Getting young adult child to move out.

[UtterNuff]

No motivation, no internal drive to make one's life bigger than the screen in front of them.

The only reason they leave the house is to access the WiFi at the library because I've changed the password amd have stopped paying for a big data package.

They have been offered a part time job starting in the next week or so, but they do very little overall unless explicitly outlined in excruciating detail. If I hadn't forced them to start applying, they never would have done it.

Waves of resentment pour off of them. No gratitude, no efforts to pull their weight around the house while they make grand plans for various schemes that don't come to pass.

I have little resource to gently guide them. No extended family, no spare cash. I feel utterly bamboozled in the face of someone who doesn't want to earn, to live independently, to exist outside their bedroom.

Any time I push back against the negative behaviour I am met with stony silence or self diagnosed mental health issues (been to the gp, nothing was offered - or so I've been told). I am continually lied to (I can't even guarantee that this job is real), and I suspect I have been lied to for a long time. I assumed good faith but I fear I am wrong in that.

I have offered steady support and understanding for many years, reaching out to various charities and even social services, but it can't be forced. They won't engage in such things, so that's that.

My frustration at feeling taken advantage of by someone who should be fledging but is instead determinedly inert is increasing by the day.

I need them to move out. I cannot financially support an adult who will not pitch in or help with family life in any way. I'm struggling with this. I don't see a way out. No job, no means of supporting oneself, no way to leave. I can see another 10 years slipping by without any changes, if I don't push them along. I don't want them unsafe, but I can't do this for much longer. What can I do?

Your point about college is interesting; I was bright, good good GCSE results, they could have been better if I’d worked harder. I was able to get OK results with minimal effort.

A Levels - well! The jump was simply too much for me; I just didn’t understand what was wrong with what I’d submitted.

I also worked in a sixth form college for a while; it wasn’t that unusual for the kids in the Upper Sixth to start misbehaving/poor performance as they loved it and wanted their time their to be longer; they’re only there 18 months really. Some found the prospect of having to start afresh again at uni too much after they made such close connections.

An apprenticeship would work well for young person who struggled with the lack of routine in college. It doesn't have to be degree level, there are range available, although sounds like they have the grades. Personally I think necessity is the mother of invention, they need to have no choice but to get on with it.

Are you willing to address what income your DC has? It’s been asked and is surely significant.

Is it just the two of you in the house, OP? When they start uni, will they live at home? I'd flat out refuse that, tbh, given how they are with you. You shouldn't have to feel like that in your own home.

What course would they do? Does it involve interacting with others?

Does "they" mean that your child has a gender identity crisis or are you just keeping their sex private?

I think I'd get them to save now for a deposit on a place to live at uni - given their attitude, I wouldn't be a guarantor. I'd assume they wouldn't pay their rent and would let you pay it for them.

Tbh I thought you were going to say that your adult child was 30 or something!

I hear where you are coming from op, this situation is deeply unsatisfactory for you and your offspring, but 20 is still quite young. They are only out of their teens and they haven't had the opportunity to explore their independence as normal for the last two years. The pandemic has been particularly hard on the young and living your life through a screen doesn't help teens and young adults mature!

You and his father have to form a team over this and get them launched. It's horrible having to be implacable and strict over this sort of thing but it is for their benefit in the long term.

I think in your shoes I would focus on the summer school/university side of this and start acting as though this is going ahead, whether you believe it or not. You can't control your offspring but you can control how you respond to this. Give them lots of notice and say that their room will not be available during the summer school period. Get their dad involved. You may have to do something drastic like rent out their room during university term time. You can say you need the money. It might be the last thing you want to do but you can still support them at university. There are usually good student support services available where they can explore their self diagnosed my condition.

This is an American website but covers some of the issues it's very existence indicates you are not alone

If get him tested for ASD

@Wildlingbobble

I was the same when I was 20 - not ungrateful or unpleasant but couldn’t cope with life generally. Room a mess, couldn’t hold down a full time job, no drive. No one outside the home would’ve known because I seemed to have loads of friends & the misconception is that you have to seem ‘sad’ all the time to be depressed. Mental health services in the UK (assuming you are from the UK?) are horrific & when I was close to suicidal I was put on a 6 month waiting list… only to see a half hearted counselor at the end of it, who was neither use nor ornament. It was a terrifying time for me

My mum had the attitude that I was lazy, only needed to go and get a job, I was impacting her life too much etc. No gentle encouragement, just making me feel guilty. As a PP said, making my life miserable didn’t encourage me to get better, it only made me more depressed.

