Getting young adult child to move out.

[UtterNuff]

No motivation, no internal drive to make one's life bigger than the screen in front of them.

The only reason they leave the house is to access the WiFi at the library because I've changed the password amd have stopped paying for a big data package.

They have been offered a part time job starting in the next week or so, but they do very little overall unless explicitly outlined in excruciating detail. If I hadn't forced them to start applying, they never would have done it.

Waves of resentment pour off of them. No gratitude, no efforts to pull their weight around the house while they make grand plans for various schemes that don't come to pass.

I have little resource to gently guide them. No extended family, no spare cash. I feel utterly bamboozled in the face of someone who doesn't want to earn, to live independently, to exist outside their bedroom.

Any time I push back against the negative behaviour I am met with stony silence or self diagnosed mental health issues (been to the gp, nothing was offered - or so I've been told). I am continually lied to (I can't even guarantee that this job is real), and I suspect I have been lied to for a long time. I assumed good faith but I fear I am wrong in that.

I have offered steady support and understanding for many years, reaching out to various charities and even social services, but it can't be forced. They won't engage in such things, so that's that.

My frustration at feeling taken advantage of by someone who should be fledging but is instead determinedly inert is increasing by the day.

I need them to move out. I cannot financially support an adult who will not pitch in or help with family life in any way. I'm struggling with this. I don't see a way out. No job, no means of supporting oneself, no way to leave. I can see another 10 years slipping by without any changes, if I don't push them along. I don't want them unsafe, but I can't do this for much longer. What can I do?

OP your child is obviously struggling. Maybe things happened or they are genuinely frozen because they don't know what they want to do. The last few years have been really strange and I feel for teenagers.

One of my friend's son did really well at school but spent the first year our of school barely doing anything and the second doing a retail job which he doesn't enjoy. He got really good grades but doesn't know what he wants to do so is a bit stuck, every week talking about some pie in the sky. It is frustrating for his parents because he is so bright. He was depressed last year though.

But if he's starting a job and going to uni then that sounds good!

Haven’t read all posts but my first thought was either depression or ASD.

My cousin was just like this at 20. He's still like this 10 years later, but now has a diagnosis of ASD, and severe PTSD from bullying he endured at school. Have you considered your DS is autistic?

At 20 it’s not unusual for this child to still be at home. Arse kick if just being lazy or consultation with GP to rule out depression! I personally would go with depression.

Whether it is ASD, depression, too comfortable to need to have aspirations, with all the compassion in the world, if a dc is avoidant in their thinking, as a parent and money bag, nothing can shift the mindset.

Frequently, I hear parents asking, "What's the point of getting an autism diagnosis? My child does well in school, and there's barely any help on offer anyway." This thread has made me think about the double disadvantage some of those children will experience as they age. After missing out on the practical and emotional help that would have been available to them to alleviate the additional difficulties in the transition to adulthood, they could very well be labelled lazy losers by their parents, who aren't compelled - to the same extent, at least - to make reasonable adjustments for a child who isn't formally diagnosed. Subsequently, the young person may be caused to suffer the intense indignity of not matching up with the expectations of the same adults responsible for the door being closed to the support they need to meet them.

Many autists point towards internalised ableism as a possible explanation for parental reluctance to diagnose. Maybe it's at play, but it's never felt like the whole story to me. Reading the OP, it struck me how the choice not to pursue diagnosis could serve as a tool to support cognitive dissonance and, after that, the evasion of the greatly enhanced responsibility for future support.

Of course, I'm not applying any of this to the op; I've no idea whether her child is neurodivergent or anything else. It's just something that occurred to me.

Op, you say you can't afford to fund two meals a day for your son/daughter. What do they do for meals currently? Plus, as above, what is their income and where does it come from?

‘Missing out on the practical and emotional help’ you mean in school?

Sorry I found this laughable. I have a dc with ASD and school have been incapable of supporting her throughout primary and secondary. The resources and expertise quite simply do not exist.

My dd is 17 and in counselling still struggling with the aftermath of not having needs met in school way back.

So really, a formal diagnosis of ASD is far from a magic door to a world of support/adjustments.

Kids with ASD need extra support, yes, they also need expectations and boundaries, just like other kids. In fact in my experience they need tougher implementation of boundaries (and extra support to meet them).

You don't say that you love your 20 year old. If he/she feels unloved and unwanted that might be adding to his/her lack of self belief.

It's so difficult but if the young person feels that they are only worthy if they work/go to college/provide money for the household, but all those things frighten them - then the sense of worthlessness might well be very immense.

I'd speak to the GP about the situation, organise counselling, and show them love and understanding

Op, if you can’t afford to give your 20 yr old meals, what is he/she eating?

Has he/she claimed universal credit?
If not, could you help with this? At least then they would have a small income.
If he/she is struggling to function, could you help him/ her to apply for PIP ?

I meant cooking 2 dinners each day. They eat the dinners I cook for the family.

Madam, with all due respect your attitude is the type that develops these this type of lazy, entitled baby-men. THis is a grown man, not a child.

I hope women parenting children listen to this - getting kids on the right track begins at birth. Your kids are programmed to love you, so stop trying to be a friend. You are raising a human being that is going to grow into an adult that will need to face challenges and have to earn their way in the world. Kids need parents they have friends in their peers. I was very strict on my son when he was young, my mother said he was going to grow up to hate me. I could spend hours just relating who much my family used to talk about how I was so harsh on my son.

