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Original poster

Getting young adult child to move out.

116 replies

UtterNuff · 16/03/2022 20:13

No motivation, no internal drive to make one's life bigger than the screen in front of them.

The only reason they leave the house is to access the WiFi at the library because I've changed the password amd have stopped paying for a big data package.

They have been offered a part time job starting in the next week or so, but they do very little overall unless explicitly outlined in excruciating detail. If I hadn't forced them to start applying, they never would have done it.

Waves of resentment pour off of them. No gratitude, no efforts to pull their weight around the house while they make grand plans for various schemes that don't come to pass.

I have little resource to gently guide them. No extended family, no spare cash. I feel utterly bamboozled in the face of someone who doesn't want to earn, to live independently, to exist outside their bedroom.

Any time I push back against the negative behaviour I am met with stony silence or self diagnosed mental health issues (been to the gp, nothing was offered - or so I've been told). I am continually lied to (I can't even guarantee that this job is real), and I suspect I have been lied to for a long time. I assumed good faith but I fear I am wrong in that.

I have offered steady support and understanding for many years, reaching out to various charities and even social services, but it can't be forced. They won't engage in such things, so that's that.

My frustration at feeling taken advantage of by someone who should be fledging but is instead determinedly inert is increasing by the day.

I need them to move out. I cannot financially support an adult who will not pitch in or help with family life in any way. I'm struggling with this. I don't see a way out. No job, no means of supporting oneself, no way to leave. I can see another 10 years slipping by without any changes, if I don't push them along. I don't want them unsafe, but I can't do this for much longer. What can I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
UtterNuff · 17/03/2022 15:12

@Blossom64265

I really can’t tell if this is a situation of an offspring simply waiting through the natural somewhat short gap between the end of school and the start of university or if it’s an actual failure to launch situation.
Well it's hard to say. I donr know how long is reasonable to wait and see.
OP posts:
Original poster
UtterNuff · 17/03/2022 15:13

I've been deliberately vague here so the inferences on my behaviour, character, and employment status are quite astonishing.

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 17/03/2022 15:15

You keep referring to your child as “they”, can I ask if there is a reason for that?

drawingpad · 17/03/2022 15:17

@justasking111

You don't appear to work either so you're under each other feet. Perhaps if you got a job it would help you financially and mentally

How did you reach this conclusion?

sweetbellyhigh · 17/03/2022 15:27

@LizzieSiddal

You keep referring to your child as “they”, can I ask if there is a reason for that?
What in god's name does it matter?
drawingpad · 17/03/2022 15:34

@LizzieSiddal

You keep referring to your child as “they”, can I ask if there is a reason for that?

Probably the same reason OP has been vague in other details. To protect being recognised

Wheresmytrainers · 17/03/2022 15:37

What was their motivation like during school years?

Stroppypeople · 17/03/2022 15:43

@Wheresmytrainers

What was their motivation like during school years?
This.Is it a gradual change or has this child always been withdrawn etc.
KevinTheKoala · 17/03/2022 15:49

20 is very young to expect them to be moved out, and remember they have missed out on a huge part of growing up due to the last 2 years we've had! It is really expensive trying to privately rent etc. Apathy and lack of motivation is a huge red flag for depression, and they might well be right that nothing was really offered at a GP appointment. Support for mental health is diabolical at the minute and when you are lacking motivation and energy to do anything being given a number for self referral to be put on a waiting list for months and months on end really does feel like nothing.

Making their life miserable isn't going to help them move out it's just going to make them even more miserable - and that existence is miserable. I understand that you are desperate OP but do they have any kind of income? Universal credit? Hopefully a part time job will give them more confidence and more desire to better themselves but honestly I do think that when you sign up to have children you are signing up for a minimum of 18 years supporting that person and I wouldn't be rushing to push them out at 20. (Contributing to the household yes, but not moving out).

BigSandyBalls2015 · 17/03/2022 15:55

Not many 20 year olds move out these days, unless to Uni. Everything is very expensive.

Having said that, the lack of drive and focus would drive me mad. And I would also worry, as it's not normal. I'm presuming it's a DS, I think they are more prone to this sort of behaviour than DDs ... sweeping generalisation I know, but based on my experience with friends.

Lurking9to5 · 17/03/2022 15:58

My dd 19 is at college but i can see my younger dc not doing well enough to go to uni, not being proactive enough to get a job.... 20 may seem young to some but i can imagine op is waiting to see what if anything will ever be a catalyst for change

Ceriane · 17/03/2022 17:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wildlingbobble · 17/03/2022 17:18

I was the same when I was 20 - not ungrateful or unpleasant but couldn’t cope with life generally. Room a mess, couldn’t hold down a full time job, no drive. No one outside the home would’ve known because I seemed to have loads of friends & the misconception is that you have to seem ‘sad’ all the time to be depressed. Mental health services in the UK (assuming you are from the UK?) are horrific & when I was close to suicidal I was put on a 6 month waiting list… only to see a half hearted counselor at the end of it, who was neither use nor ornament. It was a terrifying time for me

My mum had the attitude that I was lazy, only needed to go and get a job, I was impacting her life too much etc. No gentle encouragement, just making me feel guilty. As a PP said, making my life miserable didn’t encourage me to get better, it only made me more depressed.

