or withdraws. How would you feel?

I would urge huge cation if you'd been together 4 years, but after 4 months you have no way of knowing if you'll be together after the event. You don't know how much you can trust him, if he's just using you to fulfil a sexual fantasy, or even if he's just seeing how far he can push you and manipulate you in to doing what he wants.

Don't ever agree to anything sexually that you aren't 100% certain about. Don't ever do something to please someone else, or to keep them. And if you do anything a bit 'out there' only do that with someone you know inside out, and KNOW will still be around long after the event.

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/03/2022 13:15

Of course he’s discussed this with his exes. He’s just trying to make you feel special and different whilst offering crumbs. He really isn’t that into you. If he were, he wouldn’t want to share you. And I agree with the comments that he is likely in a ltr as he was unavailable for Valentine’s Day.

CousinKrispy · 17/03/2022 13:23

I think you could find plenty of other men with whom you could be sexually adventurous, whether it's casual or within a relationship. Sounds like this guy is a bit of a source of stress for you and not worth it.

LonelyInAutumn · 17/03/2022 13:43

It's only the beginning of this "relationship" and reading that post, it already seems exhausting