Getting young adult child to move out.

[UtterNuff]

No motivation, no internal drive to make one's life bigger than the screen in front of them.

The only reason they leave the house is to access the WiFi at the library because I've changed the password amd have stopped paying for a big data package.

They have been offered a part time job starting in the next week or so, but they do very little overall unless explicitly outlined in excruciating detail. If I hadn't forced them to start applying, they never would have done it.

Waves of resentment pour off of them. No gratitude, no efforts to pull their weight around the house while they make grand plans for various schemes that don't come to pass.

I have little resource to gently guide them. No extended family, no spare cash. I feel utterly bamboozled in the face of someone who doesn't want to earn, to live independently, to exist outside their bedroom.

Any time I push back against the negative behaviour I am met with stony silence or self diagnosed mental health issues (been to the gp, nothing was offered - or so I've been told). I am continually lied to (I can't even guarantee that this job is real), and I suspect I have been lied to for a long time. I assumed good faith but I fear I am wrong in that.

I have offered steady support and understanding for many years, reaching out to various charities and even social services, but it can't be forced. They won't engage in such things, so that's that.

My frustration at feeling taken advantage of by someone who should be fledging but is instead determinedly inert is increasing by the day.

I need them to move out. I cannot financially support an adult who will not pitch in or help with family life in any way. I'm struggling with this. I don't see a way out. No job, no means of supporting oneself, no way to leave. I can see another 10 years slipping by without any changes, if I don't push them along. I don't want them unsafe, but I can't do this for much longer. What can I do?

Even those with mental health problems still have to get by and work.

This is true only if the mental health problems are mild or in remission. About half the disabled people on disability benefits as they are unable to work are disabled by mental health disorders. It doesn’t help to be dismissive of “mental health problems” and frankly your advice is reckless. If the OPs DC is depressed or has ASD- it’s obvious something is not right or normal about their behaviour- then making their home life terrible to push them out when they have nowhere to go and no ability to support themselves could very well result in the DC getting worse with suicidal thoughts, ideation, plans, attempts, completion. Look up suicide risk for young people with depression or ASD, the statistics will shock you. The OP needs to proceed gently and with compassion.

It's really hard. I've got a similar DS, he does have a few friends, he is generally pleasant, but shows absolutely no motivation to do anything. If I ask him to clean the kitchen he will, but it doesn't occur to him to do it, it doesn't occur to him to do anything. He is allegedly preparing a portfolio for possible uni entry this September, but hasn't actually applied to anywhere.
One of his brother s was similar, but had major health problems, so a little more excuse. He spent 3 years in his bedroom but has now got his second job and is earning good money , which in turn is making him a lot more positive in outlook. But he is noticeably 3 years behind his peers in terms of housing/relationships/general adulting.
Internet use makes it easy to stay inside, I hesitate to turn it off because it is actually a lifeline in a lot of ways, but it does mean introverts who are a bit afraid of the world can use it as a shield.
I don't know what the answer, is I've tried suggesting counselling, GP to consider DX for ADHD, online courses, undemanding jobs, everything I can think of.
I'm really posting just to say you are not alone.

You're not unreasonable at all. If they don't help, a deadline should be set and not 4 or 5 years, that's nuts.

20 years old should be old enough to know that life isn't a free ride.

Even those with mental health problems still have to get by and work.

You can have a prize for displaying such huge ignorance surrounding mental health

Hi OP

One of my my friends had this problem with their DS years ago. Their DS was unemployed in their early 20's, had no real goals in life, was hanging around the house most of the day with a bad attitude. Nothing seemed to work to get them to try and improve their situation (even turning off the electric to the house during daytime hours). My friend had to lay down the law a bit and basically forced them to volunteer at a charity shop for a few days a week (16-20 hours).

It wasn't an overnight change but giving them a work routine that involved socialising with other staff there and the public seemed to snap my friend's DS out of his rut over time and he really started to enjoy it. Eventually he used it as a reference to help himself get a retail job 6 months later and he's never reverted back to the immature previous version of himself.

Could be worth a giving a go? If they are acting this immature now, they probably wouldn't deal well or cope with being forced to move out. I know you can't keep letting them get away with this behaviour forever but sounds like there are more changes you could make before you use the nuclear option?

It sounds like you're making their life a bit too cozy at the moment (where you said they are not pulling their weight around the house). You're still cooking/cleaning for them? They're an adult, they should be doing that themselves now. If they're not bothered about you blocking them out from the Wi-Fi, there must be something else you can do that would bother them enough to seriously start thinking about changing for the better. I'm guessing if they had to do all their washing, cooking and cleaning they might start to feel the squeeze and maybe do something about it.

There are charities that might be able to help with the mental health side of things as well, such as Mind - www.mind.org.uk

Good luck!

Tricky one. You can't blood out of a stone so to speak. lets hope this part time job comes off and that may give them a little more motivation.

If they are not contributing anything to the household financially, they need to be contributing in other ways.
Are you providing food and cooked meals? Doing their washing? clearing up after them? Cleaning the bathroom they use? etc.

If so, tell them they are now responsible for these things. That might give them more incentive if they are not having everything done for them. perhaps cooking wise, tell them they are now responsible for cooking half the week and you the other? As I'm sure it would be annoying if both cooking at the same time different meals (and somewhat pointless if you eat together). get them doing jobs for you in lieu of financial contribution. Can't pay anything this week? - ok garden needs weeding, weekly shop needs doing, car needs washing. Don't let them sit on their backside.