When I was 22 I met a boyfriend who I became very close with very quickly, and whose own mum started to treat me like her own. I felt supported and strong for the first time in years and as a result applied for university the following year.

I am now late 20’s, successful and self sufficient… but my relationship with my mum will never recover from how she treated me when I needed her. Not saying your son/daughter is most definitely depressed, but it sure sounds like it to me. The fact nothing has been offered by the GP means nothing - I’ve found that’s usually the case unless someone has actively tried to commit suicide. I know it must be terribly difficult for you but there’s a chance that your child really needs your support. Good luck Flowers

Original poster
UtterNuff · 17/03/2022 17:24

I have spoked with my DC's father today, who has asserted that despite our child's assertion that they will forever cut him out of their life, he will support them. Details are still being discussed, but that's something.

Perhaps you are right, and I should focus on the positives on rhe horizon, but unfortunately we've been here before.

I'm considering all perspectives, even those that make me feel guilty or flinch. I understand I have a responsibility to support my child, of course. But getting from here (situation as described) to there (a self supporting adult) feels a Sisyphean task.

OP posts:
Takethecake0 · 17/03/2022 17:30

What are they like as a child and a teen? How did they get on with school and their peers?

Is this a new thing or have they always had difficulties?

Original poster
UtterNuff · 17/03/2022 17:34

School - great marks, very high gcse's
College is when it fell apart, the work load or variable schedule, not sure. I encouraged them to attend on days off to ensure work was manageable, but it didn't happen.

There are other thing that went on then, that I'm sure have impacted on them.

I am pursuing possible CBT, if they will engage. I'll try.

OP posts:
Takethecake0 · 17/03/2022 17:37

If they got on well in life until they were at college then there seems to me a lot of hope things can change for them. To me it sounds like they are scared of the world and of life and only feel secure in their online bubble. Massive lack of confidence coming out as stone walling, laziness and entitlement.

theqentity · 17/03/2022 17:38

@UtterNuff

I have spoked with my DC's father today, who has asserted that despite our child's assertion that they will forever cut him out of their life, he will support them. Details are still being discussed, but that's something.

Perhaps you are right, and I should focus on the positives on rhe horizon, but unfortunately we've been here before.

I'm considering all perspectives, even those that make me feel guilty or flinch. I understand I have a responsibility to support my child, of course. But getting from here (situation as described) to there (a self supporting adult) feels a Sisyphean task.

Your turn of phrase is interesting. Strong vocab mixed with glaring grammatical errors 'I have spoked'. Are you and your child similar in any ways, OP?
watcherintherye · 17/03/2022 17:39

Tell him verbally that he has until July 1st to get out and if no plans to join the military or move out on his own are in the works, on June 1st you will file eviction papers to have him forcibly removed. Stand firm. He will thank you later when he realizes his life was going nowhere.

He will thank you later.

You think?

Velvian · 17/03/2022 17:42

My 24 YO is like this. I'm trying to get him to pursue an ASD diagnosis. Had he been a young child now, he would have had a lot more support than he had. With hindsight, he had very obvious ASD traits as a child.

He does have a degree and he has had 1 job, but that's it really. He us currently unemployed and rarely leaves his bedroom.

It helped me when DS applied for Universal Credit. It meant someone else was driving him to get a job. He is back on it now at the end of his temporary contract.

Original poster
UtterNuff · 17/03/2022 17:48

Your turn of phrase is interesting. Strong vocab mixed with glaring grammatical errors 'I have spoked'. Are you and your child similar in any ways, OP?

Fat thumbs and a small phone screen.

OP posts:
Wrinklepicker · 17/03/2022 17:51

How are they financing themselves? Any UC? The Jobcentre can offer a lot of support in finding a job and you can ask them to hand over a % of their income as board if you are struggling to make ends meet.

carefullycourageous · 17/03/2022 17:53

They've had a bit of a tough time, if they have cut out their father that is going to really be hard. Plus COVID for the last two years has made everything even worse.

I would try very hard to focus on the positives coming up and only if Uni does not happen discuss them moving out.

But you do need a harsh and blunt chat about not being able to live with the oppressive atmosphere, that is absolutely not OK for you.

YerAWizardHarry · 17/03/2022 17:55

Sounds like how I was as a teenager, very clever up to a point but I hadn’t learned the coping strategies for getting through work that was actually difficult. I’ve been diagnosed as inattentive ADHD as an adult. Went through the rigmarole of “oh it’s depression” “oh it’s laziness”. Lost jobs, dropped out of college, repeated whole years of university. It wasn’t until I was medicated that I had the drive to study/apply myself/have some sort of life

Lurking9to5 · 17/03/2022 17:57

Do you have other children? I have visualised moving to get my son out!! He'd stay in that box room after the new people moved in.

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