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Original poster

Getting young adult child to move out.

116 replies

UtterNuff · 16/03/2022 20:13

No motivation, no internal drive to make one's life bigger than the screen in front of them.

The only reason they leave the house is to access the WiFi at the library because I've changed the password amd have stopped paying for a big data package.

They have been offered a part time job starting in the next week or so, but they do very little overall unless explicitly outlined in excruciating detail. If I hadn't forced them to start applying, they never would have done it.

Waves of resentment pour off of them. No gratitude, no efforts to pull their weight around the house while they make grand plans for various schemes that don't come to pass.

I have little resource to gently guide them. No extended family, no spare cash. I feel utterly bamboozled in the face of someone who doesn't want to earn, to live independently, to exist outside their bedroom.

Any time I push back against the negative behaviour I am met with stony silence or self diagnosed mental health issues (been to the gp, nothing was offered - or so I've been told). I am continually lied to (I can't even guarantee that this job is real), and I suspect I have been lied to for a long time. I assumed good faith but I fear I am wrong in that.

I have offered steady support and understanding for many years, reaching out to various charities and even social services, but it can't be forced. They won't engage in such things, so that's that.

My frustration at feeling taken advantage of by someone who should be fledging but is instead determinedly inert is increasing by the day.

I need them to move out. I cannot financially support an adult who will not pitch in or help with family life in any way. I'm struggling with this. I don't see a way out. No job, no means of supporting oneself, no way to leave. I can see another 10 years slipping by without any changes, if I don't push them along. I don't want them unsafe, but I can't do this for much longer. What can I do?

OP posts:
wildseas · 16/03/2022 20:15

What age are they? I think that makes a significant difference here.

Original poster
UtterNuff · 16/03/2022 20:16
OP posts:
Bagelsandbrie · 16/03/2022 20:17

@wildseas

What age are they? I think that makes a significant difference here.
Yep - 18 is very different to mid 20s.
CoffeeCakeChill · 16/03/2022 20:17

Hi op
How old are they
Did they go to college and manage the school work? Could there be any underlying undiagnosed conditions?
Could you tell them that financially you need them to pull their weight? Set a monthly rent they must contribute to live their? Set house rules that must be obeyed to cohabit happily?

LizzieSiddal · 16/03/2022 20:20

I wouldn’t make them leave the house just yet. I’d give them some notice, they need to start contributing £X per month or they have to move out because you cannot afford to subsidise them anymore.

There is usually a reason someone would behave like this, I’d ask them to start being honest with them.

Original poster
UtterNuff · 16/03/2022 20:22

How on earth would I get them to comply with such rules? What sort of consequences are even possible? No friends, no interests, it isn't depression, it is disinterest in anything other than their online existence. I had hoped lack of Internet at home would be galvanising, but they just watch netflix at the library instead.

They are hoping to go to university and have been accepted into a summer programme to get them ready, but I am concerned there isn't enough internal drive to push themselves to make it happen.

OP posts:
Original poster
UtterNuff · 16/03/2022 20:24

@LizzieSiddal

I wouldn’t make them leave the house just yet. I’d give them some notice, they need to start contributing £X per month or they have to move out because you cannot afford to subsidise them anymore.

There is usually a reason someone would behave like this, I’d ask them to start being honest with them.

I am met with stony silence when I ask for honesty.
OP posts:
popcornchickin · 16/03/2022 20:28

20 is still young, barely out of teen years. I didn't move out until 21 nowadays its even harder. Rent is insane etc. The uni stuff sounds promising. It sounds as though you've got into a relationship rut and you resent them for not moving out and they probably resent you for resenting them. No friends and no interests sounds depressing to me at any age but 20 especially. Everyone has interests. Perhaps they would be more inclined to be open about their feelings / hopes for life through a letter rather than face to face. You could slip a compassionate and honest letter under their door and invite them to return one. Might not work but what's to lose.

MCLQC · 16/03/2022 20:34

Kids are frustrating when they don’t turn out as you hoped they would. It’s a difficult one.

Original poster
UtterNuff · 16/03/2022 20:41

Am I wrong to expect this? To want to see them get out into the world and doing things? I feel as though I am always pushing for it. Waiting for them to start would be waiting for Godot in real life.

I have talked at length about things. I don't know what else to say.

