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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found my straight partner on Grindr??

119 replies

Snec · 16/03/2022 13:38

I need some advice

I have been with my partner coming up 4 years and we live together. Was sorting the washing yesterday and his phone was in the bedroom, a notification popped up and it was the app Grindr

This absolutely blindsided me and I then found myself unlocking his phone and on the app, what I found honestly made me feel sick, he has been sending pictures of himself and receiving pictures back from other men.

I brought up that I saw the notification pop up and he said he doesn’t know what it is and must of downloaded it years ago and just dismissed it, so now I know that he has lied about it because I have seen the messages.

What the f do I do 😩😩 clearly the trust is not there and now he has lied about it

OP posts:
CaMePlaitPas · 16/03/2022 13:39

He's not straight if he's on grindr.

You'll have leave him, there's no trust there.

CaMePlaitPas · 16/03/2022 13:41

And get yourself an STD test. He might have downloaded out of curiosity but the messages suggest he might have been looking for more and he may have had casual hook ups.

NutellaEllaElla · 16/03/2022 13:42

So sorry op he's looking to cheat if he hasn't already and he's not straight.

Original poster
Snec · 16/03/2022 13:43

Thank you both for such quick responses

I think I know what needs to happen but it’s breaking my heart

OP posts:
hamstersarse · 16/03/2022 13:45

How awful for you OP.

You've been lied to on multiple levels. A big betrayal for you.

What is your living / financial situation? It is time to think about how you get out of this situation fast

Original poster
Snec · 16/03/2022 13:48

I live in his house I am not on the mortgage and I am currently working part time while studying at university.

Any advice on how to bring up that I know what has been going on and how to go about it all, honestly my head is a mess

OP posts:
SpacePotato · 16/03/2022 13:49

Dump him. Regardless of the sex of those he is messaging, he is a liar and a cheat.

Original poster
Snec · 16/03/2022 13:57

@SpacePotato yes I am not willing to stay I know I am worth more but I am just so confused by it all

OP posts:
SpacePotato · 16/03/2022 14:00

You don't need answers to why he did it. He did it, that's all that matters.
Try to put your focus and energy on getting yourself somewhere else to live.

something2say · 16/03/2022 14:10

Hello.
So sorry to hear this.
I think its fairly common, straight seeming men on Grindr.
He is not 'out' and is deceiving you.
Making the relationship a mockery.
He may not admit it.
Your next step is to process this sudden ending and then see what you can do.
Me I'd rent a room elsewhere and up my work to afford it.
Save money and always have spare for precisely this xxx

Original poster
Snec · 16/03/2022 14:15

@something2say thank you for your comment

I doubt he will admit it, luckily I have family nearby who will allow me to go with them for the mean time if needed

Thank you for all your advice and nice words as I have not been able to speak to anyone about this as it’s embarrassing (I know it shouldn’t be) but I have lots of emotions right now

OP posts:
Gretchencre · 16/03/2022 14:17

Regardless of his sexuality, by sending photos to other people on a hook-up app, he's cheating on you. Just ask him calmly and directly why he's been sending and receiving photos. He might suggest someone else was using his phone though.

something2say · 16/03/2022 14:19

Huge shock. And he is denying it while you know the extent!

Time to pack a bag and disappear for a bit.. are you going to tell him you have seen the pics? It would be wrong to out him but right to say you've seen the pics?

Original poster
Snec · 16/03/2022 14:23

I think for myself I need an explanation so yes I will be speaking to him about this and I have written down everything I want to say, I don’t care for an apology or any other lies but I want him to know that I have been betrayed and he has hurt me on so many levels

OP posts:
Zeebs27 · 16/03/2022 14:25

I’ve been in this horrible situation with an ex. It made me physically sick seeing that he was messaging men on Grindr so I can really empathise with the way you’re feeling. My ex claimed he was on it because his friend downloaded it on his phone in the pub for a laugh. I demanded to look at the messages and he said no and deleted the app.

Please get yourself a sexual health check just in case. He’s betrayed your trust by being on that app, I’d finish with him and not believe a word he said!

Sending you strength!!

Original poster
Snec · 16/03/2022 14:27

@Zeebs27 I am so sorry you have also been through this! Thank you for your kind words and advice, it honestly means so much right now

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 16/03/2022 14:28

Never, ever have sex with him again. Get an STI check as soon as possible.

drawingpad · 16/03/2022 14:29

@Snec

I think for myself I need an explanation so yes I will be speaking to him about this and I have written down everything I want to say, I don’t care for an apology or any other lies but I want him to know that I have been betrayed and he has hurt me on so many levels

I don't think you are going to get what you want from this talk. It's not as if he doesn't know what he is doing. He hasn't betrayed you by accident.

GeneLovesJezebel · 16/03/2022 14:29

Yes, get an STI check.

Calandor · 16/03/2022 14:30

He's likely Bi which is fine.

But he's also a cheat and a liar which is not fine.

Leave him.

Original poster
Snec · 16/03/2022 14:31

I will definitely go and get myself checked as a priority, my health will always come first

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 16/03/2022 14:31

I don’t care for an apology or any other lies but I want him to know that I have been betrayed and he has hurt me on so many levels

Lies are all you're going to get, but you know this. Don't lower yourself by bothering with some ridiculous, pointless conversation. Just walk away and move on.

Calandor · 16/03/2022 14:32

He might admit to it all and cry and say he's confused about his sexuality which may or may not be tried But he's still cheated. So stay strong.

Original poster
Snec · 16/03/2022 14:32

@Calandor honestly if he was Bi I would not care one bit, would love him the same

But as you say it’s the lying and cheating which is an absolute no

OP posts:
Calandor · 16/03/2022 14:33

Yes it's not the sexuality that's the issue as you said it's the betrayal. He may have risked your health instead of talking to you about it.