When I was 22 I met a boyfriend who I became very close with very quickly, and whose own mum started to treat me like her own. I felt supported and strong for the first time in years and as a result applied for university the following year.

I am now late 20’s, successful and self sufficient… but my relationship with my mum will never recover from how she treated me when I needed her. Not saying your son/daughter is most definitely depressed, but it sure sounds like it to me. The fact nothing has been offered by the GP means nothing - I’ve found that’s usually the case unless someone has actively tried to commit suicide. I know it must be terribly difficult for you but there’s a chance that your child really needs your support. Good luck

Wildlingbobble Great post. I am really sorry you had that experience as a teen. It's also awful that the mh services haven't improved much and are still inadequate. It's so short sighted when, in cases like yourself, early intervention would probably have made a huge difference. Can I just add as a mother of adult teens, that sometimes you are so scared for them that you can't see the situation objectively and what comes across as harshness is actually anxiety for your dc and their future. This may not have been the case for your mother of course, and I am not excusing her behaviour in any way as you obviously didn't get the support you needed, but I just know that when I am anxious sometimes, I come across as unsympathetic to one of my teens when I am actually scared for her and don't know what to do for the best! It's great to hear that life is going well for you now

Apologies forgot to post the website mentioned previously:

www.optimumperformanceinstitute.com/failure-to-launch-syndrome/

I get it op.

You cannot afford to support your adult child any longer. He has to get a job and he has to pay you to live with you.

It must really get you down.

I think and of course, I could be wrong, that this isn’t laziness or awkwardness but much more likely a combination of low mood, loss of confidence and fear. Perhaps there could also be ASC or ADD in the mix too. Perhaps the structure of school kept your child ‘on track’ and as you say, the problems began during college. Maybe if there are issues with ASC they may just have become apparent when your child has had to motivate and drive themselves rather than being in the predictable environment of school. College and the pandemic may well have caused your child to feel lost. It’s not unusual for young people to struggle with the transition from school to college under ordinary circumstances let alone with a pandemic to cope with. The bedroom is safe, home is safe, Netflix is safe. The world is a frightening place when you’ve lost your confidence. Start with baby steps- short trips out, taking responsibility for small things. If your child is depressed they will struggle even with these small things so I would return to the GP and push for a proper depression screen to ensure that hasn’t been missed.

@Cimone

This isn't depression, its manipulation and sheer laziness. Go to court and file and eviction notice. Have a friend serve him. He will have to get a job and move out, or join the armed forces. Either works. But no 20 year old should be living off their parents. My brothers and I all moved out at 17and never went back. Even though things are more costly now, there are such things as two jobs and room mates to help with that.. This child is just a bum trying to guilt trip you into taking care of him forever. T

Tell him verbally that he has until July 1st to get out and if no plans to join the military or move out on his own are in the works, on June 1st you will file eviction papers to have him forcibly removed. Stand firm. He will thank you later when he realizes his life was going nowhere.

Your poor kids.

@UtterNuff I am laughing at some of the suggestions. Whether you suspect he has ASD is academic at the moment as you need to start small and build up.
For the record I have 3 sons, youngest is off to uni in September and would like to never work and stay in his room forever. He will need your help for finance, maybe start with that and looking at his options for housing. Where is he planning on coming for holidays/ breaks? If it's home then you could consider laying down new boundaries.
I still think he is very young but I understand your frustration. I have two with asd (one with huge mental health problems too) and one NT. They are all so different with attitudes to friends, work, depression, life In general.
I would just try and refocus him and if he stonewalls let him come to you. Just try and be patient. And I mean that kindly.

Where are posters getting that he's male?

They are going to uni and starting a job so that's positive. I'd see how that goes before coming down too hard on them.

If she/he is as demotivated and anxious as you say they are then I don’t think university will be the right place for them right now. She/he needs a job. There’s nothing wrong with a 20yo living with their parents, but the lack of aspiration is a huge problem.