If they still don't pay any attention and ignore all requests, not sure what else you can do except starve them out! (joking.......sort of )

Apply on their behalf for a council flat /HA. At 20 my ds had been in the army for 2 years. Another ds was saving hard for a deposit..
Dd was at uni and had a pt job.
Sorry but you have made their life way too easy. Do you cook /wash /shop for the lazy article?

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

The council flat idea isn't realistic I'm afraid. Families with children take priority and the waiting list these days is absolutely huge (some people wait 10+ years). Their application could even be rejected straight off as they are able to live with OP. I agree with the latter part of your post though.

I have taken practical steps to make them engage and take responsibility, I don't do washing and I don't clean up after them, they have a few chores and they are expected to leave the house each day to apply for jobs or update their CV, etc. (Using library WiFi)

The assumption that I am facilitating and encouraging being taken advantage of is wrong. They just don't wash their clothes instead of me doing it. They are welcome to eat dinner but I can't afford 2 meals to be made each day. They don't contribute to the household beyond what is asked, which admittedly isn't much. But their ability to stonewall me, ignore me, and carry on as if everything is fine, is off the charts. I had an uncomfortable conversation with them this morning - but conversation is the wrong word because they wouldn't look at me or even speak. I feel as though I am without resource or ability.

And I am looking into getting their father to weigh in with practical support, such as paying for counselling. They have cut him off and don't want to speak with him, but I cannot be the only adult taking responsibility for them. I simply don't have it in me.

If they are starting part time work and planning on going to summer school then that's a couple of big steps. I wouldn't judge as criticism will make them less motivated. Support them in starting the job, engaging in society may help. And take it a step at a time. If you are saying you can't afford to support your child now they are adult then ask for a percentage of their wage. I'm assuming no pocket money? The problem is you have an idea of what your child should be and it's not the case. Their are getting a job, they are looking at further education I think you need to give up your idea of what a young adult looks like and accept what you have. If they don't go to uni then they need to get a full time job and pay their way. But until then it sounds like enough. Online is very typical of teens /young adults and is actually a good way to socialise.

@UtterNuff

Am I wrong to expect this? To want to see them get out into the world and doing things? I feel as though I am always pushing for it. Waiting for them to start would be waiting for Godot in real life.

I have talked at length about things. I don't know what else to say.

I totally hear your frustration. They could be travelling, inter railing, living in Amsterdam, Barcelona, volunteering abroad. What a waste. Id just give a date to be out by. 20 is adult.

Even if they were diagnosed with depression, they still need to take steps to recover.

What income do they have?

Change the password on the netflix account regularly and can only have it once XYZ is done around the house

I'd ask them to leave and give a months notice.
Ask them to present to the council to get on the housing register and to the job centre to make a benefit application.

This isn't depression, its manipulation and sheer laziness. Go to court and file and eviction notice. Have a friend serve him. He will have to get a job and move out, or join the armed forces. Either works. But no 20 year old should be living off their parents. My brothers and I all moved out at 17and never went back. Even though things are more costly now, there are such things as two jobs and room mates to help with that.. This child is just a bum trying to guilt trip you into taking care of him forever. T

Tell him verbally that he has until July 1st to get out and if no plans to join the military or move out on his own are in the works, on June 1st you will file eviction papers to have him forcibly removed. Stand firm. He will thank you later when he realizes his life was going nowhere.

The stonewalling is too much. If they won't engage, I think you have to give them notice to quit.

I think you need to show some compassion and empathy.
For someone who perhaps has an underlying condition, your approach which comes across as harsh and only caring about finances / success will not encourage them to share feelings or problems with you.

Also just because the gp says nothing is wrong does not mean this is so.
Nhs mh services are notoriously bad.

My dd was similar with low drive and motivation.
Gp was useless as were nhs mh services.

Finally came to end of my tether and paid £50 for a private consultation with a qualified mh professional. Adhd was flagged up.

To cut a long story short, was formally diagnosed by a psychiatrist, is now on medication and on the road to doing normal things like getting a job and going to uni.

I think initially, you need to change your attitude and encourage them to open up to you.

Could it be autism ? Depression is a co morbidity.
Whatever happens you need to ensure that your dc is supported enough when/ if they move out so as to minimise the chances of not coping and ending up homeless on the street.

You're not feeding them so they must be eating somewhere which indicates an income of some kind.

You're coldness makes me wonder if you both have some underlying condition

You don't appear to work either so you're under each other feet. Perhaps if you got a job it would help you financially and mentally

I hear you. It'd be one thing if they'd talk to you about their frustrations or fears but living under your roof and deliberately stonewalling you, that'd drive me crazy.

@justasking111

You don't appear to work either so you're under each other feet. Perhaps if you got a job it would help you financially and mentally

Are you kidding!?!?!?!? What a jackass remark.

I really can’t tell if this is a situation of an offspring simply waiting through the natural somewhat short gap between the end of school and the start of university or if it’s an actual failure to launch situation.

This sounds so difficult 😞

I know how hard it is to go hardline eg denying Wi-Fi, be on their back constantly re helping out, making an effort. That awful internal conflict of wanting to look after them but knowing the right thing to do is to step right back.

And it's just miserable to have such a negative energy in your home.

I fully support your belief that they should be making much more effort to help out, pay their way, and launch.

To me it does sound like depression and/or anxiety, that whole lethargy and inertia state, but even so they need to take responsibility for their well-being.

Short of letting out your home and moving abroad temporarily I don't know what to suggest! But I feel for you.

I don't think people in here are going to be much help, most just like to shame or brag.
What sort of support do you have for yourself?