OP posts:
EmpressCixi · 16/03/2022 20:48

No friends, no interests, it isn't depression, it is disinterest in anything other than their online existence. I had hoped lack of Internet at home would be galvanising, but they just watch netflix at the library instead.

Depression isn’t always being sad, it can also be being completely numb, isolated with no friends, having no interest or joy in anything at all and constantly escaping reality by online/drugs/drink. I would seriously call the GP if I were their parent as everything you describe about them...the above plus no motivation to do anything, silence, resentment, grand plans that come to nothing(more escapism)...all are red flags for depression.

They need to know you care more about them as a person than about what they can do for you or contribute to your household.

LizzieSiddal · 16/03/2022 20:51

They have been offered a part time job starting in the next week or so, but they do very little overall unless explicitly outlined in excruciating detail. If I hadn't forced them to start applying, they never would have done it.

So they have a job lined up plus Uni in September? That’s great and I would just focus on those things at the moment, plus ask them for some rent money.

To be honest if my child had no friends, no interests, etc I’d be extremely concerned about them and the last thing on my mind would be asking them to leave. You said it isn’t depression but you have to assume they aren’t just being deliberately annoying, there must be something wrong, their life doesn’t sound very happy,

Beancounter1 · 16/03/2022 21:09

Maybe give yourself a deadline - say 4 or 5 years. If they haven't moved in 5 years time, then you move: sell the home from under their feet (or just move if you are renting). This plan will give you something to hold onto in your worst moments.

But that is a long, long way off yet. In the meantime, there is a lot of good advice here.
Try to find the love you have for them underneath all your frustration.

BritishDesiGirl · 16/03/2022 21:13

Twenty is so young still. Rents are extortionate, bills and cost of food has gone up. They won't be to afford all of that by themselves.

MintJulia · 16/03/2022 21:14

I'd set basic rules like contributing a small amount towards house keeping, and doing basic tasks like washing clothes, emptying the bins etc. If no contribution is forthcoming, remove the router. Stop paying their phone bill.

Reality needs to strike at some point and 20 is a grown adult. If they are capable of going to University, they are capable of getting a basic part time job. You aren't doing them any favours by infantalising them.

BoodleBug51 · 16/03/2022 21:15

20 is still really young. I've got my 23 year old still at home, and feel she's a long way off moving out even though she's in a long term relationship. Our other two both moved out around 19/20 though.

Maturity differs dramatically.

MajesticElephant · 16/03/2022 21:18

I don’t think you are unreasonable OP. You shouldn’t have to finance another adult, and most families physically can’t afford to. There is no other option than the “child” going to work. Make it uncomfortable for them as possible - no laundry, meals etc. and see how that changes their motivation. Even those with mental health problems still have to get by and work. You child would have the added safety net of home.

SparkleSpangle · 16/03/2022 21:31

I would drag them to the GP and ask about getting tested for ASD. My sister was the same and was only diagnosed aged 30.

Having singular interests eg gaming is a sign, as is no real life friends.

LizzieSiddal · 16/03/2022 21:41

SparkleSpangle makes a very good point.

Onthedunes · 16/03/2022 22:05

Is his father living with you, or step parent or is it only you two ?

HollowTalk · 16/03/2022 22:12

Is the University local or will they be moving away?

Alyl77 · 16/03/2022 23:12

I agree with the previous poster who mentioned ASD, restrictive or repetitive interests and no friends, also staying in their room. Autism can also impact upon executive functioning. It is not always easily recognisable but I would recommend seeing a GP. I hope you both get some help.

CandyLeBonBon · 16/03/2022 23:17

@SparkleSpangle

I would drag them to the GP and ask about getting tested for ASD. My sister was the same and was only diagnosed aged 30.

Having singular interests eg gaming is a sign, as is no real life friends.

Yep. My 20 y/o asd son is exactly like this. He's in complete limbo. It's incredibly hard to know how best to help him but he knows he has jobs to do whilst I'm working and his pip comes to me as board and lodgings because I can't support him without it. He get a bit of universal credit and does regular jobs for me but no motivation to do anything else.

I feel your pain op.

Derelicthome · 17/03/2022 00:33

Start singing every morning.

GreenNewDealNow · 17/03/2022 00:41

I think he needs to talk to a counsellor.