I am a loving mother and told my son every day how much I loved him, but if the grades went below a B or C I unplugged all the TV's and computers etc until grades went up. Once it took six weeks before he watched TV or played video games in my house. When he was six years old I decided to drive to LA and take my son to Disneyland. He kept acting up and I told him very firmly that he needed to settle down so I could concentrate on driving, if he didn't I would turn around and go home. He started up again after about an hour and I never said a word to him I pulled to a gas station filled up the car and turned the car around. He asked why are we going this way, mommy. I simply said "we are going home like I told you." That was the best parenting decision I ever made because my son always knew his mother did play around or make idle threats. His mother meant business. He never stepped out of line again for the rest of his childhood. I never had to hit him, raise my voice or tell him twice because I always followed through with whatever the consequences were of his actions. My mother still talks about how whenever I told my son to do something he was there "Johnny on the spot" doing what he was told to do - like it was some amazing miracle. But it wasn't a miracle it was just being a parent instead of pal. My son has always known he is the single most important person in my world - but I never spoilt him. As a grown man he and I have a different relationship and he visits me almost every week. So I guess he didn't grow up to hate me.

My son graduated high school with an advanced diploma, graduated college and has lived on his own since he was 19. He has always had a job since he was 16. He is a fine young man who is responsible and takes care of himself. He talks of how he is going to raise his kids the same way I raised him. He even joked with me recently that I had gone soft when I let a child who is visiting have an extra cookie, I told him that ain't my kid so it wasn't my problem.

His overindulged cousins are lazy and worthless, my spoilt indulged niece intentionally got herself pregnant at 16 so she could drop out of high school, stay home and mooch. Her parents just praise her and tell her how beautiful she is and she is "a light onto the world". She is a lazy, self-important, pot-smoking narcissist that looks for sympathy and attention. She brags about how she gets high everyday. Now she is bringing a baby into the world and still smokes weed. Her parents are still indulging her and telling her not to worry and how they will always be there to help her and the baby. Her father posts pictures of them together saying how lucky he is to have a daughter who is so beautiful inside and out. The girl is such a piece of trash that no one in the family wants her around them for more than a few hours. No one can stand her for more than that. She isn't sure who the baby daddy is yet but she narrowed it down to two possibilities. WTF?!

My DP's DS is 22 and still like this, I can't fathom how it is allowed to continue unchecked. It's a big source of frustration for me and I'm not even their parent.

If it was my adult child, I would be forcing them to apply for UC, they could help with job hunting. Failing that, again if it was my DC I think I'd be giving them an ultimatum. Totally agree that you shouldnt be supporting a grown-ass adult too.

Isn't it fascinating how quickly people jump in to accuse me of awful things - sometimes it's being too soft or permissive, sometimes it's ignoring potential and varied mental health crises. Almost as if they are projecting.

I appreciate the time other people have taken in engaging with me on this thread. I have spent time thinking about these responses, and have been considering and pursuing various avenues of support for my child, including a simple offer of a movie night and treats of their choosing, which has been gladly accepted.

I will be supporting them as they start their new job, and this university course. I will ponder how best to maintain boundaries while doing so.

I will not engage in this thread any further, however.

It is fascinating.... My favourite condescending post was the one that started ''madam''. I found that quite triggering! And it wasn't even directed at me. I have one child who is no trouble at all and one who is not flourishing withing the systems that exist, shall we say. Same ''parenting'' to begin with, tailored when I see how different they are. But people with children who can work well within a system, that's pot luck half the time.

Dear OP I totally understand your frustration as I have three kids of similar age. What you are describing to me is similar to what I see in my house every day, especially the behavior, communication, attitude, however, as they are all similar in many ways (and btw so different from us when we were that age), they are also very different. My kids have all started working at the age of 15 (one of them was 14.5) and from that point on they have been covering most of their personal expenses. However, my position was always that I will pay for “room and board” and this is what I have been doing, so I do not ask them to contribute to the house expenses at all. I personally do not mind cooking and cleaning as this gives me joy and a sense of purpose, but I do only make dinner while they are responsible for their own breakfast and lunch, and they also clean their own rooms. They each have a chore or two that they are mostly not happy to do and need to be reminded of. While this is what I am happy and comfortable with you may not be, of course.

The thing is we are all different, we have different wants and needs and financial capabilities, and so you need to think about all this very honestly and decide where to draw the line. I personally would never kick my child out no matter how frustrated I would be with them, but I know that people do that and it sometimes helps them grow up and take responsibility. To me, however, it would be more acceptable to try and work things out by drawing boundaries, communicating expectations and if you cannot speak with them, which I know is often challenging, write them a letter. But, please be reasonable and realistic in your expectations, do not ask too much as this may just push them away.

I hope you work this out OP, I really do. Just remember when it seems they are pushing you away they probably need you the most.

I'm in a similar position as the adult child living at my grandparents. Never had a job and suffer from severe mental health disorders and disabilities including ASD. I don't leave my room, have no friends or a life. Could just be that they need a bit of help, but they need to actually want help themselves, that's the first step. I've been in a 7 Yr relationship and I don't see myself moving out any time soon as I've just come out of a depressive episode that could've ended up badly if I didn't have the support of my family at home.