@Cimone
“This isn't depression, its manipulation and sheer laziness. Go to court and file and eviction notice. Have a friend serve him. He will have to get a job and move out, or join the armed forces. Either works. But no 20 year old should be living off their parents. My brothers and I all moved out at 17and never went back. Even though things are more costly now, there are such things as two jobs and room mates to help with that.. This child is just a bum trying to guilt trip you into taking care of him forever. T

Tell him verbally that he has until July 1st to get out and if no plans to join the military or move out on his own are in the works, on June 1st you will file eviction papers to have him forcibly removed. Stand firm. He will thank you later when he realizes his life was going nowhere.“

Just ....Wow

Can you talk about it in a sympathetic way instead of showing your very understandable frustration, Tell them that failure to launch has become a huge issue among twenty somethings and has got worse over lockdown, and because you love him, you want to ensure this doesn't happen to him.

Take his 'grand plans for various schemes' seriously. But have general discussions with him about the difference between desire and drive. Desire is wanting somehting really badly and hoping it will happen. Drive is taking action to make it happen. one works, the other doesn't. One is fundamentally immature, the other is mature.

Can you set some guidelines of him and explain very clearly they are not punishments or nagging, they are you respecting his ability to behave as an adult and requiring him to respect you as a fellow adult who is not his skivvy or his mummy any more. You are his mum - adult to adult. He needs to cook for the family twice a week in the evenings or at weekends and cleafr up the pans he uses afterwards. he needs to help clean the house every week for at least an hour - hoovering, scrubbing loos and bathtubs - understanding that a bit of elbow grease is required from all adults to keep their every day lives functioning.

And maybe tell him that a condition of him staying at home is that he takes up some sort of fitness plan or sport as well as his new job. Phrase it all as you wanting him to have a rich, interesting life and excellent health - not nagging but nudging.

*@Cimone
“This isn't depression, its manipulation and sheer laziness. Go to court and file and eviction notice. Have a friend serve him. He will have to get a job and move out, or join the armed forces. Either works. But no 20 year old should be living off their parents. My brothers and I all moved out at 17and never went back. Even though things are more costly now, there are such things as two jobs and room mates to help with that.. This child is just a bum trying to guilt trip you into taking care of him forever. T

Tell him verbally that he has until July 1st to get out and if no plans to join the military or move out on his own are in the works, on June 1st you will file eviction papers to have him forcibly removed. Stand firm. He will thank you later when he realizes his life was going nowhere.“*

Crikey. Nice way to treat your own child.

I am in the same position. Have tried to gently coax dc, supporting with private counselling, moved so more central, use of car, encouraging whatever qualifications aspire to. Got to the end of my tether when failed to attend counselling. That’s all it took and now I have no relationship with dc. I was in a no win situation.

Are they claiming UC ? If not get them to do it !

Get them on the kick start program !! and contributing if only £10 a week !!

When did he go to college 16 or 18? I think there's that age when whatever your parents say to you is wrong. Some of us are better at hiding it ( I wasn't) You know they love you but they annoy you so much. I'm sure you feel the same !!

Hopefully with the new job they will make some friends.

Someone has beat me to it. I was about to suggest adhd. I am waiting for a assessment myself having realised I most likely have inattentive adhd. Apparently medication can make a huge difference. Might be worth getting a diagnosis.

Although I've been told I've got to wait two effin" years before I can have an assessment. Not "treatment" but just an assessment to get a diagnosis.

Mental health support in this country sucks.

Sorry if I haven't been helpful but I wouldn't be surprised if they've been dismissed by their G.P. There are some out there who do not give a damn.

If ASD emotional age can be approx 6 years behind an NT person meaning OPs son could be functioning as a 14 year old - way too young to be living independently - some people on here are just clueless 🙄

And that's before considering anxiety and depression which as previous posters have said are co morbidities.

It's really not easy as a parent I'm only too aware - I have a 24 year old son on the spectrum

OP - you say 'other things happened at college which had an impact'. Therefore we might assume your son/daughter isn't just lazy. 20 is still young and early days (no matter what the 'I moved out at 17 and never looked back' brigade might say). So he/she has a part-time job - take some interest . He/she has a place at uni..accommodation? - again take some interest. Just give it a bit longer. Sorry from your OP I thought your son/daughter was 30 and